Working as Intended

As usual, many thanks for those who gave feedback on the last XII entry~!

People seemed to dig the XII entry, so I'm gonna go ahead with playing this. At least until the rabid cries of "omg vii iz so muc beter u fkn fgt" convince me otherwise. But before we begin, I should probably clear up something was wasn't made terribly clear in the first entry. I don't hate Vaan by any means, I just don't like that the game seems to focus on him before inexplicably shifting to someone else, while ol' No-Shirt here is completely pushed into the background.

Some focus would be nice, you know?

Anywho, enough of the boring blah-blahs, let's get back into it!










When we last left Mr. Japanese Estrogen Bait and his chummy sidekick Tightsuit McGee, they were off to find some jerkass kid so they could obtain a Sunstone to sneak into the Palace with.

Y'know, as you do.




We're only a party because you forced you damned way into it, missy!




Hooray!

We don't really have any new things we can do with this yet, so I'll save the description until later.




Penelo likes it when people fiddle with her 'gambits'.




"Watch out, faithful sidekick! These rabbits have a far more evil and ugly side you don't want to see!"




"Huh. Could've sworn it was going to... Oh well! Let's just leave the little thing b---"




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!




Far, far, far away from that sight, we find the stupid little brat we were apparently supposed to.




"My name's Jinn, and I hurt my shin. Yeah, it rhymes. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?"




You... do realize I'm not going to give it back if I do this, right?




All that our dashing Not!Heroes have to do is run around the Giza Plain and sap the energy from the various giant stones.

I have no idea how you can transfer somehow stored sunlight energy between rocks, but just go with it.




And along the way, there are many giant, half-man, Aztec bird-things to fight.

Because when I think of the desert, I think giant, half man, Aztec bird-things.




But before we finish the stupid Sunstone quest of stupid, it's time for something entirely pointless!

This is the short time you get Penelo in your party for a while (and the equally short time for now you can accept this quest), so it's a good idea to run all the way back to the Sandsea in Rabanastre and pick up a nice little Hunt to do! The rewards make the start of the game just a wee bit easier.

Especially since gil, as we'll soon find, is as rare as fucking Chocobo's teeth in Ivalice.




The poster of this mark is a dramatic little berk, isn't he?



For each Hunt the game throws your way, you have to first accept the Hunt on the board and then track the NPC down, who'll tell you what the haps are yo and a rough idea of where you can find the mob in question. Technically it's an extra step between just killing the stupid thing, but I like it, as it helps personalize each fight a little bit.




LETS GET THIS SHIT ROLLING




Our 'nasty beastie' of a target lies in the Westersand, just a touch south of where the cursor puts me.

The More You Know~




Why, there's our little puppy right now!




Who... isn't so little, in honesty.

The reason you'll wanna bring Penelo along for this is that the Thextera comes with two puppy sidekicks who can really put the hurt quick on Vaan if he's solo. It's certainly doable alone, but not terribly recommended.





Swish!




And we get all sorts of shiny goodies for it. The Headguard will save you having to buy one from a store. Which might not seem like a big deal, but, again, gil is about to hard to find in Ivalice as sensible clothing.




Now where were we? Oh, yes, right, the stupid plot.




This now brings our pointless fetch-quest to an end. Hooray!

Technically it's the tutorial, but we just went through one of those already to get there, so it doesn't count! Although, it wouldn't be a Square-Enix game without a two hour long tutorial designed for people who awoke out of a 76 year hibernation and have never seen a controller before. Or those wonderful flying whirly-gigs that people seem to be fond of hopping inside of!




Excellent! I... wait...




GET BACK HERE YOU CONDESCENDING LITTLE SHIT!




50 gil, huh? Well, I better not go and spend all of that in one go, let me tell you.




But, with stolen child's Sunstone safely in hand, we can finally continue on with our noble cause----




Oooooooooooh~ GIMME A RIDE!!




WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!




Kweh!!




Alright! Alright! Fine. Back to the story.




"... that part where I got devoured by a giant wolf and you left me to rot until after the battle was just faaaab~!"




"Migelo said he's going to have to choke a bitch if I'm gone for too long."




"Stop staring at my arse!"




Oh, you poor, naive, thing.




Uh... thanks game, I kinda gathered that one.



Well that is why I'm putting up with this bullshit, yes.




"Your old masturbating grounds. What? You thought nobody could see you there?"




"Not the only thing of twos she has, if you catch my drift, eh boy?"




"RATS?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATS I'LL MOIDER THEM ALL! HAJDLAGSKA:SASASASJA"




Cat in the furnace. Gotcha.




"You will need to find three Emblems across the Palace grounds, and put them into a sewerage treatment console. Then you'll need to find the square-holed crank to turn the machine until it unveils a door that can only be unlocked with the Heart Key."




If the words are, 'Where's the bathroom?', I'm going to have to punch you.




Signet, you say?

Hold on, I'll be right back.




Done and done!




In other words, FOR THE LOVE OF JIMINY MAKE SURE YOU BUY SOME POTIONS AND SHIZ BEFORE YOU LEAVE




"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to smoking this bong and staring creepily at the children in the corner ;) "




MEANWHILE: DEEP BENEATH THE PLANET'S SURFACE




"This orgy will go ahead if I says it will!"




Unfortunately, some poor lass threw her pants out the window last night in a fit of passion and has to do the Walk of Shame back home. I think we've all been there once in our lives.




Somewhere, far away from the plot, Vaan is off to get some supplies for his craaaaazy caper!




As the game will feel free to point out about a billion times in the next hour, it's generally a good idea to stock up on some potions, or grab a Cure scroll and learn it in the Sphere Licence Grid. Those sewer-feeders hurt like the dickens!




Enough preparatory banter, let's get this show on the road!




"AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA NONE SHALL ESCAPE THE CLEANSING YOU FILTHY VERMIN!!"




"A RAT ONCE BIT MY AUNT AND SHE DIED 15 YEARS LATER FROM AN AIRSHIP CRASH! VENGENCE!!"




"Ah, bats. The rats of the sky!"




"BY THE LIGHT OF THE IVALICE MOONS I SHALL PURGE YE TO THE GREAT SEWER IN THE SKY YOU KNAVES"




The exit's gotta be around here somewhere...




"Oh, god, the zombies are even uglier down here. You can even see its exposed ribcage!"
"Ugh, gross..."
"I think I'm gonna hurl..."




JESUS CHRIST!!




And I only got horribly lost about 17 times... Well, let's get this ove--




YES I'M SURE JUST LET ME CLIMB THE FRIGGIN' STAIRS




Ah! The 10:00 lapdance performers?


"Oh, sweet lemony hell, not again. What is it this time?"
"I was just wondering, and feel free to stop me if this sounds too crazy, but I was wondering if we should stop the kid right next to us that's obviously not supposed to be in this highly restricted area?"
"What kid?"
"The one right beside us!"

"Shut up! You're going to get us fired, like you did that last gig."

"'Let's go investigate the cardboard box' you said. 'It's walking about on it's own' you said. 'I think I heard someone talking over a phone lodged in their brain' you said. 'WHAT COULD GO WRONG' you said! Well I don't see Frank anymore, do you?!"

"Sonofabitch snapped his neck like a goddamn twig, he did. So shut your damn mouth and get back to staring at the wall behind me all night! God..."




And, lo, did the door to the vault open!




Or at least the door to the hallway to the vault.

Now we need to find a switch to open it. Sweet crackers, we're going to have to search the entire Palace again, aren't we?!




No, wait, here it is.




Contrary to popular belief, the door of Kingdom Hearts does not lead to light.




It does, however, lead to the crystal from the Final Fantasy IX logo. Good to see it can still find a gig.




"Oooooooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny~!"




SUDDENLY :O




Well, well, well, if it isn't the best character in the game!




And his side-kick, Furrybait McNoclothes.




Why can't anyone in the Final Fantasy universe just wear a t-shirt and shorts? Are they really that hard to shop for?




The gods don't seem to do much but sit in one place and go :| all day, it would seem.




You know how FFX was all about the backside-focusing camera angles? Well XII likes to be a bit more 'traditional' in what it eerily focuses on. Ah, the more things change...




Fearing that he might actually get involved with the plot by mistake, Vaan tries to escape the game by any means necessary.




Nevermind that Balthier and Fran logically should've kicked down the door and beat the shit out of Vaan by now, we'll let the tyke enjoy the spotlight for what little remains of his time in it.




Speaking of spotlights...




Oh. I... guess they crashed.

Sure would've been nice to have seen that, game.




Ahhh, mythology gags.




Pssst! That means stop staring at Fran's cleavage, you little creep!




Now, when you say 'special'....




That's HYURRRRRRRRRR now, Balthier. Do try to keep up with the MMO references!




This may or may not be an ICE BURN.

We'll never know because we were focusing on the wrong character/s for that bit!




No, ass pirates. What do you think she meant by 'sewers'?




"Hey! Call me a Treasure Hunter, or I'll rip your lungs out!"




I have no objections to this at all!




Quick, Vaan, shove the Magicite up your butthole. It's the only way they won't get it!




"It's up there nice and firm, it is!"




Especially not after what the lad just did with it.




Aw yeah~




Right afterwards, we're treated to a very long Tutorial on Gambits. Quistis would be proud!

Feel free to skip this bit if you don't give a toss about the game's actual gameplay.

The short of it is this, as you progress through the game you get more of these 'Gambit Slots', which allow you to dictate what you want your party member's AI to focus on in certain conditions. With the right Gambits obtained (usually bought), you can tell your teammates, or even the person you're controlling, to cast Cure when someone goes below 70% HP, or to attack the target the party leader is focusing on. Or cast a certain spell against certain enemies. Or cure any status effects. Or attack any target freely that's underneath a certain number of HP.

In essence, you can tell your party members to do anything you'd like them to. The higher the Gambit is on the list (you can freely change their positions in the menu) the higher priority it takes. So putting a Cure Gambit above Attack, for example, will mean that they'll stop fighting and heal whenever. If Attack's above Cure, however, they'll wait until the battle is over before doing so.

So, yeah, it's an extremely customizable system! Lotsa fun too, as long as you're not the type of person who goes out of the way to make the characters to everything for them, then gets snottily upset when the game actually does what they specifically asked it to do.

Moving on...




Just a little bit down the road, there's an optional cutscene by these dead soldiers, which Balthier will now go on about for our benefit!





Basically, it's an explanation for the big fight in the FMV we had no real previous warning about.

Awfully nice of the game to tell us after we could've possibly cared about the circumstances!




Clever girl...





Oh, Balthier...




If you have any brains whatsoever, Spike Balthier will be your playable character for this section!




The benefit of a real-time combat system is that, for the first time in an offline Final Fantasy title, the people with ranged weapons can actually keep their distance from the enemy and have a justification for not wielding a giant willy-extension sword!

I bet someone at Square-Enix was fired for that blunder.




Further along the sewers, Ratsbane spots a group of people having quite the kerfuffle!




"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"




Though I imagine the taunt would've been more effective if she wasn't cornered on the edge of a sheer drop...




Vaan gets the best seat in the house!




"Holy gods, do they make insurgence members out of lead these days?!"





Nice to see an RPG cast that isn't just, "You're joining us now? INSTANT BEST FRIENDS!"




Balthier welcomes our new guest by promptly shooting her in the face.




npz brah




"Stephanie McGiggletooshie. Have you seen my pants? I've been looking for them everywhere!"




As long as you haven't seen any promotional material for this game, read the manual, or been anywhere on the Internet since 2007 you'll totally buy that this is her name.




But no time for that now, the MacGuffin is a-glowing! The plot must be nearby. We need to make haste!




Quite! Also, why's it so important?




"Don't force me to have it make friends with Mr. Colon again!"




Correct, as Balthier'll be the one to JUDGE that!

Eh? Get it? Huh?

Because the game will... focus... on... and...

Oh, forget it.




Wait, wait, wait... we actually have foes in an RPG that care when a platoon of their soldiers goes missing?!

I think I need to sit down. The room is spinning...




I don't think she's terribly impressed after you took a peak up her belt dress...





IT MEANS STOP BEING A PERVERT




Hooray!




Another boring spiel about XII's gameplay for those who haven't played and are just dying to know. I get asked to do these, so someone must care!

Guests are temporary characters that join as a 4th slot in the party set-up. They have their own Gambits you can't mess around with, and they basically move to the beat of their own drum. That said, they're nice to have as they offer additional manpower in fights, and most Guests have the decency to carry a bottomless pit full of Potions.




Hmmm, a large, open area that only has one exit and entrance...

Do I detect a hint of an incoming extremely obvious boss battle?




"Bolly! I dare say these unkempt youths are without proper formal apparel!"

"Mmm, yes. Quite!"




"We must deal with these trespassing, fat-kidney strumpets post-haste!"




"I haven't had a good bout of fisticuffs since long before the dread of war! Oh, to relive the golden days..."




"Right-o then, gents. Mayhem and discord, standard procedure."

"May there be a chance I could put my port down first? Cima Corgo, 1872. Good year, if I dare say so myself."

"Tally-ho!"




"I must say, these miscreants are quite the rough customers, eh pipper?"

"Oh, William, old spice, how say are you holding up?"

"Oh, this takes me back to the royal scuffles of '49. If memory serves as it did upon time, Lord Howlbottom struck that son of his over the head with a German Shepard. Quite the lark it was, if I do recall correctly. "

"Yes, that's the spirit! Keep up the good fight, and all that."






Strike a pose~!




"I see a little silhouetto of a man..."




I assure you, there's zero chance of there being anything nasty behind this giant, ominous gate.




Except a lot of mist. So it's probably going to be a water demon or something, seeing as how anything original would tax the poor game developer's noggin'. Or, if they're feeling especially daring, it'll be a mist monster, or---




Or a giant, fire-spewing, magma-horse.

That's... that's also good!




After roughly three hours, welcome to the first actual boss of Final Fantasy XII

Firemane, outstanding originality in title not withstanding, actually packs a pretty significant punch if you're not careful. While Amalia has a fist-deep supply of Potions, our giant horsey-friend here will often out-damage the healing properties of 'em. So this mean Cures and lots of!

If you run out of MP (which usually happens), you can swap to Fran, who has Cure learnt, and just have her run around the outside of the battlefield, taking the occasional potshot, since MP in this game slooooowly recovers as you walk about. Something I wish a certain other game in this series would get working on!




But all's well at ends well, right?




Aw, but my footsies hurt!




... Though not as much as several crossbow bolts through the skull would, so I'll just shut up now.




LE GASP! It's the villain who's currently only a villain because... it was vaguely mentioned by some people two hours ago?




"You can have your big melodramatic Empire hate-speech when we're not having crossbows aimed at us, mmm'kay?"




LATER: FIFTEEN FEET AWAY




Or even better then what your current outfit would suggest. I mean, dear heavens, what were you thinking?!




Except murder those Arcadian soldiers in the sewers when they found you?

Oh, and stealing the priceless MacGuffin. Can't forget that!




Vaan goes to say something inevitably pointless...




And is pre-emptively shot down. You know, alarming outfit aside, I kinda like the silly woman.




Speaking of silly women!




"I promise I'll bring these handcuffs along though ;) "




POW!

Man, Vaan's just getting emasculated left, right and centre today, isn't he?




"W... What is it?"

"Just, uh, something that needs holding, dear."

"It kind of looks like cocai--"

"Shut. Up."




Just around the corner, some bipedal, dreadlocked-eared Velociraptor-men are watching...




"I'm so mad, that I'm.... I'm.... I'm going to piece my face again!"




Rather abruptly, we cut to a shot inside the Old Mansion from Kingdom Hearts II.





Oh, it's Reks. I guess someone did cast that Cure spell afterall!




He tricked Reks into getting stabbed by his dagger?

Well, I guess that's technically accurate...




So.... is this a flashback? Or a dream? Or a dream about a flashback? Or a flashback about a dream? Or... Oh, jeez, I have to stop before this shit seriously starts getting into Hideo Kojima territory.




OMGSYMBOLIC




LATER: Back in smelly old Fantasy!Reality.

Wait...




"Mmmmm... Mmmmm... Oh, Amalia, your clothes are so improbable! Take me shopping... Mmmm.... Silk..."

Where the hell are we, anyway?




I guess that was kind of a stupid question...




As long as we get brutally tortured and killed, who cares, right?




Oh, pardon me, didn't realize we had a guest!




Hah.




Balthier is a certified Dungeon Connoisseur, dontcha know?




Well, frig, and here I figured it was the local Nalbina Hooters.