Working as Intended

It is just me, or is Disc 3 of Final Fantasy VIII ridiculously fast-paced? In the same amount of playtime it took me to just finish Dollet on Disc 1, or the Missile Base on Disc 2 we've been traveling the world multiple times, stumbled across Esthar, promptly left Esthar, and then got shot into space.

I like the increased storytelling speed, but events are going by so damn fast that I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly is meant to be a big deal or not. Which is why my last entry was more me just.. well, commenting on shit, rather than doing the usual half-baked jokes.

That said, I'll refrain from complete judgement until Disc 3 draws to a close~











Meanwhile, IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!




"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"




Isn't that the usual procedure? Or do they just go by a system of only stopping capsules flinging off into deep space whenever they can be bothered?




"OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw!"




Well, this is the Esthar Space Station! Neat, isn't it?

Also, what the fuck are we doing up here?




Oh, that's nothing. You should see the mozzies around here this time of year!




"Dear Random Guy at the Space Station~

OMG HI :)

did u get teh flowers I sent u????????
i pcked tem myself yesterday i almst got stang by a bee LOL
ps y havnt u invited me on fcebook?!?!?!?!?!?! :(
<3 


Esthar Ambassador (mo liek AmBADASSdor m i right ROFLMAO u can use tat joke if u want ;) )"




Wow, random guy might be a closest necrophile.

... Didn't really want to know that.




PIGGYBACK TIME!




Is it the airlock?

Please say it's the airlock.




Hah! I like this guy. He has the right level of snark.




THAT'S NO MOON!




You know, you'd think an event like, "Giant Swarm of Monsters Periodically Drops From the Moon and Destroys Civilizations" would warrant a bit more discussion and awareness amongst the population, and not just be considered some cutesy little information tidbit only random NPCs giggle about.




Dude? D... Don't try and 'science' it up. When you say monsters live on the moon and then fly through space to land on the planet, no amount of scientific-sounding vomit will manage to make it sound plausible.




OH NO IT'S... SOMETHING?




You know what? I can honestly say I did not.

How come we didn't learn about that, Quistis? Seemed like it could be useful information, HMMMMMMMM




Why not just throw her into the Sun?

Or, here's a crazy idea, just shoot her in the head! Sealing up a villain or otherwise powerful being has never worked out properly. In fact, many times it would have just been easier to not bother fighting against the person anyway, as once they break out of any seal they seem to be a dozen times more powerful than before.




Well ho-lee crap! They actually explain the whole 'interference' subplot from the Dollet/Radio Tower thing.

Granted it's two discs after anyone gave a toss, but, hey! I like it when shit is actually explained, and.. it kinda makes sense. They need powerful jamming waves to stop Adel being able to Junction and stuff, as well as possibly communicate with the outside world, so the jammer would have to be pretty freakin' powerful. And Esthar was already heavily isolated from the world at this point, so the other nations wouldn't have a clue what was going on.

Bravo for some neat-ish writing there!




Well, why not? We've only spent the last disc or so trying to find the poor woman, and she apparently played a huge part in almost everyone's childhood, so let's go have a nice chat about everythin-




YES YOU DO SQUALL YOU FRIGGIN DICKSHIT

Sorry to go on a second rant so soon (even though I said at the start it wouldn't be all stupid jokes, but whatev's) but this is what bugs me about the characterization in VIII. Squall and Rinoa seem to be on a strange see-saw of tolerance for me. When Rinoa is acting like a, well, bitch, Squall is actually a pretty decent character. However, when Rinoa starts to mellow put/be dead as the game goes on, Squall becomes more and more unlikable and frustrating to watch.

Get used to shit like this, because pretty much every single line Squall utters in Disc 3&4 is about Rinoa. And while I rag on Rinoa so much in these things, this isn't her fault. The fault is with whoever thought Squall doing a complete 180 snap in personality within 1-2 hours was a great idea. It's like they have to have Squall talk about nothing but Rinoa to try and convince the players that this is a legit piece of character development, when it really, really isn't.




Oh, don't feel bad, Ellone. The Laguna bits are the best parts of the story!

If anything, you should've done them more often!




Awww <3




"So, person who has control over mystical powers beyond my comprehension, there's now way to do X?


Well, okay then. Wait, no. I don't believe that for a second anymore!"




Consider yourself lucky.




AKA: Airlock.




For a Red Alert status, and all the flashing lights and alarms, everyone seems surprisingly casual about it all.




No, Borris from reception. He was in an unfortunate alpaca-biting incident the other day involving his...

W.. We don't really talk about it anymore.




Oh shit. Here comes the crazy zombie lady again...




The plot. It's getting sick of all your fucking about and has decided to take matters into its own hands, damn it!




No, she's just walking around in a trance and zapping people clear across the hallway because it's good cardio practice!




"They seem to be spelling something out! 'FOR'... 'A'... 'GOOD'.... 'TIME'.... 'CALL....'"




That looks more like a puss wound then an eye. Gross!




CRY MOAR MOON Q_____Q




Huh. Well it looks as if the monsters have immediately exploded into meat-chunks. Convenient!

Esthar's totally going to have the most bitchin' barbeque on the planet now~!




NUH-UH!




"Hooray! I'm an astronaut!"




Destroyer of Time and Space. Most Powerful Sorceress of All. Mrs Not-Appearing-in-98%-of-This-Game.



Hurray for wasting my time!




Man, I wish I had Ellone's level on composure and only managed to squeak out a 'Gosh!' when someone is about to die horribly and monsters are falling by the country-load from the moon.

If I were there, all you'd hear is, "WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT THE SWEET SHITTING METHUSELAH  DONKEY PUNCHING CHRIST IS HAPPENING TO THE FUCKING MOON?!"

T... This is probably why I'm not an astronaut.




It's a good thing we brought the mysteriously possessed woman up into space to be in close proximity to the sealed away and incredibly powerful sorceress. Yup. This was the best idea ever!

Why didn't Ellone just come down to Esthar instead? Would've have been a lot safer.




The bitch is back!




WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~




This is what they'd probably classify as a 'bad thing'.




"HEY ESTHAR! BEHOLD THE GLOWING GLORY THAT IS SEIFER'S ATTEMPT TO HIDE HIS WEDDING VEGETABLE SIZE!"




Please stop murdering poor Mr. Punctuation like that, Squall.




Could you go back to not feeling this way?




Flashback time!




Except we've gone a bit too far back. Whoopsie!




Hah! I could easily see him doing that, actually.




FOR GOD'S SAKE RINOA KEEP YOUR HORMONES IN CHECK FOR FIVE MINUTES!




It wasn't bought, you poor mortal. It was forged with ancient diamond and adamantine from the darkest depths of Mount Apocalypse itself! Seven thousand drawven slaves were killed just to create this one ring, and it has the power to sing the song that ends the world, should it ever become displeased. Despair, you foolish creature, for the end times draw near due of your hubris! And once you find yourself in the world beyond, all shall be subjected to pain and suffering the likes of which your brain can't possibly comprehend!

Or he bought it from the Garden co-op store. Either way.




Typical that these two would be the ones who don't know what a  L I O N  is.

Though, in fairness, does the VIII world even have lions? Would they be considered mythical creatures, or are they just really rare, due to all the behemoths, malboros and Ward stomping around eating everything?




"Fuck you. You'll take what I give you and like it!"




Ah, here we go! 3/4 through the game's story and we finally get a glimpse of the villain.

For 0.3 seconds.




"Uh, Ulty? Baby? Ummmm, where abouts in the ocean? In case you haven't noticed, the ocean is kind of a big place, so some specifics would be just super!"




Oh, gag.



YAY!




Okay, I have to say that this is actually a rather sad scene, despite my overall dislike of the character so far. I don't know, it might be the super-depressing music they're playing in the background, or the fact that this'd be one of the most loneliest ways to go out, but.. yeah.




Toodles~!




Yeah, that seems like the sensible thing to do!




You make this sound like a bad thing.




There's no part of this I don't like.




Yay, time for another stupid mini-game!

This time you have to very slowly move across the screen and try to catch Rinoa as she starts drifting towards you.

It's worth failing at least once, so you get this message.




HOORAY!




Actually, how does this sequence even work? When Adel was awakened, Rinoa was rapidly shot out away from the space station and everyone else, yet here she's apparently coming back towards them, unless the escape capsule everyone was in was fired away from the planet and overtook Rinoa already.

The only way for this scenario to really happen would be that Rinoa managed to come to a complete stop in space, spin herself around, and then found a means to propel herself in that direction. All of which are impossible for someone in a spacesuit, especially given the velocity at which Rinoa was shot off at.

But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Let's get a second opinion, shall we?




SPACE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!




"This calls for some surprise buttsex~!"




Neither can I, honestly...




No. But that's what happens when you get fired off into deep space. It's such a disturbingly large and empty place that the chances of you coming into contact with a possible means of survival are so low that you probably have a better chance of being struck by lightning out there, somehow.

Oh well, shit sucks. Nothing to do now but wait to di-



WHAT.




np




Unless it's a Melvin kind of 'hug', I don't think there's any reason to be so distant, Squall.




Dude, the heavens basically screwed over physics and chance of probability to give you both Rinoa and a GIGANTIC FRIGGIN' SPACESHIP. I think it's safe to say at this point that everything's going to be just spiffy.




... Except for monsters.

T-Those can be a bit of a problem.




That is such a negative outlook, Rinoa! You shouldn't judge giant freaky space monsters that ate the entire crew of this spaceship based on looks alone! I hope you feel ashamed of yourself, missy. Maybe they just want to sit down with some tea and discuss badminton for a few hours. Did you ever think of that, huh? Huh!? 




Actually, no, you have to kill them all so you can reach the cockpit.

But there's a silly gimmick to doing this, as each Propagator has a twin of the exact same colour, which you have to kill directly after the first. For example, you have to kill both the purple ones before you kill, say, the red ones. If you kill one purple, and then one red, the original purple Propagator will respawn.

So unless you know exactly where each one is, you'll probably be repeating kills for a while.




Except for me. Apparently I'm awesome and Odin appeared and killed every single Propagator I encountered.




Wowzers!




No, just swing by F Deck and ask Gertrude to do it for you. He might only hold the position of janitor, but he apparently majored in Piloting Giant Dragon-like Spaceships That Drift Aimlessly Through Space.

... It was kind of a niche course.




Holy shit, it's alive?!




"Are you Autobot, or Decepticon?! Speak!"




No, it sadly never passed the first grade.




DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR




No, we're in Texas. The schools are shit, but the food is great!




"Apparently nobody aboard the Esthar Space Station ever fucking bothered to just look out the window and see the giant spaceship drifting aimlessly around the moon."




"If not... Eh, no big loss."




Oh shit! The guy's starting to speak in tongues. Rinoa, grab me some Holy Water and a Bible, stat!




"We accidentally plotted your course to take you into the Sun. Yeeeeeah.. um, our bad!"




"WHAT NOOOO THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I MEANT"




Fucking smooth, Squall.






"Hmmm? Oh, you mean, Quistis? No. Apparently that whole thing was just a 'sisterly' feeling or something. Pretty shitty, if you ask me!"




"Such as, how in the flying fruit of all fuckery did you even get aboard?!"




"Juarez, Floor-Sweeper Extraordinaire, and my sidekick, Leather-Shorts McGee"




Wait, what?




WHEN IN THE BUGGERY DID THIS HAPPEN?!

I'M NOT SAVING AN ICKY SORCERESS GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME




zomg rinoa = ultimecia!!!!

To the GameFAQs forums!




...

Goddamn it, game, stop making me actually feel sympathetic towards Rinoa! It's getting weird, actually starting to like the silly woman. Why does Squall have to be so unlikable and stupid right around the time that Rinoa starts becoming a decent person? I have to fucking play as Squall, so I want him to be the better one. Or, hell, make them both likable, perhaps?

I can't win. I should probably stop.




Who's what now?




kk




"... I'm actually a MAN."




Yes, we established this about five hours ago. Good memory for a parlour trick, though!




Well, so much for that Rinoa/Ultimecia thing.




"BEEP BEEP I AM A ROBOT BEEP WHERE IS MY MOTOR OIL BEEP"




Oh well, look on the plus side, Squall. You've got yourself a kickass spaceship!




Hotness!

Wait... huh?




This needs to be answered.




Thank you, that explained absolutely nothing.




"Uhhhh, yeeeeeah, about that...."

I've still gotta get over this whole 'liking Rinoa now' thing. It's gonna take some time. And despite Squall acting like an over-dramatic idiot for this disc, he's still pretty decent. Does this mean I like the entire cast n-






Oh, just die already...




A big one currently standing in this room.




WHOOPSIE-DAISY




"Really? Monsters? You don't say? You see, I never knew this, what with my being up in space, right next to the moon and therefor KNOWING ALL OF THIS ALREADY YOU DUMB SHIT"




Did the plot come down with it?




And forever.




... I can't believe I'm saying this, but sure. Why not?

I'VE BECOME EVERYTHING I EVER HATED




"DO YOU HAVE ANY MENIAL CHORES FOR ME TO DO BECAUSE I AM A ROBOT BEEP"




Or that.




When even Dickshit Master Zell here thinks you're an idiot, you know you've screwed up big time.




SPACESHIPS CAN'T FLY! WHAT IS THIS?!




Please. Like that'd ever happen!




Oh, you two. You so crazeh~!




It'd be kinda funny if they kicked down the doors and stormed the place, only to find out that Rinoa was actually in a completely different location.

But that aint the case this time, so let's make like a Cloud and mosey!




Aw yeah.




Onwards, to Esthar!