Working as Intended

Well, we're now roughly around 2/3rds of the way through the wacky story of Spira; a land where absolutely nothing can possibly ever go right! Most (but certainly not all) of the revelations have now been exposed, so it's as good a time as any to discuss it all~!

While absolutely topped with melodrama and very over-the-top moments, I still love FFX's story as much as when I first played it. I play games mostly (though not always) for story and atmosphere, which I feel FFX has by the airship-load. It won't win any awards for Greatest Story Ever Told, and few vidja games would, but the story has never failed to connect with me in some sense. Really, the only thing that irks me (and even so this an extremely minor nit-pick) is how pretty much everyone associated higher-up with Yevon has to be a gigantic dickhead and/or insane. A sane man to juxtapose the whirling torrent of madness going on around him would have been nice. I suppose Kelk could've fit that well, but he only appeared for all of 2.34 nanoseconds.

Though, on the other hand, Auron's statements about Kinoc imply he was a regular man before he became a Maester, and the truth of Yevon and the power it supplied drove him to paranoia and madness. That, and Seymour and Mika don't seem to particularly agree with each other, so it's not like it's a circle of Saturday Morning Cartoon villains or anything.

Tidus and Yuna finally became a couple. It's oddly never really focused upon from here out, but I imagine the whole 'being traitors and still saving the world' would make it rather obnoxious to be all lovey-dovey. In any case, I still enjoyed the little romance subplot. It's not brilliant by any means, but it seems perfectly believable, and is a damn sight better than VIII's.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to the ol' Spiral of Death, shall we?











Not Shown: The 47 times Rikku rolled out of the tree while trying to sleep during the night.




Ahhhh, another day and another set of unspeakable evils to be constantly stalked by!

What a wonderful life they currently live.




Note: They only appear calm because you can't see the 34,392 horrid monsters waiting for you to waltz about!




What were the sober summoners doing then?




Oh, so it turns into Final Fantasy XIII then? HURRRR WITZ




I'm sure Yuna really needed to hear this after having that little nigh-existential episode last night.




Well, today's certainly off to an awe-inspiringly cheerful start!




And then bacon and curry rained down from the sky!

No?

Well frick, just had to see if it worked ;;




So, yes, this is the Calm Lands. Much like the Archylte Steppe in XIII, this is a wide-open zone (though nowhere near as large as Archylte) that you mostly just traverse through on your way to the plot. If you're going to do side-quests, however, you'll be seeing this zone many-a time in the future!




Sock it to me!




I KNEW OF NO SUCH THING, OLD MAN




And nothing of value was lost!




MACHINA HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW ; ;




Sure, as long as it doesn't use any of its powerful attacks and accidentally hits Bevelle right next door.




I'm going to say it was George, from accounting.




Kweh~!




We once again meet up with Princess Leia Belgemine, who challenges us to a Pokemon Aeon battle.

Long story less long, I kick her stupid arse. Again.




I shall file this under my Side Quest Folder for later investigation. Good day to you!




Suddenly, a mysterious figure appears before us mysteriously and full of mystery!

WHOEVER COULD IT BE??




Of course!

.... Who?




And you certainly don't not look like a hideous, shaved egg. Colour us both surprised.




For the last time, I'm not going to clean the gunk out from between his toes. That shit's just disgusting!




Well, in fairness, we probably would've done that too, if Seymour hadn't beaten us to the punch.

Or the stab, as it were.




"It's full of big meanie-heads! :( "








As long as I get a silly yellow Horsebird to run around the field with, I don't care. Kweh me up!





Which basically means 'Frantically hit left and right on the analog stick until the stupid bird goes in generally the right direction'.





Aw yeah!




Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!




LOOK WHAT I HAVE AND YOU DON'T NEENER NEENER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!




Sadly the reliable Horsebird can only travel within this zone, so you have to discard it when leaving ; ;




Well, that was a fun little distaction~! Now back to running across this completely normal bridge.

Yup. This will in no way lead to anything nefarious what-so-ever!




O SNAP




I've got quite a few things I could discuss with Seymour. All of them involve obscenities, however.




WELL LORD SEYMOUR WILL JUST HAVE TO BUY ME DINNER THEN WON'T HE




Okay, now I really don't want to know what he wants with Yuna.




And we begin Boss Battle #382,392 in this game. Not that I'm complaining, as they're always fun~!

It's not really required for this fight particularly, but I'd recommended having Yuna learn Curaga roughly around the time this battle takes place. Not because that ability is necessary (though it doesn't hurt!) but because that's a good state of Sphere Grid progression to be in for what lies ahead. In any case, this guy is a piece of cake. Most of his attacks do %-based damage, so just have someone there to Raise any fallen party members that may or may not happen, and everything is just peachy!




More awkward sex talk?




And for yet another Side Quest!




Hint at a previous drama-filled event for Lu' there, or Wakka implying that she gets around?

YOU BE THE JUDGE!





I had that very thing happen to me whenever Wakka spoke for 30% of the game.




Her brain could only handle 3-4 seconds of intelligent thought before it had to zone out for a while when taxed?




Oh. Well that's much more depressing. Thanks!




Only Mount Gagazet now stands between us and the long sought-for city of Zanarkand.

Let's roll, broseidons!




Uh-oh! I smell DRAMA :O




That's just super.

Let me just go get the bulldozer and dynamite...




THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO! JEEZ!




Yes, I believe that's why we're having this little discussion right now, Yuna.




Except Kelk knew what Yevon was all about, so they haven't really betrayed him.

But I'm guessing that's not her point right now.





Auron and Lulu inject some much needed Rational Thinking into this scene.




Is this so shocking? That's what Operation Mi'ihen was all about, wasn't it? The Crusaders fell out with Yevon, yet they and the Al Bhed still desperately wanted to rid the world of Sin anyway.

Either I'm missing something here, or Kelk is so far in the dark about the world that it's amazing he hasn't tripped and cracked his proverbial skull open yet. With Yevon, either's possible!




And for BLAZING JUSTICE!!




So can Isaaru, Dona, or the other Summoners on their pilgrimage. It isn't always about you, y'know!




At least temporarily. And not your friends, since you'll be dead.




Ah, the good ol' Sappy, Emotional, yet Somewhat Flawed, Heroic Speech always works like a charm!




YUNA IS A CYBORG I KNEW IT




They're going to welcome me with random encounters, explosions and drama?

I think I rather be its enemy, frankly.




This heartwarming scene of approval from the Ronso is kind of ruined by Tidus and Wakka punching the shit out of each other in the background for some entirely unknown reason. What the hell?




Yes, we've already established this. Thank you.




OH NOES!!




Considering most Ronso are gigantic pricks (no pun intended), I say good for Kimahri!




You're the least progressed person on the Sphere Grid. So, uh, have fun with that!




NEVAR FORGET :(




We must kung-fu fight!!




Biran and Yenke's stats scale depending on Kimahri's, so this battle is always winnable. It's pretty simple, with the only quirk being that the two might be on seperate sides of Kimahri at any given them, thanks to their Bulldozer ability. You can get a lot of nice Blue Mage spells from this battle, like Mighty Guard, so just Lancet that, cast it, and nothing they do will cause the slightest bit of damage.

Easy as!




"BIRAN ESPECIALLY HAPPY IN AREA OF PANTS"




"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!"



"GOOD FOR YOU, HOT STUFF."




I didn't think anyone from the temple was really pursuing us anymore, but thanks for the support, buddy!




I didn't know Penance was involved in any of this. I haven't even met the stupid thing yet!





HAWT!!




And then all of the Ronso tribe sings the Hymn of the Fayth.

This would be touching, is Square didn't decide to display Biran's Ronso equivalent of an... eugh, G-String.




Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?




I'll tell ya what, the horrors of Mount Gagazet seem much more manageable after all of that!


And not to throw more music at you, but the song that plays here, Servants of the Mountain, is one of my favorite tracks in the game. It does a good job at capturing the ancient and severe nature of this natural barrier at what's essentially the world's edge, near Zanarkand. Anywho, back to the game!




More happy subject matter to talk about. Hooray!




What a wonderful place we've discovered.


Though the idea that I'm bashing up former Summoners and Guardians while running around kinda makes me regret all the slaughtering of fiends I've done up until now. But, hey, if they didn't want to be re-killed, they shouldn't drop such good EXP!




Wait.. you're Ho'aka's brother?

Dude? I am so, so sorry...




Best news I've heard all day!




"I'm gonna drop the soap so many times, let me tell you!"




Seriously?

The man gets captured by completely insane and murder-happy Yevonites, and his top priority is making sure I get constant appearances by his store that I have never bought a single damn thing from? Wow. Dude's got some pretty messed up priorities!




This is a fantastic question! Let's see what explanation he gives.




Oh, fuck you.




Let me continue not buying anything from you! It's the way your brother would apparently want it.




Well that was kinda pointless. Let's see what's over the next hill~

Oh, by the way, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD SAVE AT THIS SPHERE. SAVE YOUR GAME!




I've known that for the better part of this game, missy.




Well, trying to stop Yuna from dying to the Final Aeon is a pretty big ask, so hopefully Tidus has thought of...




... absolutely nothing. Fantastic!




And if not, then you've just saved some time between now and Yuna's death. Hooray for efficiency!




Funny, he didn't sound much like Auron to me at all.




Oh lord, someone just kill me now...




Hey, there we go!

...

Oh shit.




At least Tidus knows who the real leader is.




He has a name, you know!




CHAERG!!




I'd say it's about eight and a half hours later then I'd have liked, really.




Not true at all. The Ronso Blitzball team at least survives!

... Which is really a fate worse than death, so I'll let it pass.





And thus Seymour has firmly crossed the border from Religious Nutjob to Complete Monster.




"High-five! Anyone? No? 


Man, what's got you guys in such a bad mood?!"




Poor Kimahri...




Aw, and I was hoping I'd get a bit of a longer break before being walloped over the back of the head with the Death theme!




You and every other remotely sane individual.




Uh... I don't think that was an invitation to start monologuing, Smugmour.




"I assure you, there is absolutely zero chance this could possibly backfire!"




And mid-rant he suddenly starts talking to Tidus. The man clearly has lost his marbles!




He knows how to be incredibly smug and COMPLETELY GODDAMN INSANE




O... SHI-





It's a good thing you can't hear how Seymour yells these lines, because it's completely frickin' creepy.




Well, here we go...

This isn't an OMGPERFECT strategy, as, honestly, there really isn't one for Seymour. There's so many variables.

The second boss in the Trio of Controlling Throwing, Seymour Flux is often the battle that completely halts the progress of any first-time FFX player (and often a lot of returning players too). First things first, it can't be recommended enough to have Lulu cast Bio. Even if that's the only thing you have her do during the battle, it's well worth it. It'll drain 1,000+ HP every turn he gets, and with 70,000 HP, you'll need all the help you can get!

As for Seymour's attacks. His little parasite buddy (Mortiochis) returns, and he'll work in tandem with it. Seymour's 'regular' attack afflicts the person it hits with Zombie, and then Mortiochis will cast Full-Life, insta-killing them. As you can see by the bar, they pretty much go directly after each other, so you're most likely screwed.

Aside from that, he has Reflect (which is isn't afraid to abuse), Flare and other nasties.




Having Rikku mix up some good buffs is always nice, but Seymour can (and will) just throw a Dispel your way and completely ruin all of that. If Wakka has Silence Buster, then by all means throw that whenever you feel Seymour is going to use Dispel. If you use Delay Buster, however, Mortiochis will counter by casting Slowga on your party. Which will most likely end any attempts at victory right there and then.

If Seymour casts any buffs (like Reflect or Protect), Dispel them away with Yuna.

Seymour has two potentially Game Over causing attacks. The first is Cross Cleave, which will deal around 2,000-2,500 damage to all party members. Which, for most people, will be nothing short of a major pain in the arse. But, hey, that's quite manageable, right?




Then Seymour gains a new move called Total Annihilation (no relation) that will...

Well, let's just say for almost any party, the last 35,000 HP becomes nothing short of a frantic dash to deplete Seymour's HP before this move can be fired. Unless you're quite overleveled you're lucky if it'll only kill two party members. When I was hit for this, only Auron survived with 200 HP, so... yeah, it can pack a punch!

You'll get a two-turn warning before this move is fired. Mortiochis will suddenly go into 'Attack Mode' then on the next turn be 'Ready to Annihilate'. If you can't kill him before that, well... best of luck to you!

And unless Yuna/your Aeons have their Overdrive already full, don't count on them. Seymour has an ability that will instantly KO them after their first turn. So make them count! I think the in-depth (at least compared to other bosses) talky-talk I'm giving this shows that Seymour Flux doesn't fuck around.




BOOYA MOTHERFUCKER!





And that settles that forever!




Well, he'll still be dead, but yeah, I guess that's correct.




That's rich coming from Yuna; Little Miss Let's Marry Seymour Yet Not Tell Anybody Ever Why.




DUN DUN DU-Wait, we already knew this. Disregard.




Hahaha




He did it for the all the fine ladies that'd be lining up for him!

Granted, to kill him, but, eh, details...





WITH GUSTO~!




What if THE WHOLE GAME WAS :O!!!!




Was an impressionable dork, we know.




Oh, shut up, Wakka.




Because it's a Final Fantasy game. Nothing ever goes according to plan!




"We need to reach optimum suspense levels before the plot can continue again!"




And thus ends part one of Tidus and Friends Super Fun Happy Adventures on Sacred Mount Gagazet!

See ya later~