Working as Intended

And, lo, it does return to us!

I wish I could say that after the, uh... certain scene from the last entry that all the awkwardness from X-2 was behind us, but sadly we're only just beginning. The game isn't notorious for its fanservice for nothing, you know! But, on the plus side.... at least it isn't as bad as the Honey Bee Inn from VII?

Tha... That's a positive, right? Anywho, I don't want to keep the plot waiting, otherwise it'll go back into hiding and I'll have to spend another 8-10 hours chasing the stupid thing out again, so let's jump right into it, y'all!









When we last left Buttsy Von Hotpantsenstein, she had wrapped up all the filler wonderfully engaging woes the Spiran populace was suffering from today. This included making sweet 'monkey love' in the Zanarkand Ruins, not giving a shit that a race in Macalania was dying, as long as they played at Tobli's stupid band-orgy thing, and catching Chocobos for currently unknown reasons.

She's basically the roaming, Mary Sue equivalent of a hobo.




Oh, and we have to sneak into Chateau Leblanc because they stole a sphere of Yuna's that she never actually used.

O TEH NOES




And despite being fully dressed in the uniform on-board the Celsius, the big silly decides to take it all off anyway.

If she doesn't expose half her body at regular intervals, people might start noticing this game makes no sense she could horrifically explode and take out half the planet from the sheer stripperific power alone!




BUT YOU JUST....




"I'm just going to yell this aloud in my regular voice. I'm sure nobody will notice!"




If only because random henchman are just above inanimate objects when it comes to higher brain function.




I'd hate to think what'd happen if Paine wasn't here. Yuna and Rikku would probably just giggle that they were able to walk into the room, high-five, run back out and completely forget about the sphere's existence forever.




But no time for that now, we've got SHOCKING REVELATIONS to deal with!

Except, y'know... not at all.




If you mention the Northern Crater I'm turning this game off right now.




Just like my sanity...




And then Leblanc wanders off. I'm sure it's nowhere of any importance and will never come up again!




Uh... has this food been sitting out here for two years now?




Such is the power of LOVE.

Or inconsistent writing. Either way.




Come again?




Okay. I'm just going to place this bottle of Absinthe right here.

I'm starting to gain a sixth sense for these things.




Though the game's making it alarmingly obvious anyway.




It's okay. I can do this.

I'm sure it's perfectly safe and not at all brain-scarring.

No need to wash my mind's eye out with bleach and matches just yet.




Oh, god...

:: WARNING ::

The following video contains almost lethal amounts of sheer awkwardness and baffling fanservice. If you value your intellect or any remotely balanced points of view or innocence, you may want to skip the mini-game (or, hell, this entire entry) and report back next time!

You have been warned.

Okay? Okay.





So, uh, yeah. This is the massage mini-game.

Or, as many would put it, the Most Awkward Thing Ever in the Entire Final Fantasy Series.

There's absolutely no reason for it. But... well, here we are. It's the sort of thing that, even if you were living in a one-room shack in the middle of a wasteland with hundreds of miles between you and any living creature, you'd still turn the volume down under the ever-remote possibility that someone heard you playing this. Or, god help you, if someone heard it and walked in wondering what the buggery's going on.




Oh, sure, you have a relaxing sleep while my brain lies in ruins. That's fair!




Was this before or after you decided to trample all over her back?




I was going to make a joke about Leblanc being 'spent', but my mind can only take so much horrifying imagery for one decade.




Oh, yeah, hey, I have the message right here. It says PUT DOWN THE FORK

How about that.




Please don't let that be an euphemism.




It's a good thing procedure at Chateau Leblanc requires everyone explain details about a task that they should technically already know all about. If they didn't, horrible circumstances may occur, like someone getting any work done. Madness!




Running~!




DUHHHHHHHHHH I'UNNO




Apparently it causes Rikku to completely spaz out and start wailing on the wall.

Neat!




WHOOPSIE-DAISY




Oh hell to the no, Paine. I put up with the hot spring scene last entry, I am NOT dealing with an undress--




Oh, it happened off-screen. Thank god.

It's hard to tell with this game sometimes...




"SO COVERT THAT WE DITCHED THE COSTUMES AFTER 30 SECONDS AND ARE NOW SEMI-NUDE"



While it might feel natural the blame Brother for flipping out, the better question is why do the Gullwings even have the radio on in the first place? Especially since they know Admiral Spaztard is part of their crew.




Excellent! Now say that to Shelinda and everything will be peachy~




BUDGUDGUGUUGFUBAAAA?! NO WAY!!




"Anything but a semi-annoying boss encounter!"




A few people have asked why I don't comment on the boss battles in X-2 like I did in previous LPs. Well, the answer is simple, my little baked dumplings. All I literally do in X-2 is hammer down Attack. Or whatever the default action is on a dress-sphere. Going for 100% means that I'm so stupidly overleveled for these fights that there's nothing to comment on.

The More You Know~




BUTTCHEEKS PRANCING MORE RUNNING~




In a nearby room, we find some wicked sweet loot!

Or something boring, but kinda shiny-looking. Either way.




Huh. I wonder if Random Asshole Cameraman is an actual career option in Spira? Seems every group has one!




KUMQUAT!




!

A DUD?!




As long as everyone in this scene keeps their pants on, I don't care what they do.




O SNAP SON

You know what this means, dudes? It's time for---




ANOTHER POINTLESS BOSS BATTLE

Hooray.

Oh well. I'm getting Ability Points from this for Alchemist!Rikku, so I shouldn't complain.

It's not going to stop me from doing so, but, hey.




Heh.

Heheh.

Heheheheheheheheh.




OH SWEET CHOCOLATE SHITTING JESUS IN THE WOODS!!




MUST GO FASTER MUST GO FASTER




After dodging the completely illogically placed spikes, you have to find three override nodes to open this stupid door. Two of them are pretty easy to come across, but the third requires that you actually get hit by the spikes, for some reason. Doing this will break all concepts of time and space, alongside shattering causality, and will make Yuna teleport behind the spikes and onto a ledge high up on the wall with no visible way of access.

Anyway, once you get the stupid nodes you can open the stupid door and get on with the stupid stupidosity.




Either here or anywhere else in the entire Universe.




While Rikku and Paine actually try to get some work done, Yuna spends her time staring at the big purty round thingy and drooling constantly, waiting for that one neuron to finally exert itself and be freed from its painful existence.




So that's where the plot's been hiding. Cunning!




Well I'm pretty sure they didn't steal it to hold the world's most bitchin' country jamberoo out in the Moonflow.




... Don't ever say those words again, please.




Does this mean what I think it does?

Why, yes! It's time for...




Another pointless boss battle. Gigglesquee!

Point of Note: Leblanc's rather annoying in this battle, so kill her first. That's all the tactics you'll be getting from me.




Even if they did, they'd probably just think she was getting a massage again.




You mean you'll let me watch the sphere I just ripped from your shrill, ass-kicked hands?

Bitch, please.




Now let us never speak of it again.




I wonder who exactly recorded this sphere...

Maybe the Machina scientists were all 'Holy shit, this is the greatest thing ever. Hey, Bill and Matt, get your goddamn asses over here and start filming the crap out of this thing! I want it from as many impossible angles as possible! Make sure this video serves absolutely no purpose except for people to get a sense of foreshadowing 1,000 years into the future! Man, I'm so high right now... Where all da chips at?!'




And here I was thinking it was the other giant machina monstrosity hidden in a secret base. Thanks for clearing that one up.




If it's at Bevelle and Yevon-made, why didn't they use it to fight Sin?




Yes, good question. Why were they concealing it when they could've use it to defeat Sin.

This is something that needs to be further examined by all concerned!




As long as it doesn't involve your behinds, knock yourself out, kiddo.




What I'm planning is to smack everyone in the room who doesn't tell me why nobody used Vegnagun to defeat Sin.

Seems like a pretty easy solution!




"Yeah, here's a better plan, Chesty LaRue. How about you go fuck yourself and fight Vegnagun on your own if you're suddenly so goddamn interested in the fate of the world. I've done it once and lost people incredibly dear to me in the process. What have to you done? Except act antagonistic and steal my identity for your own selfish purposes. You want to be me so much, how about you get off your fucking worthless ass and actually do something, you self-absorbed, coat-tailing, harpy bitch!"

That's what Yuna would say if she had any sense of self-worth or a backbone in this game.

Unfortunately Spineless!Yuna has taken the stage, so we get nothing of the sort.





In Hell, preferably.




And now she's taking our airship.

If the damned thing wasn't already resembling a flying homeless shelter I'd expect someone to stamp their foot down right about now.




Ever head of "Yuna would just say yes anyway, because if she didn't she wouldn't be HELPING SOMEONE"?




"But then Square approached me for a sequel. I was sure it was going to make sense!"




While all this inward monologuing is going in, Paine just stares on, somewhat perturbed.




"What the fuck is she doing?"




LATER, AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE CRAB FECAL MATTER




No, first thing we're going to do if throw you straight out the airlock.

But, hey, you just might reach Bevelle that way! I hear they need another coat of red paint for the outer wall anyway.




Why wait? Do it now!




Oh, I do ever wonder what Mary Sue Wonderbottocks is going to say.




I thought you were meant to be half-way out the airlock by now?

Why do we even have crew members on this ship?!




Sure, if by that you mean she actively seeks it out, then tries to act all Woe is Me when someone has a problem she can't fix nigh-instantly.




Oh, sweetie, you're not fooling anyone.

You know this organization doesn't actually hunt spheres. That would be silly!




I certainly hope Yuna already knows this. Otherwise she's the most sad apathetic or antagonistic person ever.




Well I'm certainly not going to get to the bottom of it by standing on ground level, am I?

Eh?

Eh?

Oh, screw you guys. That was gold.




Through constant waves of melodrama and TWEEEESTS, I would assume.

It's a video game. That how everyone solves all their problems.




I thought our target was Vegnagun?

UNLESS... OF COURSE!

It was so obvious.




So that's why Final Fantasy leads always end up with six or so buddies...




[Insert your own stupid Power Level/Dragon Ball joke here]




And on that note, let us do great battle!

Great, forced battle every 10 steps, because Yuna apparently suffered a massive brain-fart and has forgotten how to jump over to the hover-platform thing and skirt by all the forced encounters. Thanks a lot, missy!




Except the gate guards, who are apparently nodding off on the job.

Hooray for fatigue and horrible work hours!




And these guys, who are apparently just retarded.




Yeah, that's a pretty good summary of this chapter.




INTO THE ABYSS




Oh, great, we're back at the Bahamut Cloister. Because, y'know, out of all the trials to revisit, this is the one!

As long as I don't have to ride any glyphs or solve stupid puzzles I'll keep my swearing to a minimum.




Being ironic, like, duh! The temples are only cool now that all the stupid sheep Yevonite aren't hanging out there. It's where fiends can go to be totally unique individuals and purchase massively overpriced corporate clothing.




"GOD, THIS PLACE IS BECOME SO MAINSTREAM SINCE HUMANS RETURNED. I'M GOING BACK TO THE FARPLANE. THEY UNDERSTAND MY TRUE SOUL AND M.I.A/PETER BJORN ALBUMS"




Again, thankfully, you don't have to redo the Cloister puzzle from FFX to proceed.

If you did, then nobody would've proceeded past Chapter 2, due to a rampant case of snapped disc.




LATER, AT THE CHAMBER OF PAST EXPOSITION




If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a pretty farkin' big hole.

Oh, well only one thing to do now~




WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Not Shown: Everyone hitting the ground at terminal velocity and wearing their kneecaps around their nasal passage.





Uh. Okay. Crazy question...

HOW DID THEY HIDE THIS?!

I guess the entrance being literally underneath the Bahamut Fayth is a good way making sure nobody could find it. Including the people who would've built the stupid facility in the first place. Considering a standard cannon on a Machina airship managed to blast off Sin's arms and cause him to crash, I'm honestly surprised the giant demonic whale managed to live so long with all this shit existing.




OH SHI-

INCOMING SPIKE WALL OUT OF BLOODY NOWHERE




Yuna, now's not the time to ask people if your butt looks big.




Now's the time for... surfing... down... giant chains?

Yeah. Sure. Why the hell not.




"Hee. Those chain-surfing classes were worth every penny!"


NOT FOREBODING AT ALL SERIOUSLY




Oh. Uh... Hello! Sudden... unprompted boss battle?

I'm just going to stab you real good until you go away, okay?




Okay.

Right. NEXT!




Onwards we go, into the most gigantic unexplained factory complex in the entire Universe.

How did Sin even exist with all this stuff here?




It even features the most unnecessary transport ferry of all time!




Also, a giant rotating dungeon, for some inexplicable reason.

So the structure of Bevelle's underground seems to go:
Temple -> Misty Abyss -> Cloister of Trails -> Hole -> Disturbingly Advanced Research Facility -> Jail.

The next room could honestly take me to friggin' Hyrule and I don't think I'd bat an eye at this point.




Voldemort was here?




Not in this game it aint, Yuna.




Onwards!

Small Note: There's a mini-game you can play where you have to ride the giant rotating jail cages around to get some treasure, but, surprise, it's hard to understand and totally not worth the time. Wheeee!




More pointless hover-lifts!

Has nobody in Bevelle honestly heard of stairs before? Or an escalator, if you're exceptionally lazy.




On the plus-side, we do get the BATMAN job class. Sweet!




Oh, and more cutscenes.

T... That's fine too, I suppose.




No, actually, I came to ask what shampoo you use. I just love what you've done with your hair!




"But it turns out it can only be destroyed be three inappropriately dressed lesbians. What are the odds, eh?"




We're here to kick its ass, Baralai, not molest it.




Hey, Mr Leader of Yevon, the pot called. He said you're a wanker.




Yes. Manipulating the world and causing untold wars and death for a thousand years will probably do that.




What are you doing to do, metrosexual it to death?





Wear your underpants on the outside.

What is with that, anyway?




LE GASP




I really don't get Baralai's train of thought here. He tries to convince the others that he can take care of Vegnagun and they needn't bother, but then turns around and starts attacking them before they can even say, "Fair enough. Have fun with that, dickyogurt!" But I'm sure this will be explained later and will make perfect sense.

Go ahead, start laughing now. I'll wait.

Also, there's a boss battle. It's not very exciting.




Oh, no you're not. You're not leaving me with goddamn Yuna and Rikku, bub!




Huh. Yuna not wanting to instantly help someone who exists with an obvious issue.

I guess this game does have some unexpected moments!




Now, it's pretty damn obvious that Paine has some history with Baralai, Nooj and Gippal, but what made her break away from them to become a bloody sphere hunter? Or, more importantly, what exactly did she tell Brother and Rikku about herself when she joined up with them? Considering neither knows anything about her. Or why Yuna apparently never asked Paine a single question when she apparently joined up later.

Though, granted, what Rikku, Yuna and Brother have any knowledge about would only fill half a bottle cap.




Hah.

No, wait, I'm stuck with these two numpties now. CRAP FUCK SHIT HAPPY!




The plot not being one of them.




Whatever it is, it damn well better be 100% completion.

Anyway, let's go see what Paine's up to, eh?




Well this doesn't seem ominous in the lea---




WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH




o shit




Well, fuck me with a spoon, this game actually has a twist.




please dont kill me




"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GUN! YOU ARE WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE!"




"We tried to reason with it, you all saw. Our only course now is to murder it in the face!"




So.. yeah, this is Maybe!Bahamut. And he's the first boss that actually packs quite a punch. Mostly because of bloody Mega Flare. Even so, if you managed to find the Dark Knight sphere before, you can just have Paine and maybe someone else equip it and use Darkness a whole bunch and he'll eventually go down.

Damn glad I leveled up Alchemist!Rikku, though. Those Mega Potions are handy~




Aww  ; ;




That's what you get for signing the sequel contract without reading it first, dear.




"I just wanted to stab something. Don't make this all weird."




Yuna would know. She has ample hole-experience.

NOT LIKE THAT

Maybe.




No, it was the tribe of the mole people. They always dig throughout Bevelle. You know, in case they try to start any shit.




This looks like an A-Grade plot hole, so it could go on for miles.




There was a Vegnagun here. It's gone now.




REALLY?




What, did the three suddenly start making out off camera or something?

It's freaking hole, Leblanc.




Refer to previous statements about contract screwing.




Oh no, no, that's just the bridge you're standing on.

Uh... you might wanna consider moving, maybe?




And there goes any level of seriousness that scene may've had!




Hooray!

Only three more... to... go...




LATER, ON BOARD THE DOUBLE-HEADED RED WEDDING VEGETABLE




Told ya. Sending people back there means others know about it. That shit just aint proper, ya'know?





Brother... why do you have to slam your sister's head near your crotch.

You're like a menagerie of horror and brain-scarring, you know that, right?




No, it's Morphin' Time. Gullwing Time isn't until 2:00.




Dude, at this point 80% of the spheres in your collection are just ones you stumbled into by chance.

You're not sphere-hunters. That would imply some level of effort and concentration on the subject.




hawt?




Do you really need to ask that question?




So do I. It's called 'Let the Temples Deal With Their Own Shit. We're Not a Fucking Charity'.

It's got a nice ring to it~




...



. . . . What.




Gotta love Yuna's, "A-DOIIIIIIIII????" pose.




I think it's the most retarded thing I've heard since the last retarded thing.




Oh, I think can think of an encyclopedia's amount of reasons why.




YOU WERE DOING THAT ANYWAY.




As far as I can tell, that's been on hold for the past forever.




For the love of Yevon, please stop saying those words.




The liquor store. If we're going through with this bullshit then I need to be suitably intoxicated.

Like, to the breaking point of alcohol poisoning.




Gladly. What up?




"... has summoned the Black Materia. Well I'll be buggered."




OH NO




Yup. Nobody cares. NEXT!




He jumped ship from this altitude?

Awesome!




Ah, so many choices ahead of us~!

Why am I crying bile suddenly?




"Let them step all over me. Got it!"




Oh, Paine~

Well, that's it for this entry and Chapter 2, kiddies. Next time we'll begin Chapter 3, durrrr, and almost instantly start dealing with the most obnoxious mini-game ever conceived by mortals. Alongside other wacky and most likely entirely nonsensical malarky.

Such is life in the Zone Spira.

Until then~!







:: Bonus Content ::

Dissidia 012 quest about Yuna's changes between X and X-2. Get the true story!

By which I meant not at all, because it's profoundly stupid.