Working as Intended

We now enter Stage 2 of the Shit Just Got Real segment of Final Fantasy X. As such, I'll postpone my boring ol' blah, blah, blahs until the next entry. Okay? Okay. In short, still loving the game very much so, and there's little to complain about, outside of Wakka's fanaticism, but even that's starting to change. Also, a lot of the feedback I've been getting just consists of messages going, "I'M ANNOYING, HUH?" over and over again. I have no-one to blame but myself for pointing this out last entry.

Oh well. Back we go~!










It's time to commence Operation We're All Going to Friggin' Die if Physics Knows What The Hell.




Hmmm, seems not. People can stand up perfectly fine on rapidly moving objects, people!

brb surfing trains




... Why not? If it gets too far away then it can't attack us! Yes, this is clearly the thing we should do!




Ah, Evrae. The first of the trio of bosses that can (and usually does) completely destroy the average player.

There's a neat little quirk to this battle, in that Tidus or Rikku can call out to Cid and ask him to move the airship closer or further away from Evrae, which he'll do when his turn pops up on the little order bar there. I found it best to keep your distance for the first part of the battle, and just whittle the guy down with Wakka's attacks and Lulu's spells. Every turn he will use Photon, but Rikku's Al Bhed potions heal that away easily. Also, if you keep your distance, Cid will fire missiles at Evrae for about 2,000-3,000 damage for three turns. Then he runs out of missiles ;;

Anyway, up until now the battle seems like a piece of cake!




When he reaches around 11,000 health Evrae will cast Haste on himself (which you can't undo with Slow, as he'll counter with Haste anyway) and, if you're far away from him, he'll use a sweeping attack that brings him in (like shown). On top of that, he'll now use Poison Breath, which will KO your entire party unless two things happen.

-You manage to pull away after he charges the move on his first turn, but before he unleashes it on the second.
-You're at completely full health.
-A rogue asteroid comes screaming in and hits Evrae dead on, but misses the airship somehow.

If you move away and he has two turns back-to-back (which, with Haste on, can happen), he'll use the sweeping move, then immediately fire Poison Breath, which'll probably kill everyone. That move alone is why he is such a royal pain in the arse to most people! But, with proper timing and a good strategy down, he's certainly far from impossible to beat.




SHAZAM!




I'm going to assume this is a good thing!




Or.... not.




HEY KINOC PLZ DON'T MIND THE REMAINS OF YOUR CITY'S SACRED BEAST RAINING DOWN AROUND YOU EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY




Yeah, I don't think he bought that.




There are approximately 17,382 ways this scene is entirely impossible. And none of them matter, because it's awesome!




Even when a gigantic freaking airship crashes his wedding and causes complete chaos, Seymour still looks smug.




CHAERG!!!




Normally I wouldn't bother posting about the fodder that stands in the way, but I feel it's worth pointing out the machina robot (aside from why Yevon has machina...) If the robot is the last enemy on the field, it will constantly use Thrust Kick to boot a party member out of the battle. If it does this three times, Game Over!

What a dick.




And despite all the flamethrowers and rifles being fired at them in every fight, Kinoc apparently has the mystical Will Actually Goddamn Kill You Assholes bullet. They're quite rare, I've heard!




I honestly don't know where Yuna's been hiding that staff, and frankly, I don't want to know.




Doesn't make much sense, does it?




Oh, Seymour, you delightfully smug bastard.




"Hell no! What have they ever done for me? Go ahead and kill them, you old goat bollocks."




This is starting to sound more like a horrid reality show gimmick.

You know he's going to kill them anyway, so just send Seymour while you have the chan---




... Oh, for god's sake.




Who honestly didn't see that one coming?




"Uh, can you lower the weapon a scooch? I've got a major case of the cramps going on in my neck..."




You mean the giant, brainwashing, cult-like religion doesn't practice what is preaches? Well, I never!




Yuna tries to escape from Seymour by poorly pretending to be a statue.




"I'LL START SINGING 'REAL EMOTION' I MEAN IT GUYS"




If you try and fall backwards from that height, you're probably just going to wang your head on the edge there.




What's stopping the soldiers from shooting them as they run down the stairs, exactly?




I can't tell if Seymour is stating the obvious or further mocking the poor girl.




Just because your pretty dress has feathers on it doesn't mean you're suddenly capable of flight, Yuna!

Maybe you should think this through before yo---




Okay, nevermind. One suspiciously red painted roof somewhere in Bevelle, coming up!




It's a good thing Valefor decided to be particularly urgent about her summoning sequence this time, otherwise the Bevellian cleaners would have to spend all week wiping Summoner off the city.




"Wakka's about to put new meaning to the term Flash Bomb!"




"AHHHHH MY EYES WHY IF ONLY SOMEONE YELLED OUT A WARNING OR SOMETHING"




Well I doubt the party was just going to stand in the one place until the grenade's effects wore off.

Well, okay, Wakka would.




Five steps back, five hundred feet down, then an extra six feet, if I had to honestly guess.




The local strip joint?




DUN DUNNNNNNNN




For some reason, Rikku's incredibly casual response despite hearing all of Wakka's constant anti-machina/Al Bhed vomit just amuses me to no end.




It seems Yevon cares as much about the teachings as the player.




Still not as ugly as Seymour's O SNAP




Now, out of curiosity, wouldn't every Summoner who comes to Bevelle to obtain the Aeon figure this out? Or is this like a Secret Entrance - Yevon Personnel Onry Only thing?




HOORAY HE FINALLY GETS IT~




AN AL BHED BOOK IN THE TEMPLE

HEY WAKKA CHECK THIS SHIZ OUT MAN BET IT MAKES YOU FEEL SUPER SECURE NOW!




Unfortunately, after all the fun mayhem and drama, comes the worst goddamn Cloister of Trials ever. It's so easy to get turned around in here, the thing involves so much going back and forth to alter tiny details, and Tidus can, for some reason, only hold one Sphere in his hand, and another in the little tablet thing he pushes around. Which, of course, means the Cloister will throw 3 Spheres at you.

Ugh... I'm too annoyed to really go in-depth about it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate. It.




No, that's the rest of the group. Man, you've really gotta get your eyes tested!




How the hell did she get in there so fast?

Oh, right, the Cloister slowed me down. Stupid rassin' frassin' thing...




Because of the giant-ass heavy gate that stands in the way?





Unfortunately he doesn't tell Wakka where he can stuff them, but you can't win everything.




Le gasp! It's that creepy ghost child from the start of the game.

WHAT COULD THIS MEAN???




Suddenly!! Exposition!Auron sweeps onto the scene to explain stuff we technically already know about!




Such a rich and cheery history in Spira!




Ah, foreshadowing. Cunning, aint it?




AND THAT HOW BABBY R MAED!!!



Eek! Must be serious. We better not go out the--




God damn it, Tidus!



Standing in front of an execution squad counts as a trial now?





A battle of the sarcasms!




If you honestly need to ask why, you've never seen FFX's Bahamut.


I DON'T EVEN




I don't know if I should be weirded out or constantly amused by Seymour's smugness regarding murder.




"So's Bruce Willis, but that's an entirely different matter altogether!"





Um... I think they're more concerned about the whole 'us killing Seymour' thing then the Sending bit, Lulu.




"Okay. Got any suggestions where to, Bossy Betty?"




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

Man, that's getting used a lot recently!




As long as you don't need him to remember anything or do any physical activity, sure.




Note: Kinoc is actually alive. So.. uh... What?




Boy, remind me to never invite these guys to a party!




As we'll see from here on out, since nobody will shut up about it!




"Yeah, Sin's pretty rad...... What? What'd I say?"




But not a Jedi Knight?




And that's been going pretty darn poorly as of late!




"YES. GO AWAY NOW"





Ah, now here's a very touchy and difficult question to answer! I suspect Mika will have a very long spee--




Oh.

Well that was surprisingly simple.




Y'know, throughout all this, all I can of is just how Mika would be one of those guys who just cannot be quiet once you get him talking while he's drunk. Not that he'd get invited, being such a Debbie Downer and all.




And here's the appearance of the Hope theme. Along with Death, it will be a very common companion from here on!




Except for the whole 'death' thing, but who cares about those jerks, right?




You could fill all the joy that's currently emanating from this room into a tea-spoon.





"IF YOU COULD START INSTANTLY BELIEVING ME RIGHT NOW THAT'D BE JUST SUPER"




And scene.

I think we've learnt quite a lot from all this! Such as that everyone associated with Yevon is a total basket-case.





Never stopped him before!




'Come out'? They're suspended a hundred feet above a torrent of water, with no structure or bridge to lead them to you. Do you expect them to just walk out and to their dea-Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's a pretty clever way of offing someone. I'm impressed, fatman!




"No, I mean DON'T QUESTION YEVON LALALALALALALALLALA GOOD THING LALALALA"




A complete asscannon?




Hah!




*PUNT*

I would've just shot him in the back, but what do I know about being a crazy Yevonite?




Wait, wait, WAIT.

Yevon's way of executioning someone is to put the three swimmers (including two well known Blitzball stars) into some WATER, and expecting them to DROWN? Three people who can BREATH UNDERWATER INDEFINITELY AND THEREFOR COULD EASILY CREATE A MEANS OF ESCAPE.

And we'll discover that there's fish down here, so it's not like they're going to starve or anything!

... There's stupid, and then there's Yevon Stupid, it would seem.




That's what I said!




Right, enough of that, apparently. Let's see what the latest meeting of the Brain Trust involves~




I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY




I'd call them out for being two-faced bastards, but they've got a whole religion surrounding that, so... yeah.





WHY DOES YOUR METHOD OF EXECUTING PEOPLE ALLOW FOR EXITS?!

Why place guards? Why not just, I dunno, SEAL OFF THE EXI- Fuck it, it's their funeral.

Or second one, technically.




Seymour enjoys killing. Whoda thunk?




He's going two-for-two, baby!




TOTALLY NOT CREEPY




Anywho, back to Yuna now~ Who thankfully wasn't thrown into the water section of the dungeon!

Awfully convenient.




How many other summoners do you know that were thrown down here?




Thank you. I didn't give a shit, but an explanation is always good, I suppose.




I didn't know Kinoc was a summoner.




Very poorly constructed, arbitrary, and completely contradictory laws, but they are laws, true.




Oh, so it's a Pokemon battle you want then, is it?

He brought out Ifrit first, I wonder what I should use? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMZ




Wow Isaaru, that was really stupid of you.




Bringing out the weakest Aeon of the bunch, eh? Well, I wouldn't want to be excessively cruel, so I'll use...







AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHAHAHAH





*FWOOOOOOOSH!!*




Ah, Auron. He enjoys kicking people while they're down.

It's why I likes him.




Right! Let's join Team They Don't Have Bahamut So They're Currently Not Awesome, as they swim through the most bizarrely created execution dungeon ever devised.




I was about to question why the area was so big, but then this bastard suddenly appeared!




Evrae Altana (no relation) seems like he should be pants-ruiningly scary, especially after the encounter before, but since he's undead (due to the whole, y'know, dying business) he's weak to healing items and spells. Specifically, the Phoenix Down. Two of them will kill him outright. If you decide to fight him normally, you'll have to use Commands when prompted to slowly whittle down his health, but this takes forever, is risky (because he has an en-Petrify melee move, which will instantly shatter someone underwater), and you won't get some neato weapons from the treasure chests after the battle.

So, yeah, do yourself a favour and just throw the Phoenix Downs at him.




Well that was one of the biggest displays of emasculating a previously frightening boss. YAY




It's a good thing both dungeons had exits that lead to roughly the same location. Mmmmmmyep.




Oh, here we go!

Hmm. We know what Seymour can do, so I wonder what tricks Kinoc has up his poomphy sleeves?

Magic is probably a given. But maybe he knows some other cool tricks, like the power of...




Dead.

That.... That can be a good trick, too?





Somehow I doubt Auron is going to buy that, your Royal POONTY-ness.




Not entirely unlike yourself, then.




You're making him seem like a paranoid 1980's cartoon villain.




Awwwwww, how sweet of you!

Again, totally not creepy.




... Okay, I think someone has just officially gone completely off the deep end.

Into a raging pool of What the Hell?





"Well, since you put it like that, sure, I'll help you out~!"




THIS IS PERFECTLY SANE YEP NO NEED TO CALL THE PROPER AUTHORITIES OR ANYTHING




Couldn't have put it better myself.

Well, okay, I probably would've thrown a 'goddamn' in there somewhere.




And then Kimahri tries to beat Seymour in the Let's All Act Rationally contest by stabbing him.




I seriously love Seymour's smugness sometimes.




Welp, time for another boss battle! Put up your dukes, Seymour! We'll fight like m--




WHAT THE SWEET SHITTING HELL ON A PLATTER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH




You don't have to tell me twice! It's been nice knowing you, Kimahri! Sort of. Not really.




CHEESE IT!




Okay. It's been nice knowing you too. We can find another summoner. It's cool.




But this explanation make sense, Auron. There's no way it'll fly!




And it only took him the better part of 22 hours to figure this out~!




Including the women's restroom? Pervert!




If you finish that sentence with "make out", I may just have to scream.




Poor Auron. Always gets stuck with the nutjobs.




STOP STALKING ME!




FOR MIDDLE EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTH!!




I didn't think it was humanly possible, but Seymour's hair managed to get even more fucked up.

Guys, I think shit seriously got real just now.





One of the rare times Auron seriously gets pissed off at anything!




I forgot to take a screenshot of the battle, so I had to yoink an image off Google. DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Anyway! Seymour Natus is a pretty nasty boss, but I'd say easier than Evrae, and much easier then the next two bosses in the Deadly Trio of Controller Throwing. His little parasite buddy floating next to him will absorb health from Seymour if you KO it, in order to sustain itself, so it's a cool idea to kill it a few times. Other than that, have Lulu cast Bio, then just go nuts with the big attacks.

Oh, and watch out for the Break/Shattering Claw combo. That tends to be really nasty!




And that's how it's done!




As long as it wasn't.... you know, I think she'll be fine.




Already tell? I'd say it was pretty damn obvious during the court scene, myself.




I can't possibly imagine why.




I don't want the mother of all anticlimactic endings, so I bloody well hope not!




Hopefully not doing what a bear does.




Even more running~!




Ooooh! Purty~




Yes, most people do when they consider killing themselves to stop a giant, constantly-reborn, demonic whale thing.




"Including what I did in south Kilika that one time? Look, I was young, reckless, and I needed the money!"





Again, being reminded of her own death seems to amuse her.

She's not quite right in the ol' noggin', that Yuna. As if the marrying Seymour thing wasn't obvious enough.





Is it even humanly possible to live a Normal Life on Spira?

Everyone's either a creepy cultist, being attacked by the cultists, being attacked by Sin, or giving up their lives by attacking Sin. I think Normal Life here means that you manage to end yours in one way or another.








"HAY GUYZ IVE DECIDED NOT TO KILL MYSELF FOR A NEVER-ENDING CYCLE OF DEATH LOL"




My guess? You'll throw your robes into a lawnmower, then wear them while parading around the world with an even less dressed Rikku and a silver-haired gothy possibly-lesbian friend, all while talking and acting like something out of a cheesy 1970's adventure TV program.

No, wait, that's just stupid.




Hopefully you don't mean the one that....




Okay, good!




A sexy party?




YOU CAN ALREADY SEE BLITZBALL HERE IT'S NOT VERY EXCITING





Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I was wondering when Tidus would start making the moves.




Of course, all of this revolves around ignoring the fact that SIN ATTACKED ZANARKAND

Also, you'd have to ride Sin to get there, most likely. Which'd, y'know, be a bit awkward.




Well, there's no need to shoot him down like that! A simple, "I'm busy right now" would've done, y'kn---




Aw ; ;




I'm sure this would've been a lot more touching if I knew what the song was going on about, but thems the breaks! It's still very nice to see the whole Tidus/Yuna romance get resolved in a way that doesn't horribly bastardize either character, and you could actually see steadily develop over the course of the game.

Unlike another certain Final Fantasy game I could mention!

Kinda sad that VIII's main, almost entire, focus was on the romance, and it horribly cocked it all up. Yet X's lesser focused romance managed to actually feel natural and, well, a thousand times better than its predecessor. Oh well!




Phew! False alarm. The game's still continuing, people!

Hey, stop crying!





"WELL SCREW YOU TOO MISTER >:( "




Oh. Well that's much nicer!




Yes. Out of a cannon, specifically.




And let's end the entry on a rare positive note.

Awwwwwwww~

Sorry, I mean RRRRRRRRR HATE HATE NFG:LFSKDHSLDS:JDHA:S RAAAAAGH!!!!