Final Fantasy IX - Part Three
Posted on 12/04/2010 by Trambapoline
I just can't win!
With each IX entry I try to keep them short-ish in length (which is less due to any demands from people, and more to do with my level of laziness), but each one ends up being longer than even the most drawn out Final Fantasy VIII entry! Oh well, people like the long stuff, so it's all good! Except for my poor little hands...
So far IX has been pretty darn fun, and as enjoyable as I remembered it being. The Evil Forest can be a pain in the butt at times, but otherwise it's a very solid starting for the game. VIII had one as well, with Dollet and stuff, so it'll be interesting to see how what I think of IX's first disc when I'm done with it~
And speaking of that, let's progress through it s'more!
No, I'm sure the only cavern-like formation we can find isn't the right place at all!
I'm going to use my incredible powers of deduction and say that all the ice being blasted out of the cavern here means this is the place.
. . . .
THE ICE CAVERN HAS ICE IN IT?! GET OUT!
"The Ice Cavern has ice in it. Also, the ocean has water. NOW BRING ON THE PRAISE AND WOMENS!!"
And on that awkward downer of a note, it's time to move onwards!
Yes, thank you, game, I know.
Unless it comes with pretty pictures. I like those.
Man, the way Zidane is going on you'd swear the cavern was made of ice or something, pfft!
The Ice Cavern isn't anything to really write home about, except for these neat little 'hidden' areas that Vivi can blow up real good, which let the party pick up treasure. Other than that, it's basically a straight-line run through to the end.
Oh, and there's also a Moogle trapped in ice, for some reason.
Yes, fire tends to have that effect.
So Moogles have quite the potty mouth? I approve.
Right. Well, I think that's everything that needs to be said about this place. Let's move ou-
Oh dear...
Whoopsie-daisy!
That's it. This place is now known as the Durp Cavern, as everyone's done nothing but say or ask stupid things!
That's... certainly one way to try and wake him up.
You see, this is what you get for not wearing proper clothing! You crazy, JRPG designed sillies!
i c wut u did thar
WAIT
Could this possibly mean...
HURRAY!
... Oh, fine. You don't let me have any fun!
The sound of my immense disappointment.
"Welp, time to abandon everyone and find the source of the mysterious noise, which may lead to something that will kill me, since I don't have the support of my allies. Yes, clearly this is something that must be done!"
Voice of God! VOICE OF GOD!!
No, I should be off playing as a lovably idiotic Galbadian soldier. You gotta learn to deal with disappointment, kiddo.
What the?! THAT'S CHEATING!
Okay, now while I actually love a lot of aspects of Final Fantasy IX's battle system, the Stealing portion of it can kindly go fuck right off. You actually get all sorts of awesome items and stuff by Stealing, that's not the problem. The problem is that Stealing any remotely useful item is entirely luck-based. You could get it on the first turn, or the hundred and twenty-seventh. You never know.
For example, Zidane went through three Trances in the time it took me to finally steal a goddamn Mythril Dagger off the Sealion here, which is neither a lion, a sealion, or in the sea. Also, the dagger I had so much trouble Stealing comes with an ability that improves your Steal rate.
Hah-fuckity-hah, game.
I'm assuming they'll do it simultaneously then? Since that would the logical thing to do.
This is the proper reaction to everything that just happened.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
Well, this went from 0 to Wrong awfully quickly.
"YOU MEANIE!!"
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Thanks, Eagle-Eye.
Well, time to plunder and burn the joint!
I have no idea what this is meant to mean, so I'm just going to read it as Garnet calling Zidane a man-whore.
Which is entirely accurate.
Y'see, this is because, get this, it's never been done before in any piece of fiction, GARNET IS A PRINCESS WHO LONGS FOR THE OUTSIDE WORLD SHE COULD NEVER REACH BY USUAL MEANS
Don't worry, the game will only try and bash this character trait into our heads another hundred or so times.
That's an awkwardly stupid reason to go visit a village.
Why not just say, "I'm tired, and there's an Inn over there. Let's move out, broheims?"
Why? I doubt people out in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere would know exactly what the princess looks like.
Can it be Batman?
"ESPECIALLY NOT WHILE I ANNOUNCE HER BY TITLE EVERY NANOSECOND!"
You could stand to take your own fair share of Shut The Fuck Up as well, monkey-boy.
I believe the ancient philosophers once referred to it as a Pointy-Deathy Stick.
Or that. Either way, really.
Nobody cares, Zidane. Sorry.
Just because I like fucking up the game's intentions.
I think that sounds stupid, and something a nigh-homicidal hillbilly family would name their unfortunate offspring.
And after some boring to recap back-and-forth banter over Dagger learning to speak like 'common folk', (She got as far as saying 'Alrighty!') We're off to the village which Zidane may or may not have ever visited!
RIVETING
Actually, before we reach the village, there's two little sidequest oriented things we can start progress with~!
If you run around the forests outside the village, you'll eventually encounter a Friendly Mu who will want an Ore, kind of like the PuPu quest from VIII. This quest is actually rather important if you're looking to complete IX's optional sidequests.
Second up on the list, if you 'fidget' around the forest (lightly tapping on the analog stick/D-Pad so you don't rustle the leaves when moving about) you will almost always guarantee an encounter with...
Ragtime Mouse, who will quiz the party on various little bits of trivia about the game. Unlike the Friendly Creatures side-quest, this doesn't really go anywhere outside of giving you a shiny reward if you answer enough things correctly.
He can be encountered a total of four times on the first disc, a friend told me, so I nutted them all out in the forest here, since my memory is shit and I'd probably forget about the poor guy until Disc 4 or something...
YAY!!!
Right, let's get going with that wacky thing known as the story!
What, no thrilling dialog about "Is this a village?", "Are these... buildings?!" or anything?
Poor guy must've been playing the start of Disc 2 on FFVIII.
"WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE PLANS?!"
Ah, this is a very good question! Let's find out, shall we?
Well, no, I didn't expect that you had that bit planned ahead of time.
No, she wanted to be kidnapped so she could go to the liquor store around the corner, for shits and giggles.
What kind of stupid question is that?!
DEY TOOK OUR JERBS!!
We weren't questioning that bit, missy. Why do you want to leave?
Oh, for God's sake!
I like how Dagger has no damn say in the matter.
Oh, the woe that is living life without a backbone!
Vivi sums up my thoughts on this conversation perfectly.
And then everyone else falls asleep. As tends to happen occasionally while visiting an Inn.
Queen Brahne. You may now commence screaming.
It was just someone going, "Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaa~" a bunch. No need to get so dramatic about it.
TELL ME UR SECRTS!!
no u
Let's bug everyone's favorite Black Mage for a little bit~
Where the hell did he draw that conclusion from? Especially since there's no women around at all.
Who cares if he doesn't, huh? HUH?!
Jesus, Zidane, could you please keep your hormones in check for more than 4 seconds?
Yes. We know.
"Although all the ladies there seem to be deaf, blind or going cross-eyed constantly. What's up with that?"
Smell ya later.
KWEH!
"Unhand me, foolish child, or I shall END YOU!"
After meeting up with Dagger and having more not-interesting-to-recap banter about how Dagger should speak, it's time to blow this Popsicle stand!
Which makes her fit in even more with this world, when you think about it.
"Oh, yes, those five seconds without you were absolutely mortifying! However would I possibly cope..."
The lack of an actual castle of any sort being the biggest difference.
Off having a Sexy Party at Jenny's place. Weren't you invited?
LIKE, ZOINKS, TO THE MYSTERY MACHINE
And onto another ATE. One that sounds vaguely dirty.
What doesn't in this game?
I AM ADELBOT STEINBORG 2000 I WILL DESTROY ALL HUMANS BEEP
Oh-ho. Didn't think Steiner swung that way!
"... Your Queen was quite cool, until you replaced her with an inbred hippopotamus."
"And await my instructions, if you ever wish to see your precious family ever again! Mwahahahahahaha!"
I'm sure it's some innocent reason and totally not sinister or anything.
Let's!
... Well that certainly didn't take long.
SOMETHING SINISTER OH CRAPBASKETS
Yet another thing that'll become important for a sidequest in the future~
DAMN IT STEVE, YOU SAID NOBODY WOULD FIND OUR SECRET BASE UNDER THE METAL TURTLE!
Um.. might wanna see a doctor about that, dude.
Why would the mayor's brother find it on hi-... Ohhhhhh!
I hear they have fabulous medics!
O SNAP IT'S VIVI
Also, how the hell doesn't anyone see or hear what's happening with Zidane?
Which means....?
Or they could be stealing the Alexandrian logo for nefarious, counterfeiting purposes.
But everything has to be melodramatic and suspenseful in an RPG, so Dagger's probably right.
Into the depths we go!
Oh, sorry. I.. I just had something in my eye, that's all.
No, the box magically became sentient and ate him without the two workers ever noticing!
Like set them on fire.
Or he could just set them on fire!
Hahahaha. That's the least threatening thing I've ever heard.
What is this, a PTA after-school special?
Why doesn't he just SET THEM ON FUCKING FIRE?!
Chocobo~! Kweh!
"I DON'T EVEN"
O SNAP
Actually, I have to say, the plot-reveal here of 'mages' being produced in the factory is actually pretty cool, and really picks up the otherwise rather lax and event-less section of this disc. It'll really help Vivi's character in the hours to come as well, naturally.
But before the group can really figure out what the dilly-o is happening here, someone approaches!
Though the black screen really isn't helping my imagination here...
Running time!
YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME OUT HERE, GAME
Meanwhile, Steiner is showing us all how to be polite!
"I'll be your best friend. Promise~!"
I'll say.
"THAT CRAZY OLD MAN'S PREDICTION WAS RIGHT!"
Well, no fucking shit.
I daresay it looks like it's the plot!
CANDY!!
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
Hahahahahaha! Awesome!
Even the characters aren't used to a Final Fantasy game getting its plot on so quickly. I mean, what the hell?
Yup, he'll definitely tell the truth. No chance he'll lie about it or anything, no sir!
Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again, without the stutter.
"YES! THE IN NO WAY CRAZY OLD MAN WHO LIVES IN A SHACK FAR AWAY SAID SO! BELIEVE ME!"
SUDDENLY
And I do mean suddenly.
"She wants to know if you know where the remote is. She's looked all over the house!"
Nice to meet you~!
OH SHI- BLACK WALTZ IS A BORG
I DON'T WANNA BE ASSIMILATED!
This fight is pretty standard, except for one little quirk. Unless you want a massive counter-spell of ouchies, never use Vivi's black magic or Steiner's magic sword thingy. It's best to stick with melee-only attacks for this encounter.
Oh, interesting note, the battle can actually end if everyone except Dagger is KO'd and Dagger is put to sleep. Which makes sense, since that's the objective of the Black Waltz. Cunning, game designers!
Because you decided to be a complete donk and attack me, that's why!
... Except it was the Black Waltz that said it, and not Zidane.
Why you gotta be playa hatin', Steinbro?
See? Shit like this is why nobody likes you right now, Steiner.
Go sit in the corner!
Dude's got a point.
I have no idea if this'll work, but people have been saying that if I buy a butt-load of Wrists, I can use them shortly to make a hell of a lot of money. We shall see, my pretties! We shall see...
Let's jam!
That's because it's obviously going to the castle. How thick can you be?
C'mon, make the connection. You can do it! C'mon~!
"THINKING MAKES MY PRETTY HURT! :( "
NO! YOU THINK?
All aboard the Going In the Completely Wrong Direction-mobile!
HAHAHAHA BECAUSE PERVERTS AND GROPING IS FUNNY AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
. . . .
Except for the part where you did.
GEE I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY
Okay, that's kinda funny.
Vivi tries his hardest to communicate with the blank Mages, but fails.
It's actually a very sad moment for the poor little guy...
; ;
Yes, that would probably help with your whole 'avoid heading where we are currently going' plan.
Oh, fuck you, game.
"I know, I know, I lost your daughter and that sucks. But, hey, I bought you a frilly cake!"
Oooh, awkward. We.. uh, kinda left her behind.
But that's okay, right? I'm sure she won't be important to our future adventures in any way!
Alright then, I will!
I love you too, buddy~
Why? Did you order her a buffet?
Huh. I guess Zidane did something competently afterall. Huzzah!
UH-OH SPAGHETTIOS
Please, game, I think you've given me enough disgusting imagery for one entry...
I dunno, maybe the sudden presence of annoying nobodies aboard their craft, who just randomly changed its direction?
Or a big, freaky, demonic mage. Both are acceptable answers.
Why didn't they just make them all equally strong? Or send them all in at once? Or did someone involved go, "Well, the last two that were sent in on their own failed miserably, but I have a good feeling about this one"?
Cue sad FMV in 3...
2...
1...
Poor guys ; ;
Vivi rightfully loses his shit!
CHAERG!!!
Thanks for hammering the plot back into our heads, Mr. Waltz.
*SHOOOOOM*
Even without Dagger here to heal, this is the easiest of the Black Waltz fights, because Vivi automatically goes into Trance mode. His Trance is DoubleCast, which, as you'd expect, causes a metric fuck-ton of damage in a very short amount of time.
Be sure to try and steal some items from him before Vivi melts his face off, however.
No argument here!
No, because that's a stupid reason for him to be the last one.
Why not just make him say, "I'm the last and strongest Black Waltz. Blah!" or something?
Oh, great, it's these two dickshits again.
So you made it too powerful, and yet the party completely trounced him?
Man, you guys suck.
GO BACK TO RUSSIA
Eh, he's still not as repetitive as Steiner.
A female lead in a JRPG actually wanting to do something on their own? UNFATHOMABLE
Man, that'd be an awkward way to end the game.
*sqwish*~!
I'LL BE FINE, MADAM CAPTAIN
And this is followed by, quite possibly, one of my favorite Final Fantasy FMVs.
SHAZAM!
