Working as Intended

Chapter 1 of Final Fantasy X-2 is finally over~! Woo!

Overall... this game is certainly one hell of a change from FFX, which is definitely where a lot of the game's poor reputation comes from. I guess if you want more melodrama and an deep look back at the direct events of X then the sequel will disappoint. To me X was pretty much self-contained, so I like that X-2 went in an entirely new direction. It's incredibly stupid at times, but I can't deny that it's a lot of fun, especially the battle system. The only downsides for me is the constant nonsensical events (YUNA DANCING LOLZ) and the mini-games.

Speaking of mini-games, Chapter 2 starts with a doozy. So I figured I'd get all my kind words about the game out now, because I certainly won't be in the mood for speaking positively once I'm done here...








When we last left Brother's Angels, the group has just stolen a plot-triggering sphere from the warring New Yevon and Youth League factions, and were now going to give it back, because... I'unno. Same reason anything else happens in this game?




The faction that won't murder us horribly for taking it in the first place?




"It's too early for me to be thinking for myself :( "




HAH!




Rikku brings up a surprisingly valid point.




Yes, but they're picking the fights against Yevon.




Of course, the most persuasive argument is, "Who will give us 100% completion points?"

Which, of course, is the Youth League anyway! As for why both don't give you the same amount of points, I honestly couldn't tell you. This is FFX-2, if we stood around pointing out every stupid requirement for 100% we'd be here all goddamn day!




Look dramatic all you want, Nooj, but your outfit is just going to cancel out all of it anyway...




Six people standing still and saluting every 20 seconds is pulling out all the stops?

Spira must have some pretty low standards when it comes to celebrations. Which would explain the concert in the opening, I guess...




Great, a Lucille arse-shot. That's exactly what came to mind when I thought of a celebration, game designers...




Annnnd now a Nooj package-shot. I'm just going to go scrub my eyes with bleach and a wire brush now. 'cuse me.


The More You Know~

"Hip-Hip!"

"TAKE IT OFF!

"Hooray....."

"Excellent work, men!"






Better answer quickly, Rikku, before he flips out and stabs you through the torso!




"PLEASE DON'T BURN DOWN MY HOMETOWN  ;    ; "



If it's fashion advice, I'm gonna have to stop you right there, Nooj, m'boy.




That's more exposition than advice, but coolio.




Like Yuna was really going to track it down, prance up to it and flick it in the forehead or something.




Those FOOLS!!




This game has a minuscule enough plot as it is, I'm not ignoring this!

Plus, it's Yuna. If she doesn't solve every single problem in Spira she'll lock herself in the bathroom and write dreadful poetry while crying and punching the mirror.




"... Your hairstyle. Seriously, what the fuck?"




As long as he wasn't wearing a black cape, I don't think it's important to him.




Good to see Auron's tradition of not spilling the beans until the requisite hours of gameplay have passed still lives on in us all.




BUT NO TIME FOR THE ACTUAL PLOT NOW. WE'VE GOT SHENANIGANS TO DEAL WITH YO




IMPOSHIBIBBLE!!



Oh noes, not the sphere that hasn't served any actual point so far!




IT'S A BOMB O:




Could you please rephrase that in a non-sexual manner? I'm going to need every shred of sanity I can find.



She must be a powerful wizard indeed!




LANGUAGE, MISS




I know, the least she could do is utter an actual swear or something!




Now that's a scary thought....




Sorry, Paine, but Yuna's off in her LALALA LET'S IGNORE THE PLOT AND BE PRETTY LALALALAA-LAND




There we go.




I say let it just destroy the world horrifically. It's not like we're going to lose anything of value.




Yuna doesn't want to get involved in the world's problems, which is why she's flying around on an airship and ignoring the whole Sphere Hunting shtick just so she can help every single goddamn NPC she comes across with their trivial issues.

Methinks the poor girl is a bit confused.




In fairness, after 13+ hours of gameplay you've only gotten 4 spheres, so I can understand them forgetting about the whole thing.




Does the law of the sphere hunters also involve dancing like an idiot while explaining your motives?




FOR GREAT JUSTICE




Or maybe we can just barge through the front door and mow down every motherfucker in the joint?

You have guns, Yuna. It's time to frickin' use them!




Oh, god...





And 'lo, a million kinky lesbian fanfics were probably born.

Though you could say that about damn near every scenario in this game, really.




This'll be a barrel of laughs, I'm sure!




I think this organization forgets that every goddamn waking moment. At least with Mary Suna on-board.




I know you'll be disappointed, but we unfortunately have to put the riveting uniform hunting quest on hold for now. We have side-quests and completion points to get on with, firstly!

Though ever fiber of my being is telling me to just skip Besaid altogether. We may as well deal with the pain now...




There's nothing in the Universe faster than word-of-mouth NPC traveling times. If only we could harness the raw power!




Uh, cool beans?




I'm sure Nooj is pounding the wall in frustration knowing that freaking Wakka hasn't joined up with them yet.




I didn't ask for his life story, Datto. What is this, a BioWare game?




SHOT IN THE FACE, YOU SAY




Good for you, buddy!




That's not exactly saying much, y'know.




In case you haven't noticed, Beclem's a bit of a doucheschnitzel. But don't worry, the writers were very subtle about this.




He and everyone else in this game.




As Yuna and Friends begin to leave, Datto does the old creepy cult bow.

If you have shit-deflecting protection, I suggest you wear some now, as a whole heap of it just hit the fan.





Very subtle about it.

Though he is completely correct. Yevon were manipulative assholes and there are no longer any summoners about, and even if there were, they'd have no function in society anymore since Sin and Yu Yevon the Ultimecia have gone bye-bye.

Though the biggest problem here is that he said this to the resident Mary Sue, so this won't bode well...




If memory serves, you got the last hit on both Braska's Final Aeon and Yu Yevon, so.. I guess it's technically yours?




Eh, threatening, but it'd have been better if she chucked a Lightning and walked over to Beclem and decked him.




If Yuna had any semblance of self-worth she'd kindly inform Beclem to shut his filthy mouth and that she doesn't need to jump through his hoops just to prove herself to anyone, least of all him.

But that means I wouldn't have to suffer a mind-shittingly awful mini-game, and we can't have that.




No matter what I chose, I just can't win...




GOLLY GEE THIS SURE WILL BE FUN, EH WUT SKIPPER




So... UGH! This is the... Gunner's Gauntlet. Or as it should be known; The Bane of My Fucking Existence.

The goal is to run from the ruins down to the Besaid beach in about 7 minutes, while shooting any mobs that might come your way. In a regular game, this wouldn't be so bad, but since this is X-2, there of course has to be a series of conditions and mechanics so wonderfully asinine that I do wonder if the game wasn't intentionally made as an abstract method of torture at times.

First of all, you have to make it to the beach. You could rack up 10,000 points and it wouldn't mean shit if you didn't pass an arbitrary line on the beach. Again, wouldn't be so bad if the mobs you need for the kill weren't two zones away from the finish line. So you have to get the points (no small feat) and then make a mad dash for the finish and hope you get there in time.




Secondly, the game's camera is in absolutely no way designed for the a side-scrolling shoot-em-up type of game. So 90% of the time you can't actually see the monsters you're meant to be shooting. The game thankfully gives you an auto-lock mechanic, but even then you can't see where the mob is or even how many of them there are until they're practically on top of you. Then you get bitten and have to restart the entire damn mini-game again.

Also, for some reason, Yuna never needs to reload her gun, but she'll just randomly stop firing for about 4-5 seconds whenever she damn well feels like it. Which can lead to scenarios like needing to kill a wolf that's charging at you (of which there are two of its friends right behind it that you can't see) and just as it's down to 1 HP, Yuna just stops firing and you'll need to frantically run away from the wolf so it doesn't kill you. Not that it matters, since its friends will just do that anyway.

Also, if you to run straight from the ruins to the beach, you'd probably only get... 120/500 points? So, in order to get the points, you have to stand perfectly still at one section and shoot everything coming at you. As sad as it is, the above screenshot is one of the best places to do this, since you can run backwards quite a ways and... it.. actually gives you the best view of incoming enemies. Which still means you can't see 3/4 of them, and that's if you're lucky.

Also, randomly, a giant bird mob will appear out of nowhere and one-shot you unless you have time to prepare for it, which you won't.

So, in closing, the Gunner's Gauntlet can kindly go suck the world's largest shit-flavoured cocksicle.




But since I'm not complete retarded entirely awesome this time around, I managed to succeed on my second attempt!




You wouldn't be saying that if you saw the battle against Yu Yevon. Easiest shit ever!




Well, yeah, that's what guardians are for. They existed two years ago. It's not like they're freaking Jedi or anything.




"FRIENDSHIP IS THE BEST THING EVER. DON'T YOU AGREE??"






Now, y'see, if Yuna had just said this to Beclem before the Gunner's Gauntlet, I could've been spared a world of swearing and rage. Not that it matters anyway, because...




Beclem's still a fuckrocket and refuses to listen to anything Yuna says anyway.

Which makes the Gunner's Gauntlet and this section of the game Entirely Pointless. Thank you, game designers...




Oh well, at least that's one horrific mini-game off the ol' checklist! Only a depressingly large amount left to go...




Yes, there are in fact more difficult versions of the Gunner's Gauntlet you can run. Honestly, I rather sodomize myself with a Shoopuf.

Thankfully it's not mandatory by any means, so let's get the hell out of here!




With that out of the way, thank Christ, we can now move onto Kilika~




Not as odd as everything else ever in this world, Dona.




Translation: "We're going to have some kinky make-up sex after this is over, so scram!"

This means that the game can't throw another horrible mini-game at me right now. Awesome. NEXT!




Hopefully I don't have to do anything in Luca either~

Hey, I'll take lazy developers over ones that clearly hate me!




The ever-prevalent NPC Dialog Disease claims another poor soul!




If this doesn't end in Chapter 5 with the crazy girlfriend stowing about the Celsius and standing over a sleeping Yuna with a butcher's knife, I'm going to be extremely disappoint.




Just a little down the road, we stumble across a--WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA??

No, not Shelinda! Out of all the NPCs from X to make a cameo, why her? WHY?!

I'll take back everything I said about you developers, just get her away from me!




Hopefully one of those giant flying dongs in the background loses air and crushes everyone on-screen within the next few seconds.




Style. So that's what they're calling it, huh?




You can say that again.




Well, shoot, I though she was talking about the other group that was being lead by a High Summoner. You know, the people who usually die before being given that title.

Though it would be funny if High Summoner Ohalland or someone returned from the Farplane just to chillax and steal everyone's spheres when they weren't looking. The cheeky sod!




I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS, YOU LITTLE PUTZ



God.




I like how all of Spira apparently either somehow never saw, or just plum forgot about Tidus entirely.

And Auron. Again.




"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DISINGENUOUS ASSERTIONS"




POW!




Sadly, Yuna keeps those violent desires trapped away in the back of her mind. Where they wait. Festering. Always.





Oh, ye gods, Shelinda. What have you brought upon us all now?!




Oh, no...




Poor Shinra can only see half of the screen  ;  ;




SOMEDAY WE WILL HARNESS THAT TRAVELING POWER, I TELLS YA




Then why the hell are you traveling around with Yuna?

I'm surprised she hasn't already asked Shelinda if she can fix any of her life's problems while simultaneously filing her taxes.




Does Spira even have Television?

Well, I guess the stadium has those monitors...




Paine accidentally lets slip her voyeurism fetish.




You can help her more by going away forever.




Uhhhh, isn't it illegal to give out gifts to news sources?

I guess Spira doesn't have a board to deal with that stuff yet, what with half the planet fascinated by crystal testicles and the other half being goddamn unemployed hippies!




Not long enough, clearly.




No way!




If this turns into a "OH LADY YUNA YOU ARE SO INSPIRATION MY LIFE NOW HAS THE MEANING UGUU~ :3 " I'm throwing the game straight out the window.





Oh, that's real fucking rich coming from you!




"Not even the prostitution circle wanted me, so I had to take the lowest job I can could find... TV Host Personality!"




So that's how she got the position, huh?




And I sit here crying because of it. I hope you're happy!




Hopefully never again.

Never. Again.




Just like me with this game, really.




Okay, I take it back now. I take it back!




I didn't know Paine was a rapper.




Very deep. I'm sure Squall is weeping with complete understanding at the mere thought of it.




Yuna cares not for their comedy routine!




Anywho, back on-board the Red Monster Schlong once again~

See ya next time, where interesting stuff just might happen!

I wouldn't hold my breath, however.