Working as Intended

Welcome, to yet another flippin' Final Fantasy game!

XII is a title I've wanted to play again for a very long time, but just never could put into an LP format for one reason or another. Either the emulator would start screwing up, or screenshots would go mysteeeeeeriously missing, or I got incredibly lazy way too busy! But, shucks, here we are now!

I'm not entirely sure I wanna tackle XII (at least in this format), so this'll just be a test entry! If the post suddenly vanishes one day, well... you'll know why! There's not really much else to say, except that XII has this perplexing idea of focusing around the two least important characters to the plot for the first three or so hours. It'd be like if VII started up with Yuffie and Vincent standing around a forest doing absolutely squat.

So, in the case of Vincent, it'd be an improvement hurrrrrrr

Anywho, let's get this rolling!








I hope you've all got your popcorn ready, but this is one heck of a long opening FMV!




Indeed I can, voice of God.

But if you tell me I've fallen off the upper sector and landed in a slum Church, you and me will be having words!




Well nuts to you too, mister!




Some of us are just hear for the awesome rave party happening a few blocks down!

Well, if the carcass of a disturbingly large airship hasn't plowed half-way through it yet, anyway.




"Hablo Von Jaquith. I am the town's resident salsa dancer~!"




"First name: Tyrannosaurus."




Oh, I can do do more than that. I can siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing~!

Well, okay, maybe I should stick with standing.




Not old enough to be considered a playable character beyond the tutorial, apparently.




"Eighteen, you say? Perfect ;) "





Ah, so Unimportance to Greater Story, we'll soon find, must run in the family.

Darn genetics!




The man didn't ask for his life story, boy!




Don't ever say that while looking at his crotch, please.




Oh, boys his age wield their swords all the time.




Thanks for the Name Drop, mysterious stranger~




You don't want them to act. What? Are they soap opera cast members or something?




Eh, not nearly hammy or melodramatic enough to warrant worrying over.




"I'll deal with these riff-raff. Why, if they mildly irk me any more, I might have to consider them rapscallions!"




"ARGH MY ORGANS! MY ONE WEAK-SPOT!!"




"You want me to use my what now?"




I sure do!

.... The fuck?




Party Menu:
-Dance
-Select Person You're Totally Gonna Fight After This Song Ends, I'm Serious Guys
-Make Out With What You Assume is a Bangin' [Guy/Girl] in the Bathroom Stalls
-Drink Spiked Beverage




And so we're brought to the combat system in XII~

If you've played Final Fantasy XI, it's a lot like that in many regards. Selecting Attack will let you auto-attack an enemy, while you select spells or general abilities from the menu. Unlike XI, however, battles against generic mobs don't last for six minutes and it doesn't take five levels to unlock the use of a single spell.

Oh, and it's probably worth noting that XII is the first offline game in the series to get rid of random battles. Hooray!




Further up the road, we encounter a new friend~!




Or is that a Boss Encounter? I always get the two confused!

Though it's not really a boss, because you have so many NPCs nearby that they'll defeat the stupid thing without you even participating, if you're a boring enough individual to want that to happen. If not, then.. uh.. just keep your distance and cast Thunder a lot until it reaches half-health.

When that happens, Basch gets angry.




FIIIIINAL--




FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!




With the requisite Dragon Ball reference out of the way, the group moves onwards once more!




Down the hallway. He found the rave party!

You guys should totally go with, before someone inevitably gets alcohol poisoning and the night is simply ruined!




I... don't think he asked, but thanks for sharing, Basch!

Also, I don't think Death appreciates being laughed at. It has feelings too, you know!




"They die face down in the toilet!"




What Vossler puts on his 'seal' is none of my business. Thank Christ.




And about 4 seconds after the above cutscene, I managed to get lost. On what is ostensibly a straight line.

Feel free to laugh now. I... I'll just wait here.




No, that's a Home Point. You can't trick me!




"My emo haircut will defend us all!"




Well I don't think a fight to the death is something you half-arse, but thanks for the vote of confidence.




Oi! The referee specifically said to keep your hits above the waist-line, you cheap little sod!




With the soldier's groins rather gratuitously removed from their bodies, it's time to move onto the final room, where only wonderful and happy things could possibly await us!




Okay, I know this might seem bad, but it could just be that they put the wrong kind of icing on his birthday cake.

That... that's a thing, right? People get upset over tha---




Oh.

Oh.




This is the worst rave party I've ever been to!

I'm just going to turn around now and leave. Luckily, I know for a fact that there's nobody behind me to--




Oh, son of a bitch.




Uh... he only beat you here by a minute, dude. I don't think he killed all of them!

I hope you have some evidence to back up your accusation of HATE




Oh, a knife in your stomach?

Yeah... yeah, I guess you have a point then.




"Down I go!"




"My only regret is... that I.. got stabbed..."

Quiet, Reks, I can't hear the plot happening nearby!




I have no idea where that group of soldiers was hiding in the room, but being a few seconds earlier really would've helped!




Oh, Basch, you and your outrageous claims...

"The King was a Traitor~  Vagrant Story is part of the Ivalice Canon~  The World is Being Controlled By a Bizarre and Never Properly Explained Race of Floating Rock Dildos!"




We're only 15 minutes in and we've already gotten a glimpse of the main villain.

Surely a new record for this series!




"Is anybody gonna help me up? Anyone? No? If you could just toss me a Cure or something then?"




"Man, you guys suck!"




"Who will teach him to be become completely irrelevant now?!"




SUDDENLY: We cut to... uh.... someplace.



"Well, well, well... if it isn't my arch-nemesis. A GROUP OF RATS!!"




None shall escape the wrath of Vaan: Slightly Irritable Rodent Slayer!




This might be a jolly good time to point out that Vaan's... uh... muscles are horribly textured.

In that they look less like muscles and more like the guy hasn't had anything to eat in about six months.




Right! Back to killing rats for no adequately explored reason.

We just finished a tutorial section, game!




HAHAHAHAHA WHO'S QUEEN OF THE SEWERS NOW PUNK

SHIT I MEAN KING KING



Guess I know who to call when shut your filthy goddamn mouth comes along!




Assuming everything you encounter looks and acts like a rat, sure.




Pffft! This is the Final Fantasy world. Who needs work? We'll just live off of vending rat entrails to NPCs for the rest of our days! Because... apparently that's a market that's in need of constant supply.




"I'll go grab the Barry White albums and everything!"




So don't want to know.




Is that the Dalmascan way of saying that he's gonna have to choke a bitch?




Good to know!




Yeah, because, y'know, that's really frigging useful information for the player to have.




That's marginally better!

For those keeping track, this means that the Dalmascans lost horribly at Arcadia after the Tutorial  




I smell police brutality~!




Who does this jerk think he is? You'd swear he was trying to run a shop or something. Pfft!




Oh god!

No wonder most guards keep their flippin' visors down! That's a face only a Malboro could love.




"Just don't show me your face again. I like my brain not leaking out of my nose, thanks. "




Eh, at least he didn't refer to it as his sack.




Swish, Vaan!

And now to casually make our escape, where absolutely nobody could ever suspect us ev--




Well, crap.



Well, in fairness, he'll be essentially no good to anyone in about three hours time regardless.




Not in this game, you're not!




Thanks.. for the rather clunky bit of backstory exposition?

I think she'd be well aware by now that she's an orphan too...




"Don't make me go upside your head!"




I thought it belonged to the stupid ugly enemy guard?




I don't recall any such conversation happening!

Then again, I'm not entirely sure how this one started, so I might not be a good judge of that.




.... Maybe?




Suddenly, the duo are attacked by the shadow of a Minecraft demon. ARGH!




Or it's just a conveniently placed shadow of an airship. Either way!




Not until the sequel, you won't.

And even then, you don't really get to pilot it. Sucks, huh?




Mo' liek ass pirate




Penelo looks at him as if he's honestly lost his goddamn mind.

Good reaction to have!




Unless he flies the dungeon.

OF COURSE!




"Money that needs collectin'. Ho's that need to be taught what-for. Y'know, the usual."




As in 'What did the five fingers say to the face'?




We have all of Rabanastre to explore now!

Of course, the all important GO HERE DUMBASS glowing X beckons us, so we'll head there.




Time to put those Not!Muscles to work, Vaan!




Uh.... okey-dokey?




Is 'sundries' street-talk for 'cocaine'?




What up, lizard man?




Did Customs discover them on the way in? Those bastards!




This is sounding more and more like a World of Warcraft quest.




Awesome. Welp, my job here is done then!




Yup. Totally a WoW quest...




Even less work for me to do. Score!




So... you want me to fetch the person who's fetching the goods from someone else to replace the goods that you ordered another someone else to fetch originally.

That... makes sense?




Let's... uh... go do that then.

Yeah!




Thank you, talking, somewhat alarmed, door.




Hey! This isn't a wretched hive of scum and villainy at all!




The billboard ate him?




It's an XI Mandragora out trick-or-treating.

Awwwwwww~




Vaan, the last person who said that within earshot of Migelo had their kneecaps shot out.

Just sayin'.




Uh, thanks, person who was Kytes about 5 seconds ago?




In the Ivalice world, the entirety of civilization rides on the notion that people have a licence for everything. Do you want to wear a hat? Sorry, you're too retarded to do that until you earn your licence. Oh, I bet you can't wait to use that Cure scroll you just bought, huh? SLOW DOOOOOWN MOTHERFUCKER YOU NEED SOME LICENCE UP IN THAT BIZNITCH FIRST




I recall saying nothing of the sort!




This is the Licence Grid. Basically whenever you kill a monster you'll get LP, which can be used to unlock the use of abilities, spells, weapons, armour, summons and Quickenings (Limit Breaks). It's a neat little system, but the inability to see what's more than a square away from you at any given time means you'll most likely be winging it when it comes to progression, or looking at a chart on GameFAQs or something.

For this playthrough, Vaan (whatever I play of him), will be learning Sword, Shield and White Magic stuff, thus making him a pretty spiffy Paladin!




IT BEGINS




I thought he might be enjoying a nice blueberry schnapps ; ;




Barret already stole my incredibly lame Watch joke. Curses!




Vaan takes a break from his chores to practice prancing around the plaza~




I bet the crowd isn't too crash-hot about you either, you Sour Sally!




"Also a shirt. By the gods, man, we really don't need to see your nipplies!"





Even the Imperials know not to fuck around with our lizard friend.




No time for skipping now, we've got shit to do!




Uh... can I please skip fighting the creepy, huge wolves with glowing red eyes?

Seriously. I'll tackle any other mob out here but the---




OH SWEET JESUS

I knew my dinosaurs could get out of their cages, but I didn't think they could track me to an entirely different game!




Sweet!

Sadly, at this point in the game, there isn't much to do besides auto-attack.

Unlike the last FF game that had us do that, however, this will quickly change!




There's our little friend now~




But instead of wanting to fight us here, the little dude promptly leaps off the cliff-edge!




Oh... oh dear...






A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA?!




They generally only grow at the Church in the slums, I know.




Well, that was a job well..... job.




SOON: Conflict!!




"Oh, dude, that was a wicked burn :3"

"I know. High-five!"




But then the Imperials do the unthinkable. They crush the apparently, but not actually explained why yet, symbolic flowers!

THOSE FUCKERS




"I am smoldering with constipated rage!"




Thankfully the door opens anyway and Vaan can safely run to where his newly discovered FMV-detecting senses lead him!




Rufus seriously needs to hire Vayne's speech writer.




Voice of GAWD, I can safely say I have not!





That, and I don't think Jafar Vayne would allow any dirty street-rats in.




"I think this is a very sudden turn of events for you, and I'd like to see some proper reasoning, if you don't mind."




Oh, so we're stealing from our own palace now, just because the Arcadians occupy it?

That seems a little backwards. Also, asininely risky.




Finally! A gentlemen in this series who buys someone dinner before doing the long night samba!




She's got you there, bub.




Next up on the agenda? Why, talking to someone we don't know who will help us get into the palace, of course!

I can't help but shake the feeling I've done this before HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM




Ah, so there's where he keeps the cocaine and bribe money. Gotcha.




There's lotsa shops down here in Lowtown (which may or may not be underneath Rabanastre itself). One of the neater features of XII's shopping is the Bazaar system, which allows you to sell all the random crap you get off mobs and turn it into some neat specials.

For example, selling two Cactus Fruit will give you the Potion Pack~




Elsewhere, in a dick-move worthy enough of the X-2 100% Completion developers, you can easily get the best all-round weapon in the game, the Zodiac Spear, much later on if you complete a certain task. The task? Why, not opening one of a few certain Treasure Caskets throughout the entire game, of course.

Caskets that are impossible to tell apart from any other treasure.

And are usually hours apart from each other, so you'll most likely forget not to open them until too late.

And the caskets you can't open are generally the only ones that have anything good in them.

In short, the game designers can kindly go and bite the big one, hard.




"Rats? RATS?! WHERE!?! I WILL DESTROY ALL RODENTS WHO DARE TREAD UPON MY SOIL!!"




A feat no video game character has ever done before!




Well, shoot, and here I was sort of betting they'd protect everything except the palace and the priceless artifacts inside.




Which, in RPG Land, means it will be 100% accurate!




What? Did a certified Umbrella Puzzle Designer come by and scope out the joint? I don't need to know where to find the Magicked Stone or Diamond Emblem, just gimme a frickin' Firaga scroll!

Or the stone. I'm not picky. But that probably requires some obnoxious fetch que--




Oh.

Well, awesome then. Hand it over plox




BUT YOU NEVER MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THAT YOU SENILE OLD FART




"Just write it down in my log, would you kindly?"


"Oh, you son of a...."




That's better!




Why... does he have a group of half-dressed children sitting in the corner?




I think the less questions asked about that, the better...




And not a single pyramid in sight!




First thing's first, let's get some leveling done, shall we?

Get over here, you little varmint!




You shan't escape me toda---

Wait.




I.... Is that what I think it is?




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!




Swiftly getting away from.... that, Vaan decides to proceed with the plot, rather than face the disturbing wrath of any further bunnies.




I bet they don't.




Nearby, we find our obligatory mouseketeer Moogle! Like FFXI, you can buy maps that'll fully unravel the mysteries of any zone. Or just find them in dungeons. Either way, since this game is probably the least linear of any main series, non-MMO, Final Fantasy title, they come in pretty handy!




Oh, poor Vaan. Emasculated for the first of many times in the game!




Yes, yes, I finish one quest and you immediately give me a similarly themed second one. I've played MMOs before, y'know!




Oh well, we best rough up some of local child labour for information. It's what Migelo would've wanted.




LE GASP :O




THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION AT ALL!

You're not stepping one foot into my party until you explain your acti---




Oh, god damn it.