Working as Intended

Welp, here goes!

Ever since I started up the silly VIII playthrough a few months ago I have been swapped by literally a couple of emails asking if I'd ever tackle VII at any point? It was something I wasn't considering for a while, since I felt that VII must've been more well-trod than a mouse at a perturbed elephant convention in the LP community (Y'know, totally unlike the rest of the series). It is, afterall, by-far the most popular Final Fantasy game of all time, so... yeah.

But, two things changed my mind:
1) Some friends asked if I could give it a crack <3
2) I managed to find a super-cheap copy of Dirge of Cerberus. A game that has a plot so 'special' that it simply must be recorded!

Sadly, Dirge pretty much expects you to have just finished playing VII and watching Advent Children before you pick it up, as it has no introduction to the story/world whatsoever. It immediately leaps right in and starts retconning left and right with all the subtlety and grace of a rabies-infested baboon.

Anywho, this means I thought I'd go through VII~! I haven't fully played through it in nearly 6+ years, so this'll be very much like the VIII run; Silly comments, alongside my general thoughts and feelings about if the game's held up with my own expectations. Which, admittedly, aren't sky-high, after all this time.

Mostly because I can't remember a darn thing about it!

So to cut this boring blabfest short (well, shorter), let's dive right in!








Ah, the infamous opening!

Simple, yet effective. And not a single sign of a bombastic, ominous Latin chorus!

Yet.




Can do, chief! But first...




Would somebody in the audience be kind enough to remove the cinder-blocks from the poor lad's arms?

They must hurt like a bitch...




Ooh! People rapidly advancing towards us, brandishing weapons! Perhaps they'll be our friends?




Aw, phooey ;;




Considering AVALANCHE seems to consist of yourself, an obsese man who's rubbing his arse against the wall and a gender-ambiguous teen over there, I can't say I was expecting the SOLDIERs to be lining up at the door to get in.




The only enemy here, missy, is clunky exposition!




Well he heard you guys could brew up a wicked tequila slammer and just had to get in on that shit!




Yes, I'm guessing that's why he was referred to as Ex-SOLDIER in battle before.

Not to be confused with Lightning, who was just an ex-soldier. Two totally different things!




"Didn't offer it, short stuff."




I had a friend who swore that Cloud's name was pronounced 'Clod', so... here's to you, buddy!





Oh, that Cloud. He's a loose-cannon. A maverick, if you will. Daresay, even a touch malcontent!




"But our group-hug meetings just aren't the same over voice chat :( "




Considering that's basically a straight line run from here, wouldn't we be moving as a group then?




Yeah? Well I don't trust YOUR FACE!




Rest assured, this joke and the similarities between the two characters has never been brought up on the Internet before!

I'm breaking new ground with all the rapidness of a glacier~




"Push the what to go where?! What the hell are you talking about, dude?"




But no time for that now, we've got... something to do... somewhere!




Oh, I've been inside many-a reactor, boy!

Wink.








Meanwhile, in the future, Raijin gets extremely upset and can't quite figure out why.




Even in death, Mako influences us all!




Isn't 'life blood' a little redundant?




If you're trying to avoid lectures you've picked the wrong series to star in, bucko!




Wasn't I going to anyway?




Ahhhhh! Dude, personal space much?!




Neither you, nor this inexplicably Pi-powered elevator, can tell me what to do!




And that's the end of that chapter~!




"Everyone in forever knows currency will still be valuable after the world becomes a lifeless husk!"




Wouldn't the Roboguards be part of the security?

... Scratch that, what kind of moronic name for anything is Roboguard?




Failing to influence Cloud, Barret suddenly turns on the audience and tries to brainwash them instead.




Man, I love the use of my legs!




"Oh, sweet Jimminy-basket-case, now you're talking in jibberish. THE MADNESS IS SPREADING!"




Oooh, floor-mints~ My favourite!




Way to dash my hopes, game... Way to dash my hopes ; ;




Da-dunka-dunk, hunka-junk~!




"But if you set us up the bomb, so help me god I'm will seriously punch you so hard that even my face will be sore for a week!"




The man raises a good point.




If you don't want him to 'pull nothin'', why don't you just set up the bomb then?




But, suddenly, Cloud starts seeing red and hears voices!

Yes, this is clearly the man that should be setting up the highly volatile explosive device!




!!

...

Okay, I have no idea what the game's meant to be implying here, since nothing ever comes of it.




Such an excellent question.




Oh, no! Not the invisible boss encounter!

Fun Fact: When I was a kid, I used to have trouble beating this boss (for a reason that'll become obvious in a sec') so I stopped playing the game for a while, until I got the, frankly, brilliant notion in my head that since other games could let me jump all over the place, I could, in fact, just jump over the boss encounter and skip it!

. . . . .

WELL IT MADE SENSE TO ME!




First Boss Battle of the game~! Woooo!

It's just a simple matter of attacking and casting Bolt whenever you have the opportunity. Or using Limit Breaks once the Scorpion Guard stacks smacking you about. Assuming he ever does, as he occasionally has a weird tendency to use his scanning thing 100% of the time, instead of actually attacking anybody. Whoopsie!

Anyway, once you get him down to low health, he'll raise his giant stinger-tail and...





Right. So if I don't attack now, it's gonna fire it's laser? Okay. Gotcha!




WHAT.




PREPARE YOURSELF TO DIE!

I don't know if I'm referring to the Scorpion Guard or whoever translated that battle 'tip'.




Aw, yeah!




That wasn't part of our deal!!




Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! Running! Running! Running!




GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY




Goddamn, where's the Advent Children physics when you need  'em? I have no time for dilly-dallying on ladders!




Adorable, really. I mean, it's not like there's anything important going on or anything!




Who was the asstosser that decided this would be a countdown timer, instead of remote detonation?!




WHY ARE YOU STANDING AROUND INSTEAD OF OPENING THE DOOR GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO




Aaaaaaaaargh! Why is my skin designed to be distinctly damaged by fire?!




*fwoooooooosh~*




Have fun explaining that to the families of all the people your explosion just killed, mister.




Mako reactors are just oversized matchsticks, apparently.




But thankfully everyone knows sliding out of a fire on your butt prevents you from getting horribly burnt.

It's grade school knowledge, really.




Except for poor Wedge, who somehow mistook the instructions as rubbing your butt vigorously while sticking your head back into the very same fire you just escaped from.

He's kind of stupid like that.




What is Barret's obsession for splitting up? If your team includes a man who has a gatling gun for a hand and a man who has a sword that's arguably bigger than he is, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb regardless!




Under no circumstances in anyone allowed to tell Genesis about this show, okay?!




I love that casual option. Yup, absolutely nothing important suddenly killed those hundreds of people or destroyed the streets for several blocks around the reactor! Happens all the time, really. Yup. This is the time for casual banter!




 . . . . Uhhhhh, you're selling what exactly on the streets?




Bow-chicka-bow-wow!




Don't worry, ma'am, you're just suffering from a slight case of Unnecessarily Large Text Box illness.

It'll disappear in 3-5 days, with the proper amount of rest.




"Yes. Trust us. The people who just caused a giant explosion and murdered a bunch of innocent people! We're legit!"




I don't think blowing up a section of the planet counts as protecting it.

Unless you mean in the mobster sense.




Crickey, it's the Rozzers!




CHEESE IT!




You'd think so, wouldn't ya?




Thankfully they never expected that Cloud had equipped the Land Onto a Speeding Train Without Suffering Grievous Bodily Harm Materia when he woke up this morning~!




Well maybe if you bought him some nice flowers and took him out somewhere nice this wouldn't have happened!




A bit of an asshole? Why yes. Yes, I do!




The man can barely fight his way to the bottom of a bottle of Erdinger, let alone to the end for AVALANCHE.




No, you look like a very angry, tense young man. Do you need a hug?




Huh? At what part did they screw up, exactly?




Choo?




How Cloud managed to roll into the train while he was standing on the roof, I have no idea.




Trust me, he aint kidding. Just wait until the spinoffs are released!




I spent 15 minutes sitting here trying to say this out loud properly.

As far as I can tell, a friend deduced that it must mean, 'Shut up, you sound like a goddamn retard.'




Uh, are there some feelings you have for Cloud that you'd like to get off your chest, Barret?




Declaration of anger and intent, or HIDDEN MESSAGE THAT FINAL FANTASY VII IS ALL A DREAM?!?!?!




Okay then. It's my home now, bitch!




But.. I just.. walked down the carriage?

Damn, you've got anger issues!




Not especially, no.




No, that's okay. I think I'm just gonna sit down, y'know, after all that running and fighting, and just rel--




Are you even listening to me?!




Wow, Barret keeps his men really well informed, huh?

Doesn't even tell them what reactor they've blown up until well after the fact.




Our first of many, many, many, many clues that Midgar is a bit of a shithole.




Time doesn't pass in Midgar? Oh crap! Causality has been broken! The entropy backlash from the Universe will surely destroy us all!!




Especially the part where it isn't floating at all.




Yes, because that was such an earth-shatteringly philosophical insight.




Mmmmm, suffering pizza....




Because the slums are the only place where you can buy Jaffa cakes and Tim-Tams.




Well I didn't think they lived in the slums for their health, Barret.




What if, and this is just totally hypothetical here, what if the land gets polluted by a disturbingly large chunk of the sector plate above them coming down and crushing them? I think that'd be a bit of a dissuader, personally.




Unless it crashes. But.. uh.. that kinda derails your metaphor a touch, so I'll shut my mouth now.




Well, doesn't that just look like such a happy place to live in?




"Yelling this out in a public area only further shows how innocent and not-at-all-terrorists we are!!"




Uhhh, is there any reason why you're acting so darn creepy all of a sudden?




"Baby? What are you talking ab---Oh, fuck! Tell Sasha that the baby's not mine! She slept with a hundred dudes at that party! I mean, c'mon!"




"IT'S NOT MINE, I'M TELLING YOU!!"




See, Cloud? This is why one night stands are always risky business.




Has anyone ever not fought with Barret? You could say 'Hello' to the guy and he'd still punch you in the dick.




Dissidia 012 felt the need to make this literal, so why not!




You're right, Tifa...




That's why I didn't. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mine is truly an evil laugh!




Okey-dokey, chief, whatever you sa-Ohhhhh! I get it now! Train crashing, 'derails your metaphor'!

I am a witty man!

Except not.




It's a good thing nobody ever comes in here to play Pinball, otherwise this'd be a bit awkward!




"How many buckets of L'Oreal does it take to get your hair like that? Seriously."




Nope. They were on their way to the reactor, but... well... your explosion saw to them, didn't it?

Especially poor Frank. He was only two days away from retirement. Had a lodge in Costa Del Sol waiting for him and everything...




This raises a question. Do we ever fight anyone from SOLDIER in this game?

I suppose it helps keep the feeling that they're all walking ass-kicking machines, but it seems a bit weird now.




I don't recall Cloud setting up invites to a pity parade in that sentence.

Unless Barret means 'badass' here, but it's hard to tell since I only understood half of what the twit said.




Biggs decides to get the celebratory butt-humping party started ahead of schedule!




"MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T SUDDENLY HUMP ENOUGH THINGS FROM BEHIND!!"

But, more importantly...




IS.

JECHT.




I'm not entirely sure what Barret's deal is here. He asked a question, Cloud answered him, but now Barret feels the need to start attacking him over something that was never said in the conversation?

I'm either missing something here, or there's a lot of weapons-grade Stupid in the room right now.




Uhhhh, seems like you're the one hanging onto them right now.

Just sayin'.




Cloud decides to try and man-up to Barret.

Either that or he's trying to lean in for a kiss.




"IF YOU LIKE SHINRA SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU MARRY THEM~?!"

Luckily, Cloud has an all-powerful comeback to this biting line! Cloud?




See? There ya go.




Gawsh darn it all the H-E-double-hockey-sticks! ............................................... money ......................!!




Whaaaaaaa?

But... Barret... he.... and..... Shinra.... yelling... Cloud... and..... Oh, fuck it. Who cares?




Oh yeah, because the amount of incentives to do that right now are through the flippin' roof!




"Well, then it's sort of like my patience, in that regard. Uncanny, really!"




YUP~! :D




Cloud forgets many things. What's your point?




Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going that far back we'll need popcorn or something.




Tifa apparently has a projector stored away in her cleavage or something, since there's no logical way they could see the well that's on the other side of the goddamn planet.




Sounds like a pretty disappointing Friday night for all concerned.




It's time for Final Fantasy VII Babies~! The new hit-spinoff coming to Nick Jr this fall!

I think Cloud's meant to be a teenager here, but it's hard to tell when you have to super-deform already super-deformed characters.




Alongside the word 'The', apparently.




Uhhh, yeah, Cloud.... about that.




Absolutely not!




HAWT




No. Only the most deranged of spinsters would remember a promise that vague nearly a decade down the line.




Yeah, that's about my reaction to it.




Tifa concentrates hard and finds enough of her Inner Rinoa to bug Cloud into finally agreeing...




And then we get a shot of a shooting star.

Because, um... this was a romantic scene now?




Oh for crying out loud, Barret. We have an elevator there for a reason. We don't need you going all gorilla on us!

Also, why is there a neon sign saying 'TEXAS' in the fantasy world's bar? I... Is it a brand of beer or something?




Seriously? 1,500 gil?

I could've gone to Kalm and bashed one monster over the head and gotten the same amount!

Granted, this does raise the concern of why monsters are carrying currency, but my point remains valid!




"I haven't got time to kill two monsters. I mean, cha!"




NOT ANYMORE LOL




I'm betting Marlene won't say the same thing in a few years time!




And then everyone celebrates the business arrangement with a sudden bout of narcolepsy!




"Uuuugh, my head. What happened? What's this scribbled onto my arm? 'For... a good... time... call..... JIM?!'"




Cloud is apparently turned on by snoring. Who knew?




Do you want us to split up again, all while running full-tilt down the one corridor that leads to the objective?




"I already told you, it takes 14 buckets and a large jug. Sheesh!"




Considering how Materia's usually formed, it might be best for your beliefs if it stays that way.

IT'S MADE OUT OF PEOPLE.




Or, instead, we could get a tutorial on the Materia system. Both are good!

Basically, for the three people who've never played VII, every piece of equipment you find in the game comes with little 'slots' on them, which allow you to place Materia inside of. Materia can allow you to cast spells, raise various stats, or do other things, like breathe underwater, lure Chocobos and all that good stuff!

It's a pretty neat system, and still holds up well enough. The only other thing to note is that two slots that link to each other (like the Buster Sword in the screenshot) means you can also link Materia. Like, putting Restore and All Material in both slots means that Cure can now be cast on every party member at once.

This has been your guide to the World of Facts~!  




Before we had off on Barret's mission that can't possibly go wrong in any way, let's check out the last of this dump!




I don't have to give you squat, you little prat!




Alright, that's it. Say goodbye to your teeth!




"Or the place of Obnoxiously Long and Boring Tutorials, but the tourists like the first name better."




I tried to imagine Steve Burton saying this line as Cloud and... it just can't be done!

I think water shot out of my nose, though.




Great line, or greatest line?




Oh well, enough faffing about! Better see what Mr. T wants with us...