Working as Intended

Another day, another entry~

For some really weird reason my ePSXE emulator outright hates Metal Gear Solid, and it takes a lot of bribes, convincing and swearing to get it running in any particularly workable fashion. Which of course doesn't bode well when I have to offer my MGS2 and 3 discs to the giant PCSX2 emulator demon in a few weeks. Though I've been told they run pretty well with a decently powerful computer, so I should be safe!

In any case, that's in the future, and we've got this little gem of confusion and insanity to work our way through first~








When we last left Snake, he had just landed on Shadow Moses Island; the land where everyone only loves! From there he crawled through ventilation systems and was instructed on many vital, yet alien concepts, like how to operate an elevator and climb a ladder.

Oh, and the DARPA Chief died of a mysterious heart-attack. I guess that's worth noting too.




Unfortunately, it seems the Shadow Moses facility was previously owned by a James Bond villain, because there are mysterious and completely illogical trap-doors all over the place. Oddly enough, the hatches close up shortly after triggered, as if to go, "*sigh* You'll get him next time, kid. Keep reaching for that rainbow!"




If you'll remember back one whole entry, the DARPA Chief mentioned that Baker was being held behind recently cemented-over walls, so Snake has all the fun of setting up and detonating C4~!

I'd ask how this doesn't alert the entire facility, but apparently they can't even notice a giant, blaring elevator activating, so what do I know?




In any case, the entrance you want is in the bottom left corner.

... Because I guess the soldiers decided to cement up the other walls for shits and giggles?




Disturbingly enough, waiting for Snake on the other side is a bondage session gone horribly wrong.

Looks like someone forgot the safeword.




... How many people randomly tied up behind cemented walls do you think there are in this facility?




Yes, because the last time you said this to someone went so gosh-darn well.




"I need an adult. I NEED AN ADULT!"




Well, fu--




WHOA SHIT




"Why don't you ever return his calls? He's been so lonely since you..."
"Look, it was a one-night fling, okay!? Tell him to stop being so clingy!"




I think this is the world record for the amount of times the word Ocelot has appeared on-screen.




In a wild coincidence, the enhancement pills Ocelot was expecting to be shipped today were also called Solid Snake.

This led to complications!




IF YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT???

Actually, while he says this, Ocelot moves his hand seductively up and down the barrel. Yick.




An oddly out of place western stereotype?




Hint: I think it might have something to do with the revolver he carries around and doesn't shut up about.




I'm... not really a portrait kind of artist, I'm afraid.




And this brings us to the first boss battle in the Metal Gear Solid series. Hooray!

Sadly, however, all it basically involves is running around in a circle shooting at Ocelot while he makes many-a sexual innuendo about his gun (not like that), such as how good it feels (not like that) to slam a silver bullet into a 'well-greased chamber.' (.... like that).




HAHAHA BULLETS TO KNOW YOU OCELOT




"Uh... hello? Can someone please tie me down already..? I'm cold and thirsty."




I never got this about FOX-HOUND (or anything, really). It seems that the hierarchy of rank goes alongside an animal title, but why the hell is Snake the highest? Are they just reserving names like, 'Rocket Grizzly Bear' or 'Scoped Great White Shark' for some unbelievably huge badass that storms up the rank?




SUDDENLY!!  O:




Well, he's taking sudden and mysterious amputation surprisingly well.




Which actually isn't all that stealthy, from the looks of it.

Unless the enemy happens to be blind to giant, obviously shimmering and distorted objects.




Clearly he doesn't have a Colonel blaring blindingly obvious suicide information down his ear-lobe.

"To kill yourself, press the Action Button to insert that sword into your torso. Over."




And the Snake vs Ocelot match had to be canceled due to sudden removal of body parts.




As long as he's not like the last Ninja this series dubiously produced, who was from goddamn NASA, I don't care.




Oh, lord, he's one of those types...

Yes, yes, you're all super ninja moon serious you have no true identity blah blah blah nobody cares.




.... The fuck?




Fortunately, or not, Snake's encountered many complete mental cases in his career, so he adjusts easily to Mr. Ninja.




I'd say he's Batman, but I'm sure that's a lower FOX-HOUND rank.




Fun Fact: In a few very depraved fetish circles, 'detonation code' can be a alternate term for bowel release.

Why, yes, I did feel the need to share that. Thanks for asking!




"Well, he was busy having people tell him that others were dead, so he gave the assignment to me."




Well someone's got a case of the We're All Going to Die Soon, So Hurry The Hell Up, haven't they?




"His.... 'other' probe, though..."





So the government cuts open people's brains for the entire purpose of shielding them from the off-chance that psychics exist and probe their mind for information on giant, illogical mecha?

... Makes as much sense as anything else in this series, I suppose.




Well the DARPA Chief is a giant weenie!




"Well, he either said that or, 'Oh god, oh god, I think my heart just exploded.' I'm not too sure on the details."




"Barry White and some $10 champaign. I... I'm not proud about that."




Completely unrelated note, why does Baker have fluro-green stripes on his shoes? Are they to give him that 'sporting edge'?




.... Ew?




I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THIS




"PSX-era modeling and graphics. It happens. Beats cinderblock-hands, at any rate."




HA! HA! AMPUTATION




snake sur r witz hurrr




"Oooooh, funny story, now that you mention it..."




"And I was promised that no old men were going to beat my leg with a cane. We all have to deal with disappointment."



"Or something", he says. Real caring, Snake.




I'LL BE WHATEVER I WANT YOU CAN'T STOP ME




Hookers and Blow, I'd wager.

Occam's Razor and all that nonsense.




They want a soldier that was thrown in prison with you?

Not exactly an awe-inspiring goal, but alright.




Actually, there's a question. If Baker was already in a perfectly functioning prison cell, why did they suddenly rip him out of it, blow up walls of their own fortress, and then throw him in there?

Did someone just stumble on this room and go, "Holy shit, this would be the coolest place for a boss battle. Hey, Jerry. Hey, Jerry, get the old-fart from upstairs and throw him down here. Damn, this is going to be awesome! What? No, the boss won't mind if we ruin the structure's integrity for this, quit being a pussy!"




Colonel's whaaaaa?

GEE THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO KNOW BEFORE, GAME.




Oh, boy, is that a continued fetch quest I smell?




Does everyone on this base have one of the blasted things?

Well, except the DARPA Chief, apparently.





"It's...?"
"Let me get my dramatic pause done first, boy!"
"Okay, okay. Jeez."




OH, YOU~




If you were any remotely sane individual, you'd be going, "Oh, he must mean the disc he just gives us in a sec'"

Sadly, this turns out to not be the case...




You've got two options already, Snake. Don't get greedy! I suppose the third option would be to face it in a one-on-one brawl as you try to dodge its lasers and gigantic feet, but that would be suicidal and preposterous, wouldn't it?

Let us say nothing more on the matter and continue!




And let me guess, he's oh-so conveniently located behind several boss-battles and plot-important events?




You know, if you guys find it so important to keep Metal Gear top secret, maybe you should stop calling it the Metal Gear Rex Project. Tends to give it away a smidge.




Then you'll just have to go with the two perfectly viable options you already have available?




Oh. Well that settles that then. We're off to see the scientist!




Puppy and kitten giggle-cuddle factory?




Man, these facilities never have nice places to visit, do they?




Huh?




Ohhhh, why build Metal Gear. Okay, I gotcha now.

Might wanna be a bit more clear in the future, mister!




This is basically the arms-race equivalent of a NO U




Okay, I'm just going to be honest here. There's a lot of talk about the nuclear arms race as of the turn of the millennium, which is actually pretty interesting if you like statistics, but the cutscene is about five/seven minutes long, and would eat up the entirety of this chapter, and then some. So for the sake of pacing, I'm going to skip it.

Here's the gist, though.

HUMANS ARE BASTARDS.

Okey-dokey? Let's move on.





"They wanted planes with 'wings'. Wings? Can you believe them?! Every plane has wings! So damn mainstream..."




As in if they didn't give the military what they wanted they were going insert their ace straight up his hole.




Again with the playa hatin'!



"I prefer extortion. The 'x' makes it sound cool!"




"For the record, you are adopted, and that's terrible, but just work with me..."




Well, he's honest, if nothing else.




Yes, Snake came all the way out of retirement and to Alaska just to insult a random old, fat guy.

Snake's very dedicated when it comes to flaming people.




That's the weirdest USB drive I've ever seen. Get with the times, man!

Of course, given this series, it's probably some sort of hypothetical mega-HDDVDVDDVDVDDDVD drive made of pure nanomachines, and all this'll get revealed in MGS4 and I'll look like a massive idiot. Not that that's hard, mind.




"I must stress this. The only..."
"Remaining copy of the data. Got it."
"Want me to repeat it again, just in case it becomes mildly important in the sequel?"
"Mr. Kojima is moving onto other things after this project. I think we'll be alright."




The exercise being:

-Build Metal Gear REX.
-Does it stand up? Yes.
-Will it inexplicably roar like a dinosaur? Yes.
-GOOD JOB EVERYBODY




Do I even want to know where he hid it? I declare I do not.




Well, I wasn't about to go and replace all the data with porn or anything! W.. Why would you suggest something like that?!




You're the boss, boss!

Actually, it seems Jim is. Whatever, I'll still leave ya to rot anyway.




Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that guy!

Which is odd, because... Jesus, what a nutcase.




As we'll soon learn, every single person and organization in the world has at least one dark little secret.

Hell, you'll be lucky in later installments if there's less than two shocking revelations about somebody.




"They said they wanted someone who could see further than three feet. I said they were mad. Mad, I tells ya!"




DUN DUN DUN?




Probably not saying much, but alright.




Which? The giant, bipedal, nuclear-firing tank or the freaky cyborg who has a dismembered limb fetish.

Holy hell, where do you get your funding from? The Umbrella corporation?!



DOESN'T EVERYTHING?




"I feel the need to pause dramatically again. 'cuse me a s----"




HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK




Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....




Huh.

Fair enough then!




Shortly after, Snake begins a wonderfully civil discussion with our dearest friend, Soup.




So can prolonged exposure to whatever drugs the writers of MGS4 were on.

Or the game itself, really.




And I want several fanciful unicorns that fart gold and constantly cold pillows, but it aint gonna happen.




Of course! She only aimed a gun at you and then started firing wildly from the elevator when you asked her to wait.




Ooooh, poor choice of words there, Colonel.



"And not in the way you did in the bathroom after the incident on floor B1. This radar picks that shit up, you sick little monkey."




I like how this always seems to appear at the end of a conversation. Apparently it's just not that important...




"What was that Ninja?"
"We have nobody like that in FOX-HOUND"
"But... I... didn't mention FO---"
"LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW MYSTERIOUS I'M BEING LALALALALALALA"




With all said and done, Snake begins the ritual of feasting on the dead's health to boost his own!




Let's blow this joint!




With the Key Card Snake was given by the DARPA Chief last entry boosted up now thanks to... convenient plot-timing, I suppose, you can now explore more of the rooms in the B2 basement and pick up the FA-MAS assault rifle. Score!




As for how to contact Meryl, when Baker said to look on the 'back of the CD case', he was actually referring to the back of the game's case, since there's a picture of Meryl's codec there. This is one of many times MGS breaks the fourth wall, and... well, it's actually kinda clever, but I have no idea how the average person figured it out.

Anywho, who's in the mood for more dialogue?

Me neither, but fuck it, let's go!




It'd be pretty funny if it wasn't Meryl, and Snake just blew his cover by calling some random guard up for a chat.




"WHERE ARE MY PILLS?!"




Oh, don't you start with the mysterious asshole shtick.




I can't tell if she's shocked or trying to insult poor Snake.




Excuse me.... what?




Okay, you two definitely need a room.

Preferably full of neurotoxin, if this keeps up.




His line nearly made me fall off my chair laughing, if that's what you mean.




"They built a giant tank that walks around and put it on a tiny island surrounded by ocean. That's about the meat of it."




Then you're no longer of use to me. Prepare yourself to die.




Whatever gave it away?




"Not true at all. Thanks to vigorous training and meetings, I now know how to open an elevator door. Ha! Joke's on you!"




"It's for disposing nucular weapons. Who'da thunk, eh?"




"So they're building giant, war-grade pacifiers here. Those bastards!"




Seems to me it'd be easier just to build a real nuclear facility, disposal or otherwise, then a fake one for the purpose of building a gigantic, massively inconvenient robot to fire nuclear missiles you have to make anyway, but this is why I'm not a scientist or CEO.




"Sir, we need some personnel around to make sure our testing goes according to plan."
"Alright. Okay. Alright, just hear me out on this one, alright. Okay? Right. We're going to need a giant blond man in a trench-coat, a Russian gunship, a man who can use a revolver, like, really good, a man with psychic powers, a---"
"Sir, psychic powers aren't rea---"
"Can I finish?! Let me finish! Alright. Okay? Alright. Who are you, again?"
"I'm..."
"Oh, right, right. Anyway, we need to get these guys. Like, right now, and bring them here. Now."
"Sir.. A... Are you drunk?"
"Sorry, I can't hear you. I think I'm drunk. Where's da hooch?! Who are you again?"




Yes, because when I think of people who can keep things hush-hush, I think of people with psychic powers and megalomaniacal tendencies.




Looks like the Awkward Train's going around for another ride. Choo-choo!




Quite the coinkeedink, no?




"Preferably from Exploded Heart Disease. That's a real thing, right?"




Curses! The Mystery of the Combustible Heart carries on! Where's my fedora hat and pipe?




"And not in the biblical sense."




Yeah, there's gonna be a boss battle inbetween me and him, isn't there?




Yes, Snake, the 2nd floor basement again.

Why is the concept of floors having more than one basement so darn difficult for you?




As long as they don't strap him to one after he's done, I think we're good.




Why, do we need to hand him some cigarettes or something?




1) Grab something explosive.
2) Throw it in general vicinity of the giant mecha with the really obvious weak point.
3) BOOM BABY
4) There is no Step 4, idiot.




Has everybody just completely forgotten that we have 2-3 options already for disabling Metal Gear. Why the rush to MANO-A-MANO THIS IS SOMETHING HE HAS TO DO ALONE FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICA bull-honky?




"Like a cardboard box, except not that. That idea is taken, bitch! Seriously. Don't do it."




This codec would suggest otherwise, dear.




You couldn't instantly kill another human being? What sort of sane individual are you?!




Okay.... Didn't ask, but... cool beans?




No, seriously, I didn't ask. If I wanted sudden and unskippable diatribes about someone's life story, I'd play a BioWare game.




Yes, yes, war sucks, humanity is the real monster. All very deep and perfectly valid points, but I'm moving on the game, if that's alright with you two? No? Good.




In order to get to the Warhead Disposal Building, you have to wait for this giant-ass door to open.




C'moooooooooooon~




OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN OPEN




HURRY THE FU---




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FREEDOM!!




Oh, wonderful.




DID YOU SAY CLAYMORES? YUMMY! I WILL INVESTIGATE WITH MY FACE




Gross.




Well, shit... got any suggestions for how to deal with it? Since, uh, you seem to be in the know and all...




Well fuck you too, buddy.




DELICIOUS DAIRY GOODNESS




Oh, also, there's a tank.




Oh, lord, he can't even fit in the stupid thing...

Okay, yes, what do you want?




HOW RUD-ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!




"On your knees, you dirty boy. Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!"




That might be the most stupid pre-battle taunt I've ever hear---




WAUUUUUGHWHATTHESHITJESUSCHRISTTHATFUCKINGHURTS!!

Okay, this guy might prove to be a wee bit difficult. Let's see what our colleagues have to suggest, hmm?








Ask who?! What are you talking about, man?!




THANK YOU

Someone who can give me good information, finally. Thanks, hotness!




Okay, get this. The strategy for this fight is to run right up next to the tank and start throwing grenades at it.

I can think of several dozen different ways that could go wrong, and all of them involve the giant cannon on the damn thing. In any case, you have to throw a Chaff Grenade to scramble the electronics, which will disable the main cannon somehow. That being done, you have to run right up and lob grenades into the gunner's seat.

Man, the amount of good thinking this game involves is almost staggering, sometimes.

Mock-Bitching aside, it's actually a pretty fun and tense battle.




KA-BLAMMO!!




"I mean, it's not like he can destroy more of our high-tech, multi-million dollar hardware, am I right?"




I think most people would be wise not to toy with a man who can single-handedly take out a TANK at close range.




I've been told I have the anger of one, but that's probably unrelated.




Good for them. I'm sure they're all super-proud of that~!




Unless you plan on bringing something like, I dunno... an aircraft carrier, I don't think you're going to be winning.




Is extremely pixelated and stupid, I know.




Oh, god, you're one of those people who watches The Crow every day and cries while punching their Brandon Lee posters, aren't you?




Anyway, with... uh, tank, soundly defeated, Snake's health bar rises once again.

HE'S GOT A BIG BOOST OF CONFIDENCE!

See ya next time~