Working as Intended

And, lo, the tanker section of the game has some to a close.

It's a lot of fun to play through, even though 90% of the immaculate details the game (and the PS2) boasts about are in those 40-60 minutes. The rest of the game is still very spiffy, but you won't encounter an interactive or highly detailed object every single room anymore. Which... well, there are games this gen that don't feature even half of that, so I can't exactly complain about MGS2's.

Not really much else to say at this point, except that the events of this entry are extremely infamous amongst the Metal Gear Solid fanbase for shattering it in half, based on pro or con feelings. And, well, if Liquid living on as Ocelot's new arm couldn't do that, it should probably speak for itself.

Just for the record, though, I actually like the change, and I'll explain later. But, enough of this crap, let's move on!










Campbell helpfully establishes the time and place for people he really shouldn't know are listening  






Really? Because my classic nightmares usually involve giant elephant-sized spiders and aliens and... uh... other things I rather not go into detail about. Can't say terrorists dumping oil into the ocean is one of them, however.

Maybe if you're a dirty hippy.





Good. Because if BP did it we'd probably still be trying to clean the goddamn thing up.

not at all topical humour hurrrrrrrrrrrr





Investors weren't confident that Shell had what it took to survive, so they brainstormed up a new corporate image.





Well, it'd be pretty damn pathetic if the complex was seized by an unarmed group, wouldn't it?





Snake tries his best to get into the bar, despite being underage.






Apparently this is a play on words for an actual anti-terrorist squad called Red Cell.

Uh.... Deep?





"By which I mean they're all batshit loco, but they have super-powers for some completely inexplicable reason."





Uhhh, let me see here. They want...

1) Believable backstories.
2) Non-melodramatic personalities.
3) Logically explainable super-powers.
4) More than 15 minutes of screentime.

Boy, did they pick the wrong game!





Wow. Liquid really was aiming small in the first game, wasn't he?




"Those crafty bastards!"





"Yup. That's a big fuckin' shell, alright."





Holder of the of coveted title of Most Generic Name Outside of Jack Smith.





I think the President has been used more as a plot-twist in MGS then in any other political thriller ever.

And don't worry, they'll only do it a dozen more times.





"They've also got Hideo Kojima hostage and are forcing him to hold back on releasing Zone of the Enders 3."

"My god...."








..... How's this different from the usual New York river ecosystem?






"1) Split the Metal Gear franchise in half.
2) Buy me a donut. Jelly-filled. The fuckers I'm working with won't let me have one, yet they're eating those fake nutritional bars by the box load EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE EVEN LESS HEALTHY I MEAN WHAT THE HEL--Sorry. Didn't mean to burst out like that. Baby steps, Campbell. Baby steps...."





Done and done!

And nobody had to get shot out of a torpedo this time either!





ie: Shoot them in the face until the game lets you proceed.





".... that when I was six years old, I accidentally killed my brother's fish and blamed it on the family cat. Just thought I'd get that off my chest."





"Thus making your entire infiltration unnecessary. Sorry about that."





This is no time to be thinking about drugs, Snake!





"Until you get a few drinks in her, anyway. Then.... damn, girl!"





That's a navigationally convenient place to start from!





"Oh, well, y'know, first I woke up and had a shower, then I made some toast. Buttered, Vegemite, of course. The I spoke to Sheryl from the local wive's club about the new fundraiser. They're having a Tupperware party later today! Ooh, I do ever so hope I can make it. Anyway, then I brushed my and and applied the usual make-up, and then...."





"The sharks have finally done it. They've broken through our advanced fence technology! The cunning fiends!"








"Your name is now McBonerton Von Tallywacker."

"W---Why would you name me that?!"

"Did you get me that donut?"

"...... No."

"Then, yeah, welcome to the club, Tallywacker."





Ah, such an excellent question.





The Metal Gear/Mortal Kombat cross-promotion never caught on.





"Sure! If by that you mean I skipped the classes and laid about in my dorm playing Assassin's Creed."





"Yeah, you really shouldn't."

"Hey!!"





Why does everyone always stress this? They're sending in infiltration experts. I think they'd kinda understand that already.





Aw, but I wanted to just stay down here and do nothing the entire game. No fair!





Defeating Eggman usually seems to do the trick.





"Do you want me to explain how to use the elevator, Raiden? I bet you do! Okay, so---"

"No. No, that's cool. I know how they work."

"... A--Are you sure? Because I really don't mind explaining how!"

"It's okay..... Are you crying?"

"I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE I HAVE TO GO NOW"





Awfully nice of the military to not inform a soldier what he's wearing until well after the mission starts.





They tried developing "Dumb Skin" but all it managed to do was buy up stocks in gold.





Translation: Use the door, numbnuts.





"Well, this sure is a hatch. The brass will be pleased with the vital intel gathered today!"





SUDDENLY: An enemy approaches, apparently suffering from a severe brain-freeze.

Those bloody New York Big Gulp shakes will get ya every time...





"IN A TERRORIST-RUN FACILITY? INCONCEIVABLE!!"





Sounds like a Russian folk-song.





SUDDENLY.... AGAIN: Raiden spots a mysterious figure behind the forklift  O:





DAT ASS





"And he's got the steely buns of a bronzed god!"





Ahhh. Must be a Beastmaster, then.





"Not to mention certain... other... qualities that give me deep and confusing feelings."







HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR





Why not give him the map of the structure before sending him here? I mean, it is a government controlled facility right? Stands to reason the government would have a map of it an---Oh, whatever. Forget it.





NANOMACHINES

NANOMACHINES EVERYWHERE





"Whoops! Sorry! 'cuse me there, bud. Just walking through~"





"Adobe PowerNode, huh? Well, I'm sure this will be helpfu--"





"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!!"





Then, for some reason, the game asks you to put in some basic personal information. Okey-dokey then!

Though why it asks for blood type, I have no idea.





"You activated a computer and only managed to slightly electrocute yourself. You're almost like my father now!"





"Hey, Campbell. If it was previously explained that the Genome soldiers had poor eye-sight due to being mass-produced, digital clones, why do the fully trained and naturally birthed Russian soldiers have the same problems?"

"Because shut up."





Ahhh, good to see the people in charge haven't fixed a single damn thing since it was created four years ago.





I have that too. It's called a Memory Card.





IT BEGINS.





She won't be overseeing my patience and mental support, that's for damn sure.





"That's only because I caught her sniffing my garbage last week and giggling to herself!"





Which means it's perfectly natural for this series.




"Really?.... Well, shit, that kinda ruins my justification for this then."





"... it's that making a giant robot roar like a dinosaur takes immediate priority over developing proper defenses for it."





Rose speaks clearly to both Raiden and the player about the next seven hours.





Is one of them not bugging me for the rest of the game? Because I'd like that very much.





"YEAH! YOU DON'T GET TO JOIN OUR AWESOME CLUB!! WE DON'T WANT COOTIES!"

"Jack...!"

"Sorry."





Oh, gag.








Rose just wants to make sure Raiden isn't having phone sex behind her back.





Translation: "As long you don't bother me, I couldn't give a flying shit."








"*snicker* Such a stupid name..."

"What was that, Rose?"

"Oh. Nothing.... *chortle*"






"Oh, wait, of course I remember now, sweety! .... It's Queen's Day in the Netherlands! How could I forget?"





Please don't.





I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT, CHIEF!





Or I could just shoot all the guards in the butt with the tranquilizer.

That's thinking smarter, not harder!





Well, that was surprisingly easy.





I think I saw a porn movie with the same name as that.

No, wait, that was Bums of Liberty. My mistake.





DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN





"He doesn't have the official Konami seal of approval on his right buttcheek!"





"Apparently he discovered a plot twist so awful he just lost the will to live...."





Metal Gear just hasn't been the same since Tetsuya Nomura was hired for character designs.





"Oh, god, my neck. Y'know, I bet Snake didn't have to put up with this crap...."





Campbell gives us the lowdown on the Big Shell.

It is, in fact, shaped kind of like a big shell.

Mystery solved forever!





Well, with introductions done away with. Let's start this thrilling adventure of professional espionage an---





WHOA NELLY!!





Slipping on bird droppings, apparently.

Fantastic.





Good to know I won't be able to escape from these codec conversations, regardless of who I'm playing.

Maybe I should fake my death too....





WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING!?





NOPE I AM NOT ANSWERING LALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALALALALAAAA





"Hey, what are your patrol routes today?"

"Oh, you know, just walk back and forth in a straight line between these cubicles. You?"

"Walk around in an endless circle until quttin' time."

"Man, this job sucks. We totally should have applied for that Peruvian separatist group gig. At least they get to meet Sam Fisher, y'know? Who do we get?"

"You're telling me. Cover for me, I'm gonna go walk a predetermined path up to roof and think about flinging myself off."





Heavy surveillance of the nerd node meaning a single guard, since the other walks off to parts unknown.





Oh, also, if you manage to hold up a guard, as explained two entries ago, most of them will give you a Dog Tag, which.... do something, I'm sure. The names on the dog tags are the winners of an old contest Konami was holding for fans, which is kinda neat.





Eh, I'll just put him in here. What could go wrong?





Gasp! Two guards. Raiden's biggest hurdle yet! Oh, however will the poor boy cope?





YA DON'T SAY.





If you wanna follow the game's advice, this is where you're formally greeting to being able to hang and shimmy along objects, which is mighty handy for all of two times you need to use it! Also, to add insult to, well... insult for the poor soldiers, even when you're in their line of sight, they still can't see you here.

Oh, peripheral vision. Who needs that?





Alley-oop!

Well, that was simple. Let's head onto the next strut and see what's in---





---side.





.... Alright, if it turns out a cyborg ninja did this, I'm turning the game straight off.





"Hey, Bill. What did the general mean by 'expendable'?"

"No clue. I just can't wait to retire after this mission and live a happy life with my wife and newly born ba---"





"OH GOD THIS WAS COMPLETELY UNFORESEEN!"





"O--Okay! I... I can do this. Nobody killed these guys. They're... just sleeping in jam. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Sleeping in jam..... with their organs spilling out, because they all... ran with scissors, or something."





"Oh, my. Is that guy giving the other a hickey? Hey! Get a room, you two!"





"JEEZUS SHIT I'M SORRY I'M SORRY GO BACK TO MAKING OUT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"






Stay in school and learn your math, kids. Otherwise, this could be you.





Vamp's ability to levitate mysteriously failed to impress anybody.





GET DOWHN!!!





"Damn! Where'd he go? And on a completely unrelated note, what is that strange sound coming up behind m---"





"Man, I am so bad at this..."





"Heyph canth you movth you handphs i canth breaph here!!"





"I will confirm my theory by not finishing my sentence and not acting upon it in any way!"





Waiting for this cutscene to end, now that you mention it.





Man, the cleaning lady is going to be pissed at the mess Vamp's made today.





Why not tell them now? You have a radio.

You're like those people who, when you call them, insist they'll hang up and tell you everything with text messages!





Well that just made our little fetch-quest all the easier to solve. Hooray!





"brb ttyl lol k :) "





Vamp does his best Batman impression and vanishes from the room instantly, despite everyone watching him.





"Gee, I don't know. I think I'm going to have to ask the Colonel. 'cuse me a sec'."

"To shoot somebody. Press and hold the weapon butto--"

"SHUT UP!"





Slim Shady?

god that's not a dated reference at all





"Yup. Iroquois Pliskin. Pleased to Solid Snake you--I mean meet. Shit, what'd I say?"






.... You're not fooling anybody, you know that, right?





"AND STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT. IT'S CREEPY!"






OR DID HE??????

This just might be the most obvious 'mystery' ever. It's Solid Snake. You know it, I know it, hell, I'm pretty sure blind, deaf Genome soldiers living under an exceptionally large boulder on the farthest corner of Mars know it. Let us just accept this and move on.





This is no time to be flirting, Raiden.





"Hey, my eyes are up here, pal."





"Which was totally of their own choosing, and had absolutely nothing to do with my killing them all. Honest!"





"We played some America's Army, Battlefield, Call of Duty..... Yeah, good times."





When the government wants programmers and technical support guys on the field, damn it, they want them there now.





See? Just look at all that realism!





C'mon, cut the guy some slack, Snake Pliskin. At least find out if he's a camping sniper-whore first.





"W--What? No! When did I ever say that!?"

"I... I don't know. I thought you might've been talking abou---"

"Christ. So this is how Liquid felt..."





Are... so are you, dummy?






"Ahhhh, the old 'Princess is in Another Castle' play. Damn, they're good."





Yup. Totally SEAL Team 10. Not at all Solid Snake or anything. Nope!

Look at all the not Solid Snake that's going on in here!





Considering you can see that Raiden's been running around without a mask for the past hour, I'd going to say... yes.





Snake, not wanting to put up with more codec conversations, opts to violently slam his head into the wall instead.





"Now how am I going to get drunk? Damn it all!"





Ohhhhh yeaaaah. That might be something to mention briefly at some point. Not like it was important or anything!





If that's honestly short for 'Vampire' I think I might be joining Snake in the head-smashing rigmarole.





THAT'S SO WIZARD ANI RAIDEN!





"Alpha! FOX-HOUND's escaped! Recruit a team of teenagers with attitude!"

"We don't have any!"

"Then fuck it, just grab a bunch of assholes with mental problems and call it a day. Whatever."





The government wanted to show VR-trained soldiers how to fight terrorist forces.... so they hired a bunch of mentally unstable people with hitherto-known super-powers?

...

Makes as much sense in this universe as anything else, I guess.





"Man, they were always so EXTREEEEEEME!!"





The other members of Dead Cell sadly learnt the price of standing too close to the edge so often.





Ah, now here's a good question! So what's the answer, Snake, m'boy?





Well, crap.





"THAT'S A FILTHY LIE!! I AM--saw Solid Snake myself! Yup. Totally legit all up in here."



"That happened two years ago, you know!"

"You keep saying that. A... Are you alri---"

"YES I AM! SNAKE DIED TWO YEARS AGO ALRIGHT I KNOW GOD WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP"





"A good Tom Clancy game won't be out for a few years yet. A guy's gotta put some bread on the table, right?"





So Dead Cell just recruited random Russians, as video game villains tend to do from time to time.

But, hey, as long as they don't fire a gigantic bloody space-cannon at us, I think we're good.





"It's a Metal Gear game. They won't tell me shit."





"Well you don't get to come to my slumber party on the weekend then, so nyeh!"




It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.





"Who's the wise guy that set the Error Ratio on these guns!?"





"You know what, kid? You're absolutely right! This is a thing that must be done. Iroquois Pliskin is on the case--"











Oh dear....





NO!