Working as Intended

Ah, Metal Gear Solid 2. Where do you even begin with a title like this?

Well, depending entirely on who you ask, MGS2 is generally either a post-modern, surreal masterpiece that most people are 'too ignorant' to understand, or a fun title that, sadly, has the most impenetrable storyline ever conceived in video game history. Regardless, it's pretty well documented that MGS2 is a game that starts of very much like its predecessor, and then at two points later in the game, the plot goes what can only be described as completely batshit insane.

Getting past all of this, however, is a wonderful sense of symbolism and message that Hideo Kojima wanted to express to the players of the game about letting the series go, and indeed, the very nature of sequels themselves. However, practically nobody understood any of it. Which is a shame, because most of it is actually pretty darn interesting.

As for this wacky LP, I decided to tackle Substance purely because it has a PC version available, and PCSX2 loves being unpredictable way too much for my liking. I'll have to worry about it for Metal Gear Solid 3, but that's unavoidable. Some friends have asked if I can do a round up on all the features Substance has at some point, so I might tackle that after the main story has come to a close and systematically destroyed everyone's brain.

But all of that can wait until later~

Let's get this lovable trainwreck underway!











Enjoy the video? Good. Because in about two hours time the game will look absolutely nothing like that.





If anything in the next eight hours is remotely plausible, then I want the next shuttle off this planet. Because, damn.





"I met a rough trick named Filly in an alleyway down behind the piers. City that Never Sleeps, indeed."





"Which meant that Campbell and Naomi were not a part of this mission, thank the various gods above."





Well, this game would be pretty darn stupid if the titular plot devise never actually appeared in it.





Snake reveals both his reading ahead of the script and acute awareness of the fourth wall.





"It was about two o' clock in the morning, New York City, when she slithered into my office like a snake on ice. A woman with more curves than an Alaskan road. I quietly stashed the cigarettes and whiskey under the desk next to my persuader and welcomed her in. She was a classy dame, but a kinda shine in her eyes made her have bad news written all over, like August of '90.

'You're Snake, aren't you?' she asked 'Mr. Solid Snake, Private Detective?'

'That's me, honey.'

'I need you to find a man...'"





"'Of course you do. This fella' got a name?'

I knew I couldn't trust her as far as I could throw the Chrysler Building, but I was desperate for a case. Anything.

'Afraid I'm aware of it, Mr. Snake.'

'That's quite alright, darlin'. Siddown and tell me anything about him. Age, size, any distinguishable detailin'.'

She was starting to get to me. Maybe it was the hint of tears in those large, blue eyes of her. Maybe it was those long legs, finest silk streaming over them like fabric champaign. I could already tell this was goin' to be no ordinary case. Not that those ever existed in this city. 'Well, he was... tall. Dressed up in red, grey and green. Had a real distinguishing air to him.'

'And where did you see before he went astray?'

'He.. He said he was taking the last skiff across the water this evening.'

'Hold ona second there, doxy. Surely you're not referin' to...'

'I surely am, Mr. Snake..... METAL GEAR.'"





Unfortunately for the cameraman, Konami forgot to close the bridge down before doing the dolly shot.





"Right. Stealth Camo time! .... Wait, why was I wearing the coat again? Oh, who cares, I look aweso---"




"WHOA NELLY!!"





And that was the last time Snake would ever run on a slippery surface...





"OW FUCK JESUS OW FUCK MY KNEES! GOD, WHY HASN'T MAN INVENTED PARACHUTES OR SOMETHING!?"





"Right. Okay. Now... Why did I do that again?"


















The 'sneak point' being 'the part of a boat you slam into when you fling yourself randomly off a bridge at night'.





"Also, I think my pinky-toe is bent all the wrong way. It's meant to go straight upwards, right?"





"Yeah. One night out with her, and now I can't stop scratching! And there's this growth on my... y'know what? Forget it."



Who is Snake talking about? Because if it isn't everyone I think he and I went on clearly different missions.








"You know how I'm explaining events between Shadow Moses and now, despite the fact you should know about them?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Isn't that just neat~!"





Well, if he didn't want to be backtraced he shouldn't have put them up on Craigslist.





Every website has its own Metal Gear? Well, where the fuck is mine!?

How long has this been going on for? HOW LONG!?





HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-NO.





So it's Snake then, basically?





.... How?





"Yup. That's a Metal Gear alright. Welp, Mission Accomplished. I'm going home now!"





"Graphics engine, new powers, we don't even know if Alex Mercer is returning yet!"





"-- if it inexplicably roars like a dinosaur. You know, the crucial details."






"After months of pain-staking analyzing of this information here, I can conclude that Metal Gear.... is a robot!"





Otacon, please. This is Metal Gear Solid 2. Not Metal Gear Solid 4. C'mon.





Really? That's the best name you could come up with for your philanthropic organization?

It's like naming a charity Charitable or something.





"Look, we even get our own little U.N cuff-links! Aren't they just darling~?"





It's like they're both trying to explain the concept of the organization they both founded to each other.

Awfully awkward time to be having this conversation, I would think.





"Whoa, slow down, Hal! I like you, as a friend, and all, but I have Filly to take care of that!"





"Mmmm, nice ass on that one...."





"Well, shoot, you just ruined my cunning plan of getting immediately caught and thrown in prison for years and possibly executed. Darn it all, Hal. How am I supposed to get anything done now. Pssssh!"





"Of course I am! Got it straight from Naomi herself. She's always been a trustworthy ally, you big silly."





HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX!!





Really? You think the top-secret Metal Gear isn't going to be proudly displayed on the deck of a boat driving down the river of one of the world's densest metropolitan areas? It's vital information like this that made Otacon the brain-trust he is today!





"Guess who's going to be getting a surprise in bed during the night~? ;) "





SUDDENLY, SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS!!





"Man, I love having my neck not suddenly punctured. So awesome!"





Whatever gave it away?





Actually, they play a mean game of poker like you wouldn't believe.






"Hmmm, depends. Will they need to keep some on as backup to refill the room once you've emptied it out and left?"





Russians? As an enemy in a video game? Oh-hoho, how delightfully absurd!





"Oh, nerts, I think someone down there might be confused about my nationality. Time to put on the ol' stereotypical Russian hat. Man, I love this thing. Hey, Artem, have I ever told you how I got this hat?"

"Only every time you ever put the damn thing on, sir..."

"I got it in a vodka drinking contest, as I was busy cursing all things capitalism and punching bears!"






.... It's honestly amazing how these two ever get anything done.

We can now safely conclude that the Russian military commandos are, in fact, Russian military commandos.





"Unlike those uncivil models which do nothing but lounge about on the helipad and giggle at their own farts."






Otacon clearly isn't as familiar with the Internet as he'd like to believe. The only responses he'd ever get would be:

"XD SO FAEK!!"

"hahaha very funay lern to photoshop betta nxt time seriously u can see the pixels"

"There's absolutely no way anything like that could possibly exist. I should know, since I am a commenter on the Internet and one of my distant relatives I never talk to is somewhat affiliated with the military. If you would like to know more, and I'm sure you do, I have an Angelfire homepage that will show just how much of an uneducated bore you truly are! Furthermore..."
"LOL VIRAL"








Right. Time for some gameplay explanation~!

If you don't care, and I can't possibly imagine why, feel free to skip the next few images.





MGS2 introduces an absolute boat-load of new gameplay mechanics. The more important ones are that you can go into first-person mode with any weapon now, and you can hold soldiers up. I don't think they give you anything if you hold them up from behind, but from the front they will jiggle weirdly (NOT LIKE THAT) and give you some free items (usually ammo or a ration).

Oh, also, you now have a gun that fires tranquilizers.





You can also now drag bodies out of the way of any possible enemy patrols. If put asleep or otherwise knocked out, they'll eventually awaken and call the radio for back-up. Unless you shoot the radio, of course. What should be taken from this is that more time was clearly spent on putting in definitely appreciated, but downright absurd amounts of detail, instead of say... believable exposition.





"Sleeping guys can swim, right? Y---Yeah, they probably can. Just like fish! ... Probably."





Oh, boy, the first annoying codec call of the game~

The more things change, the more they stay the same and I really wish they didn't.





"No shit? And here I thought the door on the side of the ship led to Dimension Zod or something. Silly me!"





And now Snake knows how to operate ladders, elevators and doors. He's almost a functioning human being!





"'cuse me there, pal. Look, if you didn't want me to step on your chest then you shouldn't have suddenly fallen unconscious when I shot you in the arse with a tranquilizer, alright?"





Also, back to the gameplay for a sec', enemies can detect your shadows now.

Not that they ever will, since the game seems to ignore this feature after the first five minutes. But, y'know....

TECHNOLOGY!!





Also, you can shoot out individual bottles in the bar, and even shoot the ice-cube holder on the bench in the lower-left corner and watch the ice skatter and then melt realistically. Or shoot the glass panel behind Snake and watch it shatter based on where you shoot it.

Again, TECHNOLOGY!!




"I sure am glad I brought my iPod with me today. Oh, Ke$sha, only you understand me during these troubling times..."





Eh, I'll just put him in here. What could go wrong?





A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA!? 





Oh, I swear to God, Otacon, if you say what I think you're going to say....





I KNOW.





I can't tell if Otacon's babblings are unwarranted or not. On one hand, he's telling Snake the most blindingly obvious information ever conceived by man, but on the other, Snake apparently needs have his own organization explained to him and can't gasp the concept of security cameras or second floor basements. It's like an onion. Just layers and layers of stupid.





On the plus side, we found Snake's always trusty companion aboard the mysterious vessel. Hooray~!





Uh-oh...





THE ORANGE PERFECT DISGUISE.





Mwahahahahahaha!!





Sadly, the cutscene ruins my fun and removes the box from Snake. What a gyp!





You know, maybe it's just me, but if I was taking over a gigantic tanker holding super secret cargo that I wanted to take without anyone noticing, I don't think my plan would involve shooting the captain and then just abandoning the controls to the wayward hands of fate. I mean, would it kill ya to just have one guy patrolling up here?

What about that Falls Asleep In Front of Oranges guy? He doesn't seem to be doing anything important right now.





GEE WILLICKERS YOU'D THINK THESE GUYS WERE RUSSIAN OR SOMETHING HOW SILLY





Unknown to many people, Russian Hide-and-go-Seek is a lot more hardcore than its western counterpart.





"Oh, I can't read this. The texture's too blurry!"





Is it Lollipop Candy Island? I bet it is~ :D





"If my calculations are correct, that puts it square in the middle of fucked if I know."





The new Metal Gear failed the group testing when it showed up to the raid an hour late on the wrong spec.








"WHAT THE HELL!! YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE PEOPLE WITH THE CODEC!?!"





"Uh, Otacon, while your discussion about whatever you were going on about this time was very motivational and informative, it currently does not revolve around a woman standing out in the rain in a tight-top right in front of me. So I'm gonna have to go now--"

"But what about Metal Gear?!"

"Fascinating. Okay, bye!"





Snake's about to get his Solid on. Aw yeah.





"So, like, Stephanie was all 'oh my gawd' and then I was all 'oh my gawwwwwd' and then oh my gawwwwwd...."





And he apparently brought a shipment of consonants with him too. The day is saved!





"I'm standing out here drenched in this obvious boss arena and the hero hasn't show up yet. Like, what the hell?"





The control room is under control. Good to know!





"Ugh! I've had it with this hijacking. I'm going for a scuttle!"





"I'm being ominous and foreshadowing. Did you catch that?"

"Yes, yes, I got it. Though why did anyone design a vehicle that only one person knows how to pilo--"

"DO NOT QUESTION THE VR!!"





"Oh, please, what's he going to do? Shoot me in the face and then hijack and destroy everything? Don't be daft, woman!"





Ominous portent or sign of poor skyboxing? You be the judge!





"My accent can be just as off-putting and inaccurate as anyone else's. Just give me a chance!"






"B-But... I've never... How did that even happen, father!?"

"I do not know. It is the mystery of our people!"





"..... Well, I'll be damned."





Snake's had enough of your tedious, foreshadowing conversations, Commies!






"WHOA! JESUS OKAY. Okay.... P-Put 'em back down now. Holy hell, I think I'm blind!"





"Women, animals, the occasional baby, if they're being a bit of a dick. We do it all~"





Olga, dear, a pre-battle taunt only works if it actually makes sense or is some sort of follow-through.





"A KNIFE!? WHAT KIND OF STRANGE CONTRAPTION BE THAT!!"





NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLET TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME





.... You're really bad at this whole 'relevant taunting' thing, aren't you?





"That's the second time tonight someone's 'surprised' me with their 'scout knife'. Oh, Filly..."





Probably because they're so stunned by your completely nonsensical tauntings.





And now it's time for the first boss battle in Metal Gear Solid 2~

Which, of course, wouldn't be complete without copious amounts of exposition and....





TECHNOLOGY!!

Olga pretty much just runs back and forth between cover during the fight, and will occasionally either shoot the holdings of the tarp, to make it conceal her position (to which you can just shoot the final holdings of it and make it fly off into the sky) or shine a spotlight on you (which you can shoot and disable, as kinda shown). All in all, it's a basic fight, that was done more to show off details than actually be challenging.

Though the details are still kinda impressive to this day, so I guess it does its job pretty damn well.





"No...zzzzz... class...zzzzzzz..... is it time for cookies..... zzzzzzzzz...."





Not satisfied with the content its users are already providing, YouTube creates flying drones to record and upload any and all silly pratfalls happening on the face of the Earth.





AW JEAH BOIIIIII LOOKS LIKE WE BE GETTIN SOME FREESTYLIN' UP IN DIS HIZZAY!!





"But I believe they may be Russian. I shit you not!"



Bless you!





Sure was convenient for Snake to be around for the one conversation ever uttered about the guy in the original game.





And here I was thinking they just came for the bitchin' shuffleboard party on Deck B. Boy, I was way off.





"If you honestly say that this is like one of your Japanese animes again I swear to god I will punch you right in the dick."

"But I was just going to----"

"Right. In. The. Dick."





"I had to go through at least three different garbage bins behind the local cop-shop for this intel!"





I thought Anonymous was too busy being LEEEJUN to worry about dropping tips?





I like how Otacon takes the time to explain the concept of step-siblings to Snake, as if he was honestly going, "Right. I can fully operate Stealth camo, cables and I know the general schematics and functions of a nuclear equipped, bipedal tank, but what the fuck is this shit about siblings having different parents? I have no idea..."





E.E Cummings? We knew that Guggenheim fellowship wasn't enough for him, the bastard!





This is the Metal Gear universe. There is absolutely no such thing as coincidence.





It'd be the least-conceived plan ever if their trap was to bring an anti-Metal Gear organization the whereabouts of an actual Metal Gear in development, wouldn't it? Unless the Marines and Russians were all just here for shits and giggles. You know, a panty raid taken to the next logical level.





He says that very nonchalantly.

"Hey, honey, dinner's ready!"

"Okay, sweetness, I'll be out in a second. Just finishing hacking the Pentagon's top secret files~!"

"Well, alright, but the potatoes are getting cold!"

"Oooh, potatoes!"





You? Screw up? Pshaw!





Run while you can, heavily armed soldiers and Russian commandos, for Solid Snake is on the scene, and he's packing Unique Selling Points! Oh, however will the poor souls stand a chance?? Snake will surely out-market them all now!





Also, if you feel like being a jerk having a good laugh, shoot Olga with the M9....





"Oh, you're just jealous that I totally unloaded a round on a woman."

"..... Maybe."





Before heading back inside, be sure to grab the Thermal Goggles on the mast.

Otherwise you'll never be able to not use them, because they serve no practical purpose! And we can't have that.





Right. I think that'll do us for today~

See y'all next time!