Metal Gear Solid - Part One | Working as Intended

Metal Gear Solid - Part One

Posted on 4/24/2011 by Trambapoline

If there was ever a series that could truly trounce Final Fantasy in the cutscenes/gameplay ratio department, it's definitely Metal Gear Solid. I can't imagine there's a single person who plays vidya games that isn't at least partly aware of this series and what it's about, which is good, because it means I can skip the introductory bullcrap! Huzzahs.

In any case, my copy of PCSX2 has decided to go on the fritz and is reading every single PS2 game I own except FFX-2 (again), so while I get that all sorted out, I thought I'd get this series underway! Also, MGS fans have been emailing me about it literally once and they're a very vocal and scary bunch. So what better way to appease them by mocking and taunting the series!

Wait...

I was going to do Metal Gear 1 and 2 as well, alongside the portable outings, but considering I plan to go from MGS1-4, I'd be halfway in the grave before I finished everything that way. Also, MG1 and 2? Not very good games. All you really need to know is there was some jerk called Big Boss who built a giant robot, and Snake blew it up. Also, a man named Grey Fox was a friend of Snake's before he too turned into a jerk. Oh, and the country was called Zanzibar. There, I saved you all about 20 hours.

Let us begin!

I hope you guys are in the mood for exposition!

If not? Boy have you picked the wrong series to read today.

Swimming!

I'm sure this water effect looked like the shit back in 1998, but now it just makes everything stupidly hard to see.

"Uh, sure thing, boss. Say, need any assistance or something? You haven't exactly given us definable roles down he--"

"Okaaay, fuck you too, then."

Liquid Snake, a man cursed at birth with no eyes or discernible facial features.

"Hark! My Snakey Senses are tingling! Or my neck's thrown out, due to being shot out of a fucking torpedo."

Good to know!

All the goddamn time.

It also directly stimulates Snake's other small bone. Aw yeah.

Yes, but I'm sure they'll be able to hear the spoken and drawn out conversations that come from it.

Okey-dokey, cats and kittens. If you're one of the few people that hasn't played/seen Metal Gear Solid, then you've statistically been living underneath several especially large rocks for the past decade. In any case, the gameplay works as such. You have to avoid combat, for the most part, to get through the game remotely intact. To do this, you just use the handy-dandy radar up in the top corner to avoid being spotted by the enemy.

By some freak luck, every soldier in the game had their cataracts explode just before Snake arrived, so they're unable to see more than two feet in any given direction (the blue cone on the mini-map). I think that about sums it up. Oh, and the gun controls are quite shitty, but it's a stealth game, so.. y'know, makes sense.

Also, there are Rations. Which as far as I can tell contain magic, as opposed to any sort of food, since they can patch up tank-rounds to the face if the need arises. The Shadow Moses mess hall crew should be praised for their meal quality today!

In any case, Snake swiftly avoids detection from the Stormtrooper Aspirers.

"Hey guys, don't mind me, just taking a ride up on the INCREDIBLY LOUD AND OBVIOUS ELEVATOR."

For Snake, every time is an appropriate time for stripping!

THIS IS NOT SPLINTER CELL IT IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT OMG SNAKE COULD KICK FISHER'S ASS!!1111

Good thing nobody takes a peek over at the giant, blaring elevator when it arrives, otherwise this could end poorly.

"You managed to stand perfectly still for a minute. You'll surely get your wings for your actions today!"

In just over a decade's time, Campbell is going to look back on this and cringe something awful.

"Firm, but snug. Though I have no idea what the cut-out areas around the nipples are for..."

It certainly doesn't prevent sexiness though, eh what.

No shit? And here I was thinking it was Hawaii. My travel agent tells me nothing!

I was going to ask why Snake didn't just catch a lift with them, but knowing this organisation they would have just strapped him to a missile and fired wildly.

NO WAY!

Maybe it had a shitty travel agent too? Damn it all, Frank, this is why I never come over for festivities!

Our operation leader, ladies and gentlemen. Full of information and know-how, he is.

Because the guards will be going "oooooh, shiiiiiiny" at the helicopter for the next five minutes?

"Okay, gents, I'll just be popping out for a pint or two. Make sure you keep the place dapper, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE SURE SOMEBODY PUTS THE COVERS BACK ON THE OBVIOUS VENTILATION SHAFTS OR I'LL BE SO PISSED OFF I'M NOT KIDDING"

Bitch, please. We were wise enough and learnt the Song of Time beforehand. Everything's coming up Snake!

As far as actions of Metal Gear villains go, this is actually the most sane thing anyone does by far.

It's... actually rather sad, when you think about it.

Exquisite! Mei Ling, your first job is to make the graphics not suck. Okay? And..... go!

And thus will be the first person I scream at when both catastrophically fail.

As opposed to speaking to the dead legends, obviously.

Young? Proper? Green? Formal? ..... Gassy?

Oh lord, here we go...

Yeah, who cares about possible nuclear annihilation? Snake's gotta get his mack on, yo!

Too late, already explained it!

Pffft-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

Well, shoot, and here I was about to burst out into a song and dance number for them. Thanks for letting me know the haps, Naomi. That's why your the brains of this outfit!

Mo' liek DERPA. Zing!

The government, in an effort to spare no expense I'm sure, invented a radar device that works perfectly fine right up until the point you're spotted. Then it apparently becomes self-aware, goes, "Fuck this shit!" and leaves you alone while the guards pound down on you and you have to find a way to escape. Also known as the time you'll most need a fucking radar system.

Like my fist up your arse for giving such a useless device.

This being different from most applications, which are apparently made from hypothetical meta-future technology.

In other words, don't go parading around an Oingo Boingo concert with it.

fuck is that an old reference

Also known as the totally not suspect pizza delivery van just parked outside. I'm onto your cunning ruse, gentlemen!

"Of which a whole 2% may or may not be actually beneficial to your situation!"

And Shadow Moses was just designated a No Smoking Zone too. You rebel, Snake!

.... Please don't let that be--

Oh.

If Snake's ever in a bind, he can just pull his pants down and anal-rocket a pack of smokes into a soldier's face.

Safe to say that they won't be expecting that.

Anyway, back to the actual gameplay. I know, shocking for this series, but try to roll with it.

If you're feeling especially daring, you can pick up some Chaff Grenades between the roaming spotlights on the helipad. Of course, these would have been handy before you had to dodge the spotlights, but what are ya gonna do?

In a military base? INCONCEIVABLE!

And if you look very carefully in the back of a nearby truck, you can find a mediocre series of third-person shooters.

In order to progress, you can go one of two ways, though they ultimately don't make a single lick of difference. You can either dodge the guard and the SURVEILLANCE CAMERA?! on the second floor and enter the ventilation system there. Or you can do the same on the first floor. Whatever floats your boat.

Oh, boy, this'll be the first of many of these...

I JUST EXPLAINED THAT, NUMB-NUTS!

How the flying arse do two F-16's fail to shoot down a Hind D? They're like the whales of the sky!

Not to be confused with Sin, who was a whale in the sky.

Sounds sane and mature!

Okay, okay, jeez. I mean, pressure, much?

How handy that there weren't any vent covers for this suspiciously man-sized shaft!

Heheh... man-shaft.

Oh, Christ, not another one.

And this is why it's important to leave your cell phone off during movies and international espionage operations.

... Good for you? I'm... kinda in the middle of something important here, y'know?

"Also, if you could ignore what should logically be a very loud helicopter noise in the background that'd be just swell!"

So Snake likes Miller in his foxhole. Kinky.

Yes, because I'm sure conversations about the local butterflies or whateverthefuck will be VITAL on a mission to avert nuclear holocaust. What is wrong with you people!?

Right. Back to crawling around aimlessly!

Isn't this thrilling?

"Press the what? Bitch, you be tripping balls!"

It took many grueling months of ladder-training to bring Snake to this moment, but it was all worth it.

Oh, sweet chocolate dumplings, how many of these are there?!

Your tax dollars at work, American readers.

Feel free to cry uncontrollably now.

If you come through the second floor vent shaft, you have slightly-quicker access to this room, which is protected by the ever-shocking surveillance camera, and you can obtain a Thermal Goggle. Just the one, though. Rations are low, so you'll have to make do with what you're given, mister!

Thankfully Campbell doesn't call us up and give us a 20-minute tutorial on how to wait for an elevator properly.

I'd make a Banana's in Pajamas reference here, but none of you would get it.

And it wouldn't be funny.

Like most of these entires then, really, except more obscure.

Huzzah! This mission might be over quicker than I thought. Confetti and jubilations for all!

Looks like it's time for another crawl in the vent sha---

I KNOW HOW TO CLIMB A FUCKING LADDER!!

If this game were remade today, game journalists would be praising the colour palette of these vent systems.

CEILING SNAKE IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE

Astute observation.

"If this vent contains a hot woman instead of some random asshole, I'm going to be so mad!"

"..... Santa?"

"No."
"Goddamn it, this is the seventh vent I've busted open today. Curse my fevered luck!"

This might seem like a very odd question, but if a man dressed in combat-issue spandex kicked out my vent opening and dropped into the room I'd be asking some pretty stupid shit myself.

Though with these facial graphics, you wouldn't be heckled for thinking otherwise.

Ah! Ah! Ah! You don't say the magic word~

"Where the buggery did they take my eyes? Answer me!"

"No. You can only learn Nuke once you reach level 64 on the Biohazard talent tree."

I'm more of a Light & Tangy Buddha guy myself.

"Classified. Loud and clear! On a completely unrelated note, ignore me while I sign onto Twitter."

"... Zumbar Fitness Party. You know, those things aren't as hot when middle-aged guys do it. So much jiggling..."

Well that's just silly! You're all fucked if the damn thing trips over.

METAL GEAR!?

Yeah, it's not like it's in the title or anything, numpty.

Racist!

"We had a few drinks, even more wild nights, then she just up and left me. Cold-hearted slag!"

Au contraire, wankaire.

Dick-Waving: Nuclear Holocaust Edition.

"Curse those dastardly French! Them and their mon petit creme brulees!"

So now they're dog-napping? Are there no lows that organisation won't stoop too?!

That's even sillier!

Yeah, it probably wasn't a smart idea to loudly discuss the terrorist's plans right beside your cell door.

At what, exactly? Being bat-shit insane?

Oh. Right.

Sorry.

If they turn out to be Admin and Admin1, I'm going to honestly punch someone.

12345, maybe?

No, Snake, the local bread-maker, obviously.

"The password was 'password'. It's so obvious that nobody should've guessed it!"

Yes, Snake was just debriefed on this earlier.

Either the game assumes Snake is a moron, or the player is.

As we'll learn more clearly as the series progresses, Snake doesn't actually talk so much as he just repeats what someone said, in the form of a question. Quite the parlor trick!

"Parlor trick?"

Unfortunately he couldn't use them to tell the higher-ups to think of a less stupid name for their organization.

You think this is bad? You won't have to deal with the Cobras from MGS3, bucko!

So.. they can't launch a nuke now, right? Shit, I'd be on the phone to Campbell this second telling him it's A-OK to just carpet bomb the island then. Problem solved forever!

As long as it involves keeping my pants on, I'm all ears, brother.

So what's the damn point of the passwords then?

"Not related to the dance, unfortunately."

Ah, an excellent question! Do tell, Mr. Anderson.

Okay, fine, whatever. Where are they?

What... about... the keys?

I don't know why they don't just keep him in the perfectly functional jail they've got right here, but alright.

No, the jacuzzi room. What do you think he meant?!

..... Why?

Is it honestly that much of a hassle to keep the man in a room that you have to start demolishing walls of your own base just to keep him tucked away somewhere? Just throw him in a broom closet or something!