Final Fantasy X-2 - Part Eight
Posted on 4/01/2011 by Trambapoline
Mercifully, for my sanity's sake, we're at the second and final part of Chapter 2's fillerama. As I mentioned a while back, I do actually enjoy FFX-2, quite a bit at times. I just really don't care for the mini-games and tasks the game loves to throw at you for both the optional and 100% completion points stuff. Got a boss for me to fight? Brillo, I'll get right on it! Want me to clear out a dungeon? Not a problem.
It's just when it gets to things like the Gunner's Gauntlet or a certain mini-game at the start of Chapter 3 that I start to wonder if the game designers put these in because they thought they were fun, or because they wanted to inflict as much pain as they could trying to make people reach 100%. Well, there's only one way to find out, I suppose.
Back in we go!
When we last left Buttchecks McGee and her merry group of wackos, she had helped some poor, disturbingly stripperiffic 13-year old wrangle and capture a Chocobo against its will. Alongside other feats that would bring even the most steel-willed bard to tears at the mere mention, such as promoting a concert they have absolutely no information about and selling Guado cocaine to the citizens of Spira.
Truly Yuna is a shining example to young'uns everywhere!
Actually, speaking of that cocaine, it's time to finally make use of a wicked greens we made from the sale, dawg.
Since this is Final Fantasy X-2 and not, say, any game that has a smidgen of respect for the player, you can't just hand over the 100,000 gil to Ho'aka. No, see, that would be convenient, and I'm sure someone would've been thrown off the 30th floor at Square-Enix's HQ for even thinking about putting something like that in.
So, instead, you have to buy items from Ho'aka, and then spin around and immediately sell them to Barkeep behind you. I say you have to do it because Ho'aka generally doesn't carry enough different types of items for you to spend all 100,000 gil on in one go. Hooray.
You're goddamn right it isn't, fat man.
Oh, good golly gosh, discounts, you say? Boy howdy, that sure would be corking if I didn't already own 99 of every single shit-fucking item you have, alongside my soon obtaining a dress-sphere that makes items for free, wouldn't it, Ho'aka?
I think I'll be kicking you square in the dick for a bit.
At a tremendous discount, of course!
Getting away from Corporal Wormfucker over there for now, the Thunder Plains has some completion points to offer us.
Oh, baby.
Why, it's everyone's favorite Cowboy-Accentin'-Let's-Throw-Tidus-Clear-Across-The-Room Uncle, folks!
Well, at least he's honest about it.
I get completion points either way, so why the fuck not.
Probably upset that the Al Bhed fixed the towers, so now we can't watch you get struck by lightning like we did Tidus.
Well, I know that's why I'm sulking.
All Yuna said was, "It's just not right..." in that typical passive-aggressive tone of hers.
God, I hate to see how he'd react if someone with any level of actual assertiveness told him what for.
GODDAMN IT, GET HIT ALREADY, YOU AUNT SALLY
o snap?
Somewhat later, in MACARENA FOREST, we encounter another hi-larious Jar-Jar. Their accent is totally funny.
Not at all obnoxious and grating after speaking to fifty of the wankers so far.
It involves Yuna getting down on her knees and... well...
It's nothing she hasn't done before, let's just leave it at that.
Not even Tobli's assistants know what exactly the orgy will contain. He's keeping it pretty close to his chest.
Somewhere where it totally isn't my problem. Best of luck with that, Jar-Wank, I'll just be heading off now and...
AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
One very short run later, we find the musical instrument animal bird thing that... I guess leapt off the Celsius to come back home? I don't recall why they ever leapt on-board in the first place, but there I go again, expecting consistency from this game. I should really know better.
I can just image Paine giving the largest death-glare at Yuna while this line's being uttered. Hee.
"I must make sure I reach the required levels of tokin' out before I do this shiz."
Just like Yuna's...
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! *puff*
Well, uh... I guess I have to go find them then?
Awfully nice of the game to not even bother explaining that.
If you can send your minds all the way back to Chapter 1 in Macalania, the other two animal-instrument freaks are standing pretty much in exactly the same spots. Making this entire run-around not only extremely pointless, but insulting to the player's intelligence too boot.
This will become a concerning trend in the near future.
Nobody can turn down an orgy that has its own dedicated band. Killer!
EXCEPT IF THAT HAPPENS
wut
So, you guys are dying out because the fayth and the forest are vanishing? That.. sounds like a pretty serious deal. Is there anything we can do to help? Maybe you just need someone to confide in and let all your emotions ou---
Sweet, mission's over! See you shitlords later!
O WAIT LOL
It's just a stupid sphere, Unexplained Text God, what's the worst that could happen?
JESUS CHRIST IT'S THE ROZZERS
CHEESE IT!!
I'm not doing time for any of Yuna's sick cocaine deals.
Also, you're asking if I want to get rid of Clasko? Dude, we installed the trap door underneath his bed for that very purpose!
In a pit full of Coeurls, Malboro and Basilisks? Sounds dandy to me!
You can repay that debt by running.
Like, right now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!
May as well dance on top of his corpse. It's what Clasko would've wanted, of course.
GODDAMN HOW DO YOU FAIL AT GETTING DEVOURED ALIVE BY A GIANT WYRM?!
Yeaaaaah, you're gonna hear some crazy stories about how I supposedly captured 10 of every fiend in the entire world two years ago so this crazy old hobo could breed them together to create an unstoppable killing machine for my giggles. Those people were all subsequently killed for their heinous lies, obviously.
I get the feeling Yuna is practically wetting herself at the idea of helping yet another of Spira's poor, wittle souls.
And there we go.
And so begins another
Also, the Coeurls have a Death Blaster ability that they use every second turn to insta-kill you. SO MUCH FUN
Oh, look, Clasko's lying on his arse instead of actually contributing to his own supposed dream. I am shocked.
Or he's cowering from our next 'boss'. Whatever makes him out to be the biggest pansy.
O GEE WIZ THREE WATER-BASED FIENDS
I DO EVER WONDER WHICH OF 'THE SPELLS' I SHOULD CAST
Does your dream happen to involve shutting the hell up and getting away from me?
Yes, nothing could ever bother you in a fiend-infested pit. That's a big negatory on that one, commander brainiac!
Huh. I thought you'd be used to seeing people walk away from you mid-sentence by now.
YOU NEED CHOCOBOS FOR A CHOCOBO FARM?
Well, shit, this is news to me!
"No, his work, Yuna. I swear to god if you even so much as utter the word 'help out' I will shoot you where you stand."
So, yeah, now that I have 99 of every conceivable item I'd need for the rest of the game, and generally don't use them anyway, I am now given access to the job that can create potions and other items. Ha-fuckity-hah, game.
Funny. I don't think the mortal tongue has developed a word for how much I'm not going to do that.
Anycrap, we're not done with the Calm Lands yet, so back to more running~!
Are you sure? You're not going to pull any "OMG YUNA DOES YOU REMEMBERED ME?? :D " bullcrap?
I like you already!
"He didn't mention the time with the Jack Daniels and Hypello, did he? HOW MUCH HAS HE TOLD YOU?!"
Well, let's see. They're kids, and we're currently not on Gagazet.
Ya think?
Oh, Kimahri's lots of things. Who cares?
I'unno. Might as well, since they're clearly in your area of vision and al--
SCORE ONE FOR THE DURPWINGS
What else is there to do now?
Oh, right!
If you want 100%, as far as I can tell you need to catch at least one Chocobo before the chapter's out. Since I wanted to level Alchemist!Rikku anyway, I went looking for some. Basically, you just stumble across them randomly in battle, and you have to feed them a Gysahl Green and they'll instantly join you.
Gee, sure would've been handy LAST ENTRY WOULDN'T IT?? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Oh, whatever. Moving on.
Yeah, how dare those smelly average peasants try and visit the ruins of the ancient machina metropolis.
Won't somebody please think of the glorious High Summoner master race?!
Oh, just go up to them and whinge, "It's just not right..." That seems to do the trick.
Well, hello there yourself ;)
... What?!
Oh dear, we seem to have come during Isaaru's existential phase. We'll just skedaddle and come back later, 'kay?
"Rabbits of the land, they are!"
You closed down so much that the tourists a few screens back haven't budged an inch between chapters?
Well, to be honest, the former is practically one of the latter anyway.
"up yours you cant tell me what to do"
Yeah, it's not like they could call an exterminator or anything.
Or anyone with the capabilities of casting Fire.
I like how despite all the whinging about Zanarkand becoming a tourist attraction, apparently it's an A-OK spot for Yuna to play match-making with frickin' monkeys. I'm sure if the Zanarkand fayth were still chillin' out on the Wall o' Corpses they'd be so damn proud at what their wondrous city has become.
Anyway, for this task you just have to pick up a monkey and find the one of the opposite gender with a similar-ish name. It's pretty cute and reminds me of an amusing mission in FFXI with generally the same premise. Except it dealt with derpy green penguins, and was therefor superior.
Also it wasn't X-2.
SEE IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A REFERENCE TO TEEEEEDUS AND YUNA
EXCEPT IT DOESN'T WORK IN ENGLISH
SO WACKY
And for our troubles we get... a surprisingly serious message regarding monkeys rooting each other.
And did you really have to use the phrase 'monkey love'? Could've done without that...
You were just waiting all goddamn day to pull that line off, weren't you, game?
STOP SAYING THOSE WORDS
And that's the filler done! Well, that part of the filler done anyway. We get to move onto the next thing.
If you'll recall (or not, what does it matter), Leblanc and her goons somehow managed to spontaneously will themselves onto the flying Celsius airship and steal an entirely pointless half-sphere, so now we have to track down some of their members and get uniforms somehow.
This will be super fun, and not at all the basis for many years of therapy to come.
STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM
Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me, yesssss....
I don't know, it generally helps to actually refer to what you drop, as to avoid confusion.
I mean it's not like you're in a video game and need to speak in a certain way to keep some level of 'suspense' or anything.
... Is there anything in this game that doesn't almost immediately refer to lesbian and/or bondage overtones?
"YELLING THIS ALOUD WON'T POSSIBLY RAISE SUSPICION"
...
See above point.
I'm sorry... 'may as well nab their clothes'?
Oh, boy. I can just imagine the fanboys cheering uproariously and playing this section furiously with one hand.
The 'thing' the two henchmen were referring to is this little ol' sphere that's in very plain sight about a dozen steps up the road. Apparently either the Leblanc syndicate has a No Discrimination policy on hiring people with single digit I.Qs, or I'm just that fucking amazing.
Yeah, I think it was the first one.
Was it my laughter that gave it away? It tends to do that from time to time. I apologize.
O_O
So Ormi is clearly the Loz of the group. Would that make Leblanc Kadaj?
That'd certainly explain a few things...
"I might have now soiled my pants... just a little bit. Or a lot."
And suddenly, out of nowhere, a random female goon joins the fray!
That was awfully convenient and swell of her.
Thankfully we're spared the scene of the Gullwings ripping the uniform off the poor, startled woman. I'm sure she was only trying to do what her job detailed. It's not like the economy in Spira is exactly booming, y'know? I feel sorry for her...
Anyway, I'm sure there's some super-kinky fanfic out there about this scene, so it all evens out.
Just don't tell me about it. Ever.
That's significantly less hawt, Paine.
Good thing the game warned me here about not digging up treasure, otherwise I'd look awfully silly when I didn't get 100% completion.
OH WAIT NO IT DOESN'T
Um... okay?
Well that unnecessarily blunt, game.
On the plus side, oooooh, shiny!
Sweet!
I'm never going to use it, but I'm not one to pass up on free
What the? How the flying buggery did you guys get here so fast?!
You don't even have an airship.
..... WHAT?
Yeah... that's about my reaction too, Rikku.
OVER THE TOP ANIME CAMERA ANGLES!!
We're ending the game already? Oh, thank god. For a moment there I thought I was going to have to con---
--tinue.
Huh. Well that was easy.
I would have loved to've witnessed the cutscene where they managed to convince Paine to wear the Leblanc uniform, if only because of the amount of kicking, swearing and swords to the torso that something like that would require.
Sadly, Paine, we're not going to Guadosalami just yet, so you're going to have to take it off.
...
NOT LIKE THAT
Last up on our Spiran Tour Before the Gorram Plot Decides to Kick Back in Finally? Why, Gagazet, of course!
And it seems while we were away, Kimahri decided to host the annual Pity Parade. Outstanding.
Hey, just like your trip on the Sphere Grid.
psssst that means i never used you sorry
This is real farkin' rich coming from the woman who practically barges into conversations just so she can help someone.
And speaking of nonsensical helping~!
Oh, don't you worry, Kimahri. The Dullwings will be plenty capable of doing that on their own in a bit.
But while we're here, we may as well do the second rounds of Yuna Talks Shit Behind the Guados Back.
This all becomes semi-to-not-especially important later on.
With the rounds done, it's off to the Fayth Scar, which, and you might want to sit down for this, is actually a brand new area.
I know!
Enjoy it for all five seconds we're here, kids.
When you reach this section, you can either just run through the cave on the first cliff-edge area, or you can continue leaping up the rocks for an extended cutscene and s'more completion points.
Also, to completely remove any possible shred of doubt that this game wasn't complete and total fanservice. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
If you look reeeeeeeeeeeeeally closely in the background, you can see some Leblanc goons.
Also any sense of self-respect and restraint this may've game had ready to do a nosedive.
I'm sure the fayth are just kicking themselves that they didn't set their corpses just a smidge up the cliff-face now.
"You know it's company policy to not slack off unless a supervisor is around with a camera!"
Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?
And then the Gullwings little cliff-thingy here falls into the water and scares Ormi and the two wenches away.
OH, YOU CRAZY KIDS
"Why, it's some sort of... liquid-based substance that could be used to remove dirt and grime on a regular basis!"
Oh, please don't let this end the way I think it will....
Um, the two henchmen were wearing their uniforms already. So... what the hell happened to the poor owner of this one?
Did she get bored and decide to go for a nude walk around the frozen mountain tops? OR PERHAPS SOMETHING MORE SINISTER IS AFOOT. YOU BE THE JUDGE.
But, no, seriously, what's the deal?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO.
And Rikku brings up a completely legitimate point.
Besides, I think I've put up with a lot from this game already. I don't need some overly-fanservicey, lowest common denominator, embarrassingly awkward and entirely pointless scene of you three parading around in a hot spring in your---
OH GOD DAMN IT!!
Well, fair enough, I guess. I mean it could be a cutesy scene, and totally not fanservice bait. I'm sure everything will be fine.
It's okay. That can be taken innocently enough. I mean it is her cousin, so nothing bad will happen.
I'm sure Rikku's just found a... slice of pepperoni on Yuna's arm is all. Yes. That is clearly the logical thing to happen!
Or, alternatively, it could be... um...
Help?
Yes, I was about to say that very thing.
Wait, isn't Rikku still technically underaged still anywa....
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
No, I really, really don't.
Also... WHY ARE THERE HYPELLO DANCING IN THE BACKGROUND?!???
Why did you black the screen out on this, game director?
Oh, god! Go back to the black. Go back to the black!
YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HELPING YUNA
I... I...
I'm just going to huddle in the corner and weep uncontrollably now. Don't mind me.
Oh, yes, game, this is exactly what I needed right now.
Why don't you just have Ho'aka, Calli, the Hypello and Clasko strip naked and join them while you're in the middle of making me regret everything I've have ever done in my life that has led to this moment.
Yuna? You really ought to know better by now.
I so don't want to know what the pink refers to in this statement.
Well... at least one good thing happened today.
Well I certainly fucking didn't, missy!
Right, well...
Moving... on... I suppose.
"Gave me a big surprise in a certain other place, if you catch my drift ;) "
And once more, we have to fight Ormi in boss battle, and..... I can't do this.
How the arse do you even comment on anything after that scene? Fuck it. I'm done. I got nothin'.
I could've done with this scene about five minutes and several drinks ago, game!
You've somehow managed to look even more ridiculous?
Go figure.
Also known as the place that's as far away from Gagazet as humanly possible.
AND OFF WE GO~!
Well, it's certainly been... an experience with this section of the game. Stay tuned next time for the wonderful return of the plot, stealth sections and a mini-game so mind shatteringly awkward that it makes the hot spring scene seem perfectly acceptable in comparison.
...
Why is this my life?
