Metal Gear Solid - Part Three
Posted on 4/26/2011 by Trambapoline
Merrily we continue along with ol' MGS~
It's been a very long time since I last played this game, and it holds up surprisingly well. Often to the point where I like the simplicity of the gameplay over the sequels now. It's nice not having to watch your camo index, or figure out what movement stance you're in, you learn CQC or anything. All you need are the ability to run, hit the side of a wall, and a gun for when things get hairy.
It could also be that I generally suck at stealth games. So, y'know.
Anyway, let's press onwards!
When we last left Solid 'Some People Call Me That' Snake, he had just witnessed the ArmsTech president suffer the same mysterious fatal heart attack that the DARPA chief karked it from. He also met up with Meryl Jigglebutts, the mysterious sex-fiend; Deepthroat, oh, and managed to take out a tank at close-range, single-handedly.
Nobody seems to mention that feat ever again. Seems like a pretty big deal to me, honestly.
And, of course, it wouldn't be Metal Gear Solid if we didn't instantly get a codec conversation five seconds in.
Bah! I'll use whatever I want to, old man. You can't stop m---
WHAT?!
FUCKING NANOMACHINES. HOW DO THEY WORK??
So I can't use any firearms whatsoever, because there are warheads just lying around all willy-nilly, but it's perfectly acceptable for the soldiers to start firing wildly at me the second I might be detected?
I'm calling some serious Grade-A bullshit on this!
I thought Meryl said last entry that the whole 'Nuclear Disposal Facility' thing was just a front, because they were developing Metal Gear here. I guess leaving dismantled nuclear warheads lying about would make it seem awfully convincing, but I think that plan might fall apart the second everyone dies of radiation poisoning.
Just in case you haven't gotten it yet, nukes are bad and humanity is the real evil.
Just thought I'd clear that up, in case the back of your head isn't reeling the mallet being smashed into it yet.
Good for her. Doesn't do me a whole heap of good if you don't give me her damned frequency, does it?!
I like how Snake is given this all-important communication device from his superiors to help out on the mission to save the world, but they apparently just didn't bother actually giving him any of the frequencies. They thought it'd be fun if he had to search for them himself. It'll be like a mini-quest!
A very, very stupid mini-quest.
Bad for everyone who isn't me, since I won't be coming here ever again.
An excellent point, myself. I agree, now I'm going to completely ignore everyone and use my own damn weap---
. . . .
"Where the hell you have been?! I've been sitting here bored out of my skull for five hours, asshole!"
That's fascinating, shut up.
Nah, they were just fucking around with everyone. It's all viral marketing for the new Fallout game, you know.
So you'll be more useful than 90% of everyone else on the codec then?
Unfortunately, like most gamers, this is the last time I'll probably ever speak with Nastasha. Toodles~!
10 minutes and I've only walked about 23 feet. That's Tactical Espionage Action for ya!
Snake manages to overcome his sense of utter confusion and horror at the concept and hits the elevator button for the second floor basement. Oh, the madness of it all!
Unfortunately, waiting for him there are urine-coloured gas (an everyday occurrence, let me tell you) and an electrified floor.
If you tell me to watch out for the incredibly frickin' obvious gas and electricity, I might just have to punch you.
He's going to say it, isn't he? He is. He's going to say the floor is electrified.
You know you want to, motherfucker, so just say it. Say it!
Alright, that's it. Say goodbye to your teeth.
Yeah, I don't about you, dude, but remote-control missiles aren't exactly a naturally occurring resource, so I have no bloody idea on where to find one. Though if you know where, I'd certainly appreciate i--
Why does everyone keep hanging up on me?!
Time to head to the regular, non-madness basement then~
For some reason, the B1 floor is patrolled by a guard who has the MIGHTY NEED to use the restroom roughly every 25 seconds. On a secondary playthrough, you can use your Stealth Camo to run right up to him on the urinal and plant a C4 charge on his back.
Cruel? Yes.
Funny as all hell? Double Yes.
In one of the nearby armouries (ie: office desk that just happens to carry guns, for no adequetly explored reason) you can find a weapon that fires Elton John songs or obscure French movies at the enemy's face.
I'd ask why someone threw a missile launcher into a cubicle, but I think the more pressing question is why isn't anyone guarding the stupid thing? Or, I don't know, using it?
Down we go~!
Contrary to physics or any appropriate law of momentum via: flight, the missile only travels at roughly 0.3 miles an hour in any given direction. Which makes it easy to control, but also makes it stupidly easy for enemies to discover and fire at.
Yeah, I'm starting to realize why they just threw it into some random-ass office now.
On a positive note, though, you can go into a spiffy first-person mode with the missile, if you hold down Triangle.
It doesn't help any, but it sure is neat!
BLAMMO!!
With the electrified door down, Snake can safely press onwards.
Well, except for the matter of the deadly gas, but who needs oxygen? More like NOTxygen, am I right?
No, I'm not. Don't be an idiot.
Happily greeting us on the other side is... uh...
Is that his.... cut open..... oh, boy...
Uh, Mr. Ninja? Maybe now's an awkward time to tell you this. But... um... this is not how you make a pizza.
Being the annual winner of the Wonderfully Sane Thinking catagory, Snake decides to follow the invisible, psychotic ninja that just wiped out an entire group of soldiers single-handedly. This is going to go so well!
"Okay! Okay! Just look on the bright-side, Hal... He might not instantly all cut your limbs off. Yeah. Yeah, that's a thing."
Oh, just... just... oh, god, man.
Our secondary protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!
Sarsaparilla!!
Sorry, I thought we were screaming out random words. What's up, man?
Nothing gets past Snake!
Eyes of a damned eagle, he has.
Good, everyone's acting neutral and rational then. Casual change of topic, could you please not slice my face off?
Detroit?
Excellent. Now if Snake decides to do that 200-yard marathon he's been dreaming about, nothing will get in the way.
Reach for the stars, buddy!
That's terribly un-neutral of you, assburger >:(
Uh, a battle to the death? He just said that.
"Except there are no high-school girls or tentacles. What's up with that??"
Despite this being a Kojima game, I think the idea of aliens is a bit too far-fetched.
Until Metal Gear Solid 5: Guns of the Oh Ye Gods Just Fire Me Already is released in 2015.
"You're after revenge?!"
"No!"
"Are you after.... Snake's Revenge?"
"Hahaha, hey, that's pretty good."
"Thanks, man, I try."
So you're after Revenge: Super Pretentious Edition, then?
I'm sorry... what? I got confused right around the part you started acting batshit.
Time for the next boss battle!
As mentioned way earlier, the gun controls in this game are pretty shit, but thankfully Mr. Cyborg Ninja just deflects every bullet you fire at him, like any self-respecting anime ripoff would. This means you have to be cunning! Think outside the box. Shift that paradigm right to the fucking limit!
Or you can just kick him in the junk a bunch. Both work.
"Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!"
If you enjoy running around punching people for about five minutes, then boy, is this the boss battle for you!
On top of being a cyborg ninja that randomly freaks out and has a dismembered limb fetish, he's also sadomasochistic. Boy, the guys are R&D sure designed themselves a real winner, huh?
Uh, yeah dude, we could tell.
Cripes.
Thanks for referencing a game nobody in English ever got the chance to play until nearly two decades after the fact, Konami!
"PLEASE IGNORE MY PERFECTLY SANE HUMAN OUTBURST. EVERYTHING IS NORMAL."
In that you clearly need some, I agree.
What gave it away? Was it the screaming incoherently or the slamming your face violently into the floor?
"Slamming his head into the ground and demanding to be punished was our favourite past-time. Oh, to relive those glorious and care-free summer days of yore back at the beach house..."
Yeah, that sums up most of this series, actually.
A villain returning from the dead in a sequel? This game's just shattering my expectations!
HA HA LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER MISTAKE FOR THE RETCON COMMITTEE
"And what a body!"
"Snake?"
"Oh, right, sorry."
Sounds like the sort of thing that would turn a person super sane.
So they tortured, drugged and lord knows what else'd a previously-dead man for months, if not years, just to develop soldiers that can't see or hear more than five feet? Goddamn, that is a pretty sucky fate. I'd be majorly cheesed off too.
Tell me about it! You'd think they could at least produce eye sight of six feet, you know?
"And if you say 'you never asked' I swear I will put myself in a warhead, hop into REX and fire myself directly at your house so I can punch you."
That's a damned good question, actually.
Which means expect an extraordinarily stupid answer for it in the future~
Except the constant references to you, his previous life in Zanzibar and everything else.
Be kinda funny if he didn't and this was the last time anyone even mentioned the completely unexplained cyborg ninja, but oh well. We'll meet up with him for a super climatic duel of the fates in the future, I'm sure.
"I'm not a limb-obsessed, sadomasochistic, tortured, genetic cyborg ninja, if that's what you mean.
... Wow, that sounded way less stupid in my head."
FOREVER ALONE
"No, I have a life."
Mmmm, break me off a piece of that.
"No, seriously, are you? I can't see shit without my eyes."
Hah!
Sorry, I just find that oddly amusing.
"Specifically, what kind of nut-job builds a tank with legs? Hasn't he ever seen Star Wars? One rock is all it'd take!"
METAL GEAR!?
To disperse confetti for all the darling children at the annual Macy's Parade. What do you think it does?
"Emmerich! Get your backside in here!"
"Y... Yes, sir?"
"We need you to create and deploy an anti-missile defense platform."
"But... don't we already have thousands of those around the country?"
"No. This one needs to be mobile, man! Fuck, where'd I leave my whiskey?"
"We.. have mobile versions already."
"No. This one needs LEGS!"
"Wouldn't that just be massively inconvenient and create a slew of weak-points?"
"Well, yes, but this way if there's a tiny ledge or something. Are you following me, Emmerich? A ledge, right?"
"Right."
"Right. If it has legs, it can just hop over the ledge. Holy shit, I'm brilliant."
"But you'd need helicopters to carry it to the deployment zone, wouldn't you?"
"I don't see where you're going with this..."
"Why don't you just fly it over the ledge and then deploy it?"
"..."
"..."
"Get out."
In that it then fires missiles to completely annihilate the country of origin, I suppose you could count that as defensive.
Quickly, Boy Wonder, to the death-mobile!
NO WAI
Well, this is new information to me!
Oh. Well, okay then. Guess we can pack up and go home.
False alarm, people!
"He was only mentally and physically tortured and hung up alongside C4 for days. I'm sure he's a legit source!"
That will totally clash with the feet they designed. I mean, cha, accessorize much?
It's always a great idea to not tell the man designing your devices what you actually need them to do.
Oh, gee, is that it. And for a moment I thought I had something to worry about. But if that's all.
There are two things Snake just cannot comprehend, magnet-propelled firearms and second floor basements.
I JUST SAID THAT.
They're also often the best gun in any self-respecting first-person shooter
Just in case, when fighting Metal Gear, you mistake the giant rail-gun for some sort of not rail gun.
Then that's just so mainstream, dude. Unless they're doing it ironically!
-Does it blow shit up real good?
YES/NO
-Proceed.
"..... could it be what, exactly?"
"Sorry, I'm just dramatically pausing. It comes with the company training."
OH ANYTHING BUT THAT
A quick scuttering to Wikipedia tells me that NOVA and NIF are basically just giant frickin' lasers used to create ignition and fusion. I'm sure a nuclear scientist out there knows what the fuck, but a little explanation would've been a kindness, game.
This entry is the first real introduction of VR and Nanomachines for the series!
D... Don't applaud that.
As long as they don't mess around with the missile's Error Ratio they should be fine.
"Yes. And I'm sure the country being hit will be pissed off something awful, but it's a practice run, which everyone knows don't count."
"I'm actually a woman. Dr. Clark is a miracle worker in that department!"
"They told him you couldn't build a functional city on top of a swamp, but he did it anyway, the madman!"
Considering the crime-rate there, I don't blame him.
Oh! Oh! Let me guess. It was... the dawning of the Age of Aquarias?
Shoot! I never guess these things correctly...
God's a bit of an asshole, isn't he?
And lo, the radiation did give birth to.. Otaku Man!
With the power of... social awkwardness and creating weapons of untold mass destruction and horror.
... Well that's just silly.
Don't worry, man. Snake's always here to lend a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
Look at all that sympathy coming out.
"WHERE IZ SARAH CONNAH??"
Surprisingly logical. I was expecting he'd be in geosynchronous orbit around Mars or something. What's the catch?
Ah, a disc full of contrived plot-devices and bosses stands between us. Great.
But, hey, no big. It's not like there's any hot-spring scenes or anything, right?
...
Seriously. There isn't, is there?
"hi guyz :) itz hal again!!! just txtng 2 c if u need me?? okay ttyl guyz <3 by-OH MY GOD A FUCKING INVISIBLE NINJA JUST THREW A DECAPITATED CORPSE AT ME WHAT THE FUC-"
FIRE ZE MISSILES!!
Hmmm, I could always use a meat-shield, true...
"On a completely unrelated note, how much pressure is it again to break through a human skull? I'm always such a klutz about these things~!"
Why is it when scientists suddenly build a gigantic death-mobile, then feel the pangs of guilt they always go, "No. I must destroy it! I created it!" Frankly, I'd be happy if some random bastard waltzed into the room and said he'd gladly dodge the missiles and lasers in my place.
But I'm a massive coward, so maybe that has something to do with it.
REJECTED!
Uhhhhh...
Okay. Crazy question, feel free to stop me at any point, but why didn't you use it when the ninja attacked you? Or, you know, use it to escape the soldiers and leave the facility or something? Genius, my ass!
"Unfortunately, he helped make Metal Gear almost undefeatable and is suffering from a swollen face now."
"But my face isn't---"
*WHAM*
"Ow! My facsh!"
"I hope you like babysitting, bitch, because, BAM, you just got third-wheel'd!"
O SNAP
Yeah, maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to take your mask off in public and loudly speak into your ear.
Uh, I think she just got caught, Snake. Try to pay attention, please.
Yes, which doesn't exactly help her when she takes the mask off.
But, yeah, I suppose we better find the silly woman. Where to start...
FANSERVICE: THE PLOT DEVICE
Uh, wasn't she just spotted by the soldiers? I know they're dense-- and I mean, really dense-- but I'm sure even they have a memory span longer than a gnat's. So I suppose she'd be in prison, or some sort of holding cell. Or in the wall of the second-floor basement, or...
Oh?
Oh.
Oh!
"Well, sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, I think about how my father and step-mother were really close to one another, and then I start punching the pillow and quietly cry to myself for some reason..."
"(Kiss me, you fool! There may never be another chance...)"
"(Oh, who am I kidding? Just after the Grey Fox attacked was the right him to express my feelings!)"
"So... you good?"
"Huh?"
"No ruptured heart or other imminent organ failure?"
"Can't say that I d---"
"DAMN IT!"
"..... What?"
"What!?"
I'll call you ridiculous, how about we go with that?
"Pshhhh, the original Japanese versions of us are so much cooler than this baka gaijin crapuu! ^___^ "
FOR GLORIOUS NIPPON!!
Yes. They showed the world that the only people capable of driving mecha are emotionally unbalanced teenage boys and women/underaged girls in disturbingly tight-fitting spandex suits.
That.... I... That...
I'm just going to go over here and laugh hysterically out of sheer pity for a while now. 'cuse me.
Well, lucky for you, our ol' buddy Snake here supports your actions 110%! Isn't that right, Snake?
See? There ya go.
My frequency is 141.NoOffenseButI'mNotGoingToCallYouOnItSperglord.
Nice talking to ya, buddy!
Snake's bar is now Magnum-sized. Aw yeah.
"Don't look at the corpses. Don't look at the corpses! DON'T LOOK AT THE CORPSES!"
With our once-again powered up Card Key, we can access the Gas Mask just in time to never use it again~
Ha-fuckity-ha.
Back up we go!
SCANDALOUS O:
And now begins the always fun game of Well Intentioned Pervert!
On this floor are a whole bunch of guards, and one of them is Meryl. Because... I guess they didn't actually care that she was a spy amongst them five minutes ago or something? In any case, you have to get her attention without being spotted by the other guards, which means lots of looking at people's butts!
Or knocking on the wall and waiting for the soldier with the female voice to investigate, but that's a touch more risky.
!
Once alerted, it's time to follow Meryl to the female rest-room!
Man, this genome army is such a sausage-fest, seriously.
You know, if you tried this in real life the cops would be on your ass so damn fast...
In any case, see you crazy people next time~
