Metal Gear Solid - Part Seven

Posted on 5/01/2011 by Trambapoline



And so, we have reached the second disc of Metal Gear Solid. Questions will finally be answered, secrets finally revealed, the plot will soon try to devour itself under a tsunami of pressure for exposition! Crazy times ahead indeed for the next... 2-3 hours this disc takes up.

I was originally going to put this entry up alongside the short-ish one yesterday, but the ePSXE emulator decided otherwise, since it took me about 6 absolutely infuriating hours to finally find a means to swap discs on the emulator and have the codec working to actually save the game. Many, many thanks to a friend for finally solving it for me before I decided to take the path of least resistance and just shoot myself in the face.

And on that positive note, let us begin the final set-piece of Metal Gear Solid!









When we last left Solid 'Dogs of War' Snake, he had just taken out four mysterious invisible soldiers in an elevator (something Kojima seems to really enjoy), then took on Sniper Wolf in a classic example of why you don't bring a sniper rifle to a remote controlled missile fight. Or.. something.

Anyway, with Wolf and any respectable death-scene for a henchmen in this series now gone from this world, Snake proceeds down into the maintenance base to take on METAL GEAR!?




"Hey, Jim, how do you want our staff and personnel to enter the important Metal Gear factory?"
"Eh, just have them shimmy across a dangerously small ledge while having to duck oncoming objects."
".... Isn't that a little dan-"
"When you wear the pants, then you can decide what we do! Now where's my jacuzzi full of absinthe!?"




If you crawl and shimmy your way around enough, you can find some handy-dandy body armour.

In fact, it's so handy, you'll forget you even have it on! Because you won't. Because nobody uses the stupid thing.




Sweet Jesus, this factory is a workplace incident nightmare!

"Oh, you want to get to the mess hall? Yeaaaaah, you're gonna have to cross the field of snow, pass the security cameras with lethal turrets, shimmy over the molten steel pool, dodge the steaming-hot gas pipes which will randomly explode in your face, and then make your way across the body of inevitable corpses. Grub's on your left. You can't miss it."




Ahhh, a giant open elevator in a video game.

This means either enemies will drop in from above, or we're going to have a 10 minute long discussion about something.




It seems like the game has chosen the former. Ah, the classics~!




Snake employs his controversial strategy in these parts of actually hitting your intended target.




With the lift ride over, Snake walks along this hallway entirely designed to... walk over to the next lift down.

Why not just have the one lift, I have no idea--




SHITTING FUCK MINES WHY WOULD PUT THEM HERE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!




And down we go again~

With no guards to ambush us this time, methinks we'll be treated to a long conversation soon!




A flock of ravens. I believe the ancient Inuit believed them to be a sign of everything's going to be okay forever.




And what do ya know, a long conversation. Mass Effect would in turn learn much from this game.




How the fuck would I know? Aren't you meant to be the ones in charge of that shit?




Uh... cool beans? I mean it's a long lift down, and I appreciate the company, but is this going anywhere?

I know that'd be a first for this game, but just work with me here.




Was very unnecessary and out-of-place, I know. What up?




WHAT A TWEEEEST




"I FRIGGING SAID IT WAS ALL A LIE!"




Or... she just might have a shitty memory?

If anyone asked me about my grandfather right now I'd probably get everything wrong too.




Oh, shit, if it's ridiculous then it must be true. I forgot what series I was in.




You clearly haven't seen most high-school students these days, Miller.




"Oh, yes. I keep constant track of that shit. Not like I'm on a mission of global importance of anything. No, sir!"




Damn Mexicans, taking all their jobs!





The only evidence I'm getting here is that she wouldn't get terribly far as a contestant on Jeopardy.




"She got the backstory of her grandfather slightly confused. SHE MUST BE INDUCING HEART ATTACKS IN PEOPLE WITH HER MIND! HIDE YOURSELF, SNAKE. ONLY THE TIN-FOIL HAT WILL PROTECT YOUR PRECIOUS BRAINS."




"If I get da haps, son, I'll holla back, a'ight? Word to yo motha!"




Wait... so all staff have to cross the molten pits and then a deep-freezing chamber just afterwards?

It's Maintenance, guys, not fucking Mordor.




Oh, lord, he has a gatling gun and a silo strapped to his back now...

Alright, where did you even find that?




".... Why don't you say anything, ravens!?"
"Uhhhh... are you talking to them right now?"
"I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU'RE CRAZY! STOP JUDGING ME!"




They're actually omnivores. This has been Metal Gear Solid, your guide to the World of Facts  




Sometimes they also like to SHUT UP, RAVEN.




No, Snake, that was the other giant, bald, raven-obsessed shaman that Liquid recruited.

They're like manure. Better to buy in bulk numbers.




"Everything always is, baby ;) "




"We often test newcomers by firing at them in a tank. Granted, recruit numbers are low as a result, but still!"




"... Uh, I still can't hear the--"
"THEY'RE TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW. THEY SAY 'OHH LOOK AT ME I'M SNAKE I SURE DO LOVE BEING RUDE TO THAT NICE RAVEN CHAP, EH WHAT. ALSO I SMELL MY OWN BUTT!'"
"Hey! That was one time... Ah, I mean..."




Unfortunately for the raven, Snake had a heart tattoo with 'Tim' inscribed there as part of a drunken bet, so the mark went forever unnoticed.




"So, uh, when all of this is over, wanna grab a pint?"
"You're trying to kill me with birds of death! Not to mention the giant gatling gun strapped to you right now!"
"And yet I bet I'm still the closest friend you have."
"..... *sigh* What's your number?"




DO I EVER!




Unless there's a new category for ripping weaponry off a fighter jet and parading it about, I have no idea.





Ya don't say.




"Thirdly, it also tests the ear. J... Just in case you didn't get that. Want me to describe it again?"




FOR GREAT JUSTICE!!




"Unless you're strapping C4 to an unsuspecting guard. Or hiding in the corner during a sniper match and using remote control missiles to cheat. Or sniping at birds instead of rescuing a certain female soldier, then Campbell yells at you like he did when you hid in the female bathroom which I ONLY DID BECAUSE I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE METHOD ACTING BECAUSE I WAS GIVEN A WOMEN'S HANKERCHIEF AND BESIDES WHY CAN'T A GUY FEEL PRETTY EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE!? I ASK YOU, WHY!? ..... Wow, that really got away from me there."




I imagine there will soon be a distressingly large amount in his torso. Does that count?




And now we play what the Alaskan Olympiads like to call running the fuck away from the giant, scary man!




A lot of people have issues with the Raven fight, but it's actually relatively simple when you figure out the trick. It's pretty easy to leap from corner to corner in the arena and wait until he passes by you. When that happens, just fire a Stinger or Nikita missile up his backside. Then hide, swap corners and repeat. He'll occasionally search around a box for you, but all you have to do is keep circling it as he does.

When he hits 25%-ish health is when he gets dangerous, as he starts charging around the arena like a mad-man, and becomes much harder to hit. So the easy way to counter this is to lay down Claymores in each corner. Raven always searches the corners, so he's guaranteed to hit 'em.

J... Just don't run over them yourself later on. Not that I did that and you should stop asking because I didn't!




"You really are a camping little bitch...."




Wow. Uh... that's not something I'd say to one of my henchmen.

Especially one nine feet tall and capable of carrying around a multi-tonne chaingun.




"Because that's what shamans do, right?"
"Uhh... I think they mostly dual-wield stuff and put down buffing totems."
"Well, shit, I've been reading the wrong pamphlet then...."




"Even when I'm on the toilet?"
"Especially when you're on the toilet!"




This is either pretentious 'You're Pretty Rad' talk, or foreshadowing.




Ditto with this.




"Or how about I just use this sniper rifle I always carry about yet never seem to fire outside of two battles?"




Oh, goody-gumdrops, I love riddles~!




"Gonna have to be a bit more specific, dude. You're actually one of them now, y'know? On account of me kicking your ass. Ah, good times..."





You know, this is less a 'hint' or more just blatantly telling me.




Mo' liek a Master of Dead-Guys O SNAP SON SOMEONE JUST FIRED OFF A 'ZING' MISSILE




"That really sucked when he discovered most of his subjects had herpes or syphilis..."




Dude's got a wicked eye for that kind of shit.




"Because it's a Hideo Kojima game. Everything has to be bafflingly convoluted and complex, man."




Raven seems to mistake giving out a hint for blurting out exposition and then just suddenly stopping at some point.




"Not while... fanboys... still demand sequels..."




"Uh, 'cuse me Raven, can you wait a tick? Bloody so-called friends are contacting me again. Ta."
"Nah, s'cool. Not like I'm going anywhere."




Oh boy, this again!





Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, buster.

She's taking a nap!? Snake's out here busting his ass to save the world and she's taking a nap because, "Oh my, it seems my giving out completely unhelpful tidbits and incorrect backstories has tuckered me out a little. I think I'll take a nappy-nap so I can be fully refreshed for being completely useless. Tee-hee!"

Bull!




"She's actually only a staff-resident. Crazy, I know!"




Did she go all Highlander on her ass?




Or she could have just waltzed up and gone, "Tee-hee! I'm tots Naomi!" and they just let her join the staff. It would explain the quality of everyone else around here...




"I know this is important and could mean a breach of national security, but I just love dramatic pauses, don't you?"




With what? Marginally more helpful information than the rest of you fuckers?




You know, if you wanted to see if she's available, you could just ask...




UH-OH SPAGHETTI-O'S.





"HELLO. I AM BEING THE SUBTLE ABOUT HIDING INFORMATION FROM YOU."




"Uh, Octopus, actually..."
"What?"
"Yeah, turns out the DARPA Chief in the cell was actually a guy called Octopu---"
"Humans can't be octopi! Stop messing with my mind!"




Oooh, tremendously convincing that time!




"SHE'S NOT ALLOWED IN OUR SPECIAL CLUB ANYMORE >:( "




Oh, whatever gave it away, Snake?

No wonder people can hide so many things from him. Guy's got the perceptive skills of a brick.




Just for reference, Raven was toting around this.

That seems totally plausible!

No, I'm being serious. Compared to the shit the sequels pull off, this seems downright realistic.




LATER, IN THE NEXT ROOM, SNAKE ENCOUNTERS A TINY BIT OF SECURITY




Dear lord above, there's a load of running about, isn't there? When the hell are we going to get to Metal Ge--




Oh.




If I could walk five feet without a codec conversation this disc I'd die a happy man.

I'd be dying of shock right there and then, but my point remains valid!





Or maybe they're all at dinner?

Or taking a nap, since apparently anyone can just do that now!




Or Snake can use the several dozen Stinger missiles he has on his person and end the game two hours early.




If this begins a fetch-quest where I have to run all over the facility again and pick up the remaining two shards keys, I'm going to scream and punch someone. Probably myself. Unconscious.




And then the following exchange takes place.



Yup. That is totally what happened.




Snake, after discovering Otacon took down the PlayStation Network, decides to press on and...




FUCKING JUMPING CUNTS, OTACON, IT'S BEEN LITERALLY 10 SECONDS!!




Is it 3G enabled? If not, I'm just going to wait until the next upgrade, man.




Since rail-guns traditionally give off a lot of energy and heat when fired, what exactly is stopping the missile from, oh, I don't know, instantly exploding and killing everyone? This is pretty much why nobody's decided to fire a missile out of an electric cannon just yet. Or, alternatively, have and now lack the means or life to do so again.




"They even painted the face of a clown on the front!"





No, Snake, I'm sure he means it'll turn into a mediocre B-Action Movie when you're not looking.




So it's pretty much just a really big thermonuclear stick.




Snake knows all about penetrating hardened bases. Aw yeah.




The U.N has yet to see the appeal in starting up a Like, Really Big Exploding Stick inspection oversight committee.





"Hmmm, sorry, what was that? I was too busy not listening!"




"... but it was totally Naomi's fault."





.... What do you think he means?




"Dear Diary.
Today the really big exploding stick I made exploded. It was the best day ever!
SIMULATION: SUCCESS.
"




"Then he told me to look on the back of it for a codec frequency. I don't know what the darn that was all about..."




"DO YOU HAVE THE DISC IN YOUR HAND YOU BETTER HAVE IT IN YOUR HAND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"




"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"




Welp, that was a tedious fun little bit of banter. Well, now we can finally enjoy the gameplay~!




Oh, come on! That was 5 seconds. Are you even trying!?




I'm pretty sure 'concerns about the financial future of a random-ass company' is pretty low on the list of legitimate concerns right now. It'd be dead-last if it weren't for that stupid blurb about Naomi's grandfather.




I guess you could say he was the.... DARPAY Chief then, eh? EH?

...

Oh, that was gold, and you know it!




"..."
"..."
"...."
"...."
"....."




Yeah, you might wanna get on that, Hal.




LATER, AFTER A GRIPPING TWENTY SECONDS OF GAMEPLAY, SNAKE FINDS A CUTSCENE




"Please, Ocelot, nobody's going to get that reference now..."




"Nobody's going to get that one, boss!"
"It's an actual place..."
"Your face is an actual place!"





"As far as the events of this game are concerned? No. No I would not."




Game over, man. GAME OVER.




Oh, you cunning little monkey!





If it's a stealth missile, in that they can't detect where it came from, what's stopping the US from just saying they didn't fire any, since they technically didn't? Not like the Chinese will have any proof of it, outside of you maybe scribbling "AMERICA WAS HERE. CHINA IS A LOSER." onto the side of the missile.




What reputation?

/rimshot





"omgzzzz hi liquy-kun :) :) i saw ur new wepon 2day tat was soooo kewl!!!!!!! gimme plz lol jk ttyl <3 :)"




"And I will get my beloved pony, Lord Cuddleneighs! Oh, yes...."




A billion really isn't all that much.

At least if you want to run an organization that revolves around a bipedal, nuclear-firing mech.




"And once we're sure the eyes work with them, we will have some of our own at last!"




FoxDie, huh? Well, I'm sure that's completely unimportant. This'll be the last we hear of that.




And nothing of value was lost~




Or because he was completely batshit and kept screaming about moving imaginary controllers. Either/or.




Wolf was, however, infected by several sniper-rounds to the head and Nikita missiles to the small intestine.




Or maybe it just killed Foxes. Wolf certainly was one, mmmmmm.

... And... Mantis... too.... I guess? M... mmmm?




I can't imagine why. It's sat around and done absolutely nothing so well!




Doesn't every country? I doubt many spend millions on R&D for missiles entirely designed to be intercepted.




"It rolls Natural 20's in both dexterity and wisdom! It also has Initiative as an auto-equipped ability!"




Nah, it's cool, he's equipped himself as a WAR/POL. We'll be fine.

aw jeah its all stupid nerdy references up in this bitch tonight




All of which were incapable of taking out a single soldier.

You might want to ponder that before sticking up to the man.




"We'd bake cookies, and tell stories about our first kiss over the bonfire, have sowing classes. It'll be great!"




"Fortunately they're still too stupid to figure out whose footprints those were, and what that cardboard box really is, so we've dodged a bullet in that regard."




"I told you already, I'm not going to marry his cousin! Guys called Sten... Ugh! Please."




"I will emphasize this point by looking snootily to my left for no discernible reason!"
".... Okay. Wel---"
"Uh! Uh! Let me finish."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..... Okay. Proceed."





"..... Hello Kitty Island!"




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnthiswouldmakemoresenseifyouplayedpreviousMetalGeartitlesnnnnnnnn!





"Oh, fuck, right! Uh.... Yeah, yeah. We're cool?"




.... Too easy.

Like her. BOOSH!




"I'd like to ace her hole, if you catch my drift, boss."
"No... No, I--I don't, actually, Ocelot..."
"Well, I mean, I'd like to... uh... hmmm... Well, you see..."
"Yes?"
"Uh..... Guywhocan'tpilotaHindDsayswhat!"
"What?"




Meanwhile, Snake has a loud conversation with Otacon just outside the room where Liquid and Ocelot are!





Yes, which we don't want to do, so are you going anywhere with this?




Well, Snake, you better call the King of Red Lions, because you've got a tedious fetch quest to do!




Oh. Okay. Lay it on us, 90's hair-style!




.... So the card's basically a glorified Shrinky Dink? Gotcha.




I'd say it's stupid and impracticable, but we're luckily at the only place in the world where molten steel and freezing cold storage rooms are five feet away from each other. Crazy, eh?




"SO DON'T LOSE IT IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS BY HOLDING IT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR OKAY"




"I am the master of shooting everything first before having a change to see what it is! HERE GOES!"




"You didn't have to shoot it directly out of his hands, you know. Could have just asked him to hand it over..."
"I just wanted to prove a point!"
"Yes, we know you can already shoot things real good. There is such a thing as overdoing it."
"I didn't want there to be any confusion, is all."




"It's not like I could just reach over and grab it as it falls. That was just be disturbing God's divine plan, a-yup."




Oh shi-




LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!!




OH CHRIST A RAT ATE THE CARD GOD FUCK GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE....




SUCCESS!!




SHORTLY AFTER, BACK UP AT THE CONTROL ROOM




Guess we get to do that tedious fetch-quest after all. Oh, boy~!




... You know, it sure was nice of Liquid and Ocelot to just leave the room for no reason and keep the door open.

Aren't they just swell?

Anywho, I'll see you back here for the next part~! Unless not, in which case nuts to you!