Working as Intended

At last! The finale of X-2 has arrived!

It only took me.... seven months to wrap up, but nobody can say that I'm not incredibly lazy dedicated! Huzzah and stuff, I guess! Actually, it was going to fly by me completely, but a few friends pointed it out and went, "Hey! You should do something special for it!" and then I was all, "No." and they were all, "DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT" and then I was totally like, "OKAY FINE GEEZ". Or so the legend says.

Unfortunately, I was all very prepared to waste many an hour writing up a colossal entry (about 980+ images), until Vista decided that working properly is vastly overrated in comparison to acting like a massive asshole, and it deleted about 80% of the images. I got a fair chunk of 'em back, but most are now lost forever to the virtual ether. Bugger.

This left me with two choices:

1) Use what images I did have to piece together the final chapter of X-2.
2) Just not do the entry at all, reducing every single individual on the planet to tears at the sheer loss of it all.

After the antics in Besaid, which is all fine and dandy, I'll have to basically just describe what happens, using images every so often to paint the picture. Not ideal, but ya gotta make the best of a bad situation!

Of course I could have just restarted the game and gotten back up to Chapter 5 again, but considering the requirements for 100% Completion, I would rather go skinny dipping in a Gagazet hot spring full of razor blades and lemon juice before I went through all that stuff again.

And on that charming image, let's dive into the final entry for Final Fantasy X-2!









When we last left Sanchez la Buttrump, she had held a concert to bring about the endtimes tell Spira to Don't Be Hatin' on each other. With that achieved, sort of, she and the rest of the Dullwings began the preparations for Operation We May As Well Take Out Vegnagun Already I Guess. Which, as near as anyone could tell, involved leaping into an impossibly deep hole and hoping the bottom was full of pillows and springtime giggles, as opposed to broken legs and shattered spines.





But before we do anything like that, we have some bitchin' spheres to watch!

So bring out the popcorn and the soda, and let's enjoy the movie magic, shall we?





Maybe they figured out it was the only way to escape the contract for this game?





"I'm instead going to join an organization that'll go on to wage a bloody and pointless war against fellow countrymen, just because they think we should do something different with a bunch of video-projecting spheres. That'll show them what's what!"





This wouldn't be the first time Baralai's had something long, hard and ready to blow pointed at his face.





With that.... whatever out of the way, we now get to the funnest bit of the game!

The Final Run Around and Talk to Everyone and Hope to God That I Didn't Screw Up Getting 100% Completion.

Yaaaaaaaaay!





Poor thing must've come out looking like spaghetti, thanks to that get-up of hers.

I mean, no! I'm sure it's common practice in Spira to shamelessly reuse an existing character model, even when it makes no sense uh, I mean... No, wait, I totally meant that.






A MINOR INCONVENIENCE?

WHY, WHO NEEDS A MAYOR OR ANYTHING LAME LIKE THAT WHEN MARY SUENA IS ON THE CASE!!





And by 'on the case' I obviously mean 'off doing something completely goddamn irrelevant'.





But having Yuna take a nap on the Celsius every chapter means that now we get a scene with Brother!

I don't know how the two are connected, and honestly I'd like it to stay that way.





Oh, so Brother has a new crush on someone?

Well, good for him! That incestuous lovin' he wanted to have with Yuna was honestly creeping me the hell out.





What a strange and complete coincidence that the two people Brother would pine for have similar names!

Yes. Yes, clearly this Mish Yoona is nobody we know and isn't a direct relative to Brother in any possible way!

Because that would be incest and that would be majorly mucked up.





Indeed it is. Go forth and cherish this mysterious and unrelated Mish Yoona with all your heart!





. . . .






If Yuna had any semblance of self-worth, she'd stop standing around with a thumb up her backside, stop eavesdropping, walk over to Brother and point out how seriously messed up this whole thing is. But no, since Brother is a living organism, Yuna feels compelled to SPARE HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE HE WOULD BE SAD OTHERWISE AND WE CANNOT LET PEOPLE BE OF THE MANY SADS FOR ANY REASON :(

Oh well, if she and Brother end up in the boondocks 10 years from now with their children running around with six fingers and two heads, she has nobody to blame but herself.





I think I'm starting to understand where all the X-2 erotic Yuna lesbian fanfiction comes from now. It's the only real possible pairing/s in this game that aren't screwed up five ways from Sunday.





And if there is a kind and just god, it'd stay that way,





Oh, I don't like where this is headed...





I... I don't... you can't... I.... but.... but... and the.... with...





Is it?

Is it really?





Two excellent questions.





Yes, please stop.





I don't even know where to begin, frankly.

I'm just gonna... and... go.





ONE PERSON.

IS THERE ONE PERSON ON THIS AIRSHIP THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY STABLE?!





Yes, it's a handy skill when having to chat with you.





Well... yeah?

Unless the group got around on Shoopuf-back when you signed up, of course it bloody well has!





Okay, Buddy, if this story ends with you and 'her' in bed doing the ol' machina maw mayhem, I'm just gonna stop you right here.





That brings up an interesting point.

What were these airships used for anyway? I mean FFX's was probably used to move about cargo and people and stuff, but the only possible use I can think of for the Celsius is that it was the ancient Spiran equivalent of a riced up 1970's El Camino with flame decals, neon lights and dubstep blasting through oversized speakers in the back.

I bet Buddy and Brother get all the mad chicks, fo' word.

Emphasis on mad.





So it was an average day for Brother then?





Now there's an interesting euphemism!





A gull you say? Well, I'm sure that had absolutely no impact on you or any future naming decisions you were in charge of.





Now, important question here.

Did the stupid flaming decals appear before or after you found the ship crashed in the ocean?





DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR





Uh... Buddy?





Yeah. Me too.





Right. Onto the first conclusion for all the Final Fantasy X-2 areas!

I was going to do this in order, but it seems if you do that, as any remotely sensible person probably would, it turns out there's a glitch where if you wrap up Zanarkand last you don't get a certain cutscene on-board the Celsius, which screws you out of 100% completion.

Even when you try to follow the game's warped sense of so-called logic, it still screws you over!





Yeah! No more nosy tourists peaking around Yuna's special place, and--

... now I really wish I reworded that sentence.





Yeah, stuff those people trying to pay their respects to the dead, or finally visit the city that was considering holy ground to their tick-worshiping religion for over a thousand years. Yuna gets to keep her PRESHUS MAMMARIES MEMORIES NOWZ





Or, if at all possible, be someone likable.





You know, Yuna having a Gollum-like obsession with her PRESHUSNESS would explain an awful lot...





"... and drive everyone who comes here out of business. Tee-hee!"





So people visiting sacred grounds is a big no-no, but letting monkeys have a hot, passionate root on the ruins is A-OK?

Good lord.





Awwwwwwwwwwww yeah!

This is how you know you haven't completely cocked up trying to get 100%. If you get Episode Complete, you're in the clear. But if you get the scummy, peasant-class Episode Concluded, then you're clearly horrible at this game, won't get a stupid cutscene at the end of it all and the game thinks you should just kill yourself.

That may have been slightly exaggerated.





But we're not done with the Sweet, Sweet Monkey Love Ruins yet, m'pretties. We still have to have once last  talk with Maechen and his expositiony ways!





I would like to hear something about Vegnagun that makes sense, yes.





Well that's because the FFX crew clearly hadn't thought of such a terrible idea it was bad and needed to be shunned forever!





At last! Vindication!





Just like Americans.

.... What!?





Why? Just drop it somewhere near Sin, call it a wanker and then leg it.





He wouldn't be a wondering wandering man of exposition for two games if he didn't.





In this game?






Ah, yet another poor soul to write down on the Spiran Carked It list.

Which only narrows it down to everyone on this godforsaken planet.





What a convenient explanation for how it was never brought up in the first game!

Oh, sorry, did I say convenient? I mean't clumsy and awkward.

I get those two confused all the time~ Haha!





"Only a soul like you could understand, as I do, the pain of feeling dead on the inside because of a sequel..."





It was a lady we have never met before, and honestly wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things, but Maechen feels a strange thousand year similarity between her and Yuna, which echoes through time as--Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. Of course it was Lenne.





I JUST SAID THAT!





Don't worry, the burning sensation and swelling tends to go away after a few days.





What is the deep significance of this, you may ask?

Why, absolutely nothing!

No, really. It doesn't mean anything. We may as well forget he even said it.





Man, if I was stuck in a wasteland with Yuna as my only real source of company, I'd be pretty down in the dumps too.





Hey, look! It's the trio that should've been the stars of this game.

No! Don't leave! Take me with you!

TAKE ME WITH YOU!





Well the mind is usually where memories come from, yes.





If I had my way, you'd be meeting up with him in a few short stabs minutes.





Right. Time to leave the monkeys to their rootin', we've got stuff to do, yo!





Fettuccine's got a rather nice ring to it.





Wakka tries to make ends meet for his new family by whoring Yuna out. Gotta put that bread on the table somehow, y'know?





Okay.

There is absolutely no way a child that big came out of Lulu, give how re-used thin she is! For goodness sake, she's still wearing a friggin' corset. Either the baby is secretly adopted, and the two did a piss-poor job of hiding Lulu's not!pregnancy, or the baby was so compressed that it came shooting out like a goddamn cannonball.





Man, you'd swear he was a baby or something. Outrageous!





It's a good thing he turned out looking like anything, given his living quarters for the past nine months.





"Accident. Oh, you meant his name? Well, crap, uh..."





It's a bit odd to say aloud, but I like it. Sounds exotic!





And now, for absolutely no reason and even less warning, the game magically expects you to figure out what you have to do next. That 'what' would be 'not go back up to the airship and assume you're done, given there's no further instructions, but to go down to the beach for a lovely little chat'.

Well, of course.





La, la, la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!





Yup! Little I-Think-The-Calm-Will-End-Before-Wakka-Makes-Up-His-Mind has a bright future ahead of him!

I know this because we haven't been subjected to another bloody sequel about it.





Okay, but it better involve keeping your pants on, mister.





Pffft, yeah. That's a good one!





Then, suddenly, Yuna mysteriously vanishes from the scene, due to... uh... magic.

Yeah, let's go with that.





Well, that... was a cutscene.

Time to run all the way back again!





Aw, that's okay, Wakka. He left you a present to remember him by!

You should be able to see the smoke and ashes any second now...





Since we're near the end of the game, let's have a little pattern recognition test, shall we?

Okay. What do the contents of this here video sphere contain? Is it:

1) A deeply emotional and tearful look into a character's backstory and past?
2) A equally meaningful examination of previous life on the island?
3) A shocking reveal of some previously unknown, but subtly foreshadowed, plot point?
4) Something completely bloody pointless.

Right. Pens down, all. Let's see!








For those of you who chose 1)? Guess what! You'd think you might be correct, but since the nature of this supposed sphere and Chappu being a lying little sod about it all was actively discussed when we first reached Besaid in Chapter 1, of all places, this sphere falls directly into 4) Completely bloody pointless.

I'd tell you to give yourselves a pat on the back, but I don't want to be deafened by the sound of everyone doing that.





Because your brother's kind of an asshole. We've been over this!





Right, back to even more running!





SHUT THE HELL UP!





The fire being what little remained of Besaid, after Beclem's little present.





Oh, is it time for the nightly kidnapping and ritual sacrifice already? Hot dog!





'Vidina' is Al Bhed for 'Future' 

Which sounds all sweet and meaningful, as it signifies that Wakka's gotten over his cultish hatred of those 'sand-blasted grease-monkeys', but it's pretty much like a Japanese person calling their child Kumquat or something. Sounds oh-so exotic in another tongue, but the people who actually speak the language are just going to think it's stupid.

But, in that, I guess there's no greater sign of this child belonging to Wakka.





"Because lord knows I'm capable of it! Haha! I'm gonna give the child a complex, ya?"





I think your poor child has a thing or two to say about the nature of being crammed.




And you were terrible at every single one of those things.





Fatally excessive booze and drugs for all. Hooray!





"Now, we're supposed to throw the baby into the fire to keep it warm, ya?"





D'awwwwwww~

Though that is rather sad, when you think about it.





You could also not bother me. I'd be totally okay with that.





BAM!

Right. So what's next on the list?





Next up on the list of damn it i hate vista so much Fun: This Time With Less Images is good ol' Kilika! Thankfully nobody gives a flying arse about Kilika, so the lack of images here is dandy. Basically, Yuna and Pals arrive in down, where the citizens were so OMG MOVED BY YUNA'S ANGELIC SINGING that they've decided to put their differences aside and become More Accepting and Better People.

Fantastic.





Also, Dona and Barthello get back together, which is a massive shock to the system, let me tell you!

Although the fact that they still insist on keeping their relationship like the one they had as Summoner and Guardian is... kinda creepy, really. I'm sure it's meant to be sweet that even though the world has changed, these two can still adore each other as much as they always have, but all I see with my mind's eye is some really terrible and kinky 'Guardian' role-playing sessions late at night.

And I passionately hate my mind for it.

Anyway, let's move on before you dwell on that for too long.





Those Call of Duty releases just sneak up on ya, don't they?

Actually, Blitzball season has finally arrived again in Luca! And by 'finally' I mean 'Nobody cares because it's not mandatory'. Not that it matters, since the Dullwings can't actually play the sport, thus robbing me of the joy of seeing Yuna get thwacked in the skull by a giant underwater ball. Instead, you take on a managerial position, which is about as fun as it sounds. Oh, baby!

But since we don't need to do it for 100% Completion, which is odd but whatever, we can gleefully skip it entirely!





Yeah, given Wakka's track record of... anything, honestly, he'd probably just try and use the poor sprout as a blitzball.

That or eat it.





And because a trip to Luca just wouldn't be complete without yet another reminder of that laughing scene, Yuna has to have a Special Moment regarding her Precious Memories that apparently nobody else on that Pilgrimage was allowed to have. Where's the flashbacks and monologues about Rikku's journey, huh? Though I imagine that would mostly consist of, "Yay! I'm Yunie's guardian! Hee. This is soo kew-OH MY GOD WAS THAT LIGHTNING WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

Also, for no reason (the running theme in this game), Yuna has to run around Luca to trigger these memories, which manifest as a giant floating Moogle.

No, really.

And no, having screenshots wouldn't have it make more sense. It... it just wouldn't.





Next up, the thrilling conclusion to the Mi'ihen Machina Mayhem Mysterious Mystery!

For those of you who weren't keeping track of the events, and I can't possibly imagine why, in every single chapter I've had to do some stupidly specific things to make sure that a one Ms. Rikku Doesnthavealastname gets caught for making the machina go berserk! How? Why, by dropping down and hitting one in the head with her butt back during that stupid Calli/Chocobo Kwest!

And, yes, it pretty much has to be Rikku. If anyone else causes the machina to go bonkers, this somehow distorts the time-space continuum and makes it so Mish Yoona can't get 100% completion because of something that isn't at all related to anything she'd been doing in any way.

Excuse me while I go bite down on my thumb for a while.

So what horrid, yet fitting punishment does Rikku get for this heinous crime!





Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa





Hey, maybe she'll find the script for this game while she's down there?





Next up on the Hopefully Didn't Screw Up Tour '11, Mushroom Rock Road!

Which doesn't really have many mushrooms, or mushroom shaped rocks, but details.





She just sang a sappy song, for Christ's sake! The lyrics weren't even related to the conflict you guys were having!

I mean, okay, music's just spiffy and all that, but I don't think it's a proven and determined way to solve issues of global importance. Despite Yuna's disgusting level of Mary Sue Love and Happiness powers being included. It'd be like Bob Dylan holding a concert and having it miraculously solve the Cuban Missile Crisis.





How about I go punch Yaibal in the back of the head. Does that count?

Not that that's going to stop me.





As if in an attempt to make his perpetual whining and ass-kissing up to me, you can actually fight Yaibal in the tournament.

Not gonna lie. I may have taken more gleeful pleasure in that than I'd care to admit.

hehehehehhehehe





At the end of the tournament (which is really just Yuna running up Mushroom Rock Road and fighting Youth League members who stand around and stare into space, doing their best Pokemon Trainer impersonation) you have to fight Lucil; who would be a threat with her Silence attacks if any of the girls were using an MP-reliant job.

They aren't, so I won. Woo-hoo, yippee, and all that jazz.




Oh, kiss my arse some other time.

After this, Lucil goes on this massively long and, more importantly, boring spiel about how the Youth League must CHANGE ITS WAYS because THEY'RE NO BETTER THAN SIN RIGHT NOW, what with the running around and stabbing people who aren't themselves. If they do this then THE FUTURE CAN BE A BETTER PLACE FOR CHILDREN and it's all thanks to LADY YUNA!!

I'd say it's more thanks to Lucil, who seems to have her stuff together ever since Nooj left mysteriously, and has kept the group from becoming a bunch of wandering thieves and murderers, but she isn't OMG YUNA so clearly she isn't as important, and will never be mentioned in any of the history books.

I think this is how religions get started.





That's definitely one way of putting it.





Or maybe it's because digging is a bad mini-game and you should feel bad!





Inside, the girls meet some Al Bhed who insist on having them try out 'the Experiment', which is just a boring ol' machina boss, instead of something sexual and disturbing as the name and nature might imply. The gimmick to this boss is that after you fight it once, you can go *sigh* digging for upgrades parts on Bikanel Island and super-charge the Experiment, thus getting you the Episode Complete for Djose.

Only thing of worth is an amusing scene where Paine trolls the crap out of Yuna's lack of Al Bhed knowledge, making her say something along the lines of "You can take this tin can and shove it!" to the poor Al Bhed repairmen.

But since I haven't gone *sigh* digging yet, we'll have to wrap this up a little whiles later. Back on the road!





If I had my way, the concert and all involved would end up screaming and on fire.

No, I don't think I have any emotional instabilities. Why do you ask?

*twitch*





Tobli decides to reward the girls for the Concert of Horrors with a chance to RIIIIIIIDE ZEEEE SHOOOOOOOOOPUF??

Which really isn't a reward, since I could just ask that damn Hypello by the Moonflow to let me do just that anyway, but that lame ol' Shoopuf doesn't have Little Miss Mary Suena frolicking down below in front of cameras, like the attention whore she is. Nor does it have Rikku chillaxing on the roof and Paine looking like she's rightfully five seconds and a brief ping of judgement away from massacring the whole wretched lot of them.





Bitch, don't get my hopes up.





Next up on the Thankfully Rapid-Fire Trek Through Spira is the city of Guadosalam. Full of good memories!

Like remember that time when Seymour manipulated Yuna into marrying him so he could become her Final Aeon when she fought Sin, allowing him to kill her, take over Sin and then destroy the whole world and everyone on it so they wouldn't suffer from a poor sequel any more pain? Ah, good times...

Anyway, Trommel and the rest of the Guado are back in Guadosalami, and they brought those stupid doomed instrument playing... things along with them, since apparently their music was SO SUPER AWESOME that it made the Guado stop being pathetic little whiners and actually do something about their supposedly terrible and sad fate.

However, unlike Yuna's musical ambrosia, I wasn't subjected to the animal's concert. So I guess that's a plus.





I'd say that the Ronso are pretty justified for hating the Guado, since Smugmour did kill all of them, except we know now he totally didn't, since I've seen a metric ton of them gallivanting around Gagazet, and Spira in general, so... what the hell?





What game have you been paying attention to, Yuna?!

Hell, during Chapter 1 and 2 you were talking crap about the Guado to the Ronso. So don't you start, missy!





Oh-ho! I smell phat loot~!





WELL TOO BLOODY BAD FRUITCAKE BECAUSE WE'RE DOING IT ANYWAY!





See? Two Ronso we know exist!

Either they're harder to kill than adamantium cockroaches, or Seymour's the worst genocidalist ever.





Oh, I just bet you'd love to climb their 'mountain'.





Onwards to more paranoia!

My entire plan during this chapter was that if it turned out I wasn't going to get 100% completion after everything I've done, I would calmly put down my controller. Calmly walk out of the room. Calmly catch a flight to Japan, and then calmly shove my foot straight up the game director's ass.

And then I'd get angry.





Once more, the lack of images actually saves the day!

All the Macalania scene involved was Yuna walking up to the pond where she and Tidus totally made sweet, sweet lovin' underneath the pyreflies, thus subjecting countless future generations to seeing projections of that moment whenever they enter the area. Yuna then tells Paine and Rikku that she Needs A Moment To Herself, and then she walks back to the two, as shown above.

Captivating!





But we're not through with MACARENA TEMPLE FOREST just yet. We've got to pay a special visit to one other hopefully doomed soul.





If I could get away from O'aka, I'd start running and never stop...





That thar boy be using them logicy words! We don't take kindly to thems in these-here parts, city boi!





It's hard to see, but Rikku and Paine have already started walking away from the three rimrods.

I wish I could do that...





Yaaaaay!

However, before we go, there's one thing that needs to be done.





3...

2...

1...





BOOOM! AAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

Ahem.

Sorry.





Moving on, or backwards in this case. There's a Very Special Mission to be done in the Thunder Plains. It seems that Shinra's commsphere device thing that displayed the anime music video wet dream during the concert last chapter has caused fiends to appear and become very, very ticked off at nothing in particular.

At least I can sleep happily, knowing I'm not alone in thinking the concert was rage-inducing.





Despite the gripping and dramatic music that plays during this mission, all you have to do is waltz up to each of the towers, kill the Chimera that are headbutting them for no adequately explored reason, and then kill the Big Boss, Humbaba at the end.

Humbaba is a bit of a dickcheese, what with his casting Meteor and all, but since he's a boss battle in Final Fantasy X-2, he's not difficult enough to be considered especially noteworthy.

Moving on! Again!

We'll be coming back here in a sec' anyway.





That's what this game needs.

In Bevelle, the New Tick Worshippers are more than ready to let bygones be bygones with the Youth League, all because of Hotpants McGee over here. Maroda is there too, sulking over how everyone loves Isaaru, which is the first time in this game that someone's been praised that isn't Yuna! Anyway, that's about the meat of it. Aren't you glad that the game takes its time to wrap up ties with every single extraneous NPC on the planet before the it ends? I know I am!






And then there's a nice little bit of Yuna-bashing. Why doesn't every location have this?

Unfortunately for my well-being, Yuna doesn't get the hint and is all "OMG WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TELL MEEEEEEEE" all the way to the fadeout. Sigh.





Inside the New Yevon HQ --which consists of old people (ie: people over 18) walking back and forth, accomplishing nothing of significant value-- we find Pacce and his group of mini-wankers as they discover a portal to Hell. Oh, you crazy kids and your ritualistic goat sacrifices~!





Unfortunately, it actually leads somewhere far worse than Hell.

No, not Brother's secret Yuna shrine. Good guess, though. Creep.




Welcome to the Via Infinito, ladies and gentlemen!

Or, as its better known, Oh Dear God Why Won't You Just Sodding End Already: The Dungeon!

The Via Infinito, for those of your lucky enough to not know of its existence, is a dungeon that consists of one hundred randomly chosen floors, with a boss battle at every twenty or so. While being about as much of a rip-snorter as it sounds, any accessories you have that block Random Encounters won't work here, so you'll have to go through every single damned battle on your way down the many, many, many, many levels.

Also, several floors have mobs (King Tonberry and Elder Drakes being the most popular) that will hit a non-high level party for 10,000+ HP. In case you haven't been keeping track, that's for... oh, four times as much health as any of the girls currently have. So, yeah, be prepared to reload your save after being insta-killed. A lot.

To make a blinding statement of the obvious, Yuna and her Lesbian Cohorts aren't nearly as prepared for this as I'd like, so it's time to make like a tree and get out of here.





Back to the Thunder Plains for an event I didn't do the first time around because... uh... Yup!

Random Al Bhed Guy says that since we defeated the oh-so strong Humbaba, a cave has appeared nearby.





Now there's a phrase I bet Yuna's used to hearing.





Why is that all the new locations in FFX-2 are giant, bland corridors with no discernible features? Why, one might get the slight impression that the game designers weren't putting their full effort and attention into this project, which we all know is completely not true!

Snide aside, hee, the objective here is like any other X-2 dungeon: Run to the giant red arrow, and try not to get lost.

I managed to accomplish one of those things, at least.





Hi :D





Given the pose he's in, I'm starting to wonder that myself...





Cid's attempt to explain to Rikku where babies come from did not go over well.





But who needs that when we have a random and out-of-place boss battle!

The gimmick to this fight is that the little satellite thingys block any and all attacks that have been used against them in the past. So, if you've used everything... then, uh, have fun with that. One trick is to just throw L-Bomb items until they all go to that big machina machine faction in the sky. Once the little ones dealt with, the big penis-cannon machina goes down faster than Shion at the Vector Christmas party.





So far so good!

Which just makes the possibility of failure even more irritating and paranoia-inducing. I love this game sometimes.





Our seventh and final trek through Spira is nearly at an end.

I'm sure this is meant to be a very wistful look back on everything, but all I can think about is if I screwed anything up during the previous 4 Chapters and how it'll come back to bite me in the arse. Such is life when you're going for 100% completion.





In a remarkable change of pace, we find that Garik and Kimahri are having leadership problems on Gagazet.

Troubling! Not at all overused or trite at this point.



Maybe Kimahri should consider wearing pants then?





Well, as long as someone did.





That's because the mountain can't talk. We've been over this, man!





Oh, just shut up and kiss him already. It's obvious there's some unresolved tension here.

I'd go to the Internet for proof of that, but I'd prefer not having to bleach my brain, thanks.





POW!

Unsurprisingly, this sets of Yuna's Moral Authority alarms something fierce.

What is surprising however is that she manages to keep it to herself for once.





Yup. This whole mess could've been solved hours ago by Garik realizing that acting like a giant douchewaffle is not the best course of action. Also, seriously, why didn't Seymour kill these guys? Garik doesn't seem like the type to hide behind the rocks cowering. I think Seymour was being a big lying butthole about the whole thing!

Or, far more likely, the game designers never paid one iota of attention to the previous title.





I like how Kimahri had to get in at least one "I'm the leader, bitch!" gloat.





Afterwards, everyone celebrates the moral victory as Kimahri makes this big, important speech about how they must stop looking and dwelling on the past so much, and just get over it in order to embrace the Future and all that typical Let's Not Be Assholes speech malarkey that happens in these games.

While the speech is rambling on, Paine feels the need to poke fun at Yuna, since Yuna's spent this entire game going on about her PRESHUS Memories and boring the hell out of us all in the process. Paine's kind of awesome like that.





"Death to the infidels!"





Woo-hoo!

I swear if I see the word 'Concluded' appear at any point I'm going to sepukku the hell out of myself.





It's time to see if all that off-screen running around Spira and talking to everyone who breaths --or doesn't, given the epidemic of unsent on this planet-- during every chapter has paid off!

God, let it have paid off...





Please.





AHAHA! SUCK IT, RANDOM OPEN AIR EMPLOYEES WHO ARE NOW OUT OF BUSINESS!





As a reward for the countless hours spent trailblazing up and down Spira more times than I'd willing admit without consuming alcohol, Yuna and Co. can now play mini-games! The exact same mini-games they've had the option to skip entirely, because they're terrible, since Chapter 1.

Oh, tedious mini-games, how fun!

Oh, look, a fork! I think I might stab myself in the neck with it.



Speaking of neck-stabbings, we've only got three more major Chapter events left in X-2. Unfortunately, they need a stupidly high level party in order to reliably tackle, so I'm just going to be here for the next dozen or so hours grinding up levels and abilities mindlessly. Don't mind me.

No, really, I'm not nearly as insane from the seething, blinding monotony as I thought I'd be.





But I'm... not.. on a Chocobo?





Right, back to GRINDAN.

If it weren't for a certain mission that's going to come up soon, I'd be complaining an awful lot more about this.





Back to the Via Infinito of Infinito...ness.

Like most of X-2's areas, as mentioned, the Infinito is pretty darn bland. The dungeon only really starts to get more interesting when hugemongous mobs appear from Floor 50 onwards. Not nearly as tough as they look, but, well, that's another X-2 thing I've mentioned a million times before. So let's just move on, shall we?





The first boss worth mentioning is Concherer. If only for his stupefyingly high 350,000 HP.

He can only kill one of the girls at a time, which, oh will he ever. However, because of that, it means the other two girls can wail on him constantly and he honestly isn't as tough as his size or reused model of a tough FFX optional boss would have you believe.

Or, if you really want to, you can just use Lady Luck's Bribe ability and make him go away forever.

But before we press further on, you may be asking yourself, "What's the deal with this stupid place for jerks anyway? Who is in charge here?" Well, good thing Encyclopedia!Paine is here to solve all our queries. Paine?





Bless you.

But that's enough plot, according to the game, for now. We have even more levels of fun to go through.

Yippy-skippy...





Oh, goody gumdrops, another 20 floors ahead of me of seeing just this!

I think my sarcasm glands have gone into cardiac arrest by this point.





Worth pointing out (sort of) is that before each boss battle, the fiends take the appearance of a certain character from Final Fantasy X. Floor 20's boss took the appearance of Maester Kinoc, who you may not remember even existed at all. Floor 40 had you battling Jyscal Guado, who was the father of everyone's favourite failure of a genocidalist, and has an amazingly original surname to boot. Floor 60 had Concherer, who was Maester Mika, the old fart who kept insisting that Yu Yevon was just the bee's knees.

And at floor 80, we have Chac; a completely unremarkable boss whose only thing of note is that s/he has the form of Lady Yunalesca (seen above, all tiiiiiiiny-like) before the fight. I have no idea if this actually is Yunalesca or if it's just Chac doing a rather remarkable cosplay, because it's not like the game ever bothers to explain any of it in any way.

Long story less long, Chac is a weenie and is killed within 5-turns. Go me, or something.





Compared to what I have to do next, I would prefer to stay down in the Via Infinito forever, Rikku.

FOREVER.





Despite the game saying that the Chapter is complete, we've gone one more soul sucking escapade to play out here.

If you can cast your mind all the way back to Chapter 2, you may remember that Clasko, everyone's favourite Chocophile, set up a breeding ranch down where the old Monster Arena was. Unfortunately, since Clasko has proven to be incapable of doing anything at all in any possible way by himself, it's up to Lady Yuna and, more importantly, the irritated 24 year old controlling her, to hunt down Chocobos and send them on their way to the Lovin' Shack.

But of course it couldn't be as easy as that. Afterall, this is Final Fantasy X-2; a game that clearly hates everyone single individual that plays it. When you hunt down and capture a Chocobo, it's given a Maximum Level potential ranking and a personality. You see where I'm going with this, right? In order to get the Episode Complete for this place, you need to find a dungeon that contains an Amazing Chocobo, but the only way to find it is to catch four Bold-natured Chocobos that have a Maximum Level Potential of 5. Which means you have to fight/capture a crapload of them in Kilika or the Thunder Plains or wherever, fly to the Calm Lands, run across to Clasko, speak to all the Chocobos and then release 99% of them when it inevitably turns out they've got the wrong nature or level potential. Then the whole cycle of misery repeats itself.

Oh, but it doesn't end there. Once you've got four of the damned things, you have to send them out to the Calm Lands to search. Can't be anywhere else, and the game gives you absolutely no indication that searching here will uncover anything. Anyway, you need to make around 4-6 search trips before you uncover the dungeon, but the catch is that there's a chance that one of the Chocobos will run away from Clasko and his perverted bird loving. While good for the bird and all, it means I have to reset the game and try again. Many, many, many, many many times.

Also, the only way to make time pass between sending the birds on their way and having them return is to fight around seven random encounters. You know, because the whole process wasn't nearly as tedious and annoying at this point as it could be.

There is no way anyone on this planet uncovered this without the use of a strategy guide. I refuse to believe it.

Thankfully, there is a silver lining...