Working as Intended

I sure hope you cats and kittens out there enjoyed the actual story for it's grand 10 minute appearance, because we won't be seeing it again for a very, very long time. It's back to re-traversing our way through Spira yet again. Helping the helpless, helping those are are capable of helping themselves anyway, and helping those who don't actually need help. Such is life when you're in a group with a Tier 1 Mary Sue like Yuna.

Oh well, Spira's problems won't fix themselves! They've made that much clear. So I guess we better dive back in, eh?








When we last left Yuna, Right Buttcheck Extraordinaire, she had just finished being interviewed by Shelinda, and had run the Gunner's Gauntlet for no discernible reason. I'm not sure which was more traumatizing, but the poor girl has nobody to blame but herself.

Also, when we last left Yuna, what she hadn't done was remember that she needs to speak to practically every NPC in the world to promote those stupid Calm Land companies. So guess what I get to spend the next hour and a half doing? Hoo-fuckity-ray!

Dear Yevon, we're not even at the second image yet and I already want to shoot myself.




On our travels to punch NPCs right in their goddamn faces speak to those wonderful upstanding citizens of Spira, I finally meet a fiend who goes into Oversoul mode. Basically, if you kill X amount of a certain mob, the next you'll encounter will go into Oversoul mode, where it becomes muuuuch harder to kill, and often gains new attacks. On the plus side, it always drops heaps of shiny things!

Except this one. He decided he's prove me wrong and drop nothing, the smelly butt-jerk :(




Once that malarkey is all said and done with, we encounter a very sadface girl in the Mi'ihen Highroad store. Girly, you didn't have to spend the last hour pressing Square on every damn NPC in existence, so shut your pie-hole!




But because the girl exists, this of course means Yuna has to solve all her problems!




How many of these blasted things do I have to go through?




No, she can't be. Calli was only half your height two years ago, and if fucking Pacce hasn't changed a bit since then, well...




INCONCEIVABLE!

Next thing you'll be telling me that Lulu is pregnant or something!




"Bitch's been taking a lot of growth medicine since that day!"




Someone in Spira looking forward to the Calm? Yeah, that'll narrow it down.




Annnnd here we go with the problem solving!

You know, the fact that we're only on Chapter 2 out of 5 means that by the end of this, I'm going to be a goddamn vegetable.




I'm sorry, I'm sure your motivations are gripping and all, but I can't get over what the fuck you're wearing. Or, more appropriately, not. You're... what? 11-12? I know the game designers love their fanservice and everything, but what the hell?

... Maybe it's for the best I don't know. Swiftly moving on.




I thought Rikku said 'hoovers' for a second then.

Sadly, my imagines of people taking off up the Mi'ihen Highroad on giant vacuum cleaners will have to stay just that...




I'm sure it'll be totally different to the chocobo-hunting fiend we saw in the previous game.

There's a fine line between homaging the past, and just being lazy, y'know.





O-HO-HO! HOW WACKY~!




No. Piss off.




Kwest?

Game, you're inflicting enough horrors on me as is, you really didn't need to do that.




Despite the game's insistence above, if you want 100% Completion, you have to do the exact opposite of what 'Captain Rikku' demands you to do, since she'll always send you the wrong way. How you're meant to deduce this on your own is completely beyond me.




"YARR! IT BE DRIVING ME NUTS!!"




Okay, here comes one of the most backwards game decisions I've seen in a very long time.

Right, the objective here is the catch the Chocobo, obviously. You have 10 or so attempts to block it's path, which it'll choose randomly. Not so bad, really. The problem lies in what this game expects you to do for 100% completion. Now, you're probably thinking, "Oh, yeah, they expect you to guess which way it'll go every single time, right?"

That would be if the game developers were the usual sadistic assholes. But not here. Oh no...

If you guess which way the Chocobo goes every time, you can't get the completion for the Mi'ihen Highroad. If you catch him, you fail. What you have to do is only guess correctly a very specific amount of times. Too many and you're 'too good', too few and you're just awful at everything forever, apparently. I had to reset the fucking game about 10 times and do this section until I got just the right amount of guesses.

So if this entry seems overly angry, now you know why!

Oh, and just so you know, yes, not catching the Chocobo now does change events down the line. Events you have no possible idea of knowing now and therefor don't know how this particular event screws you over. GAME DESIGN BRILLIANCE!




The Chocobo's had enough of this shit as I have, and goes on the attack!




Wear some proper clothes then, you big silly!




It's a eight-foot tall horse-bird running on a dirt path and some grass. I don't think it can hide very fucking well.




No. You'd swear the creature had legs or something!




And this is why you couldn't catch the Chocobo before. Just for a scene where Rikku falls off something and onto her butt.

I'm dead serious.




"WHAT AM THE CHOCOBO GO??? I AM MUCH CONFUSE!"




She has no pants for it to whop, sadly.




"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!"




"STOP STALKING ME, FOR THE LOVE OF SHIT. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE!"



Oh, and NPCs? Don't feel the need to leap in or actually help in anyway. Just continue standing around. It's cool.




This is the Sublimely Magnificent Chocobo Eater Mark II.

Or as he's better known as: I Am The Dead In About Three Turns.




As a reward for all of the stuff we just went through, we get to see Calli riding around on a Chocobo. I'm sure it's meant to be very sweet and everything, but after all that I just want to see the Chocobo kick her aside and claw her stupid face off.




Paine clearly has more patience for obnoxious side-quests then I do.




And then we get to watch a scene of Rikku running across a bridge.

Again, this becomes very important in the future. I think the game's just trying to take the piss at this point...




Oh wells, at least we're done with Mi'ihen for this chapter~ Back to the flying red crab barf!




Just don't try and mix the two, Paine. Chocobos are rare enough as-is!




Next on our list? Why, Mushroom Rock, of course!




"Let us point and laugh derisively at them!"




Wait, what?




Heh.

Heheh.

AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

AAAAAaaaaaaaa--Shut up.




Something about Yaibal ticks me off, and I couldn't figure out what it was until I checked out IMDb. He shares the same voice actor as Lloyd Irving from Tales of Symphonia. No offense to the dude, but any time Yaibal opens his mouth I am reminded of that little twerp and suddenly develop the urge to cave my face in using the nearest flat surface.

Thankfully Yaibal is not the lead of a 40+ hour, cliche-infested JRPG here, so my sanity remains mostly intact.

For now.

Subject to change the next time anything happens for any reason.




Oh, I can't wait to see this.




All of which probably involve him making sweaty nerd-love to a Yuna-dressed pillow.




I think I'm fully capable of doing that myself, but sure. Let's go to the--





Um...Okay...

Good...to...know...

Hurry...up...and...let...me...go...alrea--




That would be rather hard, considering you bastards won't let me advance more than five steps!




Ditching those Youth League losers for now, Yuna quickly dives into a nearby ravine the get some completion points!




Yeah, I'd be pretty upset if I turned around and saw them too, Noojiroth.




Thanks, Eagle Eye.




..... Really, Yuna?





How the hell Rikku resists the urge to flail her arms in front of her cousin and scream "DERRRRRRRP!" is beyond me.




Yes, they can obviously be trusted to deal with this matter intelligently, as Yuna just lovingly showed before.




Oh, so you'll solve every other motherfucking problem in the world, but the second an actually serious issue pops up you want to get paid? If Nooj were a dapper man, he'd use his cane to pimp-strut over to Yuna and slap her one. He'll be taking none of that guff!




"By the by, this is totally not the Black Materia. You should use it! It'll bring cuddles, wuggles, bunnies and everything that isn't Meteor. DO IT."




Now, Nooj, this is no time to be smacking me over the head with character backstory hitting on the poor girl!




Paine simply will not stand for any of that heterosexual shit up in here. No, sir!




Hey, don't look at me! Not my fault this game's writing is obviously swinging that way. Take it up with them!

NOTE: The following scene contains many lines and notions straight out of a fan-fic. It's probably best described by...




This comic~

You have been warned.




No, Rikku, I'm sure Nooj and Paine make it a point to dispense foreshadow-thick sentences to random assholes, and their meeting was just a pure co-in-kee-dink.




"There won't be anything between my fist and your face if you don't shut up!"




"We may even have passionate lesbian sex when Brother isn't looking, which is never, but..."




Oh, Paine, clearly you have never met a gossip-whore before.

I know Rikku's dressed like the regular kind, but they're often not mutually exclusive!




They're not even trying to hide the tones now, are they?




If the three weren't on different planets, I'd swear that Paine was the offspring of Squall and Lightning.




Commence glorious stabbing methods in 3... 2... 1...




Welcome to my world since I started this game, Paine.




A woman who parades around in a half-skirt, short-shorts and what barely passes as clothes isn't above anything, really.




And since in Dissidia 012, Vaan is always pestering FFX!Yuna about asking more questions and being more open, I'm going to blame every event in this game on him. The fucker!




I'm surprised she hasn't already.




That Yuna, always standing up for her beliefs!




Rikku attempts to both annoy the shit out of Paine and cop a feel on Yuna. That takes some dedication!




"TALK TO THE HAND, BITCH!"




Paine keeps her women in check with a points-based system. Kinky!

And yet not surprising.




Is she referring to the door or her pants, I wonder...




DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




Looks like it's time to Catch 'em All!

Like I haven't got enough long, irritating fetch-quests to go on already.





Annnnnnd that's the end of that scene.

I'd do a Fun Fact to point out how many fan-fics this scene has spawned, but I aint gonna check!

I like my sanity, thank you very much.

What little's left of it.

Which by now is practically nothing.




Out we go~! Now, where were we...




Oh, right, being stopped every four nanoseconds by the Youth League wankers...

Well, whatever, let's just get to the HQ alrea--




SHUT THE HELL UP!!!




The thought of Yuna in charge of a legion of soldiers is about as horrifying as it is hilarious.






Hi!




So's your outfit.

But you could make that case for everyone in Spira.




Yeah, it sure would be awesome to be led around by someone with a backbone made of rice crisps, and being forced to parade around in no clothes and solve the world's problems for every single goddamn individual.

No, wait... no.




So Elma's the pitcher and not the catcher of that relationship.

Good to know... I guess?




Oh, look what you've done Lucil! My keyboard was perfectly fine, but now there's bile all over it. I hope you're happy!




Hopefully that happens all the time, otherwise a lot of people would start dropping dead, I suspect.



Why, yes, I did have to write that. If my brain makes me suffer, then I'm taking all of you with me!




Oh, I bet you do.




Is that a proposition?




DON'T YOU EVER SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME!?!




What exactly does his show involve again?




No, grammatically incorrect child, there are none.

GO BACK TO SCHOOL MMMKAY




I swear to god this is the first line in the cutscene.

Apparently Tobli was having a conversation by himself without us knowing?




Cutting straight to Step 3, eh?




For once, it's actually Rikku who suggests we help someone out.

While this may seem like a refreshing change of pace, you have yet to see the scene where Yuna is so overcome with jealousy at someone other than herself suggesting to help people that she scribbles obscenities and rude organs all over Rikku's body during the night.

She's scary when she's not the center of attention.




Oh, just tell people that Mary Yuna there will be singing for 0.3 seconds. That'll get half of Spira a-knockin', sadly.




Now begins the 'fun' mini-game of walking around to people and having to guess what choice to make based on absolutely nothing but luck. Yes, this is exactly the same as the marriage and Calm Land company publicity games. The only thing that stops me from throwing my controller to the ground and ranting my nuts off is that I only need to sell 10 tickets.




RIIIIDE ZEEEEEEE SHOOOOOPUFF???




One quick trip around the Moonflow later~




A ho's gotta get paid, ya know?




You took this line the wrong way. Don't lie.




Oh, so you know what it's about then? Please fill the rest of us in, Rikku, m'dear.




. . . .

Right, I'm just going to assume it's an orgy until I'm proven otherwise.




Paine tries, unfortunately to no avail, to get Yuna to cut the charity shit out already.




Next up, Guadosalami~!

Thankfully, not for the world's most awkward mini-game ever (seriously, it's about a hundred times as bad as the laughing scene in X). We get to deal with that fun later. Instead, we're just here to get a nice kick up the bum with another oh-so joyous quest.




Oh, and talk to the guards, because this scene gives you completion points for some god forsaken reason.




YEAH, SEE!   /1920mobser




Yuna, sweety, I don't think they give a shit.

Neither do I, so let's just move on, okay?




The reason we came to Guadosalami is because of this jerk!

If you give him 10,000 gil you can buy a clue for what NPC you can sell his data to. I have no idea what the 'data' is, but for the sake of this conversation I'm just going to say it's cocaine. Anyway, the NPC he chooses is random, so you may been to reset the game a bit, but he'll eventually tell you (and by tell I mean extremely vaguely hint at to the point where a guide is fucking required) of an NPC that'll buy the data for 70,000-100,000 gil.

All of which goes to O'aka, the cuntnozzle.

Anyway, a few resets later and then we're ready to--OH SHIT, I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING




After that stupid Calli Chocobo thing, I completely forgot to put them back up on the airship. Since, you know, I just assumed they, or at least Clasko, would be smart enough to do that themselves. But, no, they need to be hand-guided through every single damn thing, like retarded sheep.

Actually, I had a major case of paranoia when I remembered this, as I was scared that it may affect my completion points. You might think that's silly, but, well, if you think that you've clearly never played FFX-2 before.




YES GET ON THE FUCKING SHIP BEFORE I LOSE MY CHANCE AT 100% GO NOW YOU TOSSBUCKETS




The Celsius may as well change it's name to the Flying Homeless Shelter the way things are going.




Rikku? Just add that to the list of things to never say again.




But while we're up here, we may as well check out that funky sphere, yo?



And this is literally all it is.

Some girl, who we never hear about again, let me tell you, gasping this sentence in fright. The End.




Yeah, that was pretty damn stupid.




Is that the Spiran equivalent of saying she's in da house or something?

Anywho, that's enough traumatizing for me today. See you folks next time for even more obnoxious filler gripping storytelling!