Final Fantasy VIII - Part Sixteen

Posted on 11/24/2010 by Trambapoline

Disc 3 chugs on merrily, and... well, we're actually nearing the end of this wacky Let's Play. Disc 1 & 2 take up an awful lot more total time than 3 & 4. To the point where I honestly don't know why the certain Disc 4 area wasn't just thrown onto the end of 3.

Maybe they were going for a 'omg 1 moar disc than VII zogm!!' thing or whatever. Oh well.

Onwards! Hopefully the plot will be super-nice and show its precious little face again.

Hey, how about we walk more than five feet in any given direction before becoming disappointed, hmm?

And if not we'll just chuck Zell in your general direction and leg it!

Nononononono, Sel', you're confused. I said we'll have a picnic and a fun time if we don't bring Rinoa back.

And for some reason the game asks me to form a party, despite only two minutes passing since the last time.

.... Odd.

Well, this place seems super friendly!

And just teeming with life!

Well, in fairness, it does have...

... this jerk!

Hello, jerk! Prepare yourself to DIE!

We're... what, 20 hours into the game? And the dang thing still insists on directly telling us how to defeat the monsters.

Well, just to spite the game, I don't cast use recovery attacks at all, and opt for beating the unliving shit out of it!

Another one bites the dust~

Fan-fucking-tastic. A dead end.

Oh well, guess we can't save Rinoa. What a MEGA-BUMMER! Ah well, fuck her, let's head hom-

What the deuce?!

Okay... Apparently there's a giant tunnel hanging in the sky that leads into an invisible facility.

As tends to happen these days?

Boring and confusing!

Not unlike the entirety of this disc so far.

Okay, Squall, use your brain for this one!

You're on a GIANT, FUTURISTIC MAN-MADE PLATFORM. You are in the vicinity of where the city of ESTHAR is believed to be. ESTHAR is well-known for its HIGH TECHNOLOGY. What do you think the possible chances of being close to Esthar now are?

I'd say 100/100.

Ah, I see Esthar has employed that state-of-the-art Invisible Barrier That Works Brilliantly Until Some Random Arsehole Comes Too Close and the Entire City Reveals Itself technology.

Of course!

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

"GWASH I WONDER IF WE'RE CLOSE TO ESTHAR NOW???"

What's your basis for this, Squall?

I mean he's correct, but still...

What are you talking about? Every other nation we've introduced ourselves to has been so polite and welcoming!

In an entirely unrelated question, do missiles count as a house-warming gift?

YAY! You know what this means~

More Laguna hijinks~

And this time he seems to have become an Esthar slave. Oh, Laguna, you're such a crazy card!

Laguna's never done anything stupid. He's totally legit to trust.

I need an adult?

"Hey, you're a semi-decent fella'. You're perfect for taking control of the world's most advanced society and bringing it back to stability once we seize control of it from an nigh-immortal sorceress!"

I can't possibly imagine why.

Yeah, I'm just going to say that that plan is amazingly stupid and you're also ugly and fat.

After the above strange conversation, an Esthar soldier comes in and tries to start a fight.

He immediately regrets this decision.

HASSAAAAAN CHOP!!

"You are just in time to miss the battle! Also, why am I suddenly being followed by a homicidal Norse god?!"

Great, now both Squall and Laguna are saying this.

Is is possible for a character to become a Mary Sue, despite only having 3 minutes of total screentime?

... We have to go back inside, don't we?

STOP WITH THE LEADER THING OKAY YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN THE GUY FOR 34 SECONDS

Man, I never thought I'd see a more poorly-run and retarded organization than the Forest Owls, but... here we are!

"VHERE ARE ZE MOOSE AND SQUIRREL?"

Yeah, that explains Ellone's location perfectly!

God, Zell would so fit in with this merry band of stupid shit-beacons.

My thoughts and feelings on 90% of this game's main storyline in a nutshell.

But Laguna is super-kewl with directions and managed to find the place anyway!

Awwwwwwww~

Well, I hope you enjoyed 'em, because that's the last Laguna sequence in the game... ; ;

"I was, until I woke up again!"

Please be the plot, please be the plot, please be the plot...

Well Squall certainly doesn't waste any time.

Translation: "Shut up, you overdramatic, wangsty bitch."

Is it me, or do the buildings in the background look like Potions from the Pokemon games?

Can the game focus on this instead?

Because it seems a million times more interesting then any of that stupid Rinoa/Ellone bullcrap.

I bet you can't talk without a ridiculous accent!

Oh, for fuck's sake, Squall, just grab a tissue, pull up your frilly panties and shut the hell up already.

You're making Zell seem tolerable. ZELL.

Well she's pretty cute, so why the hell not?

So.. we get to progress with the plot, and you'll take Rinoa off our hands? Hot damn, I'm liking this place already!

You don't have to tell me twice!

Okay! So where is that, exactly?

Hello?

Anything?

No?

Well, okay then...

Just outside the room there's a picture of Winhill

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMZ

Uh... howdy?

Damn, that sound pretty darn handy, actually.

I'd totally buy one!

Esthar: The Town Where Nobody Makes Any Sense!

Huh. So I guess that's why they always looked really advanced and spiffy.

Still doesn't explain the whole stupid spontaneously flying thing, however.

Hey, do you think this 'Lunar Cry' thing will bring down NPCs that have some remote semblance of sanity?

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE IN THIS TOWN KNOW HOW TO USE THEIR WORDS PROPERLY?!

Dear various and spicy-hot lords, this place is gigantic!

It's pretty goddamn awesome, actually.

Might be one of my favorite fictional locations of all time. It's so very, very shiny.

You're telling me!

But you can only carry 100 at a time.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX

"Oh, it was at this relatively new place called 'Nomura's'. It's pretty chill, though apparently you can't leave the premises without purchasing at least three different kinds of belts and/or zippers. Good bulk-package deals, though!"

Huh. I always wondered what he did after VII. Good to see him making a name for himself~

Heheheheheheheheheeheheheh.

Man, this place just goes on for miles...

And I'm definitely not complaining.

Aw yeah!

ROAD TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP~!

Dear God, could this city possibly get any larger?!

So, uh... why are we heading over here anyway? Is this where Ellone is?

The man never specified anything.

Thank you, grammatically incorrect guard!

Yeah, the guy outside was saying something about that.. What's going on, exactly?

Wait.. how the hell did Rinoa's mutt manage to get this far?!

So.. it followed us well after when we left, crossed the bridge, then the horrific salt-plains outside the city, then climbed up the ladder into the tunnel, ran for miles across the city, all the way across the World Map and honed in on this exact building?

Who's a clever doggy? You are! Yesh you are~! Good boy!

Are you coming on to me?

Ahhh, in-flight naps. Always a great way to pass the time.

An excellent question!

Thanks a lot, wankwipe, that explained nothing!

LISTEN TO THE SOUNDS THAT'RE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.

GODDAMN IT LISTEN TO M-... Wait, Girl in blue..

Ah, fuck, I have to put up with Rinoa, don't I?

Apparently I'll be miles and miles away, so I don't give a toss anymore. Do whatever you want!

So... Zell wants me to leave him essentially alone in close proximity to someone who may become possessed and super-powerful again, then spin around and suddenly kill everyone within the immediate radius?

Hell, I'd be ashamed at myself if I didn't take this offer up!

Though other regrets instantly come to mind again.

Hahahaha, oh Zell~! Trust me, that will never be an issue!

"What do you mea-- Oh, shit, my fly! Thanks, Kinneas. You're a lifesaver!"

"If I come back and Zell isn't either dead or severely bruised and broken, you lot and I will be having words. We out!"

Well, this is an odd... plane?

I... I wonder what it doe-

AHHHHH MY EYES SHIT WHAT'S HAPPENING

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"

Thanks a lot, Zell. Now you've friggin' jinxed it!

Whatever bad things may happen for the remainder of this disc are now entirely Chicken Wuss' stupid fault.

Well I wasn't about to spend the rest of my 40 hours standing in here with a thumb up my arse, now was I?

MEANWHILE, OVER ESTHAR

Someone tries to very poorly rip off Independence Day as part of a Year 12 graduation prank gone horribly wrong.

"BTW GUYS I'M TOTALLY NOT COMPENSATING FOR ANYTHING IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING"

Well it's definitely not your dick then.

Well why don't you look then, dumbfuck? It's not exactly hard to miss a city like Esthar!

Right, let's go see what this new wacky development is all about~!

"The plot demanded it, sir. It said that if someone didn't kick-start this shit sooner of later it'd do it itself."

Huh. And I thought they'd be lost and disorientated by losing their leader and, I imagine, being controlled by Seifer. A man who couldn't even pass the easy-as-piss SeeD test, despite trying for multiple years!

Galbadian's bosses must've put up a shit-load of motivational posters that day.

A giant, mobile plot-device.

I... never said I wanted to stop anything, but except for Irvine I don't care if these jerks live or die, so fuck it, let's do this!

BUT IT'S ALREADY PASSED OVER THE CITY! WE JUST SAW IT DO THAT

Maybe it passed over once, got really paranoid that nobody saw it, so it's doing a second pass now to yell out, "Oh! Oh! Did you see my last performance? Pretty professional, huh? Yeah, I'm so modest, tee-hee!"

The gist of this whole thing is that a giant black thing called the Lunatic Pandora is passing over Esthar, so you have to run to the correct screen at the correct time to leap on board. Unless you haven't explored a single bit of the city, or are otherwise death, blind and stupid, it's impossible to fuck this up.

And trust me, if I can't fuck it up, then it means it's basically foolproof.

All the monsters come from the moon? How the fuck do they get up there? Did they all go on a giant holiday, and one of the Geezards in charge of everything end up going, "Shit! You know what? I left my wallet back on the planet! Talk about awwwwwkwaaaaard~"?

I can't say I did, since I only heard of this silly thing about... 12 seconds ago.

Neither does anything ever in this game.

Right, let's go board us a plot-device. YEE-HAW!

See? Told you it was impossible to screw up!

Time to begin, quite possibly, the most pointless sequence in this game!

Running~!

... What the fuck is that thing?

Whatever it is, I like it!

DEE-DEE! GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!

So we went through that stint of playing as Zell (ugh), running back to Esthar, discussing how to board Lunatic Pandora, waiting for the stupid thing to finally show up... and then we get instantly booted out the moment we step on-board.

Yeah, that wasn't pointless or obnoxious at all!