Working as Intended

I'd say I'm surprised we're already halfway through Disc 1, but since each entry has been longer than any of the VIII ones (since I'm picky about where I stop, and I couldn't find a good one for many places) I guess that's to be expected. It's been a lot of fun, though! Except for the bit where characters just can't stop stating the obvious. But, in its defense, this is a staple of video game writing, for some reason.

Anywho, let's get cracking~










After the big FMV that brought the last entry to a close, this just seems outright anticlimactic.




I dunno, maybe because everyone just found out that Queen Brahne is totally fine with basically killing them with giant, demonic mages. Vivi found out he may or may not be manufactured, and this whole, 'heading to Lindblum' thing has turned into nothing short of a gigantic disaster? You think that has anything to do with it?!




Oh yeah, also that.




Can't argue with him here.




And this is a new developed how, Steiner?

The man could be buying ice-cream and it'd somehow devolve into him devoting his life towards Dagger yet again.




Hopefully it doesn't try to close on us like South Gate did. The ungrateful jerks!




Sure, if by 'close' you mean you groped her once. I don't think that especially counts.




So... yeah, Lindblum is quite the big cheese of settlements!




The Grand in the title is there TO SHOW HOW LARGE THE CITY IS




Yes. It's big. We know.




Hey, I never equipped you with an Exposition!Leotard, so shush!




And I humbly request a mountain of bacon with a lake of Fanta, but it aint gonna happen.




Hey! A simple, "Do you have proof of your claim?" would've done, you big meany!




:(




"She had to put with me, for crying out loud!"




"Preferably in the form of a fabulous song-and-dance number~!"




Hey, look! It's that silly pendant from the first entry which may or may not actually be important in any way.




"Specifically, call him an arsehole!"




O SNAP




Waiting for anything in particular, or is that just his thing?




HURR RESIDENT EVIL REFERENCE




And I'll get lost trying to find something on each level constantly throughout this game.




"In short, the opposite of you."




Wink.




Well, I doubt he's going to sit on the throne and go, "LALALALALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALALA"




Unless he throws out or executes you.




It's empty, so 'who' would be 'nobody' in this case.




OH SHITTING BEARS FROM ABOVE IT'S A GIANT BUG KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT




Everything's BIG in Lindblum. It's kind of like Texas, in that regard.




Uh, Steiner, you might wanna be quiet before...




... you make a complete git of yourself.




mo' liek Cid FaDROOL m i rite




Wow, you'd think "Rule of Lindblum Transformed into an Oglop and his Wife Abducted" would've been more well known. Does this planet not have news tabloids and gossip-whores or something?




"If it's about how freakishly hideous she is, trust me, it's not news!"




How do you know if you haven't heard the news? It could be, "Brahne has a shit-fueled ray-cannon aimed right at the city NOW" for all he knows. Or doesn't, in this case.




"There aren't nearly enough parasites or diseases in the dishes. Gross!"




Huh. I guess they named the dish after him then.




JESUS MAN CAN YOU GO FOUR SECONDS WITHOUT TRYING TO HIT ON ANYTHING WITH TWO LEGS?!




The battle of the wits, ladies and gentlemen.




DO IT, FAGGOT




Dun Dun Dunnn?




Swing and a miss!




I'm getting mixed messages here.




Welp, guess you'll just have to kill him now. Shame.

I'll go grab the seats and popcorn!




Huh. I guess his first guess was correct afterall.




"Great, until you came along."




A surprisingly casual answer fro-OH MY GOD IT'S A GIANT ANTEATER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!




YOU WILL SOON LOL




Oh! Uh.... I guess Zidane's soup was poisoned, because he suddenly falls asleep.




Sure! 'Vibrant' means 'fugly', right?




I guess it's time to file that restraining order!




Maybe not parading around in a stupid, bright-orange leotard would help your case?




LE GASP




"Also, the Force, but that's mostly unrelated."




ie: They looked like Black Mages, so that extra bit of description was entirely pointless.




Well, I doubt she's constructing them for the castle's synchronized swimming team.




Oh. Well, I guess we're cool then.

That was an easy game. Peace out, everyone!




No, wait, it seems we're continuing. Disregard.




Incoming awkward story!




That's about the correct reaction to this.




Is that an actual spell? Because, damn, that'd make my fights with the villains of this game a shit-load easier!




Only if the ship was made from iron!




I.. wasn't aware it was even night-time at any point, but, yes, hello~!




"There's got to be at least 20 NPCs here. Gee whiz!"




"... prostitutes. You know how it is."




Run, Vivi. Run while you still can!




REJECTED




Only if you find yourself a short pier and take a long walk off of it. Deal?




Another bizarre, but cute, piece of... it's not really foreshadowing, I guess, but, we'll see this Lani person later~




FINE THEN I WILL :(




Let's check up with ol' Steiner, through the magic that is ATEs!




"Though people around here seem to call them "OH GOD MY ORGANS!" I wonder why that is..."




Oh, Steiner, you so crazy~!




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




Here's the Synthesis Shop, and where my buying of the Wrists last entry comes to fruition! Y'see, Wrists and Steepled Hats can be synthesized here to make Cotton Robes, which sell for much more than they cost to make. The item store where you can find Steepled Hats is just across the road, so this is a great place to make some money.

For reference, I was able to turn my original 12,000 gil into 48,000 gil in a few minutes, by doing this.




Oh, while you're here, turn your two Mage Mashers into The Ogre.

Then have fun basically OHKO-ing any regular mob for the next disc and a quarter!




While we're here shopping, let's see what adorable ol' Vivi is up to!




He wanted to buy it, not have a mini-tutorial about the darn thing, woman!

Are you a relative of Quistis, by any chance?




Easily the best part of Disc 1, outside the finale. Why?




WHOOPSIE-DAISY





Everyone loves children's trading cards that are played almost exclusively by adults!




Great sign, or greatest sign?




Yes, abandoned buildings tend to be abandoned. Funny how this world works, huh?




How about continue the plot? That'd be much appreciated.




There we go!




DAMN IT ZIDANE THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE JUST DISCUSSED




Hah! So much for his story about all the ladies in Lindblum loving him. Tool.




And we've just discovered IX's version of Twilight fangirls. Start cringing, people!




Huh. If only Twilight had a Moogle. That would save poor Pattinson an awful lot of annoyance.




"SCREAMING ONLY HELPS MY CASE FURTHER!"




You shouldn't, and you don't.




This is going to be an awkward ATE. It'll just be a minute long image of everyone petrified or someth-




HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET OUT?!

I had to flee madly from billions of demonic insect plants and they just get to waltz right out with no dramas? Fuck you, game!




Let's go check out the Industrial District before my bitterness gets the better of me now.

Stupid Baku and his stupid stupidness...




Uhhhhh....




UHHHHHHHHHHHH....




On second thought, nevermind.




Suddenly, the stupid Lalalalalala song from Dali starts up again!




Considering the main tower of Lindblum is well over 100 stories tall, the poor girl would have to be screaming bloody murder out to achieve this feat.




"One day, my pretties, I will control you through song, and we will BRING RUINATION TO THIS WORLD"




"Nope, I'm 60% positive this stone pillar isn't Dagger. But to be sure, I better grope it first!"




The birds have enough of Dagger's shitty singing and rightfully fly away to a better composer.




That's certainly one way of putting i-




God damn it, Zidane! Could you please stick to one subject, you hyperactive little shit?




Actually, since they were going to kidnap you anyway, you really haven't caused anymore trouble for anyone then they would have in the first place. Except possibly Steiner, but I'm sure his Princess Senses would've tingled anyway and he'd would've found you regardless.




Oh QQ more, Princess.




I think the answer to that is blindingly obvious.




"Help you... in bed."




It'd be kinda funny if it was just a coincidence, and one of the little kids in Dali could just burst out into song on a whim.




It's her going, "Laaalalalalalalalalalaaa~" a bunch. It's not like it has any deep or significant lyrics. Sheesh.




Because there's nothing to learn about it, perhaps?




Okay, I know you want to get into her pants, Zidane, but making her song seem like it's some mystical and all-important melody is just reeking of trying too hard to impress her. You're not fooling anybody!

'Mystical song'... God.




ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!




IT'S TOO LATE NOW, YOU FOOL




That's a perfectly legitimate question.




Wow! That's, like, super desperate. I bet she's practically swooning now, you stud, you.




Some completely indeterminate amount of time later, it's time for the Festival of the Hunt!




Cool beans.




Right. Let's get crackin'!




Possibly because of that whole 'trying to stay under the radar' thing, Steiner? You idiot!




"I WILL SACRIFICE PROPER PUNCTUATION IF IT MEANS YOUR VICTORY!!!"




For those unfamiliar, the Festival of the Hunt is a 12 minute run through the city, where the objective is to kill as many monsters as possible. Depending on which character wins (You can only control Zidane, but you can 'manipulate' the system to get who you want to win easily enough) you'll get a shiny prize. If Zidane wins you're given some gil, if Freya wins you get some equipment, and, lastly, if Vivi wins you get a rare Card.

I have all the gil I need for a while, and Tetra Master is dead to me, so let's make Freya win!

Also, all the mobs you can fight during this event are actually viewable on the screen, and not invisible random encounters like usual. Why didn't they do this for the whole game?

Whatev's. In any case, the Festival of the Hunt is a hell of a lot of fun.




To guarantee that Freya wins, at 4:30 on the clock, head to this area of the Market Wards and you'll encounter an optional boss.




Have it kill Zidane while he steals/attacks, and Freya can easily finish it off by using Jump a whole bunch.




And there ya have it~!




YAY!




But before celebrations can be had, the bottom left corner of the screen decides to be a dick and ruin everything!




"The Ice Cavern has ice in it. I shit you not!"




No, the king of Bonerland, obviously.




Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-No.




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN




Well, crap. If only someone had bothered to cast Cure on him before he croaked. Oh well, such is life.

Except his.




No, that is a gross understatement.




Why not just yell, "OI! GET YOUR FAT ARSES UP HERE AND DO YOUR FRICKIN' JOB!" or something?




No, I'm sure it's the other war-mongering queen of a nation with her own army of disposable Black Mages.




Well, that settles that then!




"Without you. Just in case that wasn't clear."




Why? How long does it take to open a bloody gate?




Awwww~




So... basically eat the way I normally do anyway?




O SHI-




Goodbye, cruel, yet oddly whimsical, world!




DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




Ah, right, 'medicinal herb'. I gotcha.

Wink.

... Why does sound have a colour now?




Well, you've grown your backbone faster than most JRPG heroines. I'm impressed!




I'd say you should take a shot every time he says this, but you'd die of alcohol poisoning before the entry was through.




CHEESE IT!




To the local strip-joint. You gotta make gil whatever way you can in this messed-up world...




I didn't know Dagger was a Transformer! Though that would explain Ark later down the line....




Or she could be headed to the fucking moon. More importantly, who cares?




This is a much better idea. Let's go do that instead!




Fun Fact: Despite being told 'GO TO THE DRAGON'S GATE, DUMBASS' several times, I ended up going to the Serpent's Gate twice. You may now all point and laugh.




Until next time~!