Working as Intended

The last Metroid Yu Yevon has been sent.

Spira is at peace.

Now for some history, cats and kittens! After the crazy Final Fantasy that was X, Squaresoft (which would become Square-Enix just before the game was released) decided to do a first for the main series: create an actual sequel. A lot of this was due in part to fan reactions about the ending to FFX, as well as how much gosh darn money it made them. X-2's staff was roughly 1/3 the size of the original's, and it took half the time and budget to create.

The last one particularly shows in a few areas.

I may as well get this out of the way right now, to save people the effort or writing me upwards of two whole emails... I do rather like X-2. I don't love it, but I can't deny it's a lot of fun.

If you're familiar with vidja game forums on the Internet in any way, you've probably heard the responses to X-2 at one point or another. If you came into this game, like many did, looking for something that carried on the atmosphere and themes of the original.... boy was this a shock! If, however, you just want some campy fun with a storyline that makes absolutely no attempt at making sense, then this just might be right up your alley!

And, in a move I'm sure I'm going to regret, I'm playing X-2 for 100% completion. This wouldn't be so bad in any other game, but X-2's 100% completion requires some of the most pointless, arbitrary or downright bloody torturous gameplay choices in human history. To the point where a vast majority of people who undertake this task come out with high levels of paranoia. Didn't talk to the NPC hidden in the corner on Chapter 3 exactly 5 times? TOO BAD NO 100% FOR YOU HAHAHAHAHAHAH

By the end of this Let's Play, I swear I'm going to be a vegetable.

Well, anyway, let's get right into it, shall we?












So.... yeah, this is Final Fantasy X-2, people!




I think the Floating, Drum-Playing, Robot Buddha (there's something I never thought I'd say) enjoys having several scantily clad women on top of him. Making him one of the few things in New and Improved Spira that is actually straight.





What, Yuna's sense of respect and dignity?

Rikku, she's going to lose those in about 2 minutes anyway, so you may as well let Not!Yuna have it.




Captain Falcon would approve of this lady.




I'd start a Lesbian Overtones Counter, but the poor thing would explode in about an hour.




Yeah, I think Mecha!Buddha here is just a little too happy about the situation...




Which brings us to the very first fight in X-2~!

The battle system is sort of like if XIII's and the traditional ATB system had a freaky, awesome baby. Positions on the battlefield can change constantly throughout a fight, it's very fast paced, and the actions you pick can change the charge-up time for a character's ATB bar. For example, using a Potion will make the ATB bar go short, so the character's turn comes up again much quicker, but using a powerful attack will make it much longer.

It's a good balancing system, and is probably the only thing about the game that is unanimously praised.




...

Too easy.




Oh, thank god. It's going to take me ages to get Real Emotion out of my head as it is, lady!




CHEESE IT!




And then Not!Yuna realizes the folly of her currently unknown evil deeds and, indeed, comes to a stop.

... Why does anybody ever bother calling stuff like this out? What would possibly persuade them to stop running!




As unbelievably stupid as this sounds, in order to get 100% completion of this game, you have to poke the person cowering in the Moogle suit on one of the docks.

No, seriously.




Why, it's almost as if she was trying to run away or something!




OHHHH ICE BURN

No, wait... no.




I'd say this is the most ridiculous looking henchmen I've ever seen, but then we get a look at...




You know the Magus Sisters?

Yeah, I think this guy ate them.




But before they can attack, someone with really shitty aiming starts shooting them.

WHOEVER COULD IT BE??




Why, it's someone's breasts, obviously!

I'm assuming they have a face too, but the game doesn't seem to warrant that as being important.

Something that will become alarmingly apparent as the game goes on.




"AHHHH A BARELY CLOTHED FEMALE! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!"




... Yeah, I have absolutely no idea either.




This might seem cheesily awesome, but you have to remember that Yuna can't aim for shit, and Rikku's daggers do a whopping 4 damage. Which leaves poor Paine as the party's sole arse-kicker.




But no time for that now. We've got a boss battle!

And by 'boss battle' I mean 'just hit Attack 6 times until everyone dies'.




SUDDENLY: NOT!YUNA ARRIVES ON THE SCENE

From where? Fucked if I know!




So ???? stole Yuna's Garment Grid, and that's why she looks like her?

Remember this, because it's going to make no goddamn sense in... 4 seconds.




.... Huh. Well that was easy!




O SNAP




At any point during a battle, you can open up the Garment Grid for a character and change jobs. You can only change to the job directly next to your current in any direction, so if you wanna go from Gunner to Warrior, for example, you have to go Gunner -> Songstress -> Warrior. It leads to some pretty interesting battles and makes you think where abouts you want to put certain jobs on any given grid.

However, this doesn't go along very well with the plot.

When Yuna (or any character) changes to another class, they just get another outfit, regardless of what Garment Grid they may have equipped. If Rikku changes from Thief to Gunner, she looks like herself, just with a different outfit. She doesn't, say, turn into Yuna.

So how the flying arse does ???? here turn into Summoner!Yuna (baring in mind that Summoner isn't even a friggin' class in this game) in the opening FMV and then into Songstress!Yuna? She should logically just look like herself, except with a little dancer get-up on. We're about 3 minutes into this game and we've already tripped over a major plothole.

Yup, we're off to a flying start!




Fanservice? In FFX-2? Why, don't be ridiculous!




I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, GADGET!




SUDDENLY: ..... I have no fucking idea.




Woohoo! One mission down, only.... a hundred more to go.

That's good, right?

.... Why is there blood coming out of my ears?




You and me both, Yuna.




Please keep that to yourself!




And now we find ourselves on-board the... Giant, Crab-Like, Pimped Out, Machina Airship?

Someone help me out here. I'm confused!




Again, don't want to know.




I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW




So when you use these things, you can just become randomly possessed?

This is the best and safest equipment idea ever!




I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that Little Miss Ex-Summoner over there didn't pick up an X-Rated sphere.



If you remember from FFX, Brother is Rikku's... well, brother. This would make him and Yuna cousins  

This also makes the current discussion infinitely creepier.




. . . .





Maybe it's not as bad as it see-OH DEAR GOD BROTHER WHAT ARE YOU AND YOUR HAND DOING?!




No. To the many thankful pleas from my poor sanity.




Ah, yes, more Al Bhed.

Apparently Tidus was the only one who bothered to read those Primers before. Whoopsie!




But enough of that, let's Get To Know Everyone~




That's because she's basically Squall.

Except without Rinoa. Though she probably wouldn't mind that.




'You heard'?

Is there some sort of deep and dark secret surrounding the date she joined? Why not ask her? Or anyone on-board?




If X-2's Yuna and Rikku's brains were gasoline they wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the outside of a gil coin.




Moving on from Paine, let's get to know more about Shinra!




And that's about all Yuna has to say on the subject.

Fair enough. NEXT!




Are you asking Yuna or the player?




I WONDER WHO SHE COULD BE TALKING TO?? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM




Well, they say love is blind...




Yes, we've gathered that much, dear.




They hunt spheres?




What? Brother rubbing his leg and sniffing the handle-bars?

... Eh, makes about as much sense as anything else I've witnessed so far.





"YUNA I AM VERY DISAPPOINT"




SCORE

Except it's out of order. Mega-Bummer!




Quantity? Yes.
Quality? .... No.




Which, given what little we've seen of Brother talking, is not a good thing.




But enough of those jerks, am I right? Let's go explore the rest of this abomination of airship design!




Just like Mass Effect, we have our own little ship to constantly explore as the story goes on!

I don't remember the Normandy ever looking like 5-month old whale barf, but there ya go.




Argh! I just got that song out of my head, you little wankburgler!




IMPOSHIBIBBLE!!




WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK HIM, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Right. As far as I can tell everyone's been on this airship for several months and have never spoken to each other at any point. Got it.




For 20 cents an hour?




The Gullstore? Really?

Apparently, to get 100% completion, I have to Rest at the Inn on-board. Despite the fact that my health replenishes whenever I teleport on-board, and there's a Save Sphere outside that heals me anyway.




Y'know, it seems like a bad idea to yell out a warning over the intercom in a language you know at least 3 people on board cannot understand.




I know a good excuse for random battles when I see one.

ONWARDS!




Well, it would be silent now, since Smugmore killed all the Ronso.




Fayth control the weather now?

Who knew.




And one of the few actually new areas in this game. Huzzah!




Only if this was Final Fantasy XI, Rikku.




You know, in the airship you're all currently riding on.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




Except the landing doesn't go so smoothly.

But this is what happens when somebody wasn't around for the illogical, yet awesome cable-surfing sequence in the first game. You've gotta practice that shit, man!





Did this really require an upskirt shot of Yuna, game director?

Then again, if you were to argue does Yuna technically even have a skirt, I'd have to concede.




Because the rest of Spira has shown themselves in the past to be truly enlightened and logical fellows.

*coughworshippedagiantickforamilleniumcough*




I'll say. Your butt nearly swallowed the camera, missy. Do you know how much those things cost?!




NO!!





And this marks the last time Brother will ever care about Rikku, before the Yuna lurrrrrve rots his brain from the inside.




In slightly spiffier news, in X-2 we can jump around at specific points!

This is somewhat neat. Yay.




OOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIIIIINY




Hmm, lemme guess...




... It isn't.




Because, y'know, who cares about those other two people, right?





Oh, Brother, you and your craaaazeh double standards!




Sorry, Rikku, but you had the sheer gall to be born as someone who wasn't Yuna. Try harder next time, mmkay?




More running~!





Oh noes! It's Not!Yuna, in all her trailer-trashy glory!




Um... you do realize that Rikku's standing right next to you, Yuna?




That's about as good as insults from Leblanc get, sadly.





Yes, I do believe that was the general point.




Was she? I don't remember seeing anyone at all while running here...




Waaaaacky comeuppance in 3... 2... 1....



Sorry to get away from the riveting conversation these fellows are having, but what the hell is Leblanc wearing?

Even by Final Fantasy standards, or occasional lack thereof, that outfit is just...... Huh?!




I don't know what Leblanc's 'Love Tap' involves and, frankly, I don't wanna know.




What exactly did you expect then?




Nomura's answer to fashion in the southern US states?




As we'll soon learn, Paine enjoys using the word 'hurt' in sentences like many of us do periods.




OH BOY

Does Mission Time come before or after Dancing Time?




Basically, you just have to run in a straight line a bunch and learn when to jump. Which is all the time.

The only way I could see how anyone could cock this up is if they ran back to the airship, took off and then farted about in the Moonflow for a good hour or so.




Thankfully the timer doesn't run during random battles~!

Also, for some reason, Rikku screams, "Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!" in this battle, which is kinda cute.




Also, yes, Yuna does have the ponciest run ever seen.




Sorry, fatman, but they don't swing that way.

Now, if you wanted to ask some guys on Spira about that...




This triggers yet another battle~ Where, at the end of which, Paine just asks, "Turned on?"

There are no subliminal lesbian tones in this game. That would imply they were trying to hide it.




Lots and lots of running!




Ha! That'll learn them to try and legitimately obtain an ancient home movie before Yuna and Pals could!




Well maybe if you wore some clothes that bothered to fulfill the purpose of wearing any you wouldn't have this problem!




Hmmm, what's that? You want some help getting up?

Well, sorry, but the treasure chest is now empty, so I have no reason to stick around SEE YA LATER SHITLORDS!




We won! Everything's good and will stay that way forever!




Except for the giant tick-like crab lurking on the roof.

Do you think he's a relative of Yu Yevon?




You didn't honestly think you could get through a dungeon in an RPG without an unnecessary boss battle, did you?




... Ew.




And on that... mildly unpleasant note, we come to the first real boss battle in the game!

Against a giant enemy crab named Borris.

Like any early-game boss in an RPG, Borris *snicker* is easy to defeat. Just have someone change to Songstress and use Darkness Dance while the other two beat him up and occasionally use a Potion if things turn sour. The End!




We don't even get a shot of him exploding all pretty like. What a gyp!




This seems like an awfully extravagant place just to hold a home movie sphere.



!




O NO U DI'INT




Because Leblanc is just so gosh-darn old at... implied mid-20's?





DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN




LATER: Back on-board the Flying Monstrosity!




Oh, great, Brother's dead....

Well, shit sucks. Home movie, anyone~?




Someone's going to have to teach Brother that 'jumping ship' is usually a figure of speech.




This is also an equally valid suggestion.




Doesn't it warm your heart to see the members of the Gullwings just leap into action to help their injured friend?





Act like a retarded chimpanzee and then hit on his cousin?




But, alas, for that dreaded 100%, we must tend to Brother!




When Yuna comes to help him, Brother can only think of one thing to do.

Try to cop a feel...

OF COURSE




Well at least someone else around here realizes that Brother is a sick little monkey!

It's the little things that help me keep the shambling remains of my sanity.




I don't want to know why Brother's assumed that pose, and neither does anyone else.




FINE THEN I WILL




Well we didn't bring the thing on board to throw into the turbines, now did we?




Oooh, it's Zanarkand. In Static-Vision!

Can spheres even get static? I thought that was just a VHS thing. Oh well!




And this is literally all the sphere is.




Just like this game, really.

HURRR WITZ





I FIND THIS TO BE AN ACCEPTABLE USE OF A BORING HOME MOVIE




The crew respond to this order by spinning around rapidly and looking like lost sheep.

No wonder nothing ever gets done around here.




Please say the entirety of the game.




Oh god, please don't tell me Yuna's found another thing to sacrifice herself for.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT TOOK TO STOP HER THE LAST TIME?!