Final Fantasy VIII - Part Fifteen

Posted on 11/23/2010 by Trambapoline

I was originally planning to post up my first little run of Legend of Dragoon tonight, but I just felt the urge to play s'more Final Fantasy VIII. And I'm not entirely sure how much time I'm gonna have soon, so best to complete this before tackling other stuffs~

Y'know, for all the shit I give VIII, it's a quality title. Just.. not when it comes to the main storyline. Disc 2 had some of coolest and most stupid moments in the the entire game. We got the awesome, though completely out-of-nowhere Balamb Garden scene, and the horrors of the Prison sequence. The orphanage scene was just a completely unnecessary pile of confusion and annoyance that just wanted to try and throw some backstory to the mostly underdeveloped cast before the game hit Disc 3, where it becomes all about Squall and Rinoa.

Which is right now.

God help us.

I doubt that, Squall. What with us just hitting Disc 3 and everything.

Always an excellent question in this game.

More importantly, who honestly gives a shit?

Yup. She's definitely dead. No need to hang around and be melodramatic or anything. Let's be on our way!

Indeed I can, most likable character in the game right now.

Anything to get away from here.

Well, no shit. And here I thought you wanted me to go there so I could piss on the roses.

THERE YOU ARE AGAIN YOU LITTLE SHI-

...

I finally catch him, after lord knows how many playthroughs, and all he says is a vaguely erotic remark?

Well, this disc is off to a flying start.

Let's go searching for that rare and mystical entity I hear is referred to as... the plot!

ROAD TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-

Oh. Well that was fast.

How in the world did you two get down here so fast?

CID! YOU SON OF A.... PUT YOUR GODDAMN DUKES UP, BITCH

HAHAHAHAIWILLHURTYOU

Good.

Now, I have some lovely jars with me over here. Which one do you want all your teeth to be put in?

As long as she doesn't throw anymore icicles through anyone's torso again, she's cool.

I already said I did!

I'm guessing you haven't seen how many times I've fled from random encounters then?

";)"

I know it isn't. We already discussed this!

This is as bad as VII's first disc, where everyone was going "OMG THE END" when President Shinra was discovered dead. The game came with multiple discs, so trying to fake us out doesn't work!

"Burst out into soooooooooooooooooong~"

So much for that 'Edea chose to become our enemy' thing, eh, Squall?

Whoopsie-daisy!

And there we go!

After two discs of pissing about, we've finally seen our first hint of the supposed actual storyline for this game!

J.J Abrams would be proud.

"Well, then we can't do anything to her. That sucks. Oh well, shit happens. Kegger, anyone?"

Ya don't say.

And here I thought this whole tyranny and oppression thing she's been doing was to fill the world with bunnies and unicorn farts.

Again, no shit.

Did I enter a State of Obvious contest or something?

No, but I'm used to this game pulling characters and plot-points out of its arse by now.

Good. She can stay missing.

By which I mean I putting $10 on either Rinoa or Zell fucking things up and bringing Adel back.

"They're kinda stupid like that, if you hadn't noticed."

Cool beans.

As opposed to any sorceress ever?

OMG ADEL+ULTIMECIA >>>> SSj3 GOKU AND SUPAMAN!!!!!1!!

Is dead. I know, I know, I can't wait to celebrate either, but the plot has finally fucking arrived!

By 'with us', he means 'sitting in the corner like a retarded dog while everyone else did all the work'.

Yup, she's dead. HOORAY!

Awesome, isn't it?!

Oh, shut up, Squall.

Hey, I aint complaining.

Everyone except Rinoa, yes.

WE KNOW IT IS. STOP TELLING US SHIT WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED.

Yay. Now I get to put up with different conversations!

Squall's being a complete wanker, and everyone else is having a Stupid-Off.

There we go. The two words that will cause an absolute shitstorm of confusion and plot-holes soon enough.

Whoever would've thought that Time Compression would compress time?! UNFATHOMABLE.

Oh, this entry just gets worse and worse...

She's got me there. I'm really not.

Piece o' cake!

Um... suddenly! On.. the bridge!

STOP. TELLING. US. THIS.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, thanks to some clunky writing, I know where I... *sigh*... have to go next.

This is another thing. With the exception of the Ellone-finding bit, you really could have ended VIII right at the end of Disc 2. Seifer was defeated, the Sorceress was defeated, everyone was reunited and remembered their growing up together as children. Would've worked well for a 20 hour-ish RPG.

But, no, we have to keep going now.

That's because she's dead!

I HOPE SO

Annoying, obnoxious, shrill life.

No more than 2 hours ago you were saying you didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about you two, and were constantly telling her to piss off elsewhere. What the hell?

So it's a significant improvement over talking to Rinoa, then?

And then Squall passes out from Wangst Overload. Yay!

And we're back with Laguna. Double yay!

"Always with the hookers and blow, weren't you?!"

I'm not cut out to put up with Squall right now, but I still do it.

Uhhh, what sort of movie are we doing again?

UHHHHHHHHHHHH....

DON'T WANT TO KNOW. DON'T WANT TO KNOW. DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

Fun Fact: This film that Laguna makes eventually inspires Seifer on that fucking stupid Sorceress Knight 'romantic dream' of his. His battle poses are the same as what Laguna does here.

The More You Know~

Eh, still more convincing then most of the acting in the Star Wars prequels.

"(I forgot how stupid and nonfunctional it is!)"

SINCE WHEN WAS KIROS TWO STORIES TALL?!

Uh-oh! I smell wacky hijinks~!

Well nuts to you too!

And here begins another mini-game, like the stupid one against that Galbadian Soldier in the last entry. Also like that one, the controls and animation tend to be a bit laggy sometimes, but overall it's easier than the last one.

CHEESE IT!

UH-OH SPAGHETTIOS

This is the first (and only, if you avoid the side-quest stuff) encounter with a Ruby Dragon. Like the Oilboyles, a lot of people swear up and down that this can be one of the hardest boss-like fights in the game. I'm pretty much at Level HAX right now, though, so I had no problem just hitting Attack until it died.

It does have an arse-load of HP, however.

WHATEVER COULD IT BE?

Pull the ethernet cable out then, stupid.

Hey, as long as it keeps him away from Rinoa, you can do whatever the hell you want to his spirit.

"Apparently I need some 'passport' and 'clearance' shit or something. Pfft!"

Shut. Up. Squall.

;_;

Two guesses as to who the baby is.

I'll give you a hint. It starts with an S and may contain letters that, when put together, form the word SQUALL.

But you didn't even buy me dinner yet!

Squall, waking up from a nap and screaming at the roof will achieve nothing.

I THINK I KNOW WHERE TO GO NEXT HURRRR

Also, 'White SeeD' sounds completely disgusting.

It'd be kinda sucky for us if, just after Edea said this, they went "You know what? Fuck Centra! Let's go check out the Trabia coastline for a bit, broheims."

But they didn't so it's all good.

Right. Let's go find that White SeeD Ship!

No. Not here...

Or here...

Negatory.

Grrrrrrrr!

Oh, c'mon! It can't be that hard to find, surely?

WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!

Oh, wait. There it is.

Hooray!

Indeed we do, Admiral Can't-Park-a-Fucking-Ship-To-Save-His-Life.

Huh.

Well, so much for that then!

HAHAHAHA I'M STICKING AROUND ANYWAY DICKMUFFIN

Oh, Christ. Not you two, of all people!

"Funny story, actually!"

Well, well, look who finally found some balls. Good for him!

Yeah, she's not dead! She's just lying down. Cold. Not moving at all. With no possible known way to wake her up. Or if she'll suffer any major brain or organ failures when/if she does, if she doesn't have them already.

But other than that, yeah, things are cool!

... How would that even work?

Ellone can only go 'back in time' to view the past, really. It's been said many times that she, or anyone she's using, can't directly change the events. Because, you know, they've already happened. I know you're all over the OMGRINOA<3<3 wanktrain right now, Squall, but that doesn't excuse retarded thinking like this.

"What? This old thing? Yeah, I've been carrying it around with me as we took part in a plan to assassinate the sorceress. Also, when I was being horribly tortured in prison. And when I had to take part in making Balamb Garden fly to avoid incoming missiles, and lastly also when I lead the final charge against Edea and the Balamb and Galbadia Gardens were in a epic clash.

Yup, never let go of the ol' porno!"

If you give up the magazine for free, you get a [Rename Card], as well as...

This~!

"Indeed! Absolutely no way we could have forged this or anything~"

I just saved you about 10 minutes by skipping a cutscene full of pointless wankery about how OMG ALL SeeDS ARE THE SAME and how ELLONE IS SPECIAL. Two things we already knew about ages ago, but the game seems to currently believe that repeating already acquired plot-points and information is just as good as any ol' form of storytelling and progression.

This boat sucks.

Ellone was on the boat, then leapt onto an Esthar one. The End.

Or, as Nidaran would put it...

Because every other nation and organization in this game so far has been so damn welcoming!

"Yeah, I don't give a shit. TO ESTHAR!!1!"

Of course, given the way the above scene played, you'd be forgiven for thinking you were actually meant to head to, you know, Esthar. But nope, instead you have to crash into Fisherman's Horizon again.

I can only imagine the look on the Mayor's face as we come charging in again!

Why?

Good. Drop the bitch and go back to being a semi-likable lead character.

I beg you!

Please don't dash my hopes like that, Squall.

Well how long did you expect a bridge spanning the world' largest ocean to be?

Such an excellent question....

That's what I've been saying! Gah!

Yup. You sure have.

In fact, one might say that you've done a complete 180 switch in the past hour of gameplay, because the writers couldn't be bothered with any of that pesky 'character development' nonsense, so they threw a semi-sappy scene at the player in hopes that they'd ignore the glaring flaws and the sound of the Disc 3+4 writers horribly murdering the old crew and throwing their torsos into the trunk of a nearby Volvo.

No! Squall! Don't do it!

Throw her in first, then yourself! Sheesh!

If they're anything like me, they're probably doing a bit of both.

Yes. Talking to possibly-dead women you've dragged onto a bridge in the middle of nowhere is perfectly sane!

That's it, Squall! Run! Run while there's still time!

You can do it! Run, man, run! You ca-

OH GOD DAMN IT

What... the?

How the hell did they get here so damn fast? Let alone before Squall did!

I just got a mental image of Squall dragging Rinoa across the bridge, being so frightened that everyone will be mad that he abandoned them while everyone was already hiding behind a pole further up the tracks, snickering and making jokes.