Final Fantasy X-2 - Part Twelve
Posted on 8/31/2011 by Trambapoline
Oh, it's only been a two month break this time between entries? A new personal record!
Actually, the break would've probably been longer, if not indefinitely, had a friend not given me the oh-so shiny birthday present of a new ergonomic-keyboard-thiny. Possibly because of my constant bitching about my old, lame and totally adopted keyboard cramping my hands like a mother. So now, with new keyboard in hand, let us bravely venture back into Spira: The World Where Nothing Makes Sense~
When we last left Gluteus McFundamentfanny, she had finished recovering from a drug trip wherein she believed she was talking to a giant cactus on Bikanel Island. You'd think someone in the first game would've mentioned this but
Swiftly moving on before my brain herniates itself, Yuna also continued her trek around Spira for the fourth bloody time, where she continued to act like a spoilt, self-righteous snot and was so very, very shocked to discover aeons in the temple! Something that continued to shock her at every single temple encountered.
New Yevon and this game's plot have something in common then. O SNAP
Also, I am so down with more and more locations refusing to accept SOOPAH YOONA's help. I'm sure it's because they're starting to have confidence in themselves and all that, which is great, but I prefer the notion that they're all getting sick of her conceited outbursts and want nothing to do with her anymore.
No, I'm not projecting! What are you talking about?
Oh, I just bet you'd love to give Baralai a ride on your lift. Wink.
I know we've been through here a few times now, but this cloister still royally pisses me off.
I think I'm developing a complex.
"Oh, sweet Yevon, is THIS what I've been dressed up in this entire time!?"
Probably scouring the place to make sure he didn't miss anything completely arbitrary for the 100% completion.
Like, join the freaking club, Gippal.
And just in case you didn't think it was entirely stupid the first time the game tried it, more chain-surfing!
Why?
"Why didn't you guys tell me what I've been wearing!? I mean, what the hell?"
"Paine, are they gonna make out? Are they gonna make out right now?"
"Yeah, missing from my bed!"
"God, shut up, Rikku. Everyone knows that man-gay isn't allowed in this game."
"So, like, is Nero related to Dante or something? Because, man, I'm so confused about that!"
Yes. The distinct lack of Vegnagun in the Vegnagun holding chamber does hint at that notion, Baralai.
What? He just said the damned thing was missing, not that it magically came to life and pissed off to parts unknown.
Then again, apparently cacti are well known for this habit in Spira, so what the hell do I know?
Out of Context Theatre presents~
Yeah, because when creating a weapon of mass destruction the first thing you install would naturally be the ability to make it achieve sentience and totally freak out when something remotely hostile is nearby. What a marvelous invention!
And who exactly green-lit this!?
"Sir! Sir! I've just created the answer to all our machina problems!"
"Oh, god, what is it this time, Jenkins?"
"Okay, so hear me out on this one, right? Right. Okay, so my idea is that we create this gigantic mech, right?"
"Right."
"Right. Okay, and I've finally figured out how to make sure nobody can harm or steal it in any way!"
"Continue..."
"What we do is, god this is so genius, what we do is program it so it achieves sentience---"
"What?"
"---stampedes around like a frightened child and then mysteriously vanishes off into to bowels of the planet whenever someone tries to harm it."
"Harm it?"
"Yes!"
"As in, during any and all fights it would find itself in?"
"Yes!"
"... You know there's no goddamn way I'm going to approve this, right?"
"Too late! Already installed it!"
"..."
" :D "
You and every single person who's played this game.
Ah, the giant war-mech equivalent of a one night stand.
Words I imagine the writer of this game had to utter to the director many, many times.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER :D
I know what you mean. I trusted him too until he burnt down Nibelheim. The bastard.
"SHUT UP AND MAKE OUT ALREADY"
"Rikku!"
Huh.
And they said a revolver with a hexagonal bullet chamber would never catch on.
"Hey now. In my defense, I thought it was pretty damn funny."
I know this is meant to be really tense and everything, but all I'm noticing right now is that Gippal's pants are exactly like Eiko's.
I'd think that drawing inspiration from a six year old's attire would be mighty weird, but this is Gippal we're talking about here...
Except for the part where I don't understand what the buggering bell-ends is going on, sure.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN
I'm sorry, Nooj. You lost me at the part where you suddenly turned batshit loco.
I'd make a certain joke here, but it would be in insanely poor taste.
Just like Nooj's clothing. BOOSH!
Well... That happened.
Whatever the crap 'that' might be.
SUDDENLY! MALBORO OUT OF NOWHERE!
I'm not sure if Malboros in X-2 have been nerfed or if I'm just that good (Ha!), but the poor thing died before it could unleash Bad Breath. Let that be a lesson to you, Malboro! Next time maybe you'll think before you suddenly interrupt a cutscene for absolutely no reason outside of providing a really weak reason for Nooj, Gippal and Baralai to exit out of the chamber without anyone noticing.
See? What did I freakin' tell ya!
Escape how exactly? The Malboro and the girls were blocking the only exit out of this room!
NO!
This coming from the people who can't even be arsed asking Barkeep for his actual name.
This is also true, and directly goddamn related to my above comment.
Yuna manages to even make asking for backstory sound halfway sexual. A rare talent.
"TELL US ALREADY GOD WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD US YET PAINE WHAT IS YOUR DEAL??"
And the scene, rather oddly, ends with Paine looking like she wants to stab Yuna in the face.
Oh, Paine. We've all been there before.
And will probably be back there again very shortly.
Huh. I guess Baralai's balls really did drop.
Now there's a mindset Yuna could certainly learn from.
Oh well. Those spheres aren't going to watch themselves! As much as I wish they would at times.
"Therefor, you will be blindly rushing in with absolutely no back-up whatsoever. What could go wrong?"
"Those who don't will become formal members of the Who Gives a Right Damn You're Dead Now Squad. Not that it matters since everyone is going to be fine and we'll all go out and have some tasty Yevon Burgers afterwards~!"
"Oh, did I also mention most of you won't be getting weapons? Pretty sure I did, as it's kinda important and another reason why this mission is going to be just swell and nothing bad will ever happen in any way!"
"Well... crap."
What a tough question. Should we ignore Brother? Well, we might have to think abo-Yes.
Well that's what he gets for mysteriously vanishing for no real purpose, doesn't he.
"Oh my god! You read my fanfiction to--"
"NOT LIKE THAT, RIKKU."
Yup. Uh-huh. That's whatever you're talking about for you.
That's the most needlessly obtuse way of saying Not Good I've ever heard!
Our cue to leave because this place sucks?
Exposed Buttcheeks to the rescue!
Oh, gee, I wonder what that is... It's not like we've encountered them in every single temple we've been too or anything.
Someone's going to say it.
Someone's going to completely kill my brain cells and say it, aren't they?
. . . .
Would you kindly excuse me for a second?
WHY YOU FU--
Okay.
Okay.
I think I can proceed now.
God.
I'm sorry, did I miss an everything while I was gone?
Unlike his non-Yojimbo aeon counterparts, Dark Ixion can actually put up a relatively decent fight.
Not that he does. Just... well, y'know. He could.
These boss battles are boring. NEXT!
If my childhood of playing Sonic games is any indication? Spikes.
Or a free life, depending on if it wants to be a dick or not.
Your innuendo-laden sentence is not helped by the worryingly suggestive leaning pose there, Yuna.
JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP
That would be your increasingly apathetic common sense there.
JESUS CHRIST ITS A BOMB EVERYONE HIT THE DECK
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee~
The greatest thing about this is that I wanted it to happen and then it did.
Elsewhere! Yuna accidentally finds herself stumbling into the ending for Final Fantasy VIII.
Quick! Believe in a place where you can meet your friends and dreams! It's apparently the only way!
UPSIDE DOWN YUNA HEARS ALL!!
How blunt!
Which, incidentally, is probably what the scenario designers were smoking when this section came up.
That's the trouble with purgatory, really.
It would seem that purgatory leads to a very drugged up FMV. I don't recall the scriptures ever mentioning that, but, hey, here we are.
Kind of hard, Nooj, when the poor girl has a face full of armpit at the moment.
"No, Shuyin, you -are- the praetors!"
And then Shuyin was a Yevonite.
Oh, thank god. I can finally stop writing these entries then!
Yeah, about that. Why exactly are these spheres found in such random-arse places around the world anyway? Did someone just steal them and fly around in an airship, freely and gleefully throwing them into the winds, or does Spira just have a really bad video return service or something?
Oh, for god's sake, Yuna.
A blind, deaf hermit who has lived under a rock, which in itself was underneath a continent-sized avalanche of other rocks, that were all on the dark side of Mars in a completely separate Universe could've figure this stuff out already!
"Who will provide the man-gay while you're gone!? I know Rin's a hunk, but he can't do it alone! That's sorta the point!"
They say as they follow a friend possessed by a... some guy into a creepy, crap-coloured vortex that's mysteriously appeared in the depths of the planet and may or may not lead to a frightened sentient mecha with Castle Grayskull for a face that could easily destroy the entire planet.
Oh yeah. Control.
Oh, and now we're.... here.
Sure, why not?
If I actually cared to follow what's going on right now, I might be somewhat confused by this. And everything else.
"YUNA ONLY PROPERLY CONVEY EMOTIONS BY BLATANTLY STATING THEM!! THIS MAKES ME... GASSY"
Oh dear, I think Yuna's finally had enough of this game's crap.
Go, Yuna! Destroy the fourth wall with your righteous fury!
Thank you for staring at your crotch while announcing this. That... that's just super.
And here is one of the game's hugest dick moves to anyone who is aiming for 100% completion. During this little sequence, you have to hit X four times, which will trigger Glowing!Tidus to appear for reasons I couldn't begin to try and figure out why. These X prompts are never actually shown or hinted at in any way. The game just assumes you know to hammer the X button four times over in this cutscene and in this cutscene alone, otherwise you lose out on 100% completion.
How exactly did anyone figure this out?
... Alright, I confess.
I have no goddamn idea what's going on right now.
Oooh, pretty!
And pointless!
"I know you're desperate for some action, but dry-humping the floor isn't going to achieve anything!"
Yuna looks a wee bit pissed off here.
Not that I can blame her, but she never announced how angry she is, so I guess it's just my crazy imagination.
FINALL--I mean, hooray!
Also, possibly silly question, don't mind me, but HOW THE BUGGERING JESUS DID YUNA END UP IN BEVELLE AGAIN? I guess she must have taken the staircaaaaaase of maaaaaaaaagic or something. Christ, at this point Yuna may as well pull pixie dust out of her arse and call herself a fairy princess.
LATER! ABOARD THE YOU BETTER START MAKING SENSE SOON GAME!
I couldn't go on living either. I'd have probably died from laughing so hard.
Ahhh, so that explains the previous sequence. Yuna had landed, but was immediately conked on the head by a commsphere, which triggered a mild psychotic episode. Okay then!
Oh, Shinra, everyone knows Beta just means Glorified Demo Stage nowadays.
She's managed to become a Mary Sue and a MacGuffin at the same time!
Girl's got some ambition.
Spirans believe very adamantly in hand-me-downs when it comes to fashion.
Because nobody on this airship knows anything about anyone in any possible bloody way!
Didn't you get the mem-Oh, right.
Because he's completely off his gourd?
Occam's razor and all that.
Wow. A sign of actual proper thinking from Brother. Colour me legitimately impressed and kind of scared!
I don't think 'hurling yourself into the anus of the planet' counts as a plan, honestly. Unless Jenova's down there.
Which would explain why Nooj hurled himself in, if nothing else.
Hey, that's Paine's word. Speaking of, where'd she go?
Maybe she's off to find some non-sucky friends...
But I'm not about to let the only interesting character leave me here with these idiots, so off we go!
Yuna's used to having balls in her hands at this point.
!~EXPOSITION~!
Yes, well, having them blindly rush into a cave with no knowledge or weaponry tends to have that result.
"Oh-hoho! PLEASE TELL ME YOU RECORDED IT ALL"
"RIKKU, IF YOU DON'T HONESTLY SHUT UP I WILL MARCH DOWN THERE AND BITCHSLAP YOU MYSELF!"
Welcome to Final Fantasy X-2, Paine.
I bet that went well in this game!
Well someone in this group had to.
Where did this airship come from anyway?
Or was it always around and... like, no summoner ever thought about using it to speed up their pilgrimage or something.
"I heard something about potential man-love. I came as fast as I could!"
"... Please don't tell me you meant that last sentence the way I think you--"
"Maybe I did!"
Paine knows how to keep her ho's in tow. Check it.
Hey, beats chasing a sphere that involved your now dead boyfriend, except where it obviously didn't.
Well, that's not being a one-dimensional character for ya, Paine. Strange in these parts, I know, but roll with it!
I'd be deeply concerned if he was. Although, hell, Yuna just might take whatever she can get at this point.
But where's the melodrama in that?
YOU WERE NEVER A SPHERE HUNTER IN THE FIRST PLACE
THAT WOULD IMPLY AT SOME POINT YOU NINNIES EVER BLOODY FOCUSED ON IT
Yuna, not able to cope with the idea of not being right about everything, runs to her room to hug her pillow and make a needlessly dramatic Facebook status update.
She better not! There's no way in the multiple hells I'm putting up with you jackasses without at least one sensible person!
My feelings about the game in a nutshell.
OH SWEET JESUS PLEASE SAY YES PLEASE SAY YES PLEASE SAY YES PLEASE SAY YES YES YES YES YES YES
Don't dash my dreams, you little spaz!
And then Paine shocks the group by speaking Al Bhed herself!
Which probably wouldn't be a shock if anyone actually spoke to each other on this ship.
Wasn't the problem with the conflict originally that the constant bickering between faction leaders was making Spira fall apart?
Hell, what doesn't make Spira fall apart?
Well, that certainly makes one of us.
But never mind all that potential global turmoil, we've got home movies to watch!
Man, home movies have gotten a lot more morbid and existential since I last watched one.
r u srs??
Well, at least we know who the smartass of the group is now.
Oh, go cry in the shower while trying to down shampoo and listen to Fall Out Boy, you angsty ponce.
I think it's a wonderful plan that couldn't possibly go wrong in any conceivable way!
"Well, I did have this one plan to hunt down and possibly murder the man who will shoot us in the back soon, but then instantly get possessed by a thousand year old spirit that's trying to end the world and get his ectoplasmic groove on with his possibly also-dead girlfriend who's currently trapped in a sphere that makes you sing and dance like an idiot."
"What was that?"
"Nothin', nothin'. Just living the dream, man. Living the dream..."
Ah, so you've played this game too, then.
Well, that was thrilling, except not at all.
With home movies all done and done with, it's time to check out the commspheres!
Something which takes up an alarming amount of Chapter 4's content. But more on that later!
Aw, but what's Beclem going to have to burn down now? That Wakka. So inconsiderate!
Probably patrolling for more kindle, which would be anything around them that exists.
But who will let me run the Gunner's Gauntlet?
...
Christ, I think I just gave myself a haemorrhage.
Oh, an up-shot angle of Wakka's junk. Yeah, that's exactly what my brain needed right now, game designers.
And thanks so much for a zoom option, you assholes!
No, because that would require her to actually be in this game to some meaningful capacity.
Though given how everything turned out, I can't say I blame her now.
Next up on the Stuff It, We Have To Make Use of These Characters Somehow Tour is Dona.
Yay.
Oh dear god. It's a town full of Yunas!
How does that work? I mean, aeons were awesome and all, but all you did was talk between towns and then swing your wand around a bunch. Not exactly the quality of a great leader. But there I go again, expecting anyone in Spira to make any sense. Silly me.
Right. Who's next?
Oh, marvelous! I wasn't tired of life at all.
That's fascinating please go tell someone who isn't at all myself.
"Sir! We have rumours that something to some capacity might be happening somewhere for some reason!"
"Gather your men! We're going to invade the hell out of them!"
You know someone's entirely off their rocker when Yuna is the voice of reason in a conversation.
. . . Well. Okay then!
Yes. That happens when the people left in charge are completely retarded.
You know what? Given the state Spira's in post-Sin... stuff it. Let Vegnagun blow up the entire damn planet.
Hell, he'd be doing the Universe a favour, really.
Here's a more important question for ya: Who cares? Bring on the end times!
Yeah, that wouldn't be an issue in a war or anything.
You seem to be implying that anything made sense in the first place, Rikku. A deadly mistake.
HAH!
Sorry.
Wow. Yuna's decided to help someone. What an outrageous change of character!
Yeah, you guys have fun with that. I'll be back here not failing miserably and getting vaporized, thanks.
Maybe, and this is just me being random here, but maybe you can hunt some goddamn spheres or something!
Outside the box, I know, but just work with me on this.
I guess an orgy would work...
Please don't be in the giving them any of the ideas.
Oh god...
Paine, what have you done!?
Yes, I believe captive is the correct word there.
... I'm just going to cry in the corner now. Please don't mind me.
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD HELP IS IF HE SHOT ALL OF YOU MORONS
I will put up with all the melodrama in the world if it means I get to avoid SUPER HAPPY YUNA DANCE AND SING-A-LONG SPECIAL KAWAII TIME-DESU NE MITSUBISHI ^___^
... I'm not going to make it through this alive, am I?
Well, Yuna, I guess the only course of action is to hurl yourself off the edge of the airship.
DO IT
DO IT NOW FAGGOT
THEY DO NOT BLOODY CONNECT AT A CONCERT I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!
They pour in like the tears I'm shedding now about what I have to do next entry.
I'm going to be a broken and very drunk man when all's said and done...
Yes, but I distinctly remember a lack of J-Pop concerts and Yuna warbling like a banshee.
I bet that part of your life seems pretty darn inviting in hindsight.
So completely unlike the plot in this game, then?
Well, that's about it for this entry~!
Tune in next time for commsphere banter, preparations for Yuna's concert and my suicidal decline into alcoholism!
See ya!
