Working as Intended

I still really don't get the relationship between Squall and Rinoa in this game. They've been on screen together for a total of maybe 30-40 minutes, and Squall still has absolutely no desire to be near the woman outside of professional obligations, and Rinoa continues to act like a bratty child. Where's the chemistry?

Eh, who cares. Let's continue!







Right. Let's see what the... suddenly flying Galbadia Garden is doing in Balamb.




"I don't even"




"See, honey? Look at all the soldiers and oppression. This is the best holiday ever!"




INCONCEIVABLE.




Well that's not very nice :(




"My name's Gustavo, and these are my two assistants, Cowboy Irvy and Hotthang. We're a traveling improv' group!"




Goddamnit, Zell! How did you get out of the basement?!




It's Zell, man. D.. Don't both trying to explain anything.




A magical giant turd that somehow and unfortunately learnt how to speak?




This is a foolproof strategy!

Assuming everyone around you is an idiot.







Kinky. Well, let's get this little occupation over and done wit-




GODDAMN IT ZELL GET OUT GET OUT

Ugh. Fine.




Even his mother doesn't want him here.




Listen, you little dickcheese, you're only in my party right now because you forced your way in. That doesn't give you the right to start taking the credit for anything. Now go sit in the corner and shut the fuck up.




No, one of the guards just beat him up instead. It was wonderful.




O SNAP

... Is it too late to defect to Galbadia?




Shut up, Zell.




"Ooooh, I hope he got the chocolates and card I sent him~!"




No, as that'd require someone to tolerate you for more than five seconds.



I thought I was the commander?! QUISTIS YOU LIED TO ME

Oh, wait, he said commander. Right, that's totally different. My bad.




"Damn it, we'll never find Mew under that truck at this rate!"




That's a pretty shitty gig you guys have got going on there.




... Huh?

I'm guessing this means I have to find the capt.. sorry, captain, but dear god is the wording here strange.




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




"Like, say, the one out in the harbour there QUICK FIRE THE MISSILES"




Wouldn't the fact that it's a small harbour make it harder for something to slip in unnoticed?




"As, apparently, I have the only kitchen in town. So very strange, when you think about it..."




OH NOEZ NOT YOUR PRIVATE SANCTUARY




Oh, shut up, you over-dramatic dickhead.


"This isn't nearly as homo-erotic looking as I was expecting.."




"Zell's a fuck-knuckle. No, wait, it's impossible to forget that."




Hahaha, oh Zell. You complete idiot.




Squall takes out all his frustrations regarding this disc on the punching bag.




... and then chases a dog.

It happens.




HOLY CRAP IT'S RAIJ-wait, no, that's not surprising in the slightest.




"By which we mean 'hi-larious'"




See?




Smooth move, shit-for-brains.




Another clue that Seifer really isn't that bad a guy.




This fight is, again, very simple. The two guards can be killed in a single hit, if you've been paying attention to Junctioning and spells, and Raijin hits like a wet tissue, so.. there's not much to say about this whole thing.




SHUT UP, ZELL




"No, Quistis, stay here. This should be funny."




SHUT UP ZEL- Oh, I think I just had an aneurysm..




Yeah, he has that effect on people.


 Now you have to fight both Raijin and Fujin. Which means...

Nothing, actually. They're both pretty weak, but Fujin carries Pandemona, the Wind GF. Some of my more Japanese-inclined friends told me to mention that Fujin (Fuujin) is the name of a Japanese Wind God, and how this is all terribly clever. So.. there you go. Neat.




Well that'll happen when you decide to nap during a battle.




Only two people will possibly remember what this is a reference to.


Frickin' Seifer is the strongest form of Seifer  




Huh. Well that was easy.




And Squally here goes into a little moment debating comrades and life as a soldier, while...



Raijin and Fujin make their escape! Oh well, at least Squall wasn't having a flashback.




"This town sucks. Not a single hooker in sight!

Except for Zell's mom O SNAP SON"




There's a TGI Friday's nearby that's usually having its Happy Hour around now.




What up?




Except for, you know, the missiles that were fired directly at it.




Indeed we are, but first...







I've been playing Triple Triad for most of Disc 2 now, but never bothered recapping it until a friend mentioned he wanted to see what the darn I was up to. So here's a little section just for that~




Hell yes. That's 100 Tornado spells for everyone to have Junctioned now!




And what could we possibly get off the Trepe Groupie? I wonder!

Actually, I was here for an Elastoid card to turn into a Steel Pipe for one of Irvine's weapons, but I also got..




Aw yeah.




Right. That's enough Triple Triad (for now...)

It's time to bite the bullet and head into one of the more obnoxious cutscenes in this game.




"I do not care for this decor at all, good sir!"




How about JUST UP THE ROAD THERE RINOA

Sheesh, you're blind.




Wankface, ditto.




No, I'm sure the missiles coming by and murdering everyone really brought in the tourism and cheerful spirit!




...

I'd say I just remembered why Zell and Rinoa aren't ever in my party, but that'd imply I ever forgot.




"Well, uh, you see... we're not really from h... This is awkward. Buh-bye!"




blahZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz




DON'T WORRY, WE'RE FROM TECH SUPPORT




"NEVER, YOU SNIVELING BRATS. NEVER!"




"YOU LITTLE PUNKS DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT THING COST PREPARE TO DIE"




Uhhhhhh, creepy, Selphie.




I NEED AN ADULT




Well, this will be Ground Zero for the incoming wank explosion.




Because it couldn't just be four discs of helping Rinoa fight for Timber, could it?

Christ, that's a scary thought!




HA!




np




No. I know you suck at battle and, well, everything, but look at the bright side...

You won't be taking part in any of it.




So, someone other than yourself?



It's either character development, or Rinoa's a hypocrite/stupid.

I'm willing to put good money down on the latter.




Don't make me throw up, please.




"I become as useless in battle as I am to the overall storyline in this game!"




... What?




Somehow I really fucking doubt that.




Oh shit, here we go!




Yes, as generally is the case with kids that are in an orphanage.




OH SHI- SEPHIROTH IS AT THE ORPHANAGE




Oh no...




Oh, what a coinkeedink!




Yes, an important question.




WOULDN'T THAT MAKE YOU MORE INCLINED TO BRING IT UP?

"Hey, guys, do you remember when we were kids?" That's all it'd take. But, no, Irvine had an obligation to the script to handily leave this out of any conversation until a required amount of time in the game had passed.

So.. did nobody ever question why they couldn't remember a single damn thing about their childhood?




Also, for some reason, Squall as an adult is a ghost-like image. Possibly to point out that this is a flashback-sorta thing. But, then... why is Irvine not like that? Or anyone else, as we'll see in a bit?

This whole thing makes no sense, and we're only 2 minutes in.




Awww ;;




Oh Christ, this means everyone has had to put up with Zell for 16+ years.

God, what a shitty life that has to be. No wonder they forgot about it!




Even back then nobody liked him.




Uh.. yeah? What kind of stupid-arse question is that?

"IF I HAVE MEMORIES OF IT DOES THAT MEAN IT'S A THING?"




AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA




Oh, Seifer was there too? How very convenient.




Wow, that makes her super-alienated then, huh?

Awesome!




Another oh-so convenient revelation.

Jesus, at this rate it's going to turn out that Mean Guy from the prison was Zell's abusive father or some shit.




Are we finally going to discuss this?

Two freakin' discs into the game?!




She wants to erase Zell from existence?




No. Freaking. Shit.

I'm still going with the Zell theory.




This whole revelation segment is hard enough as it is, Zell. We're not part of any 'gang', or 'group', or 'posse', or whatever you want to think that'll make you seem cool. Except for the one where you and Rinoa are perma-banned from my party.

I'd be more wanting to like the guy if he just stopped spewing stupid shit like this.




Another excellent point. So shut up, Zell.




Ah, good times..




Good thing that didn't mess him up or anything!




"Damn right you couldn't ;)"



"WAIT WHAT :("




"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"




Well, crap. Don't feel too bad, Squall. I'm sure that Xu chick digs ya.

What a sucky day this has been for him...




"So this is all her fault? OH FOR FUCKS SAKE RINOA YOU'VE FUCKED EVERYTHING UP GOD"




Wait, what?




HAWT

Didn't know Seifer swung that way. I guess it'd explain some things..




It's the million-dollar question, aint it?

Whatever reason it may be, it better be good!




Okay, Kinneas, let's see what you've got.



No, that's just stupid. You're stupid. Stop being stupid!



... So nobody bothered doing any tests on these almost god-like instruments of power to see if there were any conclusive side-effects? I guess part way through they forgot they were doing the test and toddled off or something.




Now here's the gaping flaw with your idea, Irvine.

It could make sense, but there's no way Cid would ever let us do something so dangero-

Wait.

WAIT.




CID KRAMER YOU GIGANTIC WANK-SANDWICH I WILL EAT YOUR HEART AND SHIT IT OUT SIDEWAYS




Well good for you!




"I'm not going back to Level Retarded just to remember you guys. Fuck that!"




"Dear Dairy~

2day i just did somethin that waz SOOOOOOO kewl~


im going to forget it 2morrow :(


y is this my life?


WOOOOHOOOO TRAINS!


~ <3 Sefie"




Oh, no, you seem to have misunderstood us. We'll be using the GFs, while you sit there and get squat.




Well, hey, what's one more incredibly unlikely coincidence going to hurt?




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN




No, not really. But I'm sure there will be some convoluted reason for it.




I'm starting to discern a trend in this game regarding that.




Allegedly.

I wouldn't put it past Dickmaster Cid to completely lie to us about that, though.




Despite 4/5 of the people here only vaguely remembering her about 4 seconds ago.




I actually kinda like the idea of a group of people, through various circumstances, being reunited years and years down the line and being asked to undergo one hell of a task that brings their childhood memories flooding back. That's pretty cool. What I don't like about all of this, however, is just how clumsy it is.

All of them completely forgot about their childhoods, never questioned any of it, and the one person who does remember just... never brought it up, despite having plenty of opportunities throughout the game to do so. And then a simple, "Hey? Remember [X]" question seems to make everyone instantly and clearly remember every single little detail.

So, yeah. Cool idea, terrible as all hell execution.




"Except for Rinoa, natch."




If that's the case, I say we do the exact opposite.




But it's not a MEGA-BUMMER, right?

Just trying to get a scale on how you currently feel, is all.




"Piss off."




Awesome! Looks like Rinoa isn't joining us then~!




HOLY STUPID ON A ZELL IT'S LIGHTLY SNOWING IN AN ALPINE REGION




... Sure?




It's make like an elephant's bollocks and hit the road!




Oh God, please don't tell me these two are going to have a Moment™.




Oh, thank you.




ROAD-TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-




Oh, shit.