Working as Intended

I can never seem to churn out the second entry in a game without something going catastrophically wrong. D'oh well.

This time, Photoshop, being an Adobe program and therefor completely incapable of working for more than four nanoseconds at any given time, thought it was hilarious, just hilarious, to crash my computer, nearly take the hard-drive with it and then refuse to open or resize half the images. Hooray! Thankfully GIMP, and a friend, were nice enough to point out and offer a batch resizing plug-in, so all is well.

Until the next accident tomorrow, knowing my luck.












When we last left Solid 'The Whole Thing Stank' Snake, he had just flung himself off a bridge into the Hudson River, but was startled to find that a boat had miraculously replaced all the water. Shortly after, Russians invaded, as is their custom, and scoured the boat in search of a new Metal Gear on board. Apparently nobody in the Marines has ever heard of constant patrol routes and keeping in contact.

Oh, and Snake found and then tranquilized the mysterious Russian armpits female, Olga, who was completely incapable of forming a remotely relevant taunt. With all that said and done, Snake now heads deeper into the tanker in search of more contrived cutscenes answers to the many riddles!





But before we get to that, someone said I really oughta point out the new enemy AI, since I made so much fun of it in the previous game. Well, here you go, mister! The MGS2 AI is much better than the first game, in that if they think you're around, they'll call for back up, quickly and thoroughly search and sweep rooms, and always stay in a group, with eyes pointed in all directions. They have a lot of realistic military movement patterns and animation too, which is nice.

However, they can still only see and hear five feet away, so I'm going to continue making fun of them regardless.





Right. Downstairs we go~!





That can't be Raven.

If it were, he'd be stuck in the smoke-stack on top of the ship insisting that he was driving the stupid thing.





Ohhhhhh, it's an action figure. Of course!

Why is there an action figure of Raven on this ship? Who would make such a thing in the first place?





Y'know, as much as I do enjoy the new gameplay elements in MGS2, the tranquilizer dart makes it stupidly easy to just clear a room and be on your way. Guards take about 4-5 minutes to wake up, and by then you'll have taken all the items in the room, knocked out any additional guards and be on the other end of the blasted ship.

On the plus-side, it is funny seeing a guard discover his sleeping friend and wake him up by kicking the shit out of him.





Fun Fact: There's a Solid Snake hiding somewhere in this image. Try to find him. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised~!





Oh, also there's C4 in this room, for some reason. You can disable it by shooting the little green light shown above. Do not, however, do what I did and skip the codec conversation explaining this, then go 'Oh, I must shoot the C4 directly then," take out half the goddamn ship and by greeted by a stupidity-induced Game Over screen.





Oh man, Snake's out after curfew now. He's gonna get so busted!!





This hallway just goes on in a straight line forever. It's like if the Final Fantasy XIII crew designed a ship.

HAHAH--Aw ;  ;





"It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! NOTHING AT ALL!"

Stupid sexy Snake!





So Campbell's taught them how to use it as well? The double-crossing bastard!





Thankfully it's a speech in a Metal Gear game, so they have the entire night open to them.




"Especially anybody!"





"Oh, don't worry, son. It will."





"Tom Clancy called. He says he wants his generic Russian villains back."





She got tranquilized right in the face on the bow of the boat. She aint exactly going anywhere.





"Say, I have a hypothetical question for you."

"Oh, god, what is it this time, Andrei?"

"Okay, so, like, what if, and this is just like, you know... what if, man."

"Out with it!"

"Okay, so, what if we're not alone on this tanker? We keep finding our guys with tranquilizer darts in their eye-socket and/or crotch, and, hell, we've actually seen a mysterious guy running around the upper sections of the boat."

"Look, you, I don't know what kind of crazy actual military thinkin' school you went to, but where I come from, Russia, of course, we're taught to strictly walk in a straight line, look directly in-front and never question anything unless it's five feet away, alright!?"

"Look, I was just saying...."

"'Just saying'.... Christ. Well, do you see anyone within five feet of us? Do you!?"

"Well, he could be hiding behind the crate up ahead..."

"..... Goddamn, I would shoot you right now if you weren't not directly in front of me."





Screenshot from a 2001 Metal Gear game, or any current third person shooter ever made?

YOU BE THE JUDGE!





Oh, Snake, and those soldiers were only three days away from retirement too...





"Now I can be the one to kill Solid Snake. Abandoning my friends and only potential backup has worked perfectly!"





"God, that hallway was long. I'm so pissed I'm going to shoot the first person I find right in their ugly face!"






"Do you know what the gun said to the face?"

"Huh?"

"BANG."

"..... That doesn't make any sen---"





"It's a joke."





"Hahah! Now this door is locked so tight that someone will need, like, a cloth over their hands or something to open it!"





"(C'mon, stick the dramatic pause, Ocelot.... Stick iiiiit....)"





"(Aw yeah..... Wish I had some sunglasses for that, though. Oh well, next time.)"





"Ughhhh, man, my head feels like it weights a to----WHAT THE? HOW DID I GET IN HERE!?!"





"Okay, if I could just... open the... d--Argh! The handle broke!!






Hello? Is anyone there?


..... I'm cold and hungry...."





"Yes, mother, I've made it into the holds. Is there anything else you'd like to nag me about today!?"





"Especially the one I just walked through, and therefor should have no logical idea that it's been sealed behind me."





The world's largest and most abstract pillow fight?





"B--But then we won't be recognized. Okay, Snake, maybe you don't use these U.N cufflinks, but damn it all, I do!"





"As opposed to what, Snake? A hold full of mimes pretending to be Marines?"

"Look, I'm just saying is all! You're just spippy because you might have to take back those cuffs."

"Well, do YOU know anything else that could possibly accessorize with my glasses? No, you don't!"





That would be because they're all stupid.





I'd make a snide comment about MGS2's attempt at humour, but it's honestly not like mine's any better.





"Actually, I can! I believe it's right down there on the leeeeft and--No. No, wait. That's the Marines."





"If Metal Gear is in stasis, do not, I repeat, do not, grab the nearest key-card and activate it AGAIN. Seriously!"





"It's fake. Also, a giant robot dinosaur. Like, what the hell, am I right, guys?"

There. The government just instantly invalidated the works of this entire mission. Bravo!





"They didn't put in a 'character flaw' :3 WE'RE ALL SCREWED!"





"You see? This is why I never want to have phone sex, Otacon."

"Oh, one time, I asked. One time!"





Wait, so... you know someone is monitoring and recording the contents of your highly fringe and top-secret operation, but you're not going to do anything about it? That's generally a very good sign that you should abandon the mission altogether, especially since whoever is monitoring now probably knows everything you're about to do.

What if it was the Marines themselves?





"Wonderful. I brought this carrier pigeon all the way out here now for nothing!"




"Wait, how did you make sure nobody else could?"

"Priced it over $10."

"Ahhhh..."





A question that applies to pretty much everything this series has ever done.





Uhhh, Otacon? I think that was rhetorical.






If he didn't, we'd probably still be listening to your technobabble as Metal Gear activates and blows everything up.





Otherwise....? I don't know, maybe the Marines will walk five feet closer to Snake than usual and finally spot him.





Maybe he should discuss the beach then.





And now begins the thrilling crawl through two chambers of the most ill-sighted Marines ever birthed.

I have no idea what happens if you run out of time, since the game gives you a disturbingly large amount of it to complete the task with, but, hey. What I do know is that if you get caught by the Marines, it throws you nigh-instantly into the Game Over screen after a tiny cutscene of Snake going "Oh shit. Right. Avoid the Marines...."

Also, there's a giant green screen here for... some reason.






While all this sneaky-sneaky bollocks is going on, Dolph (the big cheese) blabs on in the background about the history of Metal Gear RAY and how it's just the bee's knees. Most of it is pretty interesting, but if I screen-capped it all here it would take at least two entries to go through. The gist is that RAY is awesome, REX drools and everyone else is working with the REX schematics that Ocelot leaked, so they're all a bunch of weenies.






Or Snake.

Guy seems to have that shit down by this point, you know?





Also, in the crowd there's a man who, for reasons beyond my comprehension, is wearing just his boxer shorts.

You can tell this is a video game and not the real military because he's standing down here in the holds and not being forced to run fifteen laps of the entire tanker in the storm, wearing nothing but said boxers while someone screams in his ear the entire way. It's all about credibility, folks.





Thankfully, however, the Marines are not against enlisting the nearly legally blind and deaf, so Snake makes it by A-OK!






METAL GEAR!?





My god.

It's some sort of... giant... diseased, beached, mechanical sperm whale thing!





Now comes the picture taking~ In order to apparently make proof of RAY irrefutable you have to take pictures of it from the front, front left, front right and the Marines insignia on one of RAYs wing/arm/flipper doodads.




HAY DON'T MIND ME GAISE JUST BEING A BOX HERE BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX BOX





Seriously? How is nobody monitoring this thing?

I know I should be thankful, and I don't wanna be that guy, but c'mon. Really? It's four feet away!





"Uh, yeah, technical support? I need some help. My screen's full of this green and texty shit. I don't know."

"Okay. And what terminal would this be at, sir?"

"Oh, y'know, the top-secret one where Metal Gear is. See, I snuck aboard and I'm trying to grab some photos and---"

"You're what!? That's a top secret terminal! You're can't hack into that!"

"Yeah, it's really hard. Annnnnywho, what's all this 'kernals' crap that's clogging the screen?"

"*sigh* I'll go get my supervisor..."





Oh, you've been waiting all goddamn game to say that line, haven't you?





Snake's career as a voyeuristic photographer got off to a flying start.

Also, the game actually takes a picture of FRAPS if you have it running with the game. Now that's kinda funny.





"Well, maybe you can't, baby."





"Alright!"

"Woo!"

"Yea---Wait a minute. Where's the door!?"

"WHAAA!?"

"OH GOD"

"WHY WASN'T ANYONE STANDING WITHIN FIVE FEET OF THE DOOR!? WE'RE GOING TO STARVE!! THIS IS WHY WE RUN THOSE DOOR FINDING DRILLS EVERYDAY, PEOPLE!"





Ocelot decides to toy with fate and speaks up, hoping the Marines won't instantly spin around and shoot the intruder.





Is that anything like the Shrine of the Silver Monkey from Legends of the Hidden Temple. Man, that show was awesome!








"Please. You and what army--"





"Oh. Right."





"I'm sorry, could I ask for a name that's not retarded?"





"(Dramatic pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause....)"





"(Swish. Two in a row!)"





"I want one of those awesome little Russian hats. I know I could just go and ask one of my troops for one, but I just kinda shot a guy in the face because I was all mad about a stupid hallway and, well... it'd be mega-awkward to go back and get one now."





Sure, if your intent is to have it not do anything of particular use.





Well I doubt he was going to ask politely to take it around the block for a spin, braindexter.





So, basically.... NO U?





Okay, how did he seriously manage to sneak up through a crowd of Marines to take Mr. Whatshisface captive? These have to be the least attentive and functional soldiers ever created! Which... well, I guess we know who the ancestors of the Halo Marines are now.





"Does breathing count as moving? PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME."

"Okay. Fine. Nobody make any major movements."

"So... I can slightly move my finger and pull the trigger?"

"What? NO!"

"Aw...."





"Hah. Dude. This is gonna go so viral now!"





Unfortunately for all concerned, Ocelot does not count 'exploding' or 'shooting you in the face' as needless.





Now, you might be asking yourselves that since we're inside the depths of a boat, how can the Russian soldiers scale down from the roof, which has no openings? To which I would reply that's an excellent question.





"Okay. Okay! Gosh, what a slave-driver..."

"WHO SAID THAT!?"

"Please don't shoot me!"

"I'm not going to shoot anyone, and I'll shoot anyone who disagrees!"





"..... Aw, fuck. Ocelot! He figured out our plan!"





Fascinating. Do go on.

Or, preferably, don't.





Never ask that question, Dolph, or we'll be here all night...





See? Now you've gotten him started! Never get an MGS villain started.





Hahaha. I like this guy. He asks the right questions.





"NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY GENERIC PAIN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"





Norway!

Nah, I'm just screwing with you. Of course it was America. They're all complete jerks in any work of fiction, y'know!





Impossible! There isn't a single vodka bottle or awesome mustache to be seen!





"Good thing I have a very long and totally not being back-stabbed life ahead of me to fulfill this dream!"





I think eBay probably has policies against such a sale anyway. Bummer.






Metal Gear used to be owned by a New England football team?

I swear, these mascots get more and more abstract by the season...





The "What-what-what-what-what"?





Man, Ocelot's become such a sell out ever since he went commercial!





Ahhhh, union difficulties. It all makes sense now.





Don't you mean. MR. PRESIDENT???

I almost wrote Mr. Kennedy then. Stupid Resident Evil 4...





This may seem like a cruel abandonment of country and past, but actually Ocelot's mother was named Russia.

They had a falling out. Very tragic.





Is this an unconventional way of saying he's in the closet?





You're not helping your case here, game!





"Unless you care to.... snuggle~?"






"AAAAARGH! EAT ANGRY RANDOM MARINE COMMANDANT, OCELOT! YOU CUR!!!"





"I may be getting attacked, but there's always time to remove a coat dramatically!"





And everyone lived happily ever after~





"(Goddamn, I'm on a friggin' roll today, baby!)"





And then Ocelot shoots all the Russian soldiers.

Which, I don't know, seems like a stupid decision when the Marines are just standing right next to you. Oh, and also the two Russian soldiers on the railing above, who might be a tad peeved that you just killed their friends.





"Yup. Just gonna swing my gun around dramatically now. So awesome. Not gonna worry that any of the dozens of soldiers could shoot me at any moment, because, fuck it, the idiots haven't done it so far!"





"Pssst! Hey? What do you think he means by that?"

"Duhhhhhh, I'unno. I'm just hired to point my gun at someone I can't see, due to my stoopid helmut. You?"

"Not sure, man. I... I think he means we're going for a biathlon. Those are always great ways to bond with your fell---"





"OH JESUS SHITFUCK!!"





And despite all the soldiers firing at him, not a single one can hit the slowly walking Ocelot.

No wonder the guy's so arrogant. He's in a world full of Stormtroopers.





WHAT!!





Incoming World's Most Stupid Plot-Twist in 3...





2...





1...




Sadly, Ocelot never did read the user manual for doing the Potara Fusion.

Side-effects may include: Nausea, melodramatic acting and sudden urge to jump sharks.





Yeah, that was about my bloody reaction.




'Naomi didn't program something to kill you' isn't exactly an insult, y'know, Liquid.





"I'm foreshadowing a game that wasn't even going to be made when this came out! Isn't that crazy?"





Well, you know wha---- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do it. How the fucking fuck can Liquid be alive inside Ocelot, exactly!?

SERIOUSLY.





Right. As far as I can tell, it seems to go something like this:





Though I'm pretty sure that's not how anything works.





D.. Don't try to make any sense of it, Snake. It's honestly not worth it.





Elsewhere aboard the ship, poor, innocent Marines are trying to flee from the game as fast as humanly possible.





But, damn it, if the plot's going down, it's taking everyone with it!





"H.... Hello? What's going on? ......... Anyone? Please..."





"Time for the ol' alley-oop!"




"This is detached back-up battle unit, ADA. Do you request control instructions?"





"Well. Looks like it's time to make like this tanker...."




"... and split."






THE METAL GEAR HAVE STARTED TO MOVE!!

AGAIN.





".... They honestly don't pay me enough to put up with this bullshit."





Yes. I think he kinda gathered that was your intention.





"Use your weapons! They are designed to inflict damage!"





Oooooh, maybe not.





I gotta hand it to the Marines. They know how to improve something. REX definitely needed more LASERFACE!





Though did they really have to make it continue roaring like a dinosaur? Who exactly green-lights this shit?





This isn't a voice of concern. A copperhead just slid into Otacon's office and scared the bejeezus out of him.





Hey, there! Metal Gear~! Flying through the skies so fancy free~!





".... Right. That's it. When I get back to base Otacon's getting such a dick punching."





So it's a backflipping, giant, robot, laserface, dinosaur then. It might just be the most sensible thing this entry.

And I think I'm going to cry now.





"Guess's who got a new desktop wallpaper~!"





At least something in this chapter was.





NEWS FLASH! HUDSON RIVER! PLOTHOLE EMERGES. TAKES TANKER DOWN WITH IT.





"nyeh nyeh nyeh we already knew that tell me something i don't know you expositing cockmongler"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, LIQUID, I'M TRYING TO DRAMATICALLY PAUSE AGAIN!"

"make me mothafuckaaaaa"





DUN DUN DUUU-Wait, that was already revealed. Disregard!





And on that dramatic note, it's time to say goodbye to both the Tanker chapter, and this entry~

See you next time for.... A SURPRISE O:

Unless you've played this game already, then no. No, not at all.