Working as Intended

After that mostly uneventful stretch of mandatory filler (except for BRRROTHERS), it's time to press onwards with that wacky thing known as the plot. I wish I had more to write in here, but I blabbed on about it all in the last entry. I'll give my thoughts and feelings on everything so far in the next post~.



Let's get this shit underway, yo.





Right. So I've obtained the pointless code from the Tomb of the Unknown King, which was the easiest and least challenging task I've been asked to partake in so far. Not to mention it wastes supposedly vital time in this whole 'assassinating the sorceress' plot.

Of course now I have to waste more time running back because someone stole my car!




Frassin', frassin' kids these days and their brappin', friggin'..




GET OUT OF MY WAY.




Damn kids these days have no manners what so ever!




Well, I suppose they were nice enough to return the car to the station. Instead of someone finding it the next morning in the Galbadian Wastes, burnt up, tires missing and discovering a corpse and several pounds worth of blow in the trunk.




I'm here to finish the task you sent me on. Don't get snippy with me!




For some reason you have to enter the code in backwards. Like you go, 8-7-0.

I don't get it either.




Pretty sweet digs Caraway's got going on here.




Well, I suppose it has a lot to do with Galbadia being on the verge of a dictatorship, and the introduction of a sorceress into Deling's political playing deck certainly wouldn't make anyone feel saf-




YES THERE IS, SQUALL!

How am I supposed to enjoy the plot when I'm controlling a guy who seems to be trying to avoid the damn thing?




But worse characters to control certainly come to mind...




That fucker.

Also, why would you know that?




You? Complain? Never!




GASP AND ALARM!

Though that would explain the curtains...




"No. We'd never do that!"

...

"Is she gone? Everyone, pack your shit and lets get the hell out of here!"




An excellent question.




Chained up in the basement, if this man has any sense.




No argument here. It's about time somebody pointed that out!




Holy crap, I am so on-board with this guy.

This might be the first plan that actually goes well for us now!




"Don't remind me."




I SMELL SITCOM~!




Knock yourself out.




If she wasn't always in agreement with Galbadia, where the hell has Edea been hiding all this time, to the point where nobody knows her name? Did the Galbadian Navy just find her chillin' out on a little floaty chair in the middle of the ocean one day, and were all, "We be bringin' the mad skills, yo. Join us"?

That'd be kinda cool, actually.




Cool beans.




Um.. why are we discussing this in public? In the middle of the road?

Just outside the building the sorceress is currently in?




"You will here-on be known as [Team Phallic] and [Team Vaginal]. I hope you're cool with that."

Also, do the colours mean that TP is a location and TV is an instruction? I.. I don't get it.




While all of this is going on, Caraway is running around the street like a putz.

Could the Galbadian Military honestly not afford a little model of.. like, two streets and a few buildings to show how this works, so they have to jeopardize the entire operation by describing it aloud in public? Then again, Caraway is Rinoa's father, so maybe rampant stupidity runs in the family.




"This will give the sorceress plenty of time to protect herself, as well as block off most possible angles of attack."

You know what? Forget what I said. This plan is going to fail.




Thank.. you.. Squall?




AND I'LL FORM THE HEAD.




Zell doesn't get to join Team Phallic, as that'd require him to actually have one.




Um, everyone else? Duh.




Oh, shut up, Zell.




Well Quistis is the only one on that team with an IQ over single digits, so I'd say she's a natural for the role.




At least Squall has the right mindset. Though if it were up to me, Zell would be in a new team, called [Team Hurpadurp], where the only objective is to run up to the sorceress and flick her in the forehead.




Excellent. We'll start with yours.

Maybe I'm being too bitter.. I mean at least it's only just Zell that's bugging me. It's not as if Ri-




OH JESUS SHIT NO

WHO LET YOU OUT OF THE BASEMENT?!




Yes. He said you were an accident, and if he had the chance he'd have thrown you into the Galbadian Ocean years ago, you little wank-stain on the tissue that is life.




Oh shut the fuck up, Zell.




"I GRABBED IT BECAUSE ITS SHINY LALALALALALALALALA PRETTY THINGS LALALALA"




... You're not thinking about what I think you are, are you?

No. No, no. That'd be the most single-handedly retarded thing ever devised by a human. It's insanity.




"DURRR I KNOW LETS USE THIS COMPLETELY EXPERIMENTAL DEVICE THAT WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT WORKS AND JUST, GOD, I AM A GENIUS, GET THIS RIGHT? WE JUST WALK UP TO THE SORCERESS AND PUT IT ON HER ARM."

It's frigging foolproof.

Quistis is just standing there, quivering with rage. I know the feeling.




All very excellent questions!




And then she just storms off.

Screw that guy in the bar, Quistis is clearly my kindred spirit in this case.




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-Shut up.




It's just that it's a really goddamn moronic one.

Noticing a trend with those?




Yeah, well, sadly it's a two person job to take care of Zell. He isn't house trained yet.




That's a good question, actually! It's nice to see Squall finally bring up something in regards to the story.




Oh, nuts to you.




No, you really weren't. That was glorious!




Well, okay, she wants to be polite. I can get behind that, I suppose (grrr). As Selphie said, they're not exactly in charge of the hardest task in the world.




See? This could still turn out well.




WAIT, WHAT?!

That's it. I'm blaming this entire thing on Zell now. If the plan goes horribly awry and everyone gets caught and tortured by the Galbadians, everyone gets a free kick of Zell's arse.

You're stupid. Your team is stupid. This entire farce of an assassination is just stupid.




Good. Smartest thing that's been done all Disc.




Why is the door on an electronic timer that beeps really loudly? Wouldn't that just give the person inside plenty of time and warning to escape?




UH-OH SPAGHETTIOS.




Good riddance.




A fact that forces him to down a bottle of vodka every morning.




I like how she completely ignores her father's existence, because of idealogical differences, until it's something she feels she can benefit from. Bitch.




GEE WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?




"*sigh* I can't believe someone can honestly be that stupid.."




Okay, so here (and back in Timber) it's established that the Sorceress can just walk through metal (and possibly other things) and teleport like it's nothing, right? So.. what would be stopping her from just walking through the closed gates during the assassination plot, telporting up to Irvine and ripping his damn head off?

Was this entire scheme thought up by an eight year old or something?

No, wait, relative of Rinoa. Disregard.




Rinoa just follows Edea around for a bit, swaying back and forth like a zombie. Not saying or doing a damn thing.

I can't say I'm particularly weeping at my loss, here.




"WHOOOO LOWLIFES!"




"WHOOOO TYRANNY AND OPPRESSION!"




"WHOOOO HOPELESSNESS AND SOCIETAL RUIN! WHOOOOOO~"




Please be Rinoa, please be Rinoa, please be Rinoa, please be Rinoa, please be Rinoa, please be Rinoa..




YAY!

Also, shut up, Irvine.




One even might say cunning!

Which, unfortunately, brings me to my least favorite section of this Disc..




The Sewer Run.

Basically, you have to make your way back to the Gateway by running through the sewers. There are random battles every 20 seconds, almost all the screens look identical in practically every way, and occasionally there will be these little waterwheels you have to climb to reach a higher level.

But not every waterwheel is interactive, so you either have to memorize the way, look up a guide or navigate your way through using sheer dumb luck. It's like the Tomb of the Unknown King. Only mandatory.

And no map.




Meanwhile, up on the street, the parade has begun! The sorceress' float drives away from the palace, as it's surrounded by dancers who do moves from the Thriller music video.

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't motion-capture this shit!




"I'll get right on it!"




...




"So, how about the local sporting team event over the weekend? Pretty crazy~!"




"GAH! Fine. Whatever. Stupid Irvine and his stupid stupidness. YOU ALREADY HAD SELPHIE AS A BEARD. YOU DON'T NEED TO CONVINCE ANYONE ANYMORE. WE'RE ALL COOL WITH IT."




A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS.




But Squall and Irvine don't notice, because they're off pretending to be airplanes.

"Neeeeeowwwm!"




"Irvine wants me to save Rinoa, but stuff 'im. WHO HERE KNOWS ANY GOOD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES?!


Nobody? No?


...


YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF WEENIES!"




The two Iguions (GET IT?) inside are pretty darn squishy, and they hold a new GF! The only particularly nasty ability they have is one that puts Gradual Petrify on a single party member. But you can Draw and cast Esuna off them to get rid of that. So... yeah.




Awwwww~




Yeah, shit sucks. Anyway!




AHHHHHH GET OFF




I love Squall's expression here.




"Don't cock this up, like... Well, pretty much everyone so far in this mission. God, is this whole thing dumb!"




Ah, so he did notice mid-way through his gripping little plane reenactment.




It means Seifer's alive and was in the parade with the sorceress.



"Yeah, it's gonna be pretty rad. I'm thinking of having a kickass barbeque afterwards. There's gonna be all kinds of awesome dishes, drinks, friends. The works! Yeah, so cash.


Y-You... You can't come, by the way."




"I SAID I WAS GOING TO KILL HIM. NOT PROPOSITION HIM FOR SEX. WHAT IS WITH YOU?"

This is getting us nowhere. Let's talk to Irvine.




This mission is going so fucking well that my head just might explode from sheer glee.




Meanwhile, in the Sewers.

Still.








Bet ya wish you took that Art course now, don't ya?



After much running around, fighting, swearing and ending up back at the Caraway Mansion twice, we finally make it!




"Don't tell me what to do, you little maggot."




ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE




Then why did Garden send you on this mission?

Oh, right, because Headmaster Cid hates me. I swear, when we get back to Garden I'm going to punch that bastard right in his decrepit little nutsack.




"The signal being, "IRVINE DONE SCREWED UP REAL GOOD. WHAT A TOOL AM I RIGHT?"




*Bang*




Ohhhhhh, too bad!

Man, if only you guys hadn't trapped the float, making it really obvious to the sorceress that something bad was going to happen, then fired directly in front of her. Oh well, that's par the course for something as monumentally poorly planned as this.




Squall will have none of that, however. If a sorceress is meant to die, then goddamn it, one is going to die.




"NOT SO FUNNY WHEN I STEAL YOUR CAR, IS IT BITCH?!"




Broom-broom~!




Yeah. Kinda retarded, wasn't it?

Zell's just through the gateway door to your left if you wanna kick his arse.




OHHH SICK BURN

Oh, wait. No.




GIVE ME YOUR FACE.




Well that was... anticlimactic. Again.

Clearly 'lapdog' is codeword for 'bitch'.




o i c wut u did there




WHAT? WHERE IS THE OTHER TEAM?

You know, the ones in the gateway? Where all of this is taking place? A.. Are they off on the sidelines eating popcorn or something? That's an awfully long way for Rinoa and Irvine to run just to meet up here.




Whatever.

It's not like Edea's a hard fight. I spent 90% of the time, of course, just Drawing stupid spells. Ugh.

To her credit, however, she does have Tier III -aga spells, which do a fair amount of damage.




But it doesn't take long to defeat her anyway!




"An icicle? Oh please! You've been throwing Blizzaga at us for like five minutes now! What can a tiny icicle d-"








"o shi.."








"L... Little help, please?

Could someone just cast Cura or something?


Anything?


No?"




"Man, this blows. You guys suck!"




TOO CLOSE TOO CLOSE AHHHHHHHH




Don't mind if I do~!