Working as Intended

There's really not really much for me to blurb about here, since the game is 1 more entry away from finished.

So, uh... how 'bout that cyborg ninja, eh? Pretty crazy~!












When we last left Solid 'Musta Been a Tight Fit' Snake, he had encountered and defeated Raven for the second time, then learnt that Naomi might not be all who she claims! Which would be shocking if we knew much about her in the first place, but that's never stopped MGS from delivering a bizarre revelation before.

Speaking of bizarre revelations, it also turned out that the PAL key Snake has been carrying around is actually three keys in one, which change at different temperatures. That sure was retarded sneaky of that ArmsTech president, eh?




Well, our first objective is to freeze the key, so I guess we get to climb all the way back down to the ground floor again. I'd be annoyed at this, but I know if I let it get the best of me now I'd be catatonic by the fourth time I'll have to do the bloody thing.




"Hey, Jim, what do you want done with the excess security cameras we bought in that bulk order?"
"Oh, I don't care. Just throw them anywhere! But be sensible about it, for goodness sake!"




In case it wasn't face-stompingly obvious yet, to freeze the key you need to run around the giant and inexplicable frozen.... crate... room? for a while before...




Voila~!




I sure hope you like pictures of Snake running, because there's going to be a lot of them.

Just be thankful I don't have to find charts to the locations of where to change temperatures.




Despite Metal Gear being the corner-stone of this terrorist action and, hell, the entire existence of the base, there is only a single guard patrolling the cat-walks around it. Dude's got a pretty sweet operation set up here, when you think about it.

At least until Snake snapped his neck because he was slightly-but-not-really in the way.




Who are you, the narrator?




Maybe it's just because I'm incredibly bored, but I can't help but notice that Snake's sneaking suit designed to prevent hypothermia wouldn't really work if his head's exposed, since that's where you lose most of your body heat. Let's see Naomi try to explain that.

...

I told you, I'm bored. Shut up!




For some reason, there are suddenly now guards patrolling the frozen chamber. Not that it matters, since you can run directly by them and to the door in about five seconds, but, hey, it's kinda worth noting, right?




Up we go~!

... It's an elevator. You try coming up with a witty rejoinder, smart guy!




Dum-dee-dum-dum...




Sweet marmalade in a bookshop, this is boring. Where's the unnecessarily long-winded and dramatic codec call whe---




OH THANK CHRIST




Beats standing on an elevator with a thumb up my backside. What up?




"We're going out to Vue de Monde on Saturday, for be a quiet little romantic dinner~ So, which do you think I should wear? The black tux or the cute little.... 'you know'?"




"I think they called it a 'gun', or something. Man, technology these days, huh? My stars!"




Even if he hadn't, he's going to hear a lot about it from now on, trust me.




"Keylogs them, steals account details. Nothing fancy."




Sounds like someone's been playing a lot of video games this gen.





How can someone's heart fail and it only looks like a heart attack? It was a heart attack.

The question here is what caused it, dummy!




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!!




"No, but I certainly gave her an injection. HA, HA!"




100% All-Purpose Plot-Device in the Metal Gear series.




"Well, Naomi certainly knows a lot about positions. HEY-OH!"
".... Ya done?"
"I had more, but you go ahead."




Oh dear, we're asking Campbell for information? This won't end well...




Oh, so NOW you're helpful. Wonderful timing on that, sport!




And she just had to do this inside the facility where all you guys are? Couldn't just pop outside to make a quick, nonchalant phone call? Damn, that's stupid. Then again, having seen Naomi and the rest of you over the past six hours, that's also not at all surprising.




"You know, saving the world from imminent nuclear annihilation and all that. I know I'm the only one here that seems to give a shit about that, but I think it's a pretty important deal, okay!?"




And thus ends the elevator ride of boringness!




And now begins the next elevator ride of boringness...




... which, for your sake, I will thankfully skip.

Just know that I had to put up with it twice. The sacrifices I make for you people sometimes!




"Hey, Jim, we need the PAL Key heated up for the activation code. What should we do?"
"Eh, just send Barry down into the toxic, boiling steam vents for a while. Hmm? Oh, no, we didn't win the Workplace Safety award this month either. Why do you ask?"




Right. Back on board the world's most boring and inefficient elevator system...




Yes, I gathered that much, dear. What's the dilly-o?




Busy doing what exactly? Looking up information on the latest nuclear stock-pile numbers to slam down my throat while I'm in the middle of the next a life-or-death gunfight?




"Yes. I was the one who did that thing in the coffee pot on Monday. In my defense, I thought it was pretty funny."




"Just, y'know, most of it. If you could start instantly believing me now that'd be just super."




.... That's not really the part we're concerned with you lying about, but, alrighty.




"It's just so hard when the writers don't even give you a proper backstory. I mean, what the hell?"




That's fascinating, nobody asked.




No. Rhodesia, Nottinghamshire, Snake. It's the only place to go for your class cricket needs!




This is going somewhere, right? It's a codec call, so I can't honestly tell if she's rung me up for some big dramatic reveal or just to waste my time by giving me the entire life-story behind some random country.




Now if only we could figure out where you got your British accent from, since you're not from there at all.





"NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME EVEN THOUGH I DO NOTHING BUT CONSTANTLY LIE AND DECEIVE EVERYONE I MEET! A-BLOO BLOO BLOO!!"




".... Superman."




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNagainNNNNNNNN




He then went on to double-cross Snake, steal Metal Gear, kill his ice-skating love-interest with a missile for absolutely no reason, then got punched by Snake in the middle of a minefield before Snake went on to fight the actually-not-dead Big Boss in a final fight, where he won by setting B.B alight with a make-shift flamethrower made out of a cigarette lighter somehow.

.... Life is stupid.




"Went off like howler monkey in heat, he did!"




"No, I was actually talking about one of the cute bus-boys at the local hote-OF COURSE I MEAN BIG BOSS."




Stiiiiiiiill not explaining the British accent.




"Yeah, those were some fun times! Ahahahahaha! Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa-sorry for your loss."






"Yup. Went through their garbage too."




"I'll show them. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!!"




Smooth recovery there, Snake.





Yes, I think we've all safely gathered that much.

If you've got a point to all this, Naomi, please get to it soon.




That's better!




Of course. The macrophages. It was so obvious!




As opposed to the "dumb" enzymes, which did nothing but lounge about and watch Family Guy all day.




....... I didn't understand a single goddamn word of that.




"Hold on, so am I sterile or not?"




You'd be the least effective virus carrier of all time if you died on the way here, so probably not.




"The things I've done to people. Especially your brother. I mean, one time I... Ha, ha! ... Oh, right. Sorry."




"Seriously, how can I be the only person on this team that remembers this!?"





Oh-ho-ho?




It never is in a Metal Gear Solid game, is it?






"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE CAN'T YOU JUST MASTURBATE LIKE THE OTHER PRISONERS!?"




"She was advancing the plot too much. This is simply unacceptable!"




Shocking, too. He kept it so well hidden!




You know, this constant double-crossing and keeping Snake in the dark seems like a pretty stupid idea, really. What would they do if Snake at some point just went, "You know what? Fuck it. I don't care anymore. This simply isn't worth it" then jumped on the nearest snowmobile and left everything behind again?

Or, hell, decided to join up with Liquid now? Not like his government has been treating him with any respect.




Anyway, the conversation convenient ends when the elevator reaches its destination, so back to Metal Gear we go!




It's a good thing the hot PAL card doesn't cool down in the ice chamber, otherwise I'd scream and throw my monitor clear out the window be quite bothered, let me tell you!




Hooray! Looks like that fetch quest was all for a good caus---




WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?




NO NO NO NO UNDO UNDO UNDO UNDO UNDO UNDO SHIT AHHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK




"Didn't even bother to check the screen for launch status first, did you? You dumbshit."




*slow clap*

Bravo, Snake.




Is that apology coming from you, or the game designers?




"We tried IDDQD, IDKFA, IDCLIP, but to no avail..."




"I said I was sorry. Jeez!"
"SHUT UP. I'M ON THE PHONE!"
"You never have time for me anymore!"




"Blowing up that Hind, the tank, and the other costly multi-million dollar weapons. So helpful!"





"On the plus side, it happened on a Thursday, so I didn't have to give him that week's paycheck. Score!"




Considering how little I've used the controller this disc, yeah, I kinda did.




"I'd like to ace their ho--"
"YOU ALREADY DID THAT JOKE."
"You nyeh nyeh nyeh joke. I'm so backstabbing you!"
"WHAT WAS THAT!?"
"Nothiiiiiing~"





Yes, that seems to be quite a trend in this series, wouldn't you say?




.  .  .  .

Really.




And absolutely nobody during this top-secret, world-important mission decided to screen the calls because?




BUT THEN WHO WAS CODEC????




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNyetagainthisisgettingoldnowNNNNN




Aw, how polite of you~




SUDDENLY: GAS!!




"JUST OPEN IT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU DON'T NEED TO START A PHONE CALL EVERY TIME!!"




"... What?"
"I... I wasn't expecting a response. I thought I'd just yell dramatically as you dived into Metal Gear."
"Oh, I wasn't going to do that just yet."
"Ah..."
"..."
"... Well, this is awkward."




"I did, actually. Very late 90's I thought. Went well with your hair."
"Aw, you're just saying that!"




That's an excellent question.

Except he already answered it. Hello, McFly!




The boys at the Pentagon are asking why you decided to dress up as Master Miller?

I... I guess that makes sense?




Both of which Snake failed at rather spectacularly.




I told you nobody wanted Snake at the annual Christmas party!





Uhhh, wasn't Snake just going to do that anyway with the override keys? You know, kill the terrorists, deactivate the launch and then Metal Gear would just sit there, chillaxing. Unless they knew that Liquid knew that they he couldn't launch the nukes, so they sent Snake in to kill Liquid, but that wouldn't make sense, since if they didn't send Snake then Liquid couldn't activate Metal Gear anyway, so the Pentagon couldn't have known, which brings us back to my first point, but then they could hav--oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.




Why would anyone want them?

A barely-trained baboon could do a better job guarding something!




"W--What? I... never said anything about Naomi."
"Oh. Sorry. I'm just getting confused, is all, and I thought that..."
"I'm expositing the best that I can!"
"I.. It's not your fault, it's just that I..."
"You're a jerk!"





"She's plays by her own rules. A loose cannon. A maverick! A wild card! I could go on, but I won't."




Or maybe because she keeps LYING TO EVERYONE.




That's a good point, actually. She could have designed it so it slowly kills everyone it comes into contact with. Or possibly she made an error, so it might spread it's infection everywhere and up causing cataclysmic dama--




Oh. Okay then.


"HE WHA-HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!"




"Except one difference, Liquid."
"Yes. And what's that?"
"I got the DON'T SUCK AT FLYING A HIND GENE"
"Why you--!!"


"... simply gorgeous~!"




"You might even go as far to say, dear brother, that we're.... Twin Snakes!"
".... That's stupid."
"Yeah, you're right. Nobody would call anything that. It's just pretentious...."




Bless you!





Bit of a problem with that, Liquid. Namely...




GENES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!





"Sooo... I'm special then?"
"Well, I guess, but my point is tha..."
"I'm special!"
"Would you listen to me!?"
"hahaha you still suck at expositing boss"
"SHUT UP, OCELOT!"
"make me dork"



You're a Pokemon?




"Son, you're inferior because I wanted an identical clone."
"John! You'll give him a complex!"
"Oh, we both know it's too late for that!"





"(Why didn't you love me, daddy?)"




"Except less sexy. Although..."




For some reason, that line always cracks me up.




"Despite all the bitching I just did to the contrary!"





Ohhhhh, right, Metal Gear. I almost forgot about it for a moment there~





I was about to make a wise crack about about RAY, but then I remembered MGS4.

Maybe Liquid was onto something after all...




THE METAL GEAR HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!!




IT BEGINS.







Oh, it is so on. Prepare yourself, Liquid, because we're about to bring down some motherfucking vengeance in this house, tonight! The tank, the Hind-D, it's all been training for this moment. I will Bring. You. Do---




OH FUCK I THINK HE HEARD ME RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!




Oh, gee wiz, thanks for the heads up on this just now, Otacon!!




IT'S FIRING MISSILES AND ARMOUR-PIERCING ROUNDS AT ME. I DON'T CARE!




So... it's an average video game editorialist?




Radome? Mo' liek RaDUMB.




Remind me to never bring you along as a cheerleader.

"Snake! Snake! He's our man!  If he-METAL GEAR IS PERFECT YOU'RE ALL REALLY FUCKED NOW!"




Oh, this oughta be good. Lay it on us, Otacon.




. . . . . . . . That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard.


"Sir, hackers just got into the PlayStation Network! T--They took everything!!"
"*takes off glasses* My God... Who was in charge of security!?"
"Jenkins, sir."
"Explain yourself right now, Jenkins! How could you leave such a large weak point in our system!?!?"
"It's not a weak point. It's a character flaw~!"
"..."
"..."
" :D "




OW JESUS FUCK SHIT OW!






And then we're treated to one of the best cutscenes 1998 had to offer!





See you folks next time for the thrilling (or maybe not, who knows) conclusion to Metal Gear Solid!