Working as Intended

Here's the game I'm sure nobody thought I'd be doing! That is, assuming you're either death, blind, or weren't around when I explicitly mentioned, "Hey, I'm gonna go through FFIX now!" Yes, yes, I know, I am truly the master of keeping secrets and creating suspense! By which I mean, not at all.

Unlike Final Fantasy VIII, I hold most aspects of IX in pretty high regard. But also, like VIII, I haven't played this title in quite some time, so it'll be interesting to see if my opinion of it, or certain aspects of it, have changed as the years have gone by.

Like the last Let's Play, I'll take a break from stupid comments every now and again to sum up bits and pieces of the game I like/dislike, as well as blab on at the start of each disc about my thoughts on everything I've just gone through.

I think that's everything I wanted to say, so let's dive in, shall we?











First we come to Final Fantasy IX's intro, which is... pretty much the exact opposite of VIII's opening sequence. And, to be quite honest, it's rather pointless. With the exception of the first little 'dream sequence' there, which becomes Very Important later on, and the establishing shot of the city, there's almost no reason for this FMV to be here.

But, to its credit, at least it doesn't get you all pumped up and then throw you into a boring opening scenario, like VIII.




"Like MY SOUL ;____;"




Whatever gave you that crazy idea?




OH GOD FINGER GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH




Don't tell me what to do!

What if I like sulking about in the dark, huh? HUH?!




Oh, fine, let's light the stupid candle for the stupid room.




For the parallels that'll become incredibly obvious as the game goes on.




Or Zidane. Both are good.




Hey, Blank! You sure are shut your goddamn mouth!




"Food orgy out back. You know how he is..."




SUDDENLY!




Welcome to IX's battle system~

It's like every other FF battle system thus far, but now you have the ability to use Steal right from the start. And, trust me, if you're going through IX, you're going to be using that Steal command all the fucking time.




I don't know, I'm still not convinced that's him...

I say we slice his head in half again and see what else pops out! Like a Russian matryoshka doll!




Wait, why is my team tired out? I kicked his arse while still at full health!

Oh, Gameplay/Story segregation, how you mystify me~




... Ew?




Wait.. so does Baku make it a constant point to dress up like a dragon, leap in-front of his crew and beat the shit out of them every time they have a meeting? That seems like a bizarre ritual...




No, that's a table.




I like how he has to remind his crew what the name of the group is.

Though, given the average intelligence of this group, it's probably a much-needed requirement.




Note: Princess not to scale.




That's not very nice! You shouldn't refer to those guys as--







Well, I can't say I was particularly worrying myself into an early grave over you, Blank, but thanks.




Zidane has trouble following this intricate plan.




Oh, that's not very fair! She can't be that ugly.

...

Why is everyone looking at me like that?




Fun Fact: Garnet is 15-16 years old.

Fun, Fun Fact: Baku is fucking creepy.




But enough of him! We're introduced to Vivi~

Awwwwwwwwwwww~!




Uhhhh, flying the ship a little low there, guys?




Just in case you thought I was going through Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball or something...




"Did anyone get the license plate of the FMV that just steamrolled me?"




"Thank you, small child. When I bring the world to ruin, you shall be spared!"




... Why is there a rat-thing chasing after me?




Leave me alone!!




WHAT THE?! YOU RAN INTO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT




Yeah, you better run!




I'm guessing animal/human hybrid thingys are commonplace in WhateverTheHellWorldThisIs, because the nobles are diligently listening to this chap, instead of screaming, "HOLY CRAP DID YOU SEE THAT GUY WITH THE FRIGGIN' BIRD HEAD WHAT THE FUCK?!"




I think they're rather dashing, myself.

Daresay, even corking!




Trust me, dude, y.. you don't want to know.




Ah, I see we've dropped the brackets since last game. Good to see some streamlining going on!




"I hid them so well, in fact, that I'm just going to parade around and tell everyone. Everything's coming up Hippo-Boy!"




Oh God.

This is the first of IX's many little mini-games, and no matter how many goddamn times I try, I just cannot hit the X Button fast enough to get over 50 jumps. For the record, you're meant to get 1,000. Fuck. That. Shit.




I did manage to get a spiffy Cactuar card out of it, though!




This is Tetra Master.

Otherwise known as the Bane of My Existence. Apparently SE thought that Triple Triad was too simple and actually fun, so they decided to make it needlessly complex and obnoxious by adding more space on the grid, only letting you carry 100 cards at any given time, and making it so it's no longer the highest number on a certain direction of the card that wins, it's the stupid hexadecimal writing on it.

So instead of, say, 6 > 5, or A > 9, which is about as complicated as it really got, you've instead got this.

Hex | Stat  | Min | Max
-------------------------
0F  |   0   | 000 | 015
2F  |   2   | 032 | 047
1F  |   1   | 016 | 031
3F  |   3   | 048 | 063
6F  |   6   | 096 | 111
4F  |   4   | 064 | 079
5F  |   5   | 080 | 095
7F  |   7   | 112 | 127
BF  |   B   | 176 | 191
8F  |   8   | 128 | 143
9F  |   9   | 144 | 159
AF  |   A   | 160 | 175
CF  |   C   | 192 | 207
DF  |   D   | 208 | 223
EF  |   E   | 224 | 239
FF  |   F   | 240 | 255

Yeah, have fun trying to follow that. I'll be over here ignoring it entirely. You can't even refine good items from it, like Triple Triad. It's boring and shitty!

Anyway, let's move on.




"Oh, um... just ignore the blood stains, okay? It's been a strange morning. You know how it is."




DISBELIEF!




Wow, thanks. Tetra Master cards. Because, you know, I'll be using those all the time.




So Alleyway Jack is a location now?

I'm having a hard time keeping up with how coloured text works in this series!




I DID NO SUCH THING YOU'RE JUST A SHITTY SIGNMAKER!




That's right. Run! Just like everyone else!




Oh God, it's Rat-Boy. What the hell does he wa--




. . . .

What.




So let me get this straight. Someone just walked up to a small child in a dark alleyway, a child who has a very dark complexion, mind, and asked if they wanted to be a slav....

Yeah, I'm not touching this shit with a 20 foot pole. Let's quickly move on!




Which basically equates to...




Grab the friggin' ladder and run like hell.




Oh, hello there! Are you Alleyway Jack be any cha--




Ow! Hey!

Wait... where'd my money go?!




GET BACK HERE ALLEYWAY DICKWAFFLE!




I WILL DESTROY YOU




GET OUT OF MY WAY SMALL CHILD OR YOU WILL BE OBLITERATED!!




Oh, goddamn it, where the hell did he go? Oh well...

I'll get you one day, Alleyway Jack. One day.




To make himself feel better, Vivi steals a child's allowance.




"Mwahahahahahahaha!"




Right. Now where were we?




Okey-dokey, chief!




Fuck you, buddy!




Wait, so the Moogle is called Kupo?

So, is every moogle talking about this guy at the end of a sentence, or does he just have an unfortunate name and has to go through life never knowing if his colleagues are referring to him or not? Alas, poor Kupo, your existence is a tortured one indeed!




Still fucking wrong.




This is Stiltzkin. Otherwise known as My Lifesaver In Many Dungeons to Come.




"Oh, I just got done flaying a Torama alive because he didn't pay the protection money. Incidentally, how are your knee-caps, kupo?"




Cool beans.




STOP CALLING ME THAT




Why don't I trust you?




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH




YOU DON'T SAY





So I'm guessing he didn't give him a slave na--

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME?!




Because it's true.

Awwwwwwwwwwww~




"Yeah, it's just like your face in that regard. Uncanny, really!"




Um... SUDDENLY! AT NIGHT!




"Hey, Puck, this isn't the show I wanted to go see. Why's that woman taking off her---WHOA!"




Judging by the regal-looking fan, I'm guessing this must be Queen Brahne.

Well, let's see if Baku was ri---




HOLY SWEET SHITTING MOSES ON A FUCKING DONKEY! MAN THE HARPOONS!

Okay. Okay.

... I think I'm blind.




Despite all the merriment going on, Garnet is quite sad. This is Very Important™.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with the diseased Baluga Whale that somehow flopped itself onto the chair next to her.




"Heheh. I just farted in my armour and everyone's none the wiser!"




In a galaxy, far, far away?




This is the worst rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture Show I've ever seen!




QUICKLY, CUNNING SWORDSMAN, TO YONDER RAMPARTS




And thus begins a fight in the play where you apparently slice everyone with razor-sharp swords.

These were troubling times, indeed!




I'M TELLING THE QUEEN!


Then, suddenly, a button-pressing event begins! You basically have to hit the right buttons very quickly to get some spiffy rewards from Queen Brahne later on. This is actually much harder then it sounds, because you have to hit the button the very instant the prompt comes up, in order to impress everyone.


I will find him.




And I will make him pay.




... Do I really want to know what's happening here?




Oh, is that all? Phew!




Uhhhh, this is for the kidnapping, right?




Again, just in case you thought you stumbled into Midgar.




"I have no fucking idea where we are!"




I would like this done with before the game ended, yes.




OMG WHITE MAGE REFERENCE

Whoever could it be?!




So she fits in with this series perfectly then.




I smell perversive hijinks~!




GODDAMN IT BLANK YOU COCKBLOCKER YOU'RE ALMOST AS BAD A FUCKING KIROS




Apparently nobody stops to think that grabbing the Princess during the kidnapping mission would be a good idea.

And this is why they're the greatest band of thieves ever!




.... Then we're introduced to Zorn and Thorn.

And yes, they'll do this not-quite-copy-cat routine throughout the entire game.




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GET IT ITS FUNNY BECAUSE THEY TALK DIFFERENTLY AHAHAHAHAHA

God.




Translation: GO BACK TO RUSSIA



"Why can't she one-up me in bed :("




If it doesn't involve killing them where they stand I'm going to be very disappointed.


Two problems, actually. And they're standing right in front of you.




It surely can't be as ugly as Queen Brahne's...




CURSE THOSE DASTARDLY FIENDS!




I certainly hope she's wearing a leotard or something here, otherwise this is kinda creepy.




Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!




Second greatest Steiner expression, ever.




"Neeeeeoooowwwwwwm~ I'm an airplane!"




Greatest. Steiner Expression. Ever.




WHOOPSIE-DAISY




It's Ruby! From... Fantasy!Texas, I guess?




Aw, damn it, did I miss a cat-fight or something?




GET OUT OF THE WAY RUBY GODDAMN IT




She stopped running. She could just be tired, for all you know!

Why don't you ever consider anyone else's feelings?!




"... BATMAN!"




Eh, I liked my answer better.




HA-HA! WACKINESS



This is the weirdest business arrangement I've ever seen.




Poor Cinna. He's like the Zell of Tantalus.




Shame then that you can't wash off the UGLY


Crickey, it's the rozzers! Cheese it!




SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!




Wow, that's almost a 5th as fast as Rinoa fell for Squall.

Well, at least the romance here doesn't screw up the rest of the game, so I should be thankful.




"I'd like to idle your banter!"




HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE SO FAST?!




Boss battle time~! Sort of.

Steiner has a few decent items worth Stealing, like a Silk Shirt. Aside from that, well, he's the first proper-ish boss in the game, so he's not exactly difficult. He did OHKO Cinna, though, but that's hardly a shock.

But then! Out of nowhere...




OGLOPS! THOUSANDS OF THEM!




Let's make like a bowel, and move!




Uh-oh!




I just love Steiner's, "Guhhhhhhhhhh?!" expression throughout this sequence.

And, please, the play was just interrupted by three random assholes and a well-known Alexandrian knight. Only an idiot wouldn't realize that something suspicious is happening.




I rest my case.




Awww, well if Vivi is also wrapped up in it, maybe it actually wasn't too ba-




FURY!!!




Yeah, I don't think that's gonna stop him, sweetie.




OHHHHHH SICK BURN

Oh, wait, no.




And we're brought to another Boss Battle~!

Nothing to really note on this one, except that you can't use Steal, for whatever reason.




Separated at birth?




GUN IT, GRANDMA!




No, no, Queen Brahne isn't meant to man the harpoons! This isn't working at all!




"Look! Yet another bloody incoming boss battle!"

Also, what the fuck is up with Steiner's expression here?




HAY GUYZ WHATZ GOING ON IN DIS GAEM




This is how many times we've had to fight Steiner now? Dude's got some stamina!

Shame about the whole 'deaf, blind and completely stupid' thing he has going on apparently.




IT'S A TRAP




HABBGLAUBBLEBAAHBBBABABLLALGGHHGAAABHGBAHAHALGBBABBABABLBLBLABAGH!!!




"That's right. I just destroyed a section of the town and injured/killed my own daughter and hundreds of civilians. I am the bestest Queen EVAR!"




"ahahahahahahaha we still live queen brahne mo' liek queen bacon am i right guyz??"


Well, despite the big kaboom, it seems everyone got away happily eve--




o shi...




Huh.

Well that was a short game.