Working as Intended

We're finally here! And by 'finally', I mean just over a week, but shut up! The end of Metal Gear Solid is upon us, and I certainly hope you enjoy long diatribes about genetics, because a good 80% of this entry is going to consist of 'em!

It's the end of a Metal Gear game. If there wasn't an hour long cutscene bonanza which doesn't really answer anything, then something must've gone horribly wrong! Or right, depending on your feelings about the matter. But whatever, let's finish this~









When we last left Solid 'I Still Have A Job To Do' Snake, he had accidentally armed Metal Gear using the temperature changing and completely inconvenient PAL Card. Afterwards, Miller confessed that he was Liquid all along, which meant that absolutely nobody on this top-secret government mission bothered to screen calls or check the location of their operatives. Speaks a lot for the mission on the whole, don't it?

Anyway, with Gray Fox now dead due to having a multi-hundred tonne robot step on him (it happens), and now said robot finally destroyed, we join Snake as Liquid ominously walks towards him. With only good intentions in mind, I'm sure!




Snake's really more of a half-ten kind of soldier, y'know?




"Oooh, observant. Nothing gets past you, eagle eye!"




Fucker didn't even bother to spin around once.





Um... actually, it does. Unless you have a backup giant nuclear-equipped, bipedal tank, I don't think Washington is going to give into your demands now. Unless you throw a giant tarp over the wreckage and insist that it's totally still fine, and they're just going to have to take your word for it now, mmmkay?




"I just want my pony. Oh, Mr. Neighington. One day you will be mine!"




"... are free to frolic through the mayflowers! Oh, it'll be ever so much fun, don't you think~?"




You know, if you guys just lightened up s'more they'd let you back into the movie theatre. The patrons didn't especially appreciate it when Raven tried to park his M1 tank in the front row of seats.





His final fantasy, as it were, eh?

EH??

Hello? Is this thing on? I SAID IT MUST HAVE BEEN HIS---




He was well renowned for his ability to always maintain a healthy breakfast.





"Because they ordered me to."




"It's because you're a dick >:( "




..... Well, he's got me there.




"Hahahahaha, yeah, that was pretty awesome. Remember the time when I shot Raven in the face?"
"Raven was my closest friend!"
"You told him he didn't belong in this world anymore!"
"But when I do it's cute!"




"... Is that seriously your game-face?"
"What's wrong with it? It's badass!"
"It looks like you're trying to pass gas out your nose."
"Oh, it does not!"
"Whatever you say, man. Whatever you say."




:D




You were created to enjoy it when you fire missiles into someone's face or lodge them firmly up their rear-end?

Oddly specific design choices, but I can agree with that, I guess.




"Hey, what should we name our cloning project?"
"Umm.... Oh! What about 'The Terrible Children'?"
"Won't being labeled that possibly give them an inferiority complex, scarring them for life?"
"..... You've just got to bring everyone down, don't ya, Ben?"
"Alright. Alright. Alright... Um... Oh, I've got an idea!"
"This better be good."
"How about we..."
"This better be helpful, Ben."
"Call them 'The Terrible Children'..... in French."
"..."
"..."
"BRILLIANT!"




"Star Wars, Black Sabbath, Charlie's Angels, Corrupt and Morally Ambiguous Scientific Cloning. It had 'em all~!"




"But Sephiroth wouldn't appear on the scene for another two decades, so they had to make do with Big Boss."




"Slipped on a spilt banana daiquiri and wanged his head on the ground.... Not one his prouder moments."






Unfortunately, this did not involve introducing a baby to radiation and watching them develop superpowers.

Man, that'd be such an awesome game, though. Way better than what we have to sit through now, in any case.





Liquid's quite the ice-breaker at all the FOX-HOUND company parties.




"But Konami didn't think this series would be profitable for that long, so what are ya gonna do. Boy, hindsight, huh?"


They'll be the ones either screaming or trying to bury their head into their hands.
"Well, y'see, I kinda..."
"Oh my God, and here I've been ranting and prattling to myself like an idiot, apparently. Oh my God..."
"N-No, it's not your fault. I just..."
"Mother was right about you, y'know! Never listened to anyone but yourself!"
"That's not tru--"
"OH LOOK AT ME I'M SOLID SNAKE, I ONLY HAVE THIS NAME BECAUSE GIGANTUS MCGOBBLECOQUEDICK WAS ALREADY TAKEN A-HAW-HAW-HAW-HAW!"
"Okay, now you're just being a jerk..."
".... Little bit."
I should certainly hope so.




"Fascinating thing, it is. It's a scientific theory that revolves around the concept that your face is lopsided and ugly. Remarkable!"




Nature did always like to play favorites. Bitch.




"Also, deliciousness."




It turns out that this entire Shadow Moses incident was just a hilarious misunderstanding between Liquid and the government. He just wanted to save his family from starvation, also genetic experimentation. It's the Feel Good movie for 2011!




"It works by sitting genes down around a table with a slice of cake, and whichever takes it is a selfish prick."


"ALSO STEAL A NUCLEAR BIPEDAL MECH AT SOME POINT AND IF IT DOESN'T EXIST MAKE A MECH AND THEN STEAL THE MECH"




.... What?




"I'm going to need drugs. Like, I'm talking serious tripping major balls shit here."




Well that's not very nice! D:




"Really? That's the oldest trick in the boo--"
"NO SNAKE I'M SERIOUS IT'S SUPER-BAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"I'm not going to fall for something so stupid."
"And now Naomi and Mei Ling are making out~"
"..... Okay, that's worth the risk."




"Goddamn it! I was promised lesbians!"




"Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is when you're in the middle of the act? Do you!?"




She fell in love with the average NPC?




"It's Sneaky Silentkillington!"




"... and believe it or not, some people think that I'm a negative person!"




Thanks for clearing that up, Liquid. Because it's been so ambiguous up until now.




"I accidentally installed and pressed the Inform the Pentagon on the Status of Metal Gear button. In hindsight, it was not one of my smarter decisions."




"Turns out they think you're a smelly butt-jerk, too! Ha, ha! Validation!"




MAYBE I WILL!




"As opposed to his previous, passive-aggressive control, where he just sat in his room all day and inwardly sighed at every idea sent his way, but offered nothing helpful in return."




"The second-floor bombers!?"




When the government holds a New Years celebration, they are serious about the fireworks display.




"Secretary! There's a possibility that FoxDie may spread. What should we d--"
"SPREAD. LETHAL RADIATION. EVERYWHERE."
"B--But there's no proof that will help..."
"EVERYWHERE."





... Okay, so let me get this straight.

The government's going to cover-up an already covert and top-secret mission by dropping a nuclear bomb.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a perfectly reasonable course of action.




"I could probably confuse them more by shuffling in a cardboard box, but damn it all, there's none here! Curse you, Recycling!"




"... let's just say you don't want to drop the soap. Ehehehehehehe."





Okay, question. Why would the Pentagon need Campbell for anything on this mission? What has he done besides kill my brain with completely unhelpful information and obvious skirting around lies? Really, if anything, he's done more damage on this mission to the Pentagon, when you think about it!




"They made me put up with Meryl just to make you harp into my ear about pointless shit!? Oh, they'll pay for this."




Yes, you just said that.

See what I mean about repetitive dialogue? You guys are lucky, since I cut 90% of it out!




"Well, the least I could do is nothing, and I was really considering it for a while, but then I decided...."




"BLASTED DRAMATIC PAUSING! YOU'VE BESTED ME AGAIN!!"




Oh, hey, Mei Ling! Almost forgot you were in this game for a moment there. Silly me~




"I will be your obligatory corrupt, government official douchebag for the remainder of this game. Awwwhawhawhawhawhaw. Mine is truly a snobbish laugh!"




I'm sorry, I just find the idea of Campbell leaking any sort of useful information to be as hilarious as it is unlikely.




That's what I'm sayin'!




"Do you see what I did there? I turned your exclamation back around into an insult. My cavalierness is truly unparalleled!"




"ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!"




... That's a damn good question, actually.




Oh, this oughta be good...




So you're going to admit to the public that terrorists on American soil had the capability to obtain and then detonate, even accidentally, a nuclear weapon!? I.... I.... I don't think you've honestly thought that one through, you dickyogurt.




"And nothing of value was lost...."





"SECRETARY MISS CHIEFY-WIEFY FRIEND WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"





"Oh, shit, right. Uhhhh, well, you're gonna hear some crazy stories about how I don't have it anymore and instead a flamboyant Russian dressed as an American cowboy stole the disc and then left the island with the disc. It's not true at all, by the way. So, yeah, if you could just believe me now and then turn those bombers away, I'd be glad to give you the disc that's completely in my hands right now, but you can't see it. Yup. Sure is me being truthful here!"




"oh your ass is so vaporized"




Oh, come on. That's a bit harsh, isn't it? I mean, what about Sonny and Cher? Let's not say things we'll later regret.




"I'm off to strangle kittens and other eccentric and pointlessly villainous things that we snobbish types do! Ahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhawhawhaw!"




"Let's wait until after the air-strike, Liquid. That way we won't have to stress over the time-limit."
"That's not a bad idea, actu--HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!"




Are you still going on about that!?

He wasn't even born at the time, and even so, it's worth noting that genetics doesn't work the way you think it does.

Like, at all.




Uhhh, unless you're going to literally suck the blood out of his body and into your own, no. No it won't.




"My god. That's the third most complex egg-timer I've ever seen!"




WHO WOULD DESIGN THAT!?

"Got ourselves a prisoner? Welp, better get the boys in the lab cracking on that heart-monitor slash nuclear module!"





"And what about you, Liquid?"
"What?"
"I said, will the fall kill you?"
"Y'see.. it'll... uh.... Well, it will mmmfmmfffphmmphfmmmf..."
"Sorry, what was that?"
"Oh, you know. Stuff."




"WHAT IS A MAN? A MISERABLE PILE OF SECRETS! BUT ENOUGH TALK---"




DUN DUN DUN-DUN-DUN!!




POW! There goes ya teeth, you limey bastard!




LIQUID? MO' LIEK..... ICK-UID!

OH SHUT UP I DON'T KNOW




"Hey, Liquid? I'll help you back up, if you answer me one thing."
"WHAT!"
"How did you get Meryl on top of Metal Gear so quickly after it was destroyed?"
"Uh........"




"YOOOOOOU FAGGOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!!"





She was lying unconscious, strapped to a nuclear module. Oh, yeah, I'm sure she's just peachy.




Huh.

Well that shut me up.





"It was pure Hell. Just hours upon hours of watching animated Disney sequels!!"




Events of this game would big to differ about that, Snake.

I mean, sure, she's handled this a shitload better than, say, Rinoa, but let's not go nuts.




This would be awfully romantic if I wasn't constantly reminded of the fact that Meryl is almost half Snake's age.




But hope does not exist!




And Snake ruins yet another romantic scene. What a heart breaker!




"Oh! Did you destroy REX? Kill Liquid, or something? Well, way to go Sna---"




I'm sure Otacon's just beside himself with joy that somebody he's never met is just A-OK.

Hell, I've seen her the entire game and I can't give two shits.




"Great news! Meryl's okay!"
"Uh, fair enough. So... did you destroy Metal Gear?"
"Sure did!"
"Kill Liquid?"
"Yuppers."
"Awesome, Snake! So everything's going to be just fi---"
"Oh, and don't look into this too much, it's not a big deal, but we're gonna have tactical nuclear bombs dropped on us."
"..... WUT"
"But don't worry. Meryl's fine! Oh, happy day~!"





"I believe the scientists and I have been cooking up something for an occasion such as this. It's called a door. Moron."




So we'll get the best seats in the house for when the bombs kill everything!




So we won't have to worry about guards or anything? Wow, thanks man. You're alright!




... Well, that sucks, but whatever. Have a good one!




Well someone thinks awfully highly of themselves!




Yes. I know. I'm... not actually stopping you, y'know.




Really? Because if my life ended in having a nuclear bomb dropped on me, I'd be doing nothing but regretting shit.

Like having a nuclear bomb dropped on me.




You're a completely annoying person now, yes.




"I have complete trust in you now, my friend. Fight the Man! You can do it!"




"Well, he's fucked. Let's go~!"




Cannon-ball~!




"Oh ye gods! Do they make heroines out of lead these days!?"




Oh, thank the various merciful deities for that!




"Which inexplicably got ripped off me, and managed to conveniently avoid getting crushed. What are the odds?"




What the!? Where did she find that so quickly!?

Oh, who cares. Let's make like a fetus and head out!




Ah, these'll be the last steps we take in this game.

All five of them before the next cutscene starts.




"A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA!?"



Aw yeah, bitches! Guess who's packing heat?

THIS GUY~!!




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ALL DIE NOW!!




Well, we had to shoot through the gate, but at least Otacon said he'll take care of security and stuff, e---




GOD DAMN IT OTACON WHAT THE HELL AM I PAYING YOU FOR!?

Stupid, frassin' scientists and their rassin' frassin' its just like one of my japanese animes :3 stupid little punkass...




"Oh well, at least Otacon's going to die in a gigantic fireball anyway. Onwards to victory, Patsy!"
"My name is Meryl."
"Yeah, nobody cares, Patsy. FORWARD!!"




WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!?!




WHY WON'T YOU JUST DIE ALREADY!?




"How did you even survive that fall!?"
"I ducked!"
".... That doesn't even make any sense!"
"YOU DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
"LALALALALAA I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY SEXY ABS LALALALALALALA"




"I can't see him, but since we managed to survive the crash he must be dead forever!"




"Braiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins...."




"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooootherrrrrrrrrrrr....."
"Pssst! You want the one on your left."
"Snake!!!"
"Shut up, Patsy! God, I would shoot you right now if I had my gun."





"Oh my god you timed it to finish my sentence that's so aweso-BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!"




Huh.

Fair enough then.




"I inherent his will. Score~!"




"Quiet, you. You're not getting anything!"




It... could still be coming? It's not like anyone actually told you when they'd arrive, you know.




Unfortunately for Snake, the bombers were coming from the south, which was obscured from view by the jeep.

Awkward.




"Turns out revealing evil plans in a room full of recording equipment was not the smartest idea. Who knew, huh?"




Seriously? How exactly was he going to avoid telling any of this to the President? Just shrug his shoulders quizzically as the US-owned Metal Gear's rolled off the assembly line and started nuking everything in the world?




"I couldn't do anything about the F-35's though, so... uh... best of luck with that, buddy!"




"At least until they devise a means to cover up nukes with even more nukes."




Yes. Useful information being one of them.




"It should be dropping in and not vaporizing you in 3.... 2... "




How completely improbable!




"Yeah, she was just messing around with Google Earth and she stumbled across it. Faffing about at work pays off once again!"




Probably reaaaally regretting the whole, "NO YOU GO ON MY LIFE IS COMPLETE NO REGRETS" thing now.




"Consider the air-strike done, old friend."




So the bombs are on their way then?




"I'll even bring my old friend, Mr. Pipebomb!"




"What the fuck just happened in the past seven hours!?"




Ah, yes. Might be good to finally get some answers about this!








Yes, because Naomi's proven herself to just be a fountain of trustful knowledge in the past, hasn't she?




"I specifically programmed him not to sacrifice himself and get crushed by a giant bipedal mech. God!"




"Or he said for you to stop crying, emo kid. One or the other. I didn't jot down the details."




"Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya. He said he murdered your parents and could never truly love you."




"... or he might have been singing Whitney Houston songs again, I'm not sure."




"Not Meryl, though. She unfortunately died due to a case of broken neck."
"I'm still alive, you asshole!"
"SHUT UP, PATSY, I'M ON THE PHONE. JEEZ."




So he's as far away from a codec as humanly possible.




Or a case of convenient plot-timing, but that just might be from the outsider's perspective.




Translation: "Yeah, our government-developed virus totally just murdered him. Pretty bitchin', huh?"





That didn't answer his question at all, and you fucking know it!




And so the codec ends as it began: full of completely unhelpful and insipid advice. We have come full circle.

You may now close your books.




And as a lovely reward for our playing the game, we are treated to one of the corniest endings of all time.

Also, making geneticists cry again.

Hooray.




MEANWHILE, AFTER THE CREDITS.




So, basically, all of Naomi's harping on in the ending was complete bullcrap.

I totally didn't see that coming from her!




"I'd question why someone decided to give Metal Gear a nuclear pacifier, but these were the same think-tanks who spent millions of dollars and man-hours on making it roar like a dinosaur, so hell if I know."




Superman's latest alter-ego was outlandish, but effective!




He also thought a lot about genes that was completely made up, so the two are probably connected.




"The true third Stooge!"
"woooooop woop woop-woop-woop"




I'm sure if this series continues on far enough, there will be a Liquidus Snake too.

And he'll be just as stupid.




"C'mooooon, dramatic pause!"




DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
























And that was Metal Gear Solid. A tale full of espionage, mystery and general whatthefuckery.

Out of all the PSX games, especially ones to not use pre-rendered backgrounds, I'd say MGS is definitely one of the few that manages to hold up surprisingly well, even nearly a decade and a half later. The writing is.... pretty average, by today's vidya standards, but back then it was... also, pretty average, admittedly. The biggest problem with its writing is still an issue that unfortunately plagues the series to this day. The simple storyline concepts are constantly repeated for hours on end, while the confusing elements are skimmed over once and then never properly expanded upon.

Of course, the voice-acting, which was downright phenomenal for a game back then, and still darn good today, really helps make up for the over-expositionary and redundant dialogue. It's a standard game that presents itself extremely well, if you want the summary of my feelings right now.

Gameplay-wise is probably where the game holds up the most, outside the just-mentioned acting. The simplicity of the controls and amount of things Snake can do really helps it still be fun after all these years. Especially when later installments (3 and 4 are very guilty of this) would add in so many new elements and gameplay quirks that, while fun, really do bog down the experience somewhat. It's just fun to be able to hide from guards or sneak up behind them without having to worry about things like Camo Index, CQC, Octo-cammo, Psych Guages, running/sneaking stances ect, ect.

And, of course, you can't discuss Metal Gear Solid without mentioning the cinematic appeal of the title. While the PSX graphics, natually, bog it down, it was the first console game that made the player feel like they were inside a movie set-piece. Something the games industry is really starting to enjoy this generation, with things like Uncharted, Call of Duty, ect, ect. While Final Fantasy VII two or so years before showed that games could be cinematic, Metal Gear Solid showed just how well it could be done. The game couldn't have been even one shred as good if it wasn't for the crazy ol' cinema-obsessed mind of Hideo Kojima.

Actually, it holds up well enough, at least in my opinion, that the two of you that haven't played the game should definitely consider purchasing it if you somehow managed to enjoy this LP. Even though I just spoilt everything. Whoopsie-daisy!

Many thanks to friends and the occasional wacky passer-by for comments and kind-words on the LP and how to possibly improve it (not doing anymore would be a great start HURRRR) and I shall see you for whatever entry pops up next!









Next time, on Metal Gear Solid.