Final Fantasy VIII - Part Eight
Posted on 11/16/2010 by Trambapoline
And so we begin Disc Two!
Here are my thoughts on the game so far. While the storytelling/logic pretty much implodes in on itself during the very last section, I think Disc 1 is actually a very solid outing. The pacing is among the best of any Final Fantasy title, where you'll go between quieter moments and bombastic ones at just the right time, so neither outstays its welcome. It introduces the characters and the overall themes well (except for two certain characters, natch) and, well... yeah, it's pretty good. Holds up well.
As for the second disc, however. From what I remember, it's also pretty damn good, but it works in reverse. The logic-bending insanity and stupid moments are at the start, then it gets better as time goes on. Specifically, the prison sequence. I absolutely despise this bit. I was tempted to go through all of Parasite Eve before returning, I wanted to put it off that much.
But it's always gonna be there, so let's just this over with (and friends insisted I continue, because they laugh at my pain). I'm blasting through this section, because what isn't annoying as all hell is generally just the equivalence in boring.
We start off Disc 2 with a short, but very cute little Laguna section.
Someone in a Final Fantasy game wearing funny clothing? Well, I never!
"Why do you look like a Red Team Spartan's masochistic gimp?"
As mentioned, this is a cute little sequence, but there's almost nothing to note about it. It basically briefly introducing Raine (the woman in the pub), Ellone and.. that's about it. Other than that you run from one end of Winhill and back fighting mobs.
Actually, that's not true. We also quickly find out about what happened to Julia.
So Julia was Rinoa's mother. The poor, poor woman.
This also means that if Kiros didn't cockblock Laguna back in Deling City, we wouldn't have to put up with her stupid arse right now. Thanks a friggin' lot, Kiros!
I honestly wish I could just play through Winhill for this entire section, but it's depressingly short. So.. ah, fuck. Let's get on with the prison sequence, shall we?
"Not bad. Though he has the burden of single-handedly holding up the storytelling quality in this game right now."
So he's probably doing pretty well then.
They've got all the time in the world now. No impending disasters, no top secret missions of global importance. Let's sit down and finally try and figure out what's going on!
We don't expect you to know. We expect you to sit in the corner and shut up.
Why does nobody in this game ever want to discuss anything?!
Jesus Christ, no wonder most of the plot points are only resolved near the end..
He may have said something of the sort while I wasn't giving a shit.
No, I have to agree. That'd be way too coincidental. Zell being trapped in the exact same prison as the one Ward works in, and he only experiences this bizarre 'dream' like sequence when he's in the cell. All of this happening off screen.
That's a level of convenience that only a hack writer would dare come up with.
Oh no...
*sigh*
Me and my big goddamn mouth.
WE. JUST. ESTABLISHED. THIS.
... Okay, who was the retard who wrote this section?
For those of you who couldn't remember the most important event at the end of the last disc.
Look, I don't wanna remember how stupid it was either, but if I have to suffer then so do all of you!
Actually, this is a very good question. I don't think it's ever explained where Irvine went. Especially when he was part of the group with Squall that went toe-to-toe with the sorceress. But considering how especially poorly written this part of the game seems to be, I'm not surprised.
What? Eat him?
Oh, nevermind. Here he is!
This is the only line in the entire game that's about that big moment where Squall gets bloody impaled with a giant icicle. Never mentioned again, and this isn't even an explanation. Going, "It's not there!" explains nothing and.. just..
Look, if I start pointing out the grievous storytelling cock-ups in this section I'll be here all day!
Yes, because this is much more important than you GETTING STABBED IN THE TORSO.
GIANT. ICICLE. TORSO. Y-
Fuck it. What's everyone else up to?
"Oh, that's just the plot banging against the wall. It says you should hurry the fuck up and escape already."
Mean Guy is mean.
Though, in fairness, with a name like that it's not like he had very many options at his disposal.
W.. Wait. Is someone beating the shit out of Zell?
Holy shit, yes! This is awesome!
Maybe this place isn't so bad after all?
"Silly me~! I almost forgot to shoot your kneecaps. Boy, would my face have been red!"
You're going to beat Rinoa up as well? This place just gets better and better!
Hahahaha!
Man, I should totally get some popcorn. 'cuse me a sec!
Not if I have anything to say about it!
But they're leaving. Poop. Well, let's check in with Squall, shall we?
AHHHHHHHHHH BAD TOUCH
"You're going to let me down and throw confetti while parading around in a tutu?"
"As far as I can tell, it's a bunch of people who grew up in a giant white silly place and consists of nothing but a hot-dog swallowing fagotron, a hot ex-instructor, someone who enjoys trains just a liiiiiittle too much, and one sublimely magnificent bastard. Why do you ask?"
This is Final Fantasy VIII. Nobody knows anything.
Brilliant observational skills.
Yes, it's "Throw the hot-dog eating git off a cliff at the first possible opportunity."
Why do people in games and movies always say this? It does nothing but make sure the person is going to keep on torturing you, because you just implied you do know the answer.
See?
"Awww, I love you too, buddy!"
"Retarded. Like everyone else during that sequence."
No, actually, this is where the fun for the prison ends. It's all hell from here on out.
Gameplay and story elements combining? INSANITY!
Hehehe.
It's hurting Zell. I'd say that's plenty of use!
And here comes a.... thing!
Hello, thing!
And Mean Guy as well! It's a reunion for all~
Aw, dammit! Zell learnt how to defend himself.
Though, his weapons are his fists. So.. uh.. you'd figured he'd already know how to attack, wouldn't you?
Ah, back to these two love-birds then.
DAMN IT, ZELL. YOU AND YOUR BIG MOUTH.
Stupid. Fucking. Zell.
Also, what?
Whatever it is, Squall. It better be good!
I need all the cool characters I can take in this game right now. Live, dammit!
Yeah, they'll never see through that. That's fucking solid, man.
Well, if Zell's not going to get the crap beaten out of him anymore, we may as well skedaddle.
TOO FAR OUTSIDE! TOO FAR OUTSIDE!
Shame they're all outside then, huh?
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Yeah, you guys are screwed.
Well, it's either he gets the weapons back for you guys, or tries, fails and is killed for attempted escape.
Either way, we all win.
Oh, please. That has to be the stupidest trick in the book. Who would fall for something that moronic?
...
One of these days I'll learn to shut my damn mouth.
Off your rocker, yes.
Just go and get yourself killed or something already.
"They were right. It is as stupid as it sounds!"
Kinky.
"Yo, we're here to shoot your face off!"
Two dead guards later~
Also, shut up, Zell.
I can't imagine they were particularly weeping over your absence.
"No, just one. The others are pretty chill."
WACKINESS!
Gotta give Biggs credit for gusto!
Shame it doesn't do him much good...
Right, let's make like diarrhea and run!
CHEESE IT!
And here starts the pain!
Okay, basically what happens here is that you have to run to the top of the tower (which is about.. 8-9 stories, if I recall). There are random battles all over the goddamn place, and each floor is identical to all the others. It takes forever to get anywhere, and it's so goddamn repetitive that my eyes nearly exploded just to try and mix things up a little for me.
Sooo much running.
"AHHHHH!"
"I was, until you showed up."
Gladly!
The arrow here is where the exit to this godforsaken place is. I put this here to remind you that everything after this panel is 100% Zell's fault. Again.
Shut up, Zell.
Yes. This is a legitimate point and a perfect reason for why we shouldn't do it.
Even the girls hate him.
Not that it's hard to, of course.
One quick lift ride in the completely opposite direction later..
Thank you, game. That was the single-most pointless conversation I've ever seen.
And it's not just me selecting wacky lines or anything. That's literally all they say after getting off the lift! Who the hell wrote this section again?
Gosh. Sand?! Well, guess we better go ALL THE WAY BACK UP AGAIN.
Of course, there may be positives to all of this yet.
FINISH HIM!
NOOOO DAMN IT SQUALL ... Where did you even come from that quickly anyway?
Sadly, what follows is... J-Just see for yourself, would you?
I'm going to go scrub myself clean with a wire-brush now.
Why would they animate it like that?!
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
Yeah, just kill 'em all. I honestly don't care at this point.
I'm done.
SUDDENLY!
The man was saving all of their lives, and you decide to kick him down the stairs for it?
What a bitch.
Gee, if only you hadn't fucked up so many times during the Timber incident, we wouldn't be here at all!
God, go sit in the corner with Zell. You're banned from my party forever.
Told ya.
Well too bad, missy! Because you're not coming with m-
Oh, fuck you.
And now I get the fun of wasting 10-15 minutes running to the top of the tower again!
Will the fun ever cease? Or start.
What a stupid fucking place. Stupid writing, stupid characters, stupid filler, stupid objectives, stupid everything!
Tell me about it!
Well, we've just run through those floors twice now, and just finished Squall's run. So the game designers decide to be nice and do a nice little black screen to show that time's pas-
OH GOD DAMN IT!
Son a shit-fucking-spew-pussing-mother-reaming-whore-cunt-face-fag-muffin-Zell.
This is no time for an orgy, Irvine!
Oh, thank the various Gods. We can finally leave!
This is where we should've gone in the first place!
. . . .
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEEEEEEE!
Let's just get the fuck out of this shitburg!
Here's what the prison looks like, if you're curious.
NO.
God, please.
ROAD-TRIIIIIIIP~
Um.. why did we stop in the middle of the road to discuss this?
Excellent. Well, let's head to the nearest town, grab a phone and give 'em a call.
Okay, so we'll call them as well. This is cool. Plenty of time to warn 'em and everything.
No, we really don't. That'd be asinine and suicidal.
I was going to do that anyway. We're not going to the base. This is stupid!
UH OH
Well, gosh, if only we actually did something instead of standing around talking about stupid things!
You.. really wanna go through with this suicide plan, don't you?
Exactly! I mean it's just common se-
Wait a minute.
...
OF COURSE!
Yeah, have fun dying and whatever.
Holy shit, this is the best idea ever!
Onwards!
To the missile base!
