Final Fantasy VIII - Part Fourteen

Posted on 11/22/2010 by Trambapoline

Well, here we are already~

Many thanks to friends and random passing-by silly people for all sorts of kind words and suggestions on what I should name/do in this game, as well as suggestions for a next Let's Play. Anywho, like on the last disc, I'll blurb out pointlessly about my thoughts and feelings on the game so far in the next entry.

As for now, let's get this shit rolling~

CHAERG!!!

"Edea's totally sunbathing on the front deck of Galbadia Garden!"

That's some piss-poor visual quality they've got going on there.

I think you should upgrade from VHS tapes, my friend.

I know it's Galbadia and all, but I think it's kind of hard to miss a gigantic flying fortress right in front of you.

Considering there's another two discs to go, Nidaran, I somehow doubt that.

You get to choose what Squall says for the pre-battle speech here. As you'd expect, I went the totally logical route~

The enemy being Zell, in this case.

Hell, in any case, really.

I think that was a bit shut your filthy face.

"Right, and causing Zell more annoyance is always necessary. What's your deal?"

Because you're already up here!

You are. You're cool. But why would I ask you up here if you apparently already were?

That's just silly, man. Didn't you hear the stirring and totally serious orders I just gave!

"Myself, Quistis, Selphie and Irvine will be Team #1, while Zell is on Team Goes and Investigates the Razor Sharp Ring Underneath Galbadia Garden With His Face"

What.

Whoever isn't gets to beat the shit out of that little sleepy-head.

OH NOEZ I CAN'T SELECT ZELL OR RINOA

I am weeping right now.

Uh... thanks for the bizarre warning, Squall?

What about the bimbo?

"She's not my goddamn problem."

Aw, shit's getting real!

GET BACK HERE ZELL I'LL TEACH YOU TO HAVE A FUCKING NAP DURING A CRISIS

Except for the part where I saw that you just arrived, you lying shit.

Oh, God, what now?

"Sure, man. All you have to do is throw yourself off Garden. I.. I'll give you the ring afterwards, okay?"

Trust you? You've done absolutely nothing throughout this game but cause more and more stress and awful situations for everyone involved. In fact, outside of grabbing weapons in the Prison (WHERE YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN HANDS WERE WEAPONS), have you actually done anything right?!

"Or you'll lose your lower horn. Capiche?"

Squall, what have you done?

"Wait... Rinoa?"

"YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT RINOA GIVE THAT BACK YOU LITTLE SHIT"

Well, congratulations, because you're doing neither.

Gee willikers, they sure can!

"HEY! I'm the commander here! Don't you go bossing me around!"

Oh, shut up, Zell.

It flies above, like some vast, predatory bird!

"Move closer, I want to hit them with my sword!"

IT BEGINS

Huh. I wonder what they're going to do with those motorbik-

What the fuuuuuuuuuck?

IS THIS REALLY THE TIME FOR THIS?

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Even Selphie agrees. Move your worthless arses!

Rinoa, Zell... move, or something really terrible will happen to yo-

WHAT DID I JUST FUCKING TELL YOU?

HAHAHAHAHA

DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP DROP

Excellent.

No, Selphie, we really don't.

"Hot, damn. Awesome!"

"Spiff-o. I'll get the party started in a moment. But for now? Kinda busy, guys!"

"YES I HEARD YOU LOOK I'LL OPEN THE CHAMPAIGN LATER BUT FOR NOW FUCK OFF"

"Yes, I realize that! I've got party-pies and everything ready for such an occasion, but do you guys not see the GIGANTIC FORTRESS THAT'S RAMMING INTO US?! That's kind of a big deal!"

This'll end with either Zell failing to grab Rinoa, so she falls to her death, or Zell screwing up and killing them both.

It's Win/Win!

Right, better head back up and see what's happening.

WHY DO THEY GET MECH-SUITS?!

I ask again, is it too late to defect?

"damn it you guys they can't see me standing up here move in closer!!"

Possibly, but what do you want from us? To leap onto their Garden from here?

Figure that out your damn self, if you're so smart.

Kinky.

"Right, Selphie, we're going to need some chocolates and shiny things. Irvine? Grab your Barry White albums!"

Did Zell actually do something right and let her die?

Shit, maybe I was too harsh on him.

Hey, he's actually pretty alright!

As he should have. Don't ruin the moment, Irvine.

Oh, shush.

SHUT UP, ZELL

If you all love her so damn much, you go frigging do it then!

YOU'RE WEARING GLOVES, MORON

No argument here, Squall...

Must be the gun and one bullet he always keeps around just in case something like this ever popped up.

What about the women? Sexist!

"Everyone always does, baby!"

Well that was a simple speech. Bravo!

"And I especially don't want anyone trying to rescue that wench hanging off of Garden, or I swear to God I will shoot you."

"I give the orders around here, woman!"

MR. WORF, INITIATE RAMMING SPEED
DEFLECTOR SHIELDS AT 80%
TECHNO-BABBLE AT 90%
ERROR-RATIO SET AT A STEADY 0%

"FOR HOGWARRRRRTS!"

Shut up, Zell.

On the way to.. ugh, Rinoa, Squall finds a small child that will hopefully serve as a way to waste time.

OW WHAT THE FU-OW

WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

And here begins a 'delightful' little mini-game, where you have to kick the Galbadian Soldier off his flying machine before he does the same to you. The controls and the animation lag occasionally, so this is more a game of luck then anything else. Really, you can just hammer down Circle and get away okay.

So long story less long, I punch the stupid bastard off his stupid machine.

"Yeah, I'm looking pretty badass right about no-"

"NO NO NO NO TURN TURN TURN HOW DO YOU CONTROL THIS THING?!"

"AH CRAP"

Squall and Rinoa inadvertently drop off in a pretty spiffy FMV.

Slut!

Squall tells it like it is.

Can anybody afford to die? I figured that was something most people tried to actively avoid.

Oh, right, the ring. Yeah, hand that shit over!

Of course he did.

So we almost lost the ring because of Zell. Add that to the list of things he has, or nearly did, screw up royally.

Join the club.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

"Why, yes, this L I O N has a name, you B I T C H"

This may not make sense right now, but just you wait! In 2 discs time... Hah!

"And try not to screw everything up, like you always do."

UGH.

Fine, whatever. I have to learn to stop trying to argue with this game...

Thanks a friggin' lot, brain-trust.

"The sorceress is possibly somewhere"... You know, if your outfit and Limit Break weren't so amusingly cool, I'd banish you to the Zell/Rinoa perma-banned party right now. Shush.

Considering what we'll learn in Disc 3, this line is rather amusing in hindsight.

"We chose to do this! We have no choice! As long as we don't stop to think of any alternatives."

Is it possible to perma-ban what's essentially meant to be myself from my own party?

No, the players are as well.

Oh snap, is it time to give out another ass-whoopin'?

LISTENING.

Is it me, or does it seem like even the characters now are getting confused and want to abandon ship?

I know.

Most of Galbadia Garden is just a dungeon now, where you have to find the right Key Card to go through the right door to each Edea and Seifer and whatever. However, if you don't have Enc-None on during this room, you will fight the most retarded enemies in the entire game.

Zombie Hockey Players!

Seriously.

Also, the banner on the side says, "keep on rockin' in galbadia!!"

Hey, don't look at me!

ARGH MY LEGS

And in the courtyard, in what's supposed to be a 'secret battle', even though the NPC is clearly and largely visible, is..

KITTY!

Squall clearly has no objections to stealing. Just like most RPG leads.

I was gonna name him FLUFFY, but this way I get both a Final Fantasy VII reference and a Transformers one.

hurrr i m so clevar

SEIFER! YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW LITTLE...

Wait.

'cuse me a sec'. Sorry. Ahhhh, much better.

Now where were we?

Oh, so now Seifer has conveniently remembered everything. Or he always has and also didn't mention it at all at any possible point.

So stupid...

"Specifically a Geezard, as you're both little bitches that go down in one hit O SNAPZ"

No, Squall. You ARE the monsters!!!

And then Squall was a monster.

Yet another line that doesn't make any sense.

This is Seifer's strongest attack. He just spins around like a ponce and does barely any damage.

I think Squall can top that. Let's find out~!

Yeah, I think he has you beat there, you little dick-schnitzel.

Even your boss agrees. You suck!

"I'm melting. Meeeeeeltiiiiing~! Oh, what a world!"

Uh... thanks, Bizarre Text God?

One short and entirely pointless run later!

Why would you--?!

... Fine, whatever. Sit in the corner, shut up, and don't ruin any of this for the actually competent and cool people.

"OW JESUS SHIT MY FUCKING FACE OW WHY WOULD I DO THIS?!"

That's what everybody's been saying, for some reason.

Honestly, right now I can totally see Cid sitting outside on the beach with some popcorn, grinning like an idiot.

NO U

What the?! How did Seifer get here so fast, when he was a crumpled heap on the floor above?

Oh well...

Hey, Seifer?

Piss off.

Now it's Edea's turn!

She carries a GF, and uses a Gravity-based move at the very start that does %-Damage and puts Curse on everyone, possibly stopping party members from using Limit Breaks. I can't remember if she did anything else nasty from previous playthroughs, because in this one...

*FWOOOOSH*

MASTODON!

For some reason, Edea starts spraying out copious amounts of perfume.

And Rinoa goes into her zombie-walk again.

Wait... she isn't going to... is she?

YOU SEE RINOA? THIS IS WHY I NEVER BRING YOU BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THIS

Edea has apparently come back to her senses as well.

Also, um.. awkward. I guess you've protected Ellone. As long as by 'protect' you mean 'hunted like a dog while bringing chaos and ruin to the world and everyone around you'. That... That's probably what you meant.