Working as Intended

It's been quite a while since I last stepped into Spira, the world where nothing makes any sense anymore.

Aside from obvious laziness on my part, my emulator (PCSX2) a while ago decided that it would suddenly develop an instant hatred for all things that are my X-2 disc. After much ignoring of the problem and doing other things, then coming back and finally fixing stuff, I got the silly thing working! Which... is rather obvious, since this entry exists, so I should just shut up now.

Anyway, let's get back into it, eh?








When we last left Yuna, Mary Sue Wonderbucket that she is, we were making our way through the gigantic filler arc that makes up 80% of this game, if you're stupid enough to go for 100% completion.




Well, guess what, Buddy? Today's your lucky day, because we're not doing that at all.

FIRE THE ENGINES!!




Last entry, the girls developed a pining to go digging in Bikanel for some arse-backwards reason, so let's do that.

I'm sure nothing will go wrong!




Ah, yes, the place where Tidus threw his legendarily huge and justified shitfit.

Probably for the best it's nothing but a smoldering crater now, though.




Rikku, sweety, when you asked us to follow you here two years ago I nearly got devoured by a giant fucking worm.

I think I'm just going to find it myse---




Okay, nevermind...




...... We're lost, aren't we?




GET OUT OF MY WAY!




When we get back to the airship, I'm going to find Buddy, and I'm going to punch him in the dick for teleporting us into the middle of nowhere. Seriously, what the shit?!




Of course! As long as your destination of choice is DYING HORRIBLY




Oh dear, it seems the cameraman was the first victim to the torturous sands...

Alas, arse-obsessed cameraman, you shall be missed.




YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP





"What the deuce is a high summoner doing out here?"

"She looks skankier in person..."




Uhhh... Suddenly! Back at... camp?

Hello? Game? ... Explanation, please?




That doesn't explain anything!




And Buddy never noticed the complete absence of a camp because?




What, the plot?




Going by all the blasted sand, I'd wager it's already here.




Oh, just grab some wine, turn on the Barry White and I'm sure it'll be able to take it just fine.




You mean we can't leave by wandering aimlessly in the desert and nearly dying? Well, fiddlesticks!




REALLY?!




If nothing else, at least the three are appropriately dressed for the weather, I suppose...




I can't possibly imagine why.




No, they're the newest traveling acrobat troupe, lady.




I.. wasn't aware Yuna was the right gender for that.




She hasn't been getting any from this LP, let me tell you.




This explanation is best shown by focusing the camera on the back of Paine's head. Who knew?




Oh, boy~!




You're introducing them to me? That doesn't sound like a terribly wise idea...




Actually, he's referring to the weird floating machina machine satellite thing.

I can't tell if it's actually AI-run, of if there's some person running it from a distance, but in either case Picket is rather pervy. Like that's a big shock in this game.




Anywho, it's mini-game time, baby!

All you really have to do is run to the yellow X on the map and then run back to the vehicle within the time limit. This would be easy, except for two things: Firstly, the position of the yellow X is random, and may not even show up on the map until you run around like a ninny. Secondly, there are random battles out here every other goddamn step.

Thankfully the yellow X was only five feet away in this case, so I can happily keep my blood pressure down.

For now.




Yuna's ability to walk five feet in any given direction is highly touted.




... You don't want me to answer that.




Swish!

So, what is it? Piles of gil? A shiny weapon? A dress-sphere? Spill the beans, Nhadala!




Yes, yes, woo-hoo, yippy-skippy... What's the reward?!




....

I fucking hate you.




100 gil and a grammatically incorrect sentence.

Well, hot dog. 




Stuff y'all. We out!




STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM RIKKU!

In a... downright baffling move on the developers part, in order to get 100% completion in FFX-2, you can't actually dig anymore after the obligatory first go. Well, you can, but if you do there's a good chance you'll accidentally screw yourself over and not get a Completion for Bikanel in Chapter 5. So, yeah.. to complete the chapter, you have to not do anything there.

At no point is this ever explained in the game itself, so how the bleeding arse people figured it out, I have no idea.

This is just the start of X-2's downright paranoia-inducing requirements for the almighty 100% completion.




Paine, Yuna can't even remember to put on pants in the morning. I think this is way out of her league.




It's also the place Smugmore tried to marry a technically under-aged Yuna, and then proceeded to murder Maester Kinoc and begin his plan to kill everyone on Spira so they'd be free from Sin and suffering.

Ah, memories~




You know who the last person in this series was to say something similar to that? Sephiroth.

I'm keeping my eye on you, woman!




Impenetrable, you say?

That giant airship escapade I did two years ago would beg to differ on that, generic Bevellian guard!




You do realize you're siding with people who worship a giant tick, right?




Good to know some poor person had to write this into the game.




Well someone thinks awfully highly of themselves, don't they?




You're all completely batshit.




Yuna welcomes in Bevelle with another arse-shot.

Good to see the cameraman managed to survive Bikanel okay.




Uh... yeah, about that. Hoo, this is awkward. Uh, sorry?

I can't imagine being squished by Sin's colossal arse is the best way to go out.




Ooh, this sounds important.




Onwards!




That depends, how different is New Yevon to New Yevon?




Considering you guys practically ex-communicated the guy for marrying Yuna's mother, I think he'd be more on the "Fuck Tha Po-lice" side of this argument. Just sayin'.




And I will summon the dictionary to figure out what the buggery a praetor is!

'cuse me.

Aha!

"An annually elected magistrate of the ancient Roman Republic, ranking below but having approximately the same functions as a consul."

... That doesn't help me at all.




Could be worse. They could hold a false trial and then throw you into a dungeon with a clearly definable exit and expect you to either drop dead or get murdered by a psychotic summoner who... actually, that raises an interesting question. Although Seymour is dead (that's dead-dead, not unsent), Yuna is still technically married/widowed, isn't she?

Unless she went to the Bevellian courts and asked for a divorce. That would've been an amusing explanation to see!




"I'm simply wearing way too much clothing to be seen by a praetor!"




She senses some story development nearby, and must avoid it at all costs!




What's a New Yevo?




For some reason, Yuna's pouting face just amuses me to no end.




We probably should. I don't think Mr. Yevo would like to know that Yuna's technically still married.




NO WAIT TOO LATE NOW LOL




So Yuna's off the hook then? Shoot! Where will get my hilarious drama now?

Also it's probably worth noting that Yuna and Rikku are making lusty noises during this whole conversation. Yick.




A leader of Yevon trying to take power? INCONCEIVABLE!




"My facial expression clearly displays this!"




'Mixed' is a bit of an understatement there, bucko.




Like me with this game's story.




Um.. abrupt ending, but... sure, knock yourself out.




"Especially if they involve the bum! I like those ones~"




As Yuna and Baralai say their goodbyes, Paine hides, so we don't discover too much about her character so early on. Because I'm sure there are plenty of silver-haired, bondage-wearing, warrior women in Spira for Baralai to get easily confused with.

Dime a dozen, really.




"Are you trying to hide character development over there? Because this is my game, bitch. It's mine. MINE!"




Oh, Paine, you should know now that you don't ask these two airheads any questions.




See? Now you've broken their noggin's. I hope you're happy!




Oh well, this is the first time we really get to see Bevelle, so let's admire the scenery.

Purty!




I'm sure this 'Trema' person won't come up at all in any way, now that several NPCs have mentioned him!




While we're here, we may as well let Yuna get her lusty-goo-goo-eyes for Baralai out of her system.





Why... would Baralai be carrying around a tiara...?




"ABANDON SEXING!!"




SHUT UP BUDDY I'LL GET AROUND TO IT WHEN I HAVE THE CHANCE JEEZ WHAT IS YOUR DEAL??




Prototype to the Archylte Steppe.




If their playthroughs were anything like mine, they were probably running from the Malboros.




"It actually has content now. I shit you not!"




I'm rather fond of the series too, actually.




Oh yeah? Well I have no idea what you're talking about!




So, yeah, the Calm Lands has basically been turned into the Golden Saucer from FFVII. If the Golden Saucer had random battles and the attractions were five minutes away from each other. In other words, unless someone out there really wants to see what they involve, I'm never going to play them.




So he's the Spiran equivalent of a basement dweller?




Dear god, so it is true. After you get married all you ever do is get hit on!

Unfortunately Yuna's still going through the messy paper-work from her last marriage, so Mr. Sperg will have to wait.




If you're stupid enough to accept this mission, what you have to do is speak to enough NPCs throughout the game's five chapters and try to persuade them to marry Mr. Sperg back there. This, of course, requires going around the world and chatting to almost every single NPC to figure out which ones are interested, and which aren't. But first... let me just check the 100% guide....

Nope! This quest is actually not required.

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I don't get many of these moments in this game, leave me alone!




Sky Sluts? I love that game!




Unfortunately, just to give me the ultimate comeuppance for the Marriage quest above, X-2's 100% completion does require you complete this mini-quest, the Publicity Campaign. What's the difference between this and the marriage one? Why, this one forces you to speak to every fucking NPC to figure out which ones want you to speak to them about either the Argent or Open Air companies here.

This is how it works. Through each Chapter of X-2 there are a lot of NPCs who can be spoken to by pressing the Square Button. When you do this, a list of options comes up of five quotes you can say to them about whatever company you've chosen to represent. If you select the right one, the person will be interested, and if you interest enough people at the end of the game, you get the completion points for the Calm Lands.

Unfortunately, this means two things: Firstly, there is literally no possible goddamn way to know what line will work on what NPC, outside of an Internet guide. You basically have to guess which of the five will work. If you guess incorrectly too many times before Chapter 5 comes across, TOO BAD, no 100% for you! Secondly, these NPCs aren't just in towns or anything, oh no, some of the stupid bastards can only be found at the arse-end of a random-encounter infested path or whatever. I can't just skip them either, lest I not get enough points at the end of the game for those oh-so required 100% completion points.

So, basically, I have to go back to Besaid and run to the Calm Lands all over again now.

Why do we have to do this? Because if we don't, then Mary Yuna over here doesn't get to help everyone in Spira AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT. Which is actually very self-centered and conceited of her, if you think about it. But that doesn't stop the fact that I now have to backtrack through a game that's technically a 5-times backtrack of another game anyway.




I'm going to save you lovely people the two and a bit hours of numbing torture I had to go through to get these (just for this chapter, mind you). Instead, have a video, which properly sums up how I felt going through this stupid quest. If anything, the video's holding back from my feelings a bit.




Paine, you're very quickly becoming my favorite character in this whole thing.




Well, with... that quest out of the way for this chapter, it's time to visit the last destination before the plot kicks in again!




Well, shit, and here I thought they moved south to Miami. Shows what I know, huh?




All four of them, since Seymour did that whole mass-genocide thing two years ago.

Oh well, still higher than the average Final Fantasy XIV server population.




Yes, everyone being dead tends to have that effect, dear.




Astute observation!




Hopefully better than sitting in the back-up party member slot for 90% of the previous game.




I smell reoccurring drama~!




If Lian and Ayde turn out to be two characters from the Japanese version of FFX we never got, I'm going to kick someone.




Please rephrase that.




Yes, let's quickly change the subject!




Yuna's brain-meats are still reeling from that question Paine asked a few hours ago.




That's about all we had to do on Gagazet for now. But, if you want a slightly amusing scene that's a throwback to a line from the previous game, you have to speak to all the Ronso and pick the correct answer. Thankfully, this time, the answer is obvious, as it's the non-stupid one.




Yuna assures the Ronso that the Guado are up to no good, despite being all friendly and chatty with Tromell about how everything's been just last entry. Two-faced harpy.




Rage-induced boners. That can't end well...




And, of course, there's one Ronso who has to be miles away from the others, in a random encounter-infested cave, lest I forget that the game doesn't have a spurring hatred for me.




But that's it for Gagazet now~

I don't think there's terribly much else to do here for the rest of the game either, but we'll worry about that later.




Alright, fine! Let's go there then! Finally.

See you next time~







~: Bonus Content :~


Yuna's lack of knowledge of the Al Bhed language leads to some hi-larious misunderstandings~!