Working as Intended

And so we've taken our first steps into what's considered the mother of all current JRGPs!

It's hard to say how it fares up yet, because... I'm a whole 40 minutes into the game. Golly! One thing can I say, however, is that the translation is downright ghastly at times. If it's not spelling errors abound then it's leaving entire words out of sentences for no apparent reason. Seriously, you'd swear I wrote or something!

But anywho, it's early days yet, so let's get back into the world of..... world.

Did they ever give VII's planet a name at any point?











When we last left our asshole of a hero, he was off to make another reactor explode and kill hundreds of people.

What an appealing character!




Mortal men have yet to devise a word that even encompasses 1/10th of how much I don't want to do that.




Just because you're an under-payed, overworked grunt working in a dump doesn't mean you can have a potty-mouth!




Goody gumdrops.

I better go before SOLDIER decides to play an ever-so-fun game of Hide the Buster Sword with Cloud's torso...




"Soooo... I hear you have tickets LOL ;) "




Just outside, we find two love-struck teens who have finally reconciled. Awwww~





And then they commit suicide.

Yeah, I'm going going to away now and be.... away.




Dang it, Barret! What's your obsession with splitting up at every possibly opportunity?

Is it because you have problems with intimacy? D... Do you wanna talk about it?




Hey, buddy? I have to up with them for the entire game.

If anyone should be facepalming here, it's me!




Tired of trying to talk to others, Barret now spends his days antagonizing his own text box.




Well, sooooorry, I didn't think this was the train of RACISM.




So now we're killing anybody who just works for Shinra?

Seems kind of harsh, if you ask me.




Yes, Barret, listen to the Cleavage of Reason!




Whew. Crisis Resolved!





Makes sense to me.




I recall hearing no such thing, my good man!




Oh no! The Station will 11:45!

... What the fuck does that mean?




So, we got on the train for approximately three minutes because..?

Couldn't we have just walked it or something?




"Actually, good sir, my last name is Fair. No, wait, I meant Strife. Strife! Shit, what'd I say?"




Is it just me, or does Barret start getting very uppity with people based on arguments he created by himself out of nowhere?




Indeed I have, sugartits. It's not something I want to go through again, let me tell you!






Has something come along and burst our bubble?




"We'll make out there! It'll be super hot."




Just one day where I'm not fleeing in terror from something. That's all I ask!




Do they just not scan the last car or something?

Seems like a rather glaring design flaw.




"As long as you ignore the red lights, and the blaring alarms. Yup! Everything's comin' up AVALANCHE!"




We're going to dive out of a moving train?

.... Yeah, sure! I can't see how this could possibly go wrong. I was a madman for ever doubting your genius!




"You're all completely goddamn insane!"




Yeah, I'd probably fling myself out of the train too just to escape another of Barret's brilliant ideas.




NOT SHOWN: Tragedy!




And then Barret leaves Biggs, Wedge and Jessie on the train to be captured by Shinra guards and spend the rest of their days locked away in a tiny jail cell... Alone. Starving. Afraid.

What a top-notch boss!




AS PLANNED?!

Okay, you're officially the worst rebel leader of all time. I'm taking away your swearing privileges!




How do they avoid getting captured and bumraped by Shinra, but we have to leap off a moving train?




Well, crap. That was a short game. See you next time, everybody!




Cloud's used to squeezing his way into holes, baby.




Thankfully, some kind hobo was nice enough to leave a refreshing bottle of Sprite for our wayward travelers!




I'm still in a dreeeeam, Snaaaaaake Eaaaaaaaaaateerrrrr~




Mmmm, break me off a piece of that.

...

WHAT?




How did you even get here?!




Okay, fine, have your little sorrow samba over here. It's cool.

I'm going to go off and be awesome now. Toodles!




Why did you even come here in the first place? You didn't do anything!




WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~




Shortly afterwards, Cloud breaks his brain yet again.

I don't know about you, but I feel mega safe with him on the team!




If you're feeling a sharp pain in the back of your head, don't worry. It's just the plot using the Foreshadowing Anvil.




"None are as big as my breasts!"




I'm sure they love you too, sweety.




Was that a description or an order?





Sorry. Couldn't resist.




With the bomb properly armed, it's time to make our second exciting and cunning escape!




Except someone at AVALANCHE apparently had their two brain-cells collide for a few seconds, so this bomb isn't a timed one at all! Except for the part where we find out it is. So... I have no idea what my point here is now.

This game's confusing!




Jessie can kindly go suck on the world's largest cocksicle, because this part is just irritating beyond belief.

As it says, you have to time Cloud pressing the button when Barret and Tifa do. If you're even a fraction of a second off, you fail and have to start over again. You can't just tell them when to go, because that'd make some remote semblance of sense.

Speaking of sense, why does the reactor have this sort of mechanism to unlock the front door? You can only open it from the inside, apparently, and any three jerks (or one rather limber jerk) could just press all three and waltz right out of here. Wouldn't, say, a password system, or perhaps even live guards be a better alternative?




Drat...




Crap!




ARGH!




OH, COME ON!!




Oh, fuck you, game.




Finally! The sweet embrace of freedom!

Also, hopefully not getting burnt alive again!




Not to be confused with Shinra SOLDIERs.

Yeah, it's a pretty confusing system they have cooked up here.




IT'S A TRAP!!




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN




The oven in the tower was broken, so he had to come down to the reactor to bake the cookies.

They're big cookies, y'see.




Yeah! Screw those hundred of innocent people caught in the cross-fire. What jerks, am I right?




Incoming best insult of all time in 3... 2... 1....



I am awestruck by this wicked burn.




President Shinra must be made out of solid granite, as a lesser man would've been reduced to a blubbering mess!




Awwww~ See? He likes us! :D




Uh, that would be your hand, Barret.




And that would be the result of a 3D model artist crying himself into an early grave.




I don't think that's his first name, Cloud.

Oh, hell, maybe it is. Just like Mean Guy, what other role could you have with a name like that?





I don't think she was debating that part, Cloud, you dingnuts!




Bust a move?




"I must say, kind fellows, I do apologize for the rude words of my master. I assure you that I mean you no har--"




"That was most uncivilized of you, madam. If you fail to desist in this brash behaviour, I will have no choice but to employ ever-so-rough force and inform the local constables!"



"Well, I never!"




"ERROR 493: DAPPERNESS NOT FOUND.... MUST. SELF. DESTRUCT."




Shazam!





Well a fat load of help you are right now, then!




"YOU GUYS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"




Aside from a bad case of the Dying Horribly, yeah, I'm doing just great!




Whaaaa?




This is a good question. What is your deal, bizarre text god?




Dude! Zip his trousers back up, for the love of god!




... This is turning more and more into a bad porno by the second.




What, what!




Uh... thanks for suddenly sharing that little tidbit?




What, the church fell on top of you?

That... seems rather painful, doesn't it?




Falling to your probable death tends to have that effect, yes.




Yes. The ground broke his fall.

Either gravity isn't as harsh in the VII world as it is here, or Cloud's arse is equal parts lead and elastic.




".... MR. BOND."




Admit it, every last one of you who'd played the game picked this option.




I know, that's why I said it~




Look, missy, I'm going to have one party member constantly out to steal the stuff. I don't need you adding to the roster!




So it's the Final Fantasy XIV of Materia?




"... like the clock on a VCR. I swear, you people sometimes..."




Like me on a weekend!




Slim Shady?




I'm actually sticking with this name change, since, goddamn it, I've gotta learn it's not Aeris anymore somehow!




Suddenly, a mysterious man of mystery doth approacheth!




Okey-dokey then.








If you burst out into a Whitney Houston song I'm screaming and flinging the game straight out the window.




Are you coming on to me?




I'm not hearing a no...




Cloud doesn't have time for your passive-aggressive flirting. All business, he is!




So, essentially, Aeris Aerith is selling herself to Cloud in exchange for something.

Yup. No unfortunate implications here. So, siree!




Sorry, Reno, but Cloud's already found a date. Find your own man-whore!




Tell that to Tifa in Advent Children...




I think the politically correct term is Asian eyes, Reno, you little so-and-so!





As far as I can tell, Holy Hell is the name of a power metal band. So I'm not really getting the implication here.

Is Reno a metal-head? Sorry, buddy, but this game has no Otherworld equivalent!




And now to make our flawless and in no way possibly fatal escape!




The who's getting what now?




EAYGH!!

Sounds like what a pirate would scream when someone with a peg-leg steps on him.




And now we come to the thrilling little mini-game which will determine if Aerith LIVES OR DIES :O!!

By which I mean not at all. If you choose 'Hold on a minute!' you can run up the stairs and start pushing barrels down onto the soldiers as they rush at Aerith one at a time (soldiers are nothing if not courteous). If you manage to hit a soldier, your affection with Aerith will increase.

However, I'm aiming for affection with... uh... someone else, so let's try and cock this up!




JUST AS PLANNED




And then the soldier turns into... two... panthers. As soldiers are privy to do from time to time.




Help! Police brutality!




Y'know, that doesn't seem like the sort of thing I'd be laughing about.




THAT'S WHAT THE WORD 'AGAIN' MEANS CLOUD YOU NUMBDINGLES





HAWT

Although, the group is made out of 90% guys.

...

h.... hawt?




Well I doubt they're doing it for shits and giggles.




Ahahahahahahahahahahaha... ahahahaha... ha...

Oh, wait, you're serious.

Allow me to laugh even harder.




Who actually talks like this? Unless...




IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW




Part of him's probably been in a SOLDIER. Does that count?





THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION, WOMAN




One must always look both ways before walking across the Pimp Crossing.




And after a short jaunt and more random encounters than I would've liked (ie: above 0), we find ourselves in another slum! It's Midgar. You're going to run into them all the farkin' time.




Well maybe if you came back when he wasn't masturbating he'd be more receptive!



And lo, an Internet meme was born.




Oh, he's not crazy. It's just a monkey!

Wanna banana~?




Subtle.




You know, for all the Huge Importance the game'll give us about flowers growing in the Church, there seem to be an awful lot of them next to Aerith's home.

My Mary Sue senses are tingling!




"I gathered as much by the fact that you barged in and started yelling, deary!"




Burst into interpretive dance?





No, she's a goddamn submarine.




It's fun to purposely cause drama!




Uh... why are you sharpening that knife?




I don't think I trust you anymore...




So now we can add sexist onto the list of Cloud's ever-so 'endearing' traits.




Personally, I expect you to kick him square in the Mean Bean Machine for that comment.




"OR POSSIBLY NEVER AGAIN, BUT WE'LL PLAY THIS BY EAR."




You... gave up awfully quickly there.




"It's getting so late, in fact, that it's bright outside. What are the odds, eh?"




No, it means he's from Gosford.




I didn't wanna come here in the first place!




WHAT COULD THIS MEAN???





So not only does Cloud randomly hit the ground and start hallucinating, but he now has conversations with the voices in his head?

... Is it too late to swap characters? I don't feel safe anymore!




And then Cloud has a flashback about his mother.

Again. Nothing at all insane about any of this. Nope!




I FEEL ASLEEP!!




In order to escape out of the house without Aerith noticing you, you have to walk slowly across the wooden panels. Otherwise they'll squeak and she'll come bursting out of the room at such a furious pace that Cloud involuntarily collapses and you have to start all over again.

It's pretty easy, but since I'm a complete spaz my gamepad sucks, it took me five goes to finally crack this.

But it doesn't matter now, since we're free forever! Time to run over to Tifa's bar an---




DISBELIEF!!




I think the more pertinent question is how the flying balls did she get over here so fast?!




Oh well. Trying to answer that would only lead to more questions, so let's just move on.

The road to the next Sector is short, but perilous! Filled with nasty mutations, bugs, robots and...




A... demonic house?!

Alright. That's it. I officially completely give up on trying to bring reason to this game. I'm done.




Fine. Here's a Kit-Kat.




Oh god, it's the slippery-slide I used to see in my nightmares!




"Super Ultra Mega-Stud. Rear Admiral, if you catch my drift ;) "




She asked for your rank, not the last plane ticket you ordered.





Oh, Aerith, you never talk about past boyfriends on the first date. That's a big negatory and turn-off!




r u srs??




I don't think Zack's going to appreciate that comment very much, you little hussy!




Suddenly, a chocobo the two couldn't possibly have noticed because they're facing the wrong direction shows up!




No, that's a Chocobo, dumbass.




Oh, do I detect a slight hint of TOTAL JEALOUSY in that last sentence, Aerith?




I think it's a bit late to be calling that if she's already left the screen, Cloud.

You know how some women go all Highlander when they see any sort of dating competition...

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!! and that sort of jazz.




My sentiments exactly.