Working as Intended

Did I mention that I hate the prison section of the game? No? Well, I do!

All I remembered about it was that it involved an awful lot of running. I completely forgot about the almost amazingly poor and redundant writing. I mean, I know that's usually a staple in JRPGs, but... sheesh, that was awful! The whole bit is kind of like having to run the exact same path in a dungeon 3-4 times before you're allowed out. And the only reason I had to do that was because a certain party member said, "Hey! Let's go down!"



Jerkass.

But, with that thankfully out of the way, let's get back into the game!

To the [Missile Base]!




Well, shit, that was easy enough.




"And remember to pack your bags for the big barbeque that'll take place in the newly formed Balamb Crater!"




Lunch, Zell. It's pronouned 'lunch'.




Actually, considering that if those missiles fire everyone is going to die, I'd say it does matter.




Can't argue with that plan.




Let's!




... Is anyone starting to think that Rinoa can't actually talk, and it's all like a parrot parlour trick?




Well, nerts. We tried. Guess we better head on home, then..




Yeah, maybe you should've thought about the crazy possibility of top secret missile bases needing clearance and ID Cards before you tried to risk everyone's lives by infiltrating it.




This coming from the man who hasn't gone a sentence without yelling.




Oh, you think the ID Card will possibly work in the little slot that says 'Enter ID Card'?

"You're a freakin' genius, you idiot!"




Nice and casual, aw yeah.




Crap!



Gotcha, sir. Crystal clear. No running. Understood! We know exactly what you mean.




WHEEEEEEE~




I just wanted to share a hug. Y'see, shit like this is why nobody invited you to the Christmas party, Frank!




"DUHHHHH I'UNNO"




.... What?




Unless the message is a fist to Zell's face, no can do, man!




That's exactly what we'll do then! Got the message memorized in my little noggin'.




"It says.. lemme read this correctly... 'You'... 'Are'... 'A'... 'Knob-end'. Hey! How about that?"




Yes, that's exactly what they said.




(Yes, it was. Shut up, Zell.)




I'm not a carrier pigeon, asshole!




Running~!




Does anyone seriously do anything around here?




PUH-LEASE




Spankings for all!




... That doesn't even make any sense.




And all the leprous idiots that inhabit it too.




Well this guy was on the ball before, maybe he'll finally see that these three are obviously not soldiers.




...

Oh, fuck it. Let's just blow this place up!




Selphie employs my way of fixing anything on my PC when it breaks.




And then my way of fixing my Xbox 360.




O NOEZ




Well, she seems unconcerned at... everything.




They broke into the base with ID Cards that obviously aren't theres, disregarded regulation by running around like idiots, are basically doing a half-arse job at covering for two different teams of people, and have just blown the power to the entire missile base just minutes before a crucial launch.

They're screwed.




That's the most obvious excuse in the book. You guys are totally busted.




...

Do they even NEED disguises?!




"Hey, new guys! Here's your complimentary ID Card, ill-fitting and obviously wrong uniform, a guide on how to do the completely wrong salute, and... oh yeah, how could I forget? Here are the codes to blowing up the entire base and killing thousands of innocent soldiers and workers. Ta-ta~!"




Good lord, you guys are stupid.




"YEAH THAT WAS TOTALLY US. WE'RE SABOTAGING THIS BASE. DON'T TELL ANYONE!"




Sounds like a wild Friday night!




Several thousand pushes of the Square Button later~




Why don't you just let them run the entire fucking country while they're at it?




Let's not and say we smacked you in the teeth.




I can just imagine the text Squall'd get if they did do that.

"OMMMMG sry :( i lunched missilez by mistake itz a MEGA-BUMMER kk ttyl~ ;)"




Have I said it yet? I don't care if I have. Shut the hell up, Zell.




Man, the Blizzard Launcher has certainly upgraded itself since I last signed on.




Why would they intentionally ask their missiles to miss the target?

No, really. Why?




I gotta upload this shit to YouTube!

Actually, speaking of YT, there's a little easter egg in the computer, where if you press the right buttons on a certain screen, the following little video plays.




I don't know, just go with it.




"Also, we've totally fucked up your base. You guys are cool with that, right?"




Why not? Everyone else here is an idiot.




Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?




"We heard there were spankings going on up in here!"




Or that.




Okey-dokey then!




Well, holy crap, someone here actually knows what they're doing!




So everyone in the base is an intruder then?

God, that'd be pretty funny, actually, if all the non-Officers in the base were part of different teams trying to infiltrate and blow the place up. But they all got horribly confused in the attempt and just tried to fit in, out of fear of being discovered by the other soldiers who were also infiltrators.

No wonder nothing was getting done!




Time to kick some arse!




"Zell, flash 'em!"




I have no idea who's saying this line.

But the soldiers die horribly, so I guess it doesn't matter!




"It'll be a rich, full day!"




Okay, so just to make this clear. Zell walked over to this console after they said they should stop the missiles, and the everyone's all happy. So... that means the missiles have been stopped, right?

Just wanna be sure.




"I assure you, NOTHING could possibly go wrong by me hitting this button!"




Let's blow this popsicle stand!




"OH GOD IF ONLY WE ATTEMPTED TO DEFUSE THE SELF-DESTRUCT IN THE 40 MINUTES WE HAVE AVAILABLE INSTEAD OF FLEEING MINDLESSLY"




Uhhhh, are those missile launchers?




. . . .




OH GOD DAMN IT ZELL CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!



Oh, so you have time to drive a giant... whateverthefuck that thing is into the base and kill us, but you don't have time to sever the connection on the self-destruct panel?




Out of all the bosses in Final Fantasy VIII, this is actually the one I remember the most. That's because as a kid I was really stupid had so much damn trouble defeating this guy, it took me... I think about 10 or so attempts. It's now imprinted in my silly little mind!

In my defense, his Beam Cannon attack hits like a goddamn truck full of  brick shithouses.




But it doesn't matter now, as the silly thing dies within 5 minutes.




Yup! I mean it sucks that Selphie has to be there, but... hey, if it had to be three people, I guess.




Oh, Zell. So have I.




Oh, you have no idea~!

Told ya. Best. Plan. Ever.




Wait for it...




WAIT FOR IT




BOOOOOM, BABY!




... I think I need a cigarette.



Right, let's quickly check in with Squall~!

A friend said I have to do this, as it happens all the time with bitter VIII Let's Plays now.




You won't be saying that in about five seconds.




Ahhh, it's so nice to be back with people who actually know how to think.




Why didn't you just ring them on the phone then?

Whatever. We'll get right on that, Mr. Wall, but first...




'cuse me a sec!




AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!




Back we go~!