Working as Intended

X-2 sure is a strange game, isn't it?

But, as completely baffling and gratuitous as the opening sequence in Luca was, that's just the tip of the iceburg of insanity. Just you wait until we start hitting Chapters 3-5. Melodrama and wangst-deflecting riot shields may just have to become mandatory. But, until then, we still lots more smaller doses of complete nonsense to wade through!

Fun~









Ah, so many locations to visit. So many obnoxious mini-games little time~

Welp, what better place to start the second X-2 entry then Besaid, where the second X entry was!

Shit be circular, yo.




Note: Yuna ran away from Besaid suddenly after FFX, in order to find out what the Not!Tidus sphere in the last entry was all about. You'd only really know this if you played the Japanese Int. Version of FFX.

Thanks, Square-Enix!




I think we gathered that, considering how dramatic you're being about this.

However this is a Final Fantasy game, so she could just do it every time she returns home.




And what better way to greet Yuna back to her hometown than with an unnecessary arse shot...




So much without a word, in fact, that 80% of players didn't even know about it until now!




Uh-oh! Busted!

Yuna's going to be so grounded for breaking curfew. Oh, if only others could understand the pain she suffers!!1





Pssssst, Yuna! That means he thinks you look like a skankenwhore!




Yes, those muscles he has clearly indicates he's tubby! PUT DOWN THE FORK WAKKA




Yeah, I imagine being a father can be hard wor-AWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?

Okay, who's the dipshit who taught Wakka about making babies. This is the last thing Spira needed, people!




Please say 'forever'.

Oh, god, I feel so sorry for whatever poor sap managed to hook up with Wakka. I mean, he's a nice character and all, but when it comes to a relationship that's like reaching the bottom of the barrel, headbutting your way through to another barrel, reaching the bottom of that and then shooting yourself in the face.




I know, it's a horrific thought.




I can't possibly imagine why.




Staring at a 17 year old's breasts is probably the first thing you should stop doing.




Considering what they did turned out Wakka, I think we should be doing the exact frickin' opposite!




Oooh, awkward.




Yuna, you grew up with Wakka.

I know it's hard to get over, but that probably means you would already know if he does or not! Surely he would have at least mentioned it a--- No, wait, I forgot that nobody speaks to each other ever. My bad.





Okay, you have fun being pointlessly cryptic. I'm going to go pray for your baby's poor, unfortunate soul...




Ah, good ol' Lulu. It'll be nice to catch up with one of the better FFX characters, since Auron isn't around ; ;




But before we do that, let's run around for a little bit~





Even the NPCs think that Yuna dresses like an indecisive, retarded prostitute.




Hey, Lulu! Keeping yourself sane, I hope. What are the haps?




... S... She means to ask if Lulu knows anything about the totally different person having Wakka's offspring, right?

Right?




Hopefully so far ahead of himself that it hasn't happened yet.




Right off a cliff? Don't mind if I do...




Okay, it can't be Lulu that's pregnant. She's wearing the tight girdle get-up from the first game. No bump or anything! I mean, it's not like the game designers would just blatantly reuse an old character model out of sheer laziness or anything. That would be silly!




Shiny!

Though I don't want to know where on her person Yuna managed to hide that thing...




Then why did you ask, if you already knew the answer?




Good thing we didn't find it on our first run up Gagazet, otherwise poor Tidus' head would've exploded.




Well, Tidus always was a little off.




No, because that'd require someone on the Gullwings to actually be competent. And we can't have that!




Like, say, everywhere.




Neither did anyone who picked up this game.




"... and various other body parts I rather not go into detail about."




Given how poor Yuna acts in this game at times, I think Lulu's actually being literal here.





Good. Because we don't need a repeat of that Seymour incident!




Well that's just impossible, seeing as how there's no room for the poor baby underneath that girdle, unless you removed several important organs. Oh, Lulu, stop being so crazy~




GET A ROOM




hawt




Um, Yuna, I don't think that meant falling asleep right now, but... uh, okay?




G'morning to you too, sunshine.




More importantly, who cares?




I'm sure that was just drug-related rambling. Nothing to be worried about!




Please say no, please say no, please say no, please say no, please say no, please say no, please say no...




Yeah, because it's not like Wakka was one-shotting Behemoths just two years ago or anything!




DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




Is anyone surprised?

Me neither.





Shooooom~!

Time to earn us some completion points, baby!




Yet, evidently, everyone somehow has.

In typical RPG fashion, despite the fact that none of the cast who's lived on the island their entire lives knows about any cave, every NPC just so happens to have crucial information about it!




Well, almost every NPC.




So everyone on the island knows where it this mysterious cave is, yet nobody's bothered to actually check it out?

These have to be the laziest, least adventurous assholes on the planet!




Well then, I guess this is another job for the DullGullwings!




Throughout various points on Besaid island, you can find these little cipher numbers that teach you the code to unlock the door to the cave. You'd think this would be the reason why nobody's ever been there, but every cipher location is taught to you by an NPC, so... I guess at no point did they come together to pool information about this super mysterious cave of mystery. No wonder nothing ever gets done! Sheesh!




But since it's been 0.4 seconds since our last asinine conversation, Brother chimes in over the radio.




As as your heart is the only aching muscle you have.




Thank you, game. That was entirely pointless.




And here's another cipher! Which I'm really only showing because I think the image is pretty.




But I already have, you blind berk!




Just thought I'd share this. After each battle in the Thief role, Rikku does several crotch thrusts at where the enemy once was.

... Don't look at me! I didn't animate it!




And here's the location of the TOP SECRET CAVE OF FORBIDDEN MYSTERY OF MYSTERIES.

Which is directly on the path that leads from Besaid to the beach. Y'know, the path at least several dozen people have to walk on every day, and the cave is directly in-front of their view. How the fuck does anybody miss this stuff?!

Spira has got to be the laziest crapsack in the Universe.




When you've found all four ciphers, the game just shows you the code directly, ruining any possible reason for having to put the code in manually. Hooray.




Is it drugs? It's drugs, isn't it? So this is where Wakka's been hiding his stash!

WHY DIDN'T GET MY SHARE, MAN??




Nice save! They totally won't be suspicious now!

Actually, nevermind, they probably won't.





He's starting to trip balls. This must be where the stash is!




Paine, dear, don't try to make sense out of Wakka. It'll only end in tears.




See?




Must be one hell of a drug, I know!




Right. That's all I need to know. Let's get to it!




This mighty cave only the entirely blind and stupid could've missed dungeon is pretty much just a 20 second run in a straight line.

I'd complain, but I hate long, windy dungeons, so I'll take more of these to go, plox!




GO AWAY ALREADY BROTHER YOU'RE CREEPING ME OUT




Smartest thing anyone's said so far in this game.




Oooh, pretty! I wonder what class this sphere will conta-




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!




How the frig did the monster even get into the cave? That's what I wanna know!




Our first, and only, boss battle for this entry is against the Flame Dragon. With a name like that, you can guess what element he's weak to... It's Thunder!

No, wait, that'd be creative. Of course he's weak to Ice.





Sweet!

Let's see what this White Mage sphere looks like, eh?




WHAT?! Someone in this game wearing actually sensible clothing?

IMPOSSIBLE!




I'm sure this one will be more exciting than 10 Advent Children's!

Which probably isn't a hard feat to pull off, but whatever.




Oh, it's just some video of a waterfall.

What the hell is up with people wasting Spheres on recording such pointless shit? This isn't meant to be like the real world!




Somehow, I seriously doubt it, Rikku.

Althrough, if he's been chasing the dragon, there could be, like, some seriously deep shit in there, dude! Whoa.




Well, poopsicles.

I guess you won't mind if I keep the White Mage then? Good, because I was gonna do it anyway!




Probably the special X-Rated Shelinda Does Bevelle.

Oh, fuck, why did I say that?! I'm going to be crying blood for days now! I hate my brain!




Chappu also thought that instantly ditching Lulu to join the Crusaders and attacking a giant, demonic whale with a dinky gun was a super-good idea. I don't think he's what you'd call a reliable source for knowledge.




No, the other Chappu. The one that runs the local car wash. Who do you think he's talking about?!




Yes, we know this.

Well, Paine doesn't, but she doesn't look like she particular cares. One of the reasons why she's the best character in X-2.




"I swear to god, if you ever sport a cow-lick hairdo, I'm gonna come back from the Farplane to hit you so damn hard"




Wow. Chappu sounds like a bit of an arsehole, doesn't he?




Oh, that's real fucking rich coming from you, missy!




So about 2 seconds later, then?




But however would he have found the cave, since it's so OMG MYSTERIOUS AND IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!!1!

God.




Now there's a scary thought.




That's our Wakka~!

*audience applause*




Please don't crush my hopes like that, Yuna. I'd very much like to leave this island already!

Especially before Wakka's mutant, freak-baby is born and ushers in the apocalypse.




Oh, really?





Well... hell, that's surprisingly mature of you, Wakka. I'm impressed, man.

Good for you!




And now we're right back to square one. Fuck.

I knew that was too good to last.




Yeah, join the freaking club.




o lord




Hoo-frickity-ray!

Let's get the hell off this island of death!




TO THE FLYING MACHINE!

Also, is there a reason why the airship has hydraulics?




Oh, Paine, you have no idea.




Hey, nuts to them! I need that bloody ability!




Well, that's one location in New and Improved Homoerotic Spira down. Several more to go!




YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE TO ANSWER ON MY OWN YOU IMPATIENT SOD ; ;




You can tell just by looking at it. It's a mad-house!




Wait, there's a New Yevon now?

Oh yeah, because the old one just went so gosh-darn well, didn't it!




Why, if isn't everyone favorite constipated looking guardian!




Ah, good to see that Dona's as bitchy as ever.






Why is that Ronso wearing a one-piece thong?




That's because then it couldn't be all about you, Yuna! And, dang it, we couldn't possibly have that, could we?




Even the characters think the story is a mess.




Yes, we know.




Who exactly was recording this? Or is Yuna's brain just full of static?

Honestly, it could go either way. Just like her O SNAP SON




For some reason, the flashback segments of this little lark are somewhat toned out.

Which is kind of helpful for screenshots, otherwise the jumping back and forth would be a nightmare!




If I took one look at her hooker Gunner outfit I wouldn't believe it was Yuna either.




Well, this is what happens when you agree to work with Tetsuya Nomura. You knew the risks!




Okay, I so want that as a Dress Sphere!




Don't the X's for eyes indicate that the Moogle's dead?

That's... kinda morbid.




Which makes absolutely no sense, seeing as how it's impossible for Leblanc to be an impostor, since Dress Spheres/Garment Grids don't work that way! Further pointing this out isn't helping your case, writers!




Mostly just Paine, I'd wager.




Do I detect crazy hijinks~?




Exactly. So we'll just be on our way n--




ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!




It's nice to know that even Yuna realizes on some level that she's totally a doormat.




And so begins a little mini-game where you have to hand out balloons to every NPC in the Luca plaza.

I wish I had recorded this bit, as the voice Yuna sports while in the Moogle suit is just hilarious.




No, you look like someone who's going to get a punch up the arse if he doesn't take a goddamn balloon!




... That's the question you want to ask about this whole scenario?



Paine likes the word hurt  




No. That's where 98% of the problems with the concert scenario are coming from!




Welcome to our world, Yuna. We don't know what you're doing either.

So, yeah, the Moogle you had to poke in the last entry was, in fact, Yuna. I'm sure this was meant to make people go, "Ohhhh, so that's why. Yeah, now it makes sense!" but it doesn't really explain why Yuna was there, and more importantly, we've yet to get an explanation on how the damn Leblanc was able to change into---

Stuff it. They're never going to explain it. Stupid story...




I don't want to know why Rikku enjoyed looking at her cousin's arse in a Moogle costume...




And then Yuna swaps into her Gunner's outfit. Thus explaining the start of the game completely now.

Except for the part where it answered nothing!




Again, who exactly is recording this?

I... Is there some unknown 4th member of the Gullwings I've just never seen up until now?




So, same as you usually act now then?




WHAT NO IT DOESN'T




Oh for the love of Yevon. Go away, Brother!




Depressing, aint it?




I imagine living on an airship would probably cause that.





Awwwwww




And on that surprisingly serious note to the world's most stupid concert, it's time to call it in.

See ya later~!