Working as Intended

And it only took the better part of ten hours!

But don't get too excited, because it doesn't actually kick in until near the end of the entry. X-2's story is a weird creature. It's very interesting, but it's extremely shy and timid, only appearing out of its hole when the conditions are just right. One wrong step and the poor dear will freak out and not show itself for another 10-15 hours.

But enough of that, let's get this show on the road! Or.. something.









When we last left the DullGullwings, Buddy was constantly pestering us about a sphere in Zanarkand. Also, Yuna continued her retread through Spira twice, thanks to that buckfutting publicity quest. But I don't have to worry about that for a little while yet, so let's head back down to Zanarkand!

If Yunalesca's third form is greeting me there, I'm screaming and throwing the game straight out the window.




Good, I don't need you standing on top of a hill and demanding everyone listen to your story.

I've played that game enough times already!




Despite being dressed for such an occupation, Yuna strongly disagrees with the new Zanarkand Hooters.




If a small campfire somehow managed to keep burning for over two years, I'd be pretty interested to see it myself, actually.




I don't know, but I'm sure this'll lead to some craaaaaaaazy hijinks~!




OH BOY




As we'll soon see, everyone who comes to Zanarkand is a goddamn hippy.

I thought they'd be at the Moonflow, but what do I know?




Dressing up like a second-rate jerkbucket tends to have this effect.




Yay, another one of these! They never get old, let me tell you.




Oh, shut up.




Sphere Hunters aren't people? Why you gotta be playa-hatin' against tha SH's, Ponytail-Man!




I didn't realize Isaaru could see me through the monitor...




Fine, then bring in the scientists and researchers. Just get rid of the goddamn hippies!




Yuna's now developed the mindset of people who are clearly cheesed off at something, but decide to go "* SIGH* NO IT'S NOTHING I AM FINE *SIIIIIIGH*" when asked what the deal is.




"Have fun being obnoxiously passive aggressive while I'm gone~"




Hi :D




FILTHY GODDAMN HIPPIES!




Let's see if the dome has anything more interestin'!




Whatever it is, I'm sure it's one more clue than the Gullwings have got.




"I will now loudly announce this in front of several sphere-hunting adults. I am a genius!!"




I'm not buying any fricking hash-filled brownies, you dirty hippy! Go back to playing hacky sack or whatever it is you do!




Having nothing better to do, Yuna decides to chase some small children through the monster-infested ruins.

Don't ever become a mother, Yuna.




OH CHRIST NOT ANOTHER ONE

For the oddly forgetful, this is Pacce, one of Isaaru's brothers and guardians. Despite two years having passed, the small child hasn't changed a single bit. I'm sure it's just that the game developers are lazy bastards he's... um... unsent! Yes, that't it. He just doesn't know it.

Poor dead, delusional, child.




Not near around enough right now, if you ask me.




Aw, that's adorable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go laugh uproariously for a couple of minutes.




THE GINYU FORCE!




A-DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




I'm surprised O'aka didn't burst out of the airship, charge down here and tackle them for every bit o' gil they've got.




About four seconds later, we run across the world's least attentive guard.




DERP




One quick dispatching of a guard later~




Hahaha, I like this guy!




FINISH THAT WORD AND I WILL TURN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACK INTO A MAKESHIFT BONG




God, I hate you so much now.




Oh, it turns out Cid was the only behind turning Zanarkand into a tourist attraction.

How hilarious! Except not.




I can only assume Rikku is swearing her head off at Cid.

Go with it, it's much funnier that way.




Passive Aggressive Yuna to the rescue! Maybe. Kinda. She'll give the enemies a somewhat stern talking to before immediately backing down.




Hello, McFly!




As the camera fades out, Cid walks off to have a bit of a sulk.

See, Yuna? That's what having a backbone gets you. Progress!




I have no idea why, but this sentence always cracks me up.




Oh well, let's go find that sphere!

I'm sure if I went back to FFX and looked in the background I'd find the sphere just hanging out there, chillin'. It's not like the game designers are just reusing areas from the first game for absolutely no reason at all or anything! Also, if you could ignore those brand new treasure chests in the ancient ruins that'd be just swell too.




Now if you could stop casting off your clothes, we'd be set.




OH NO IT'S ZOMBIE YUNALESCA AND SHE'S OUT FOR HOPE BRAINS!

Though can an unsent person become a zombie? I mean, they're already dead and have no physical body. Although Auron could have zombie inflicted upon him, but that was gameplay, so it might be differe---




Oh, right, we're in the middle of something, aren't we? My bad!




Thanks a lot for spoiling that brain-buster of a word puzzle, Rikku!





You have no idea how much I want to pick that fourth option.

But Yuna's already gotten about five marriage proposals already, and she still needs to clean up that unfortunate business with a certain POONTY Guado two years ago, so we should probably grab the option that gives us 100% completion.




HA HA HA HA POP CULTURE REFERENCES THEY NEVER GET OLD HA!




That's the smartest question I've seen all game.




Bit... odd, but at least it beats his last job. Killing yourself to rid the world of a giant demon whale temporarily just doesn't pay like it used to!




If only every character in this game apologized for the events that chapter.

Or they could just not start them at all. That'd also be good!




HOORAY FOR FREE SHIT




Unfortunately not.





DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Sweet jumping marmalade, Yuna!




Please don't.




In order to find the sphere, you have to run down these stairs that didn't function at all in FFX, since they lead to nothing but an abyss, but now they suddenly don't. My, the wonders two years can do to a place!




I think that orange has gone a bit old now.




MONKEY!

... Well, shit.




I was gonna say "open sesame", but that works too.




What would obtaining a sphere be without the obligatory boss battle?

Unfortunately, since this game is mostly designed for people who aren't going to do the side-quests, and I have and gained an extra 5-7 levels out of it, the poor fiend doesn't even last two rounds before dying horribly to ice-based attacks. I have no idea if that's what it's weak to, but it's not like it mattered anyway.




Good. It'll go well with the half-a-brain our pantless leader here seems to be sporting now.




Unless it turns out to be A BOMB :O




*SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH*

I can't tell if I'm imitating her or if that was legitimate. This is not a good sign.




But, who cares? Shit be done now, yo!




Unfortunately, no sooner do we get back on-board the Flying Crab Dildo that another emergency happens!




Gnarly, dude!




Ummm, I'm all for more spheres and stuff, but shouldn't we check on the one we just got first?




Evidently not.




Which explains so much about this operation that it's almost scary.




You might be.




Now, see, if this were a regular insane person, this line would just be bellowed out and that'd be that.

But, no, since this is Brother, we get, "Party! HUAAAHEAAAA! Party! HUAAAAHEAAAA!"

I can't tell if I find Brother hilarious, or if he just majorly weird me out. Probably both!



Anyway, Brother not withstanding, let's go see what this Awesome Sphere is all about.




Porn. Definitely porn.




You weren't even listening, were you?!




I daresay it could even be tubular! Wicked-sick! Bodacious! Reaganomics!




Paine looks like she's about two seconds off killing them.

I know the feeling.




"Go lez out on your own time, we've got shit to do!"




He must go off like a howler monkey if you can hear him from here.




Either that or the cosplay convention took a turn for the worst.




Winner of the 2004 Worst Tetsuya Nomura Designed Character competition.




World's stupidest costume/hairstyle aside, it's nice to see Nooj finally figured out what the hell a Meyvn is and came outside today.




I think they were just trying to stifle back laughter.

I know I am.

*chortle*




You and me both.




It could be worse, Rikku. It could be DISASTERIFFIC!




Well, well, look who decided to grow a backbone.

Good for you! Make sure you don't lose it now~




In the forest, the Youth League and New YevoYevon are having a bit of a spat over the AWESOME SPHERE.

While I'm sure the intention was that we'd have to cunningly find a way around this, it's about as simple as taking four steps to the left and running up a path right next to them. Whoopsie-daisy, guards!




Who in this game isn't odd?

Actually, this is just another silly mini-game, where you have to choose the right password depending on the number of guards at the checkpoint. It's as thrilling as it sounds, I know!




What is with this game's obsession with monkeys?




Oh well, I'm not one to look a gift horse full of stuff I'll probably never use in the mouth.




"... we don't sell pornography spheres here, for the last time!"




That's my line, bitch!




Welcome to my world playing 90% of this game, random New Yevon jerk.




WHOOPSIE-DAISY




"ALSO WE FOUND A GIANT KILLER ROBOT I HOPE THAT'S COOL WITH YOU GUYS"




Must go faster! Must go faster!




This little machina machine fellow is... YLSL-0. Say hello, kiddies!

YLSL-0 is a dickcheese who likes to Blast Punch your healers, so you have to spend half the fight reviving them. Which is especially annoying when you know you could kill the boss in about two turns, due to overleveling, but noooooo. Stupid machina!

Anyway, long story less long, the stupid machina is weak to thunder and goes down faster than a two dollar hooker.




It's a good thing Yuna remembered to shave her armpits this morning, otherwise this could've been very awkwaaaard.




Such an excellent question.




Yeah, I think she's gathered that much, dear.




Hah!




And some people honestly wonder where the Charlie's Angels jokes come from.




Yuna and Rikku giddily prance down the steps while Paine struts behind, waiting for one of them to trip and crack their skull open so she can laugh.




Or grab the sphere and taunt the poor New Yevon jerks. I liked my reasoning more.




FINALLY!




A short while later, Yuna starts to lose that precious backbone of hers.

Oh well, easy come, easy go...




Yeaaaah, I don't think Brother should be the one giving advice about overdoing anything




Just look at this game's reputation, for example.

I don't think it's deserved, but still!




Like, say, barge into an argument between the two largest forces on Spira and steal the very sphere they were fighting for.

That'd just be silly!





Oh, this won't end well...




Yeah, that about sums it up.




Discussion on the events in Kilika, or cunningly hidden apology from the game designers?!

You be the judge!




We went through all the crap and don't even get a new dress-sphere out of it? BOO! BOO, I SAY!




Eh, why the hell not. We've already come this far.




Could it be?

... Why, yes, it is! It's the plot!

How nice of it to finally join us.




Sure, if you completely ignore the fact that the person doesn't dress or sound remotely like 'him'.




Oh, gods, what now?




I...

I have no words.




It's too late to ditch Brother at the nearest school dance recital? Damn!




We're giving the what back to where now?

Well, it was a pretty shitty sphere, I suppose. Didn't even give me the Giant Freaky Plot-Centric Machina Weapon dress-sphere :(




With Brother at the helm of this group I just assumed our reputation was already worthless, actually.




"Having morals and thinking hurts my pretty :( "




................... WHAT




Oh sweet merciful Yevon, NO! Abort! Abort!

This is a world sans Yuna dancing, you hear me! The opening FMV nearly killed me, and that wasn't even her!




Yuna musn't dance.

My fucking sanity depends on it!




Please let that magical backbone of Yuna's suddenly reappear so she can deny this sudden and asinine request. Please don't let the game designers stoop to the lowest common denominator just to add some filler...




OH GOD DAMN IT!




HELLO PEOPLE

FORBODING SPHERE THAT HAS SOMEONE WHO LOOKS EERILY SIMILAR TO TEEEDUS OVER THERE

WE HAVE TO DECIDE WHO IT GOES BACK TO ALREADY WHERE THE FUCK DID DANCING COME FROM

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME




Oh, go eat a dick soufflé.




Well, since we have to now get ready for... ugh, Yuna's Super Fan Happy Dancing Time, let's head to the Cabin...




But, of course, since this game has now made it abundantly clear that it hates-- nay, despises me, I now have to go through yet another pointless mini-game. This one involving pushing the three animal/instrument... things onto the elevator so they can help Yuna with her party.

I don't even remember picking them up at any point...




Why do you do this FFX-2? I like you! Why do you hate me so ;  ;




This either means Yuna is going to die, or she's going to get massively high. Either way, it sounds like an improvement over dancing.




But we still have to watch Yuna dance anyway. Nerts!




Thankfully for my sanity, this is really all we are subjected to.

Well, this and Yuna going, "Lalalalalalalalalalala" a bunch, but the Songstress dress-sphere has let me build an immunity to that.




I'm more concerned about the GIGANTIC DEMONIC-LOOKING MACHINA, but I guess we have different priorities.




I think Yuna's starting to remember the moment she signed the contract for this game.

They promised no fanservice, the poor girl.




This is about the angriest she ever gets in this game. Or ever. Can't even let out a swear!

Boo!




Yes, the side-effect of throwing a hissy is that everyone nearby tends to look at you oddly, Yuna.




OKAY.

Could you try not to sound like a sulking 4-year-old while you're at it?




Yuna fails to mention that she's going to fall asleep on the roof of the Red Abomination and is flung off the top and into the jet turbines during the night.

The game is now over.




Depending on your thoughts on the characters, this is either very shocking, or very comical.




"(Oh... Oh, Clasko... Your Chocobo is so big!... Oh, yes!...)"




In the butt?




Well Clasko's a pretty desperate guy. I'm sure you could make that dream of yours true in about 40 seconds.




FORSHADOWING

Anywho, it's time to call it quits for now. Join us next time for a little more plot, a lot more insanity, and a mini-game so absolutely frustrating and obnoxious that I much rather shoot myself in the face. Or someone else. I'll  worry about my murder order when we get to it.

Until then~!