Working as Intended

Our adventures in Midgar are nearly at an end!

It's strange. I always remembered the Midgar sequence being much longer for some reason. One of the many things I'm learning as I go through VII again for the first time in over half a decade. The game... doesn't hold up nearly as well as I had hoped. The setting of Midgar is still brilliantly oppressive and dark (territory the series rarely ventures into), but it's marred by expectedly outdated graphics and an alarmingly poor translation. I'm just finding it difficult to really get immersed in the experience and with the characters like I used to, when all I see are lines that make absolutely no sense left and right.

Sad as it is to say, it's actually left me feeling like I don't want to finish playing through. But the promise of Cid's awesomeness on the horizon does spur on motivation!

Not sure what I'm gonna do yet. I want to finish VII (as it's still a good RPG, and I'd like to get around to finishing what I start, like with VIII and X), but there are a few other games that are calling for my attention! I'd love to give Final Fantasy XII a crack, as well as some other non-FF titles. And, of course, go back to IX and wrap it up. I'll leave it up to the always friendly feedback from you kind cats and kittens for what I should do next!

In the meanwhile, The Shinra await!

Or was that just Shinra...?

Oh, who cares.








I should certainly hope so! What with you being the leader of an anti-Shinra movement and all...




Ah, so Shinra goes by the Umbrella philosophy of awkward and unintuitive security structuring then?




And here's our first choice in the game that actually makes somewhat of a difference!

If you burst in the front, you get more EXP and levels from the forced encounters. However, if you sneak in quietly you get... uh...

Really cramped hands from all the stair running? Yeah, that's some incentive!




However, since I clearly hate myself, let's go do the hand-imploding thing.




You're coming with us too, bozo!




I hope you like this screen, because the next 10 minutes of the game involve nothing but it!




You're preaching to the choir, man.




Not even nine flights up and the stairs have already broken his brain. Not good!




Not you too, Tifa?! Dear lord, the madness is spreading!!




I'm going to find whoever's responsible for this section of the game and shoot them right in the junk.





"All the stairs do is repeat 'KILL YOUR FAMILY! KILL YOUR FAMILY!' That means I'm super sane, right?"




Oh, sweet chocolate Methuselah on a shitting antelope, how many fucking steps are there?!




Let me check.

Oh, it's floor I Hate Myself. What are the odds?




POTTY-MOUTH :O




heh heh heh.....




Urge to kill.... rising.




OH, SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! FREEEEEEDOM!!




You and me both, buddy.




And, naturally, the second we run up the stairs we're immediately spotted by soldiers and forced into a battle. Thus making the entire 'sneak in quietly up the stairs' segment pointless.

I'm going to go cry in the corner now.




One easy battle and 15 litres of tears of pure liquid torment shed later...




Most of the traveling now will be done by either the elevator or *twitch* staircase.

For the purposes of the story, floors 63-65 are completely useless, and are only there if you want to nab some shiny items. Well, that and you need to go to these floors to obtain Keycards for the other floors. Because, y'know, intuitive design is for losers, daddy-o!




Whoops. Wrong floor~




If I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were trying to guard something! Pfft!




As a kid, I always had a real hard time getting this section done, for some silly reason. Probably because I ate some wall-candy and paint-thinner that one time and it slowed the reaction of my brain-meats by a good few seconds. But it's all good now.

Now.

Now.

Now.


Now.


Now.


Now.


Now.







CANDY!




... and roll all night?

What is your policy on partying every day?




Well, drat, and I thought we came all this way just to shit in President Shinra's mail box...

Shut up, Tifa.




Lady, I think Cloud learnt all he needed to about.... things, at the Honey Bee Inn.

And then some.




FLIRT!




Incredibly obvious members of AVALANCHE that everyone in this tower should logically have seen by now?




As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions or comments? Yes. Yes we are.




Shinra Inc: 
Where Security is So Top Knotch That We Just Give Our Keycards Away to Anyone for No Adequately Explored Reason!




Yes, I imagine masturbating behind the desk all day must be rather tiring.




WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE FOR????




Cloud waits in the men's shower for five hours, just hoping that someone will give him some Honey Bee lovin', but alas...




You know, for the world's largest and most diabolic energy company, the inside of their HQ is... pretty crappy.

Where's the pristine environments? The floor paved with gold? The giant adamantine statue of President Shinra or whoeverthehell? You're meant to be villains, goddamn it! If 56,000 slaves don't die in the construction of your master building, then what's the point?




Another victory for women's lib!




Seeing as how I'm, you know, not demented, I can safely say I don't hear mysterious voices when I'm on the crapper.




Yes, climbing up onto the toilet would be the next logical step, game.




True to video game conventions, the vent is large enough for three people to easily move about inside of!






"More importantly, you better not be downloading your personality into computers again. We don't need you appearing in any abysmal sequels this game might spawn!"




So.. you kidnapped Aerith for an experiment nobody, including the person it revolves around, isn't going to even close to alive for the conclusion of?

Yeah, this seems like a noble endeavour!




NOT CREEPY AT ALL GUYS SERIOUSLY




"As per our quota, we've established and achieved next to nothing. Go team!"




That'd be the script, deary.




No, I'm positive they were talking about Matthew, from tech support.




Let's not.





Given the events that the spinoffs will establish, this ends up being contradicted somewhat.

Continuity! Who needs it?




It was awfully nice of Hojo to keep the door to the floor we'd otherwise been unable to access unlocked, though~




No.

I refuse to believe this is an actual enemy.

Just.... I... I give up.




Good job hiding, Cloud. Nobody will ever suspect someone was there!




Gives the lab a nice festive feeling, no?




Plot device.




OMG BOOBS IN A VIDEOGAME OMG NC-17 SOMEONE INFORM THE NEWS BANNED!!!

WON'T SOMEBOOBYBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!



Unfortunately, the sight of Jenova causes Cloud's brain to start eating itself.




"I will confirm my suspicions by not explaining it any further to anyone for the next few hours!"




As much shit as I give Barret, this is one of the most appropriate lines in the game.




I'm sure nothing bad will come from following Hojo up this dubious elevator!





"It's in my contract that I'm good for another 20 hours, and at least one climatic boss battle!"




Yeah, best of luck getting this group to go along with that, man.




"Oh, just thinking how corking it'd be to transfer my memory into a computer. It's all the rage these days, I hear!"




Yup. Hojo's grand plan for the Promised Land involves having Aerith mate with that... red.. lion... thing.

I'm pretty damn sure that's not how biology, or anything, works, Hojo.




Barret, being the sensible and logical core of the group, starts firing wildly at the container.




ADMINISTERING T-VIRUS IN 5.... 4....




No. No! Bad Hunter!




Why doesn't everyone just escape? We've got Aerith. There's no reason to be here anymore!





Very well, o great lion warrior. You shall henceforth by known across the kingdom as....




Yeah, it probably wasn't the best idea letting the man suffering from multiple psychosis name you, in retrospect.




Suddenly! We cut to... the world's least warned and necessary boss battle?

What the hell is that thing anyway?




Oh well. At least we get some decent rewards for keeling it. Hooray!




Uhhhhh, didn't Aerith just run off before?

Dear lord, no wonder Shinra had such an easy time capturing her. She probably willingly leapt into the body-bag they were carrying.




... I'm trying to find a non-dirty way this could be taken, but I'm just not seeing any.




"I'M BATMAN"




Oh, god, you're one of those pseudo-intellectual types, aren't you?

Yes, yes, you're a very wordy and mysterious leaf that drifts upon the moonward winds. Nobody cares.




What? With your reproductive organs?




Why don't we all just make our way down there?

No, wait, that'd make sense. Sorry.




Welp, time to make our way out then.

Because we all know this is going to be a very simple and quick process. Mmmhmm, most definitely!




SUDDENLY: AN AMBUSH NOBODY COULD'VE SEEN COMING!!




Is that an euphemism?




This'd mark the second time so far that Cloud's gotten some from a tall, bald man.

The man-whore!




Spit it out first, then talk, Cloud.

oh god that was disgusting im so sorry




No, I'm sure the Shinra personnel were more than happy to let the AVALANCE leader with a machine gun for a hand, his disturbingly busty side-kick, a giant red lion thing, and the well known and hunted for last Ancient just waltz right out the front goddamn door.




We established this hours ago, but yes, thank you.




It's awfully nice of him to give us this lecture as Professor Shinra  




I bet many teenagers in the 90's wished to find their way to Aerith's 'promised land'.




Oh, I just bet it is.




That's rather abrupt! What is the Promised Land really? What's this about the whole 'you need 120 years to find it' or whatever? I wish to kno---




AH DAMN IT




Yes, because that was clearly the issue with AVALANCHE, Barret.

Go sit in the corne--

Oh.




No, no, no, you're thinking of most of the Final Fantasy VIII cast.




With no-one in the room to get it on with, Aerith becomes rather lonely.




UH-OHZ





Verbal catfight! Takin' all bets!




Refusing to listen to the two women hiss at each other all night, Cloud opts instead to slam his head into the wall.




THE NEXT MORNING: Mystery!!




"I've got some morning wood with your name on it, your jigglyness!"




Oh-ho! Got something to confess do you, Red XIII? Or, should I say, SEPHIROTH?!?!




Well, darn, and here I was going to slap the ass of the nearest soldier and get myself captured again.




Yeah, this isn't disturbing at all.




Just upstairs Professor President Shinra is discovered dead, with a sword in his back.

Or something along those lines. It's kind of hard to tell with these dreary graphics sometimes.




When I was a kid, I used to believe that this meant that the game was over, and that the over two discs were the same story told from Tifa and Barret's perspective.

I was a pretty stupid kid.




"Sharp! Ye gads!"








Uh... why is that exactly?

I mean, these are the days before Sephiroth's Masamune became a giant 15-foot willy-extension, so...




Assuming the corporation has in no way any contingencies for when their old, fat, highly hated president dies? Sure, why not.




Unfortunately, Palmer picked a bad time and place to be caught jerking it.




Man, talk about your rough sex then...





Allow me to answer this by laughing hysterically.




The who now?




Wait, so Barret, the leader of the anti-Shinra movement, entirely forgot that there would, in fact, be a Vice President to take control of the company if the President died or got removed?

... That explains so much about the start of this game that it isn't funny.




Well, let's go say 'lo to the wacky-chappy then!




Trust me, you don't know the half of it.




Well.... yeah.

Was that meant to be an insult or something?




Awww, how nice of him!




No offense, but that speech kind of... well, sucks.

If you're trying to win over the people's confidence with speeches, Obama you aint, sir.




As opposed to the back-up plan, which was to leave the building and force Aerith to stay here, picking her arse.




Well someone's being a bit of an overdramatic butthole, aren't they?




Hahahaha.

Barret's doing a good job winning me over this entry.




"If you don't hurry, you'll miss yet another entirely pointless and unnecessary boss battle. GO!"




Speaking of~




Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember the elevators being large enough to fit a fucking tank in there!

How would they even get it on there?!




Oh well, who gives a toss. IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER---




... Huh. Could've sworn there was going to be one.




...

Oh well! Anyway, the point of this battle is to us--




"Shit. Sorry I'm late. Did somebody call for another pun-based attack?"




"Good night, sunshine~!"




Meanwhile, away from the awesome, Cloud and Rufus have a man on man brawl!

And not the type Cloud had last chapter, mind.




Not Shown: Rufus getting his arm ripped clean off and/or losing his grip and plummeting off the top of the Shinra HQ.




Surrounded so much, in fact, that the enemy doesn't even feel they have to show up at all anymore. Those fiends!




A reputation of being incredibly violent, hating everything attached to Shinra and shooting wildly at the drop of a hat?

Dude, this is like your perfect Big Damn Heroes moment. Don't be a wimp!




Chesty LaRue! How did you get down here so fast?




"Off getting a mop and bucket to clean up the smeared remains of Rufus after he was blown away from the helicopter. Now move it!"




ELSEWHERE: A completely ridiculous and awesome thing is happening!

I love how Cloud quickly looks at the camera while going down the stairs. The guy knows he's just showing off!




Anywho, this begins a mini-game where you have to swat the Shinra motorcycle riders (How did they mobilize so rapidly?) away from Cloud and the Ute the party's clustered into. If it weren't for the very fidgety camera during the second half of this chase, it'd be pretty cool!

But, as it stands, it has to live with the shame of knowing it's just being mildly spiffy.




At the end of the highway, you run across this... whatever the hell you could possibly call it!

A... spiky-wheeled, transforming, half-man, dual axe-wielding battle tank?




MIND STATUS = BLOWN




Er... shouldn't this have been discussed before we set out to disrupt the entirety of Shinra and rescue Aerith?




"Floccinaucinihilipilification is so not worth 790 points in Scrabble, dammit!"




Did he ever say it would?




Why is everyone else leaving again, exactly?

Especially Barret. Who, I don't know, has a daughter he should be taking care of right about now!





Please don't make me take back everything nice I've said about you, Barret.

Which, admittedly, isn't much, but still!




So if something happens we'll meet up at the place we're going to meet up at anyway?

Fair enough.




Wouldn't having more people strolling across the fields to fight monsters be safer?

Especially for the poor two people who have to go on their own now.

Game, you don't need to come up with increasingly silly reasons to make me form a party of 3 people. Just do it~




And here we are. Our first steps onto the VII world map~ Yay!

See ya next time, folks








In the Shinra HQ, I believe around the main foyer area, there's a neat FMV that shows you some of Shinra's automotive products. A lot of people, myself included, didn't even know it existed for the longest time, so... here you go!