Working as Intended

I hope you guys like references to breaking the fourth wall, because this entry's full of 'em~

Without explicitly giving it away for the both of you that have never played Metal Gear Solid before, if there's one thing that Hideo Kojima absolutely loves, besides anti-nuke diatribes and ninjas, it's definitely breaking the fourth wall. Or at the least leaning against it very heavily.

We've seen it already with the whole 'look at the back of the CD case HURR' thing, which was alright, but the best fourth-wall antics Kojima gets up to, and these are the reasons I like his games quite a bit, are when he starts playing tricks on the player's mind. Very few other games try to trick the player while they're playing the game, with the only other examples coming to my mind being Eternal Darkness and the Scarecrow sections of Batman: Arkham Asylum. I'm sure there's more, but those are the ones that stand out to me.

This is something Metal Gear Solid 2 will end up doing a lot, but for now, we'll just have to try and live with one of the more imaginative boss battles in an action/adventure game. Especially around the time this game was made.

Onwards!










When we last left Solid 'I Always Work Alone' Snake, he had just met up with Hal Emmerich, the completely oblivious and animuuu obsessed creator of Metal Gear REX. He also had to fight off a --and I can't believe I'm saying this-- sadomasochistic, mentally unstable cyborg version of his dead best friend. I don't think Snake's getting paid enough to do this shit, honestly.

Oh, and he also had to track down Meryl, who was spotted and captured by enemy soldiers, except for the part where she suddenly wasn't about five seconds later.




"Curses! My lust for male soldier uniforms gets me caught every time! Damn my oddly specific fetish!"




For a trained expert in espionage, he kinda sucks at his job. Especially if a tank can ambush him.




Don't worry. With PSX graphics most people can't tell genders apart anyway. It's cool.




So, your plan is to stay inside the women's bathroom for the remainder of the mission? Because if you go outside you're gonna get captured and/or shot. Except for when you won't, somehow. Seriously, how did you go from being caught to not at all again?




"And there isn't a single laundromat on the island. This is the only bathroom, too!"




"You can see further than five feet. It's incredible!"




Oh-ho, do I smell a 'War is Hell' mallet to the back of the head approaching? Why, yes, I think I do. Oh, happy days!




You've only killed two people on this mission, and they weren't really killed by you so much as their organs suddenly exploded after you chatted them up for a bit.




Co-Op campaigns won't be popular for another 3 years, so you better believe it!




"And it sure as hell isn't going to be the urinating scientist or you, Little Miss 'I Didn't Think Being a Soldier Involved Killing People'"





Or, and here's a crazy alternative, how about we just walk up to Liquid and shoot him in the face?

Problem solved forever!




It's like the Triforce, Snake. The other pieces won't appear until the plot demands they do, so don't worry about it.




No kidding? And here I was thinking they got sucked into a hyperdimensional vortex or something. The world can rest easy now, knowing that the keys to its potential future are 'somewhere'. Good job, everyone!




Uh... okay?

Didn't ask, but, good to know.




Super.

I'm just going to get back to the all-important mission to save the world from nuclear holocaust. 'cuse me.




Yes, we know. Good on you and all, but I don't especially care.




You know, the terrorists could be preparing to launch those missiles any second now.




The way Snake says this, it seems like he's going to shoot Meryl right in the back of the head or something.

Not that I blame him at this point, but still.




Do you have to turn everything into a life story?!

Seriously, I bet David Gaider is absolutely salivating over you at this point.




Yeah, uh... that much is kinda obvious.




That seems like a really weird building design. It'd be like if the only way to reach the kitchen was through my bedroom.




That's okay. I can wait until the glacier moves on. You should be half-way through your next life story by that point.




Gladly.




With our new-fangled card-key, we can get the single-most important item in any Metal Gear game...

The legendary cardboard box of legend!




"NOBODY WILL EVER SUSPECT ME NOW."




"GO ABOUT YOUR AVERAGE DAY, CITIZEN. I AM JUST A REGULAR CARDBOARD BOX. IGNORE ME!"




"Snake, my boy, this may be the most brilliant thing you've ever done. Holy shit, I'm staying in here forever!"




Yeah, I'd be in pain too if I just realized the fate of the world rests on a man currently giggling to himself in a box.




"What are you talking about? I frequently sit down and inspect my crotch to make sure it's still there. Everything's all operational, baby!"




"On a related note, let us discuss how rational and not being possessed we are today. Isn't that just the bee's knees?"




"Let us discuss hobbies. My favourite thing in the world is being normal and not possessed. You should totally try not being that."




"Now proceeding with casual banter. Do not be alarmed. This is simply the sign of your mind totally not being invaded by an outsider. Let us discuss normal things and then move on to regulatory mating rituals and me not shooting you in the face."




Well if that isn't the ultimate boner-killer for poor Snake, then I don't know what is.




Oh, thank god you called, Colonel. For a moment there I thought Meryl sounding like she's talking through a gas-mask, pulling out a gun on me and then demanding sex was perfectly normal for her. Gosh, I don't know what I was thinking!




If you two could pool your minds together and come up with a single line of helpful dialogue before the game's out, I might honestly just drop dead from shock.




Sadly, however, Snake doesn't have his usual access to chloroform, so a weapons-grade stun grenade will do just as well!




I... haven't said anything yet?




Good, because after looking at you just now... I honestly don't have any.




Mantis' being extremely well-known in the animal kingdom for their telepathic abilities, naturally.




"I bet you can't stand on your tippy-toes, can you, Mr. Smartenheimer?!"




"Let's see what we have here? .... Psycho.... Mantis.... Is... A.... Faggo-HEY!"




Depending on your actions in the game (amount of saves, times detected by guards, ect) as well as what Konami games you have on your Memory Card, Psycho Mantis can say a whole variety of different things here, which is actually pretty cool. Sadly, since I'm running my disc through an emulator, I don't get anything especially spiffy. Aw...




I haven't said anything yet, you insecure ponce!




That'd require something resembling actual effort on my part, so no.




If you own a Dual Shock controller, which if memory serves were released just around the time MGS was, the game will violently shake the controller as Mantis moves his hands. I have no idea if that was Kojima's idea or if a Sony exec. walked up and was all "I HAVE THE BESTEST IDEA EVER!!"




Unfortunately for Mantis, my PC gamepad doesn't come with a rumble feature, so he just looks like a gigantic idiot doing this.




I THOUGHT YOUR WERE MEANT TO BE THE MIND-READER HERE MANTIS HURRRRR




Onto the boss battle! Which unfortunately just revolves around you getting hurt a whole lot and Mantis dodging your attacks, since he can, well y'know, read your mind and everything.

This looks like the time for codec advice!




I DON'T WANT HIS LIFE STORY, WOMAN, JUST TELL ME HOW TO DEFEAT HIM




Fuck it, I'm talking to someone else.




... That might be the least helpful thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

"The enemy can defeat you in every possible way, but you can win if you keep reaching for the skies, kid! Over."




I. DO. NOT. CARE.




'Be careful'. What amazing advice.

Good thing the higher-ups spared no expense when it came to hiring advisors for Snake on this mission!




Occasionally during the battle, Mantis will do trippy shit like this and make you think the game's cut out, or something similar.

Makes no sense now, since nobody uses the old analog television sets, but it's still pretty clever.




There are a few ways to defeat ol' Psycho Mantis. The first, and most famous, involves putting your controller into Port 2 on the PlayStation. The logic being that he can read the left-side of your brain, but not the right. Oh, Kojima. You so crazy!

The other, lesser known way, involves shooting and destroying the masks on the Mantis statues in the upper-corners of the room. Mantis can't stand the sight of his own face, even in statue form, so he majorly freaks out, and can no longer read your mind.




In either case, with Mantis now weakened, you can turn on your Thermal Goggles to spot him when he turns on his Stealth Camo, then run around the room and shoot him in the face a whole bunch. Simple!




HERPA DERP




Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait....

Meryl was brainwashed?! Why didn't anyone tell me?!




Naomi, I know you're happy to see Meryl's okay and everything, but could you try to calm yourself down a bit?




I threw a stun grenade straight at her face, I don't think that qualifies as 'out of the way'.

Oh, and also the game would end if I didn't. That's a pretty big factor too.




"Just women, though. Men, animals, children... they could all blow their brains out and I wouldn't bat an eyelid!"




Jesus Christ, Naomi. It's not like he makes a living kicking puppies or eating babies, lay off the man, would ya?




"And I mean a lot. There was this one time down in... maybe I shouldn't go into details, but hoo boy! That was nuts!"




Of course he has a heart. How else would he steal and use other people's blood to fuel his own after a boss battle?





Suddenly, Mantis tells us how to reach Metal Gear. Sadly, however, he's just telling us shit we already know.

Some psychic he turned out to be!




"They... couldn't... think of a better way... to write... this... crap..."




Yes, we know.




"... all had PSX save files there. What the fuck is that all about it, I ask ya?"




"Seriously. The way they kept thinking about it you'd swear it was a biological impulse or something!"




"I just made you sterile, through the power of my will alone!"
"What was that?!"
".... What was what?"




I can see what he wasn't invited to hang out with the rest of the FOX-HOUND gang. Christ, what a buzzkill.




"Oh, let's being Mantis with us to Shadow Moses, you said, Ocelot. He'll be the life of the party, you said!"
"Boss, I was only just..."
"He'd be quite the ice-breaker, YOU SAID."




Now there's a basis for a health family relationship, let me tell you.




Such a healthy family...





Wow. That's just.... I.... Wow.




"See, Meryl? This is how you tell a life story. None of that, 'I don't wear make-up' bullcrap!"




Little does Mantis know, but someone actually managed to take a picture of him that day.




"Could you imagine.. if someone like... Gabe Logan starred in this? ... God, what... horsecrap..."




"Not enough Dance Dance in it for my tastes..."




Just like office workers...






"I just fired off a big one.... Heh... heheheheh..."




I didn't know Mantis was a 4chan visitor.







And that's all she wrote.




Oh, Snake, ever the caring soul~




That's what mind control is. Maybe you haven't quite grasped the concept of it yet.




Oh, Snake, you're just upset that Mantis totally cockblocked you with the whole possession shtick.




"Why were you sniffing the male soldier's uniform and giggling in the bathroom just before?"




Cripes, who pissed in Snake's cornflakes this morning?




"Rudiger. Not many people know that. Though now that I've told you, I'm afraid you're going to have to die."




That's the weirdest name I've ever heard.

Must be from one of those feisty, southern-European families.





You know, I'm starting to think this entire Shadow Moses incident isn't a giant terrorist-related activity, and is instead something Campbell and the others created to keep Snake occupied so he doesn't gatecrash and completely ruin the annual company Christmas party.

Seriously, would you talk to the guy?




Or maybe Snake is Squall's actual father.

The attitude resemblance is uncanny.




All the more reason I'm happy he doesn't act like such a douchenozzle in the sequels.




"Sorry, what was that, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my cannibalizing the dead!"




Well, enough of this place. Let's mosey!




Here There Be Wolves?




"All bastard."




"In that if I meet any dogs I don't like, I mush them."




Throughout this area are the fabled wolf-dogs. They're actually pretty easy to avoid, and they won't attack you if you're crawling through a confined space. Not that it matters, since they're usually friendly.




See? Friendly!




"Oh, hah-hah. I'm also an expert at removing teeth! Care for a demonstration?"




Oddly, speaking about that, there's an amusing and surprisingly handy easter egg here. If you punch Meryl and then quickly equip the cardboard box, she will command the little puppy to urinate all over it. Gross, yes, but now you can safely travel through areas while wearing the box and not have the worry about having your face mauled off!




But enough of that, let's proceed onwards with Operation: Everybody's Going to be Just Fine~




If you look ahead of you, you'll see a section of the game that will cause every player to start screaming in agony.




"Back off, bitch. I called dibs on this place first!"




Mines are very courteous and shy around women, and will refuse to detonate until they safely pass.




Pfft! You think that's good? Watch this.




Aw yeah, nice and slow. This is a sinc--




OW! SON OF A---




That's cool. That's okay. It was only a practice run, alright? Stop laughing!

Okay, let's do this for real.




See? What did I tell you? Piece of cake!




OH GOD DAMN IT!!




I mean, uh... Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, that's what would happen if you were an idiot and didn't pay attention to where to go. Now I will demonstrate the correct and manly way to do this!




This is how you do it!




Honestly, I don't know how people screw this up.

It's so obvious, and only a complete moron would blow themselves up.




See? Anyone can do it!

However, nobody can do it with as much style and finesse like myse-




GAHSHSAUOQWDHPASOZDGDAAUOPSOBLAU!!




"Mmmm, nice ass on that one..."




"What is this strange red thing on my shirt? I, a trained soldier, am completely befuddled! Incidentally, Snake, have I mentioned just how not bulletproof my torso is today? I only say this out loud right now because I..."




"WHOA NELLY"




Okey-dokey! Welp, it's been nice knowing ya, meatbag!




Ah, yes, the old, 'Aim a Sniper Rifle at a trained soldier and hope that can't tell what a laser sight is so you can shoot them'.

.... It's a pretty stupid book.




"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty..."




Are you seriously going on about your life story right now?!

Holy hell, there's a time and place for everything! Being in the middle of a sniper duel isn't either!




Technically this isn't war. It's just a facility that was taken over by a few nutjobs.

Which makes your complete failure to do anything all the more pathetic, but, y'know...




I've been trying to, but you won't end this cutscene!




YOU. DON'T. FUCKING. SAY.




THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN ESTABLISHED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.




You think the person sniping at us might be the sole sniper from FOX-HOUND, who also happens to have the word sniper in their name. Is that what you think? No wonder you're here to provide me with essential intel!




In other words, you can't set the clock inside the console ahead a week and kill her of old age.




This battle just took a turn for the sexy  ;)




The classic sniper position apparently being at the bottom of a communication's tower in Alaska. Who knew?




"Dude, chill out..."




"Unless it involves backtracking. Then she's on her own, buster."




Okay, I know Snake's a bit of a hardass, but Naomi's acting all "HOLY FUCKING CARP RIDING INTO A BEAR'S MOUTH THIS IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER FOR YOU SNAKEUUUU-CHAN-KUN" the second he does something remotely good-willed. I mean, he did come out of retirement to do this mission, y'know.

Not willingly, granted, but still!




"They look damn good with a black tank-top, honey!"




"Preferably somewhere within 10 yards. Seriously, if I have to go any further than that I will leave her to rot where she lies."




No, the latest issue of Huge Asses Unlimited, OF COURSE A FUCKING SNIPER RIFLE!




....... You're shitting me, right?

I have to go all the way back to the first building in the game?




Okay, yeah, it sucks shit, Snake, but it's not like Otacon put the darn Sniper Rifle there.

Oh well. Time to... *sigh*... backtrack...




Stupid rassin', frassin' Sniper Rifle...




Grrrrhgh grrrr... make me backtrack... grrrrr... all the way to the...




Gagarghgg... revenge soon! Oh, yes... stupid Konami and their... grrr... and...



THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!




Stupid... frassin'... nukes, can't even shoot them and kill myself....




Frackin' snow... and... it's.... SNOW!




Brashin' Colonel... telling me out to ride an elevator. grhghrhrhrhhhrhhhh.. Oh, he'll get his soon!




VICTORY!!




Don't rush me, asshole!




Crickey! It's the Rozzers!




CHEESE IT!




Well, at least it should be a relatively safe run back to Meryl now, I suppose.

Yeah, that's a plu--




FUCKING MINES!!




Okay. Okay. I feel much better and relaxed now.

Not bitter at all to losing an hour of my life backtracking and hitting mines every four seconds. Nopers! Not at all.

Not in the least.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!




Ahhhh, the snow. So relaxing~

It soothes the genocidal urges, you know?




Oh now the mines don't explode! How very convenient...




Right. Now. Where were we?