Working as Intended

Well, if I want to finally complete Final Fantasy X-2, I have to do this, don't I?

I have to complete... the concert.

If you didn't hear an ominous crack of lightning, you live far away enough that you won't hear my screams either.

Let's just skip this pre-drunk babble and get it over and done with, shall we?

If the level of snide in the comments is higher than usual, which is a scary thought, now you know!










When we last left Jiggles Keisterheinie the III Esquire, she had just finished plummeting down a hole in the Djose Temple, where she experienced a minor psychotic episode wherein nothing made the slightest damn bit of sense (a nice change of a pace); including how she actually managed to get out of said hole at the end.

As the game swiftly moved on from that, in attempts to not actually have to answer any of the questions it presented, the Dullwings discovered that, ack, all was not right with Spira! Apparently figuring that the only way to calm the population down would be to have them all kill themselves, Paine sarcastically suggested singing, which the dingbats all took as the GREATEST IDEA IN FOREVER. I can only assume that since then, Paine has walked off and proceeded to bang her head against the wall repeatably at some point.

Or maybe that was just me.





Yeah, I too feel like punching her whenever she says that.





I honestly can't tell if everyone using words like slave and captive to describe people listening to Yuna sing is done entirely straight-faced, or if its the result of some smartass, and wonderful, writer sneaking in after-hours and inserting them into the script.





BUT HOW AM YUNA HELPING THE PEOPLE NOW BUDDY????





Oh, well that's okay, man. You can just teleport us back up and we'll try agai--





Or... maybe not.

Time for Operation: Go For a Frackin' Walk Already, Tubbs!





The mission, if it can so be called that, involves really angry Al Bhed debt collectors running after and threating to kill Tobli. Unlike the rest of us, who would see this event as a reason to pull out the popcorn and cheer wildly into the air, Yuna interprets this as a sign she should go help the little bastard.

Which is how she interprets everything, really.





As you can imagine, the mission involves chasing Tobli around the Moonflow and watching him get into some hilarious hi-jinks! Oh-ho-hoooo! What you can also imagine is that, thanks to their being random encounters every second step, my laughter wasn't so much laughter as it was swearing uncontrollably at my monitor. The differences between the two are subtle, but many!

Although, if you're the type that's clearly lacking brain cells and a reason to live anymore, and you're thinking, "FFX-2, while is this preeeetty annoying, surely there's something else you can do to make players hate every single byte on your disc?" The game has you covered! You sad, sad little person.





Once he's done running in one direction, and forcing me to go through several dozen random encounters, Tobli will then immediately spin around and run back the way he came. Now, the logical person would just try and catch him as he ran by, but that stuff don't fly on X-2's turf, yo. Every single time Tobli spins around there's a cutscene that involves him zooming by and Yuna just standing there going "Oh!"

I'm just going to continue on now, before I remember the details of this mission again and have to magnet my brain.





Replace show with game, and you just might be my kindred spirit, little one.





Loz's pre-Advent Children career was not very well known, nor illustrious.





Good, the little sod can stay there.





I KNOW

WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION FIVE SECONDS AGO FOUR FEET AWAY

GET WITH THE TIMES, RANDOM NPC





Hey, I didn't know the game could mimic what I was yelling at it. Neat!





Hmm, I'm thinking fillet chicken with a side of applesauce, myself.





It'll be a whaty.... what!?

THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!





As far away from me as humanly possible.





The Thunder Plains!?  Why would you choose there? That'd mean everyone would...





Would...


. . . .


Make it so!





I have thought they'd taught that in Sex Ed, Paine.





OH GOD! IT'S LIKE MY NIGHTMARES HAVE BECOME MANIFEST!

No, wait, if this were my nightmares then Yuna would be going to singAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--





When has that ever stopped her?





Oh, good. I am glad this happened and I am here to witness it. At least now my suicide can be tried in court as justifiable.





Ah, so the people who turn up for the concert later aren't interested so much as they were kidnapped.

This explains everything!





The Hypello, apparently beating me to the punch, plan to avoid going to the concert by means of ritualistic suicide.

Lucky jerks...





And with any luck they're all strewn across the Calm Lands now!





So now even those cowering in the back have to see Yuna strutting her stuff. Hooray!





What did he just say, Yuna?

This is how all the unknown backgrounds for everyone on the airship got started...





Brother's many years of learning Fantasy!German have finally paid off!





There's no expression in the mortal tongue to accurately describe how not a word that is!





But enough of that, apparently, because we've got mini-games to play!





Vocaloid, it aint... However, more importantly, the game designers forgot two little things. Namely:

1. That button prompts need to be easily viewed, and not crammed down in the bottom right corner of the screen.
2. A way to probably make sure the player can't just win by mashing buttons randomly.

As it stands, they did not, so I easily won just by slamming my controller against the desk for about 90 seconds.

Easy and therapeutic!





Not if they have any sense of self preservation they won't.





So you guys planned this concert... with no idea what you were going to sing?

I want to be surprised, but I'd just be lying to myself.





Yuna, meanwhile, just stands there and does the humming equivalent of "LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA"





What? Did she write 'hmmmm hmm hmmmm hmmmmm'?

I can only hope Rikku was being snarkily condescending. Although it didn't sound like it, which worries me greatly.





Oh, Yuna, why don't you just do us all a favour and go sign up for The X-Factor already? That way you can drone on about how your song is, like, this great and inspiring journey of self discovery and we get to see the judges mercilessly mock you!

It's the best of both worlds, and long as you're not you!





No. Yuna. I know you guys don't speak to each other often, but you could at least remember her name!





More than you know about your friends and co-workers, in any case.

I know I keep bringing it up, but I'm hoping my incessant pestering about the subject somehow leaks through my screen, into the computer, then onto the CD, wherein it changes the coding of the game and stops making these people act so damn stupid!





If you could feel what I'm feeling, you'd be retching.





Oh, god, don't remind me, Paine!

Well, may as well get one of the two horrors of this Chapter over and done with...





And so, we arrive to the final dick-move when it comes to 100% Completion in Final Fantasy X-2.

I never thought I'd see the day!

Unfortunately, this one's a real doozy. Okay, so you know how in the last entry we went from sphere to sphere, checking in on the locals and all that? Well, you pretty much have to do that after every single major cutscene/mission in Chapter 4. The game doesn't tell you this, but if you miss a single one, you're not getting that 100% completion, buddy.

Oh, but wait, it gets better!





Finding a commsphere cutscene isn't as easy as just clicking on a location and watching. A lot of times you'll get sequences where nothing at all happens, as shown above. This can occur 2-4 times, if not more, before a percentage-relevant cutscene shows up. Or, in some cases, nothing will happen until you zoom in on a very specific portion of the screen.

The last time I played Final Fantasy X-2, some four-odd years ago, I only finished the game with 99% completion because I viewed the Mount Gagazet commsphere fourteen times, instead of fifteen (no, seriously), and thus missed an all-important cutscene where Shoopuf and Hypello were bathing in the hot springs. This is the sort of thing that gives X-2 its infamous reputation among fans of the series.

But I've thankfully, and very thoroughly, gone down the list of cutscenes that need to be viewed here in Chapter 4, and when exactly you have to see them, and it's all worked out. Hopefully. I won't actually get to see if I stuffed up or not until Chapter 5, where it's far too late to fix any mistakes. Yaaaaaaay!

Now, where were we....





"They don't know anything about starting a proper fire!"





Well I know I'm convinced now.





Ten times zero is still zero, Beclem.





Hopefully not in the biblical sense.





Well, considering Chappu was a bit of an asshole, on account of the whole "abandoning Lulu with little warning, just as he was about to propose to her, so he could get killed by Sin with the stupid-ass Crusaders" thing, yeah, I imagine Wakka would look like all that and a bag of a chips by comparison.

So, Beclem, what I'm trying to say is that I think I can finally understand yo--





Lulu! Get your butt back in this game! I need more non-sucky party members!






You think that's bad? I'm the one who have to watch it!





What? For all of five seconds it took for you to go "I HAVE TO HELP EVERYONE EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO ANYTHING ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME"?





That would be the less irrationally bitter way of putting it, yes.





Too many?





Lulu promised not to share with anyone the fact that Yuna's just entered puberty.





Oopsy-daisy! I guess Wakka overhea---





DAMN IT WAKKA GET YOUR JUNK OUT OF THE CAMERA GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU





Swiftly moving on, the Kilika commsphere catches Dona reciting her poetry before she writes it down on LiveJournal.





I wish I couldn't see your hideous outfit. Does that count?





And then a Hypello enters the room.

... The less I know about that, the better.

Let's see what other globally important issues the citizens of Spira are tackling today!





Uh... huh.





Yeah, I'm just gonna leave now...





Get away from me, you freak!

God, what is wrong with Spir--





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARROHGOD!!

I... I could've gone a very long time without needing to see that, game. Thanks.





I think putting on pants counts as a precaution, Lucil.





Yuna, making people watch your singing in stunned silence doesn't count as calming them down!





I guess that's certainly one way of putting it.





Wasn't the original problem that Nooj was seen as being reckless and nearly triggering a war with New Yevon?





Because that was the only upside to holding the asinine thing in the first place?





Or, alternatively, he could not do that.





You having any authority over anyone sets a poor example.

God, that would have to be the worst job ever. Poor guys...





Yeah! Who needs regulation and discipline? If a famous person who isn't related to your organization, and has absolutely no familiarity with it, says you can skip work to watch her strut her stuff like a teenage attention whore, then pack up the bags, skippy, because it's time for a road trip!

Though this does mean there's a possibility of Yaibal getting fired, which would certainly help his subordinates out.





Would you like for me to go through the reasons alphabetically?





Oh, you'd be surprised the tripe this game expects me to swallow sometimes, Elma. What up?





I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!! GET OUT OF HERE, STALKER





Done!





Apparently is it, on account of you just saying it.

Imma go now.





That's because nobody likes you.

And when the resident Mary Sue doesn't care about you, cripes, you done goofed, son.





Or maybe you could give me back that 300,000 GODDAMN GIL YOU OWE ME





Yeah, you better run!





Unite Spira under a banner of screaming and terror, yes.

Have I mentioned that I'm not the biggest fan of Yuna's song choice or singing abilities? Just thought I'd slip that in.





I'm going to take this as Isaaru having a jab at Yuna, just because I can.





Wait! Wait!

Okay, the phone is set to auto-dial the hospital, and the bottles of absinthe and bleach are within frantic grasping distance.

Proceed.





I shoore am, yoo rashisht shtereotype!





And this is a bad thing.... why?






No, the concert is the hurtfest.





DON'T WORRY SHPECTATATATATORS! MAGICAL MARY ISH ON THE CASE!





This case leads us to a cave... somehow.

Never seen it before, but I'm sure I just missed it and the game totally didn't pull this area out of its arse. Honest!





YOU WILL BRING NO HARM TO THE SHPECRATTATAS, VILE FIEND!






A fair few people have a surprising amount of trouble with this boss fight, but never you worry! Here's the foolproof plan!

1. Berserker, Alchemist and Dark Knight dress spheres, go!
2. Select Attack, Mega Potion and Attack every chance you get.
3. Repeat this on every single boss battle in the entire game.

Done and done!





AND THUS SOLVES THE CRISIS WITH THE SHPECTRAMALAMADINGDONGS!





Ha-Ha funny, or Stab-Stab funny?





GET HIT BY LIGHTNING ALREADY YOU MOTHERFU--I mean, oh no! The crowd is unhappy!





Oh, I aligned myself with the Youth League at the start of the game.

Welp, guess I'm not worthy enough to hear the concept. I'll just see myself out, shall I?





Uh... every leader of every faction? That's why we're having this problem in the first place, you dingus!





"But being responsible for my actions makes my pretty go away :( "





I like how she does, for a split second, consider trying to weasel her way out of responsibility.





Rikku and Paine just stare blankly into the distance, being used to Yuna acting like a slumbernut.





OH GOD NO!

I mean, you're neato and everything, Rikku, but this concert is going to be hard enough on me anyway. Yuna doesn't need any frickin' encouragement. Plus, if you get in on it, then Brother will and I think I'd honestly have to consider stabbing my ear-drums at that point.





Horribly off-key and in the shower?




While everyone on the bridge is pondering what to do next, Brother's doing... uh... this?

The PCSX2 emulator really hates the Celsius bridge area, so I had to slam down the resolution just to get the poor video at a decent framerate. But, hey, at least now you know what the PS2 version looks like!





Well, may as well get this crime against humanity over and done with...





The Square-Enix/Toyota cross-promotion sadly never caught on.





... It Begins.





"In a Galaxy far, far away..."





The dreaded war between the Beast Wars and Generation 1 fanboys.

If you listen very closely, on nights like tonight you can still hear the faint cries of 'trukk not munky' in the distance.





Actually, that's not technically true, but I suppose it makes for a more dramatic argument.





"This is meant to be a concert, lady!"

"Yeah, where's the singing?!"

"THIS IS THE WORST STRIP SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN"





I love the "What the hell is she going on about?" looks from the crowd.

It's a sentiment I can relate to all too well.





Oh, gag.





I bet Vegnagun would love to test that theory, Yuna.





In that it makes me want to tear my ears off, I suppose that's true.




It's amazing how Yuna's voice magically changes to not sounding at all like her. That's talent, people!

All joking and snarkiness aside, the song is neat in that almost obnoxiously corny and melodramatic kind of way. And the FMV is spiffy, if only for finally showing Lenne, who's managed to elude us for so much of the game that it'd make Ultimecia green with envy.

So, yeah, that's the koncert concert.

Now I'm going to go bash my head into the desk until I get the song out of my head, lest I accidentally start singing it around any living creature and have to kill myself, and then them, out of sheer embarrassment.





'... what the jibbering ass-nuggets was that all about?!"





Oh, so the game's going to try and explain the Anime Music Video that we just went through? This oughta be good!

Okay, game. Surprise me.







... That didn't explain a goddamned thing!





That's what I'm sayin'!





Yes, dear, we're well aware of who it is. The question here is why.





... Well that was more information than I needed to know, Yuna. Thanks a million.





The concert was free, and yet everyone still demands a refund.






See, Yuna? Your concert was so bad it made people start crying and question their very existence. I hope you're happy!





So popular, in fact, that not a single mention of Zanarkand has included her up until now. Remarkable!





Oh-ho! And what talents would these be?





Oh, if only we could say the same for Yuna.






Oooooh. Nobody mention to Lenne the whole 'citizens of Zanarkand sacrificing themselves to make a Wall o' Corpses or being killed by Sin, which was kiiiinda summoned by their leader' thing to her.

Awkward.





See? It always pays to have at least one stalker around. You never know when they might come in handy!





No, the other crazy, Lenne-obsessed man who looks remarkably like Tidus and managed to sneak into Bevelle try to and steal their poorly designed mech, before being shot by the temple guards. Oy...





Dude, it is Shuyin. It was joking!





IT IS SHUYIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA





Understatement of the Century.

Or Millennium in this case, really.




"Uh... Are you okay?"

"Pretty! Eeeehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehehhehehehehehe...."

"I know, I know! I'm... just helpfully establishing the topic for anyone who might have started listening in now and wants to know what we're laying down exposition for."

"We're in the asshole of the planet. Who would possibly be within earshot?!"

"Shut up! You don't know!"

"Hmm, I appear to be dramatically pausing..."

"Yeah. I noticed."

"Okay, right. Where was I? Oh, yes! She--"

The problem with Shuyin isn't that he didn't know how Lenne felt. It's the whole 'oh god oh god I have to save her whoops now we've been brutally murdered and our souls are lingering around for eternity since we were never sent. Also now I'm controlling a giant world destroying mecha' aspect.