Working as Intended

If memory very vaguely serves, we're now at the half-way point for Metal Gear Solid. Hooray!

I'm honestly kind of surprised just how well the game holds up after all this time. The graphics are dated, but still some of the best the little ol' PSX managed to churn out, and the writing is... well it's not bad (actually pretty good in place), just incredibly redundant. Something that'll be obvious in the first few moments of this entry.

It's an odd way of thinking in the MGS series that if something needs to be said once, then it needs to be repeated a good three or four more times before the event's over. I have no idea why, but it does seem a touch odd. Especially when the series goes completely bonkers later on and they barely explain the most insane plot-devices even once before expecting you to commit it to memory forever.

In any case, we're still a ways off that, so let us continue!










When we last left Solid 'Other People Just Complicate My Life' Snake, he had just defeated Psycho Mantis, FOX-HOUND's leader at having completely insane and unexplained powers. He and Meryl then met some totally friendly wolf-dogs before Meryl was introduced to a giant red laser-sight and the high-velocity sniper round that usually accompanies it.

With things looking so grim, Snake turns to the operatives on the codec for help.




However, they offer absolutely no assistance what-so-ever.




Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence there, chief.




Gladly. Piss off.




This... is advice, I suppose. Just a shame it's the completely wrong advice.




Fortunately for me and my typical complete sucking at sniper rifles in video games (No, seriously. I shot myself in the head once in Halo 3...) the battle against Sniper Wolf is pretty straight-forward. Once you equip the rifle, Wolf will almost never fire at you until you have her in your sights, so you don't have to worry about being shot in the face out of nowhere. Most of the time.

Once you find her, it's just a simple case of lining up about 6-7 shots and letting rip. The End!

No, not that The End, that's in tw... oh, forget it.




Well, that sure was easy.

I'm sure this will in no way be a trap or anything. No, sir. Everything's wonderful and will remain that way FOREVER.




CURSE YOU AND YOUR CUNNING RUSE!!




Uh, didn't Naomi mention this just in the last entry? And Campbell before that, way back in the intro?

Way to pay attention there, Snake.





"I know he's a bit of a pansy, but Otacon isn't a--OH! Oh, you mean her. Nah, fuck it, she can go first."




Meaning Snake will drop dead immediately after Disc 1 ends.




"I'm Snake. Nice gun you have there--I mean nipples--no, wait, shit. What'd I say?"




Hopefully not in the same way a wolf would.

She seems to be pointing at Snake's junk during this scene for some completely unknown reason. Okey-dokey then.




"Bake him away, toys!"




"Wait until he sees my totally bitchin' mullet. Then kill him! Man, he's going to be so jealous..."
"I don--"
"Isn't that right, Ocelot?"
"Well... uh..."
"Isn't. That. RIGHT. Ocelot?"




"... Mummy?"


"I know that! I'm just clarifying for anyone who wasn't around for that particular moment..."
"We were all around for that."
"Oh, wise guy, huh? Fine then. You deal with the exposition from now on!"
"Sir, that's rather unprofessional of you..."
"I ALREADY KNEW THAT TOO WAY TO CHOKE SMART GUY"
Unfortunately, a game based around the last son, Gaseous Snake, never caught on.


"Now I'll never get that pony I've dreamed of. Blast it all!"


"I think that's roughly the amount of disc space left for this game, no?"



"Fascist pig-dogs!"


"Is that 'Ha-Ha' funny, sir, or 'I'm going to flip out and shoot one of you in the face' funny?"




They're normally the first ones under it as well. HEY-OH!




Hopefully it's Snake's shoulders. They seem to have mysteriously gone missing.




"Why are you looking at me funny, si.... NOT LIKE THAT."




DUN DUN DUN??




"Hmm? What? Eh, who cares. Not like he's hurt anyone of importance."
"But! M.. My han--"
"ANYONE. OF. IMPORTANCE."
"... I'm so double-crossing you when I get the chance."
"What was that?!"
"Hmm. Oh. Nothing."




"He'll be perfect for our organization!"




Possibly a fungus too.




"I've already got my trenchcoat. Now where did I leave that fedora hat..."




"Catch you later, Wolf---I mean Breasts--Fuck! Why do I keep doing that?!"




D... Do you want me to put the Barry White album on?




Yeah, now's probably a good time to point out that 99% of homoerotic fanfiction written about this game comes from either one of the two scenes in this entry. The More You Know, But Probably Didn't Want To~!




Do you want to be alone for this, Ocelot?




If one of them involves vibrating, I'm turning this game right the fuck off.




"I'm foreshadowing right now~! D... Did you get that?"


"Someone must really want to carry around that v---"
"SO I HEAR METAL GEAR HAS A NEW TYPE OF NUKE IN IT, EH?"
"W... What are you doin--"
"YOU KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS??"
"I don't... I can't.... What is i--"
"DIVULGE TOP SECRET PLANS TO THE ENEMY C'MOOOOON"




Maybe I will, Smart Guy!




"No, the soup."




"You.. took all my stuff, already. Shouldn't you know what I do and don't have?"
"I know! I'm just making sure everyone knows what I'm talking abo--"
"HAH! TOLD YOU IT WASN'T SO EASY TO EXPOSIT, YOU WEENIE"
"QUIET, YOU!"




"Could the others be hidden in top-secret locations? Or... maybe it's one key, but changes due to temperatu--No, that's retarded. Nobody would devise something so impractical and stupid..."


Oh, boy! I love games~ :D




Guess what, kiddies? It's time to play Ocelot's favorite game~ Electro-Torture the Inexplicably Topless Man!

... Anyway, you can get one of the two endings depending on if you submit or endure the tortue (ie: bash the Circle button a whole bunch). I couldn't remember what ending was canonical, so I asked a few friends. I got back a lot of, "The endure one is, dumbass. Remember MGS4?" So, yeah, that shuts me up.





"Not as amazing as my gun, though. It's THE BEST GUN E--"
"Yes, yes, 'best gun ever'. Hardy-hah. We've all seen Metal Gear Awesome, you know."
"Okay. Fine. Cripes, who stripped and tortured you tod---Oh. Oh, right."




Anyone who was paired up against apparently the two most derptastic pilots in the Air Force?




"I will exemplify how not a failure it was by not discussing it at all ever again."




LATER, IN THE PRISON CELL OF SOLITUDE, SNAKE FINDS HIS SHOULDERS




"Well, guess who's not going hungry tonight? It's not the guy that's not me~!"




So, yeah, this is a fine how-do-you-do we find ourselves in.




FINE THEN

I WILL DO THIS BY HAVING A VERY LONG AND LOUD CONVERSATION YOU SHOULD LOGICALLY BE ABLE TO HEAR, BUT APPARENTLY NEVER DO.




"Huh? Oh, right, that. Uhhh, you're gonna here some craaaazy stories about how I know all about that and conveniently never told you until right now. They're totally not true, by the way. The stories, that is, not the missiles. Not that I know anything about that. Because I don't."




"It's so deep it goes all the way to the top!"
"Huh? But that.."
"YOU HEARD ME."




Boy, I'm glad I'm not the poor soul who has to awkwardly bring that up to the President one morning.




Oh shit! Not the Start 3! Anything but th... What the fuck is Start 3?

"START III (for Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty) was a proposed bi-lateral nuclear disarmament treaty between the United States and Russia. It meant to drastically reduce the deployed nuclear weapons arsenals of both countries and to continue the weapons reduction efforts that had taken place in the START I and START II negotiations."

Well... Alrighty then.




Sorry, I'll just be back here laughing inwardly. Please continue.




"Nucular. It's pronounced 'nucular'!"





"Colonel. Tell me about this new type of Nuclear weapon."
"Well, it---"
"WHY DON'T YOU GIVE INTO THEIR DEMANDS?"
"Can I answer your last question first?"
"BIG BOSS!!"
"You're kind of all over the place he---"
"SNAKE SPEAK IN GIANT TALK NOW!!"




Yeah, I'd be pretty embarrassed too if people found out billions of dollars of R&D went towards... that.




Ah, from one merry subject right onto the next~!




"He also has several bite-marks in his lower leg. N.. Not that I'd know anything about that. What?"




Three hours ago, according to the save file, yes.




Oh, right, I'll just smash my head into the metal door until it magically opens itself and lets me free. I'll get right on that!

Maybe... no, they won't, but fuck it, we may as well call up the rest of the gang and see if they have any advice.




... Why do I call you again?

Well, besides the sexy accent.




Now that's more like it!




BUILDING A FORT!! GO AWAY!




Well I don't. Tell him to rack off. This fort won't build itself!




'Close friend', I gotcha.

Wink.




Mo' lek SpetSPAZ.

Oh, that's right. I went there.




You know what the sad thing is?

Ocelot, in the past five minutes of torturing Snake, has given out infinitely more useful info than his supposed allies.




But no time for that now. We've got more nonsense to go through~!




"Yes. I was the one who keyed 'GRAY FOX IS A LOSER' into your car. I apologize."




"No, I've just been saying that for the past several years for the sheer hell of it. Funny as shit, huh?"




"Hell, I killed him because of it. Super-manly, right. I know. So... are we gonna make out now or what?"




"This makes me emotionally stable, right? That's what I thought. WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME, DADDY?!"




No, that's what you use to kill insects, moron.

Wait...




That's cool. Nobody asked.




I'm trying to break out of jail here, you know. To... to save the world?

No?

Well, alright then.




Right, I'm hanging up now. Have a good one!




Finally! Someone helpful arrives!




Damn straight!

So what has Otacon brought us? Some C4 from the armoury maybe? Ooh, or maybe some Stealth camo, like he has? Or, hell, I'd be happy with just a key to get out of here. Lay it on us, Otacon, ol' buddy~!




...... I fucking hate you.




Oh, wonder of wonders, Snake has some wanking material now. The day is surely saved!




She'll be nicer to everyone else once I put a bullet through her skull.

Technically I've done that seven times already though, so what the hell?




".... handsome."




Wow. So this terrorist organization is so generically evil that it was literally about to go and shoot some dogs?

Yeah, that'll show the Pentagon that you're super-serious about this whole thing!




She likes cats.
She must be a sane person.




So... we should be giving her a gift-basket then? Help me out here.




Well, with the stuff Otacon gave us, we can actually bust out of jail now!

There's a few ways you can do it, but the easiest is to just lie down and use the tomato sauce, which will make poor Johnny believe it's blood, for some reason.




I will now give you the soundtrack that honestly should've been looping over the next hour or so.

Enjoy.




CHEESE IT!




HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!




Goodbye, Johnny!

Until next time, kindred spirit...




And Ocelot was nice enough to leave a time bomb in our inventory. How sweet~

Which would've been awfully awkward if Snake didn't bust out of jail right this moment, and the bomb went off and took out half the damn torture chamber, but what are ya gonna do?




Oh, frakkin' wonderful. I'm back at the tank hanger.

Which means I have to run all the way back to the communications tower again.




Oh well. At least it's a mostly peaceful little run~




FUCKING FUCK MINES!!




Stupid... fdhfssda...gfsdjf... little...asd.. mine...ddfs... running....gdfsdf... time wastin' little...




FUCK YOU!!




Aw <3

With the wankhankerchief in hand, the wolves won't attack you, since it smells of Sniper Wolf.




Yes. Which I got rid of about five minutes ago.

Thanks for the breaking news there, shit-for-brains.




Annnnd now we're back were we started.

Again.

For the third time.

In about an hour.




What is it? Kinda on the way to somewhere important right now. This better be good!




WE KNOW.

Mostly because that's the way she started every conversation, codec call and request for breakfast.




"Who is completely at 100% dead. Yup. No shocking revelations about this will ever be made. No siree, Bob."
"Actually, my name's Roy."
"Yeah, nobody cares, Bob."
"Roy."
"Whatever."




Oh, you and me both, man.




Oh. Oh, you called to give Snake some After School Special advice. Wonderful.

I like how you'll give him advice about this, but the second he's in a life of death battle it's nothing but, "Sniper Wolf is a sniper. Over."

Yes, I'm bitter!




Music to my ears. Consider it done, ol' friend!




.... What.




The combined knowledge and language skills of every mortal on this planet cannot possibly fathom how little I care.

Are we really that desperate for conversation that we're going to discuss Naomi's grandfather?




That's amazing, Naomi. Absolutely amazing.

That has exactly nothing to do with anything regarding this mission. Remarkable, really!




. . . .

I'm hanging the hell up now.




Right. Back to the actual game.

Off we go to find Metal Gear!




OH SHI-




Curses! It's the conveniently placed but not-at-all previously noticed soldiers that were hiding behind Snake!




But not to fear! Snake can now hog-tie those pesky little varmints before they wreck ol' Patterson's carrot patch!




And this begins, quite easily, the longest staircase in video game history.

I'm not kidding. It makes the Shinra HQ seem absolutely trivial in comparison. I think it takes, including stopping for ammo and fighting, a good 10-12+ minutes of running in basically a circle. Oh, rapture, baby!




DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!! DIE!!




Back to running...




Oh, it's probably worth noting that your weapon doesn't lock-on to the enemy usually until half the clip is gone.

So... yeah, enjoy shooting staircases and the wall a whole bunch!




LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!!




You know what's the funnest thing ever is? Having a gigantic girder block most of the enemy from view.

Isn't that just the greatest?




I sure hope you guys have that music from before going, because this is boring as shit.




PISS OFF ALREADY!!




How many soldiers can a stairwell possibly contain?!

What makes this even more odd is that there's no rooms or offices up the top, so where are they all coming from?!




OH GOD!!




I don't have anything else to say. I... I think I might honestly be a vegetable now.




"Vegetable" comes from the Latin vegetabilis (animated) and from vegetare (enliven), which is derived from vegetus (active), in reference to the process of a plant growing. This in turn derives from the Proto-Indo-European base *weg- or *wog-, which is also the source of the English wake, meaning "become (or stay) alert"...




...the question of whether the tomato is a fruit or a vegetable found its way into the United States Supreme Court in 1893. The court ruled unanimously in Nix v. Hedden that a tomato is correctly identified as, and thus taxed as, a vegetable, for the purposes of the 1883 Tariff Act on imported produce. The court did acknowledge, however, that, botanically speaking, a tomato is a fruit...




...during the six months that followed its dedication, 10,041 people climbed the 897 steps and 50 landings to the top. After the elevator that had been used to raise building materials was altered to carry passengers, the number of visitors grew rapidly. The original elevator was a steam elevator and took 20 minutes to go to the top. Wine and cheese were served to those riding, but only men were allowed on board since the elevator was considered unsafe...




...natives and Russian settlers in the hills northwest of Lake Baikal observed a column of bluish light, nearly as bright as the Sun, moving across the sky. About 10 minutes later, there was a flash and a sound similar to artillery fire. Eyewitnesses closer to the explosion reported the sound source moving east to north. The sounds were accompanied by a shock wave that knocked people off their feet and broke windows hundreds of kilometres away...




...were now empty, some owned by the county, others by companies intending to use them for storage. They were heading back to their car when a figure appeared behind their parked vehicle. Mrs. Bennett said that it seemed like it had been lying down, slowly rising up from the ground, large and gray, with glowing red eyes. While Wamsley phoned the police, the creature walked onto the porch and peered in at them through the window....




...twenty-nine seconds later, at 19:12:09 Valentich reported that he was experiencing engine problems and was going to proceed to King Island. There was brief silence until he said "it is hovering and it's not an aircraft". This was followed by 17 seconds of unidentified noise, described as being "metallic, scraping sounds", then all contact was lost.




........ end .......




H... Huh? I'm.... free? I'm free?!

Holy gods, YES! Finally! Oh, thank the lords above! Now we can finally be done with all the pissing about and move ont---








I just spent the last two and a half hours of my life either backtracking, rebacktracking, ruining my thumb mashing the circle button, or climbing up an cunting near endless supply of stairs. I've even taken out a tank using nothing but close-range grenades. So, you know what? Bring. It. The Fuck. On.




Or, alternatively, I could go screaming and burning off the side of the building. That works too.




I sure hope you guys and gals brought that rope from before with ya, because it's time for some ol' fashioned repelling! Yeehaw! And, yes, you have to repel down the building you just spent 12 minutes climbing.

This game can honestly go fuck itself up the arse sideways with a rusted chainsaw right now.




LALALALALALALALA IF I COVER MY EYES IT DOESN'T EXIST OR KILL ME LALALALALALA




Oh-ho-ho~!

My word, what have we here!




You might be thinking that, YAY, this tower has an elevator we can use!!

But you'd be wrong, since that would assume the game designers aren't total pricks. It doesn't work, naturally.




"I've got a better question, Hal. How far can do you think I could shove this FAMAS straight up your rear end if you don't get the elevator working this instant? No need to answer right away, I know you've got a lot of better be fixing the fucking elevator right now on your mind. Just, y'know, something to ponder about. All hypothetical-like."




"Yeah. That's what I thought, punk."




"That depends. Did you get the elevator working?"




Uh, thanks. Elevator?




Guess the elevator will just magically fix itself now. Alright, out with it then.




..... 'ello, what's all this then?




And all around the world, yaoi fangirls/boys start furiously writing and drawing fan material with one hand.




Snake tries to play naive, but he's not fooling anyone.




"(Take me! Take me now!)"




Hell, I don't need to make comments now. They're right there in the game.




And Snake immediately ruins the moment.

Unless his plan is to push Otacon and himself into the elevator for some pre-boss battle gettin' it on.




"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzBRRRROTHERbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"




"It's these damn PSX-era graphics. I look like I'm 50 years old. Does that seem right to you?!"




So... it's the high-tech equivalent of throwing a paper bag over your head?




Right. With all that sexual tension just waiting to explode (boy was that a poor choice of words), Snake heads on up!




"Oh yeah? Well the Hind's finally come out of it's SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, LIQUID!!"




Possibly because you're brothers? Just food for thought there.




"Oh, boy! Daddy~ :D"




The battle against Liquid is kind of like the one against Wolf, except here it involves helicopters and heat-seeking missiles, so it's infinitely superior in every way. The Hind-D has a pretty predictable pattern where it'll fly to the furthest corner of the map and then fire the bullets at you, which you can easily avoid by ducking behind something. Besides that, it's just a simple case of locking on and firing madly!

Oh, and sometimes he might fire a missile at you, but that's easily avoided too by heading to the very left corner of the building and hiding. Missiles are allergic to bottom-left corners of buildings. Everybody knows that.




But, yeah, Liquid doesn't exactly make himself hard to spot sometimes.




KA-BLAMMO!!




"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??"
"I baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaked youuuuuuu a muffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin"
"But Iiiiiiii'm alerrrrrrrrgic tooooo wheeeeeeeeat!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhh, okaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Neeeevermiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind!"




"Man, this would've been so cool if somebody was standing behind me right now."




"And who am I talking to? There's nobody up here..."




With Liquid dead forever, Snake has no qualms about stealing his power. It's all Highlander up in this crib, dawg.




And on that note, it's time to end~

See you folks next time for the finale of Disc 1!