Working as Intended

Not much to really blab about up here, once again. The game is rapidly coming to a close, and the whole Squall/Rinoa 'romance' bit is now being sung from the proverbial rooftops. I do have to say though, about that.. when I first started playing VIII again (my last time before this being about.. 2-3 years ago, I'd wager) I swore that I'd be hating Rinoa in this section and backing up Squall. But now that I'm here, my opinion is almost the direct opposite.

I still don't hold any particular attachment to Rinoa, but her general personality is now a lot less bratty/bitchy, and she is becoming a legitimate character. Squall, I feel, as I've mentioned, is becoming worse and worse, to the point where he's obsessing over Rinoa. It feels like the second ol Rins went into a coma, the personalities of the two swapped!

Anyway, I'll blab on about Disc 3 when it wraps up. As for now, back to whatever this game likes to call action!









Right. Where were we going again?

Oh, yes! The [Sorceress Memorial] or something along those lines.




If by that you mean 'point and laugh', then sure.




Hey, you're pretty alright!




Uhh, the dude outside just said I could come in...

GODDAMN IT, ESTHAR SOLDIER! THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU




... Good for you? I don't see how this especially applies to anyth-




Oh, yes, well... you should probably get on with that then!




Nobody fucks with Team Awesome!




For some reason Rinoa has found herself stuck in a makeshift Stargate.




Copying logo pose in 3...

2....

1....




There we go.




"hur hur your hair smells purrrty"




She's right, man. She could get possessed at any moment, and all sorts of crazy stuff could go down. Hell, last time that happened she let Adel lose and-




Oh.

Well I guess that settles that then!




You make it sound like you were planning to go there for a vacation, and not to be frozen in a Stargate and possibly shot off into space.




"Oh, just doing everything you seem to be incapable of, you loud, obnoxious prat."




HAWT




Isn't that what everyone should be thinking?

Well, except maybe the 'blah blah blah' bit, though this is a Final Fantasy game...




No.




Except replace 'puppet' with 'bitch'.




I think you mean 'our time', as you're both on the same world, silly.




You know, Zell, Rinoa is standing right there.




Welp, time to throw him out the airlock!




Eh, any place is as good as any else.




One quick trip on the Ragnarok later~

Also, possibly, but I wouldn't worry. You're not Junctioned with anything, so any damage you do will be piss-weak.




"(And I'll murder all my goddamn friends in the process too!)"




... Is that a euphemism?




"DAMN STRAIGHT. I'M NOT LETTING OTHER MEN USE THEIR 'SWORDS' ON YOUR 'HEART', YOU HUSSY"




"Really? Well, shit, this is new information to me."




If the emergency is 'Where are the hotdogs?', I am going to end you.




"The transmission said, "Mr. Dincht loves the cock". How did they know of love of eating chicken..."




Unless they have a Delorean, this isn't going to work.




Dun Dun Dunnn?




No, I'm sure it's someone completely unrelated!




If you honestly say, "Ultimecia possessed me from the future!" I'm afraid I'm just going to scream blood.




"Stop right there, David Copperfield..."

Let me guess. Blah blah, found sorceress, blah blah, got powers, blah blah, terrible cost, blah?



Okey-dokey!

Also, Edea, what's up with the giant field of flowers next door? The continent is a barren wasteland! Not to mention that there's no sign of them on the world map, and then.. ah, who cares. The game hasn't explained itself so far, so I really shouldn't suddenly expect it to start now.




Anyway, yet another quick trip on the Ragnarok later~

Man, that thing gets around.




This plan better be good!




WHAT A TWEEEEEEEEEST




"Fuck all those monsters outside and the city being in mortal peril, let's discuss tea cosies! For or against?"




Aint that the truth?

Actually, before we do...




YOINK

Okay, proceed.




Again, very much the truth.




FUCKING EW I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT




... Oh.

OH.

Right, my bad.




The feeling's mutual, you whingy sod.




And it was the best damn part of this game!




An excellent question.

The cutscene was very long and boring, and took up about 30+ screencaps, so I'll just give the gist.


After the last little bit where we got to control as Laguna, he joined the anti-Adel movement and they managed to trick her into falling into that stupid Stargate thing. Afterwards, they promptly...




Fired her off into space.

As you do.




Again, it happens.

So, what's this about some retarded 'kill Ultimecia' plan that can't possibly work?




Oh God, no...




Fat chance of that happening in this game.




YES. WE. KNOW. THIS. AL-READ-Y.




Well, no shit.




How did Ellone get those powers anyway?




Well then, I hope you've been eating fibre, because I'm about to ruin your shit!




Okay, so the machine mimics Ellone's electric pattern and is what allows Ultimecia to travel through time. Fair enough. Right, I get this plan now, and I'm way ahead of ya. Let's go smash that machine! That way Ultimecia won't have it in the future.




Yeah... for the purposes of annihilating all life in the Universe. You're retarded. Where's the machine?




No, it's pretty easy to blame him.

But I guess you're right, we have more important things to do. Where does Odine keep th-




No, you little annoying faggot-suffle, all we have to do is smash the machine that, you know, is in the PRESENT. That seems a lot more logical than traveling through time!




Exactly. All the more reason to bust up the machine!




Here's the million-dollar question. So, why does she want to do it?




. . . .




WHAT?!

So we're letting time compression happen now? You've lost your goddamn mind!

Laguna? Make him tell us where the machine is, so we ca-




ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?




... This is going to end in tears, isn't it?




THERE'S STILL TIME. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TURN AROUND AND SMASH THAT MACHINE




Yes, because nobody would ever be expecting SeeD to attack a sorceress!




Isn't that what we've been trying to avoid here?




But that's exactly where Ultimecia wants to go!

None of this makes any sense! Just give me a hammer and two minutes in the room where Junction Machine Ellone is.




HAMMER. ROOM. MACHINE. SMASHY!

IS EVERYONE HERE RETARDED?!




Oh, yeah, we'll just ride the time compression to the future.

You know, the time compression that will KILL EVERYONE!




Oh... well, okay, is it like a special amulet or junctioned magic or something?




. . . .

This is the single most brain-shittingly moronic plan I have ever heard in my entire life.




I think we're going to fucking die.




Well, before we proceed with this abortion of logical thinking, the world has finally opened up to us! You know what this means? IT'S MINI-QUEST TIME AGAIN BITCHES

If you don't want to see me basically running around explaining shit, then there's nothing beyond here for you. I'll see you guys later! Ta-ta~!

... Are they gone?

Good! What jerks, am I right? Anycrap, what's first on the agenda?




Returning to Esthar, actually.

What a long trip that was.




As you explore the city, you'll find this jerk, who will then...




Turn into a giant freaking Elnoyle, as soldiers are privy to doing from time to time.

We're fighting this guy because he's the only real consistent source of Energy Crystals. If you're low-level, then you'll want to damage him, before turning him into a Card. If you're high level, just wail on him until he drops multiple Energy Crystals. These can be turned into Pulse Ammo, and, even by themselves, are useful for...



Aw yeah!

Onto the next quest~




If you hum at the lake, then...




THIS IS THE ULTIMATE...

Actually, it's a pretty swell shadow, who asks you to find Mr. Monkey for him.




Mr. Monkey is an asshole.

But he does eventually lead you to..




Huzzah!

Actually, while we're running around the world like idiots...




If you have Enc-None, then you should definitely check out these two islands.

Why?




This is why. You'll be absolutely HAX, junction-wise, in no time.

The islands are absolutely loaded with high-magic draw points. Ultima, Holy, Flare, Full-Life, Aura. The works!




For the next quest, we're heading back to Balamb Garden~




I could've done this as early as Disc 2, but it honestly slipped my mind. Whoopsie-daisy!

These are the Seto Kaiba's of Triple Triad. Full of unwarranted self-important, and they treat card games as if they descended from the very lofts of heaven itself, and us foolish mortals should be eternally grateful we even get to see the paper they're printed on. And only $9.95 for each booster pack!

Long story less long, you run around Garden fighting this randomly appearing idiots until you find...




Yes, Xu, I know this already. I know I haven't checked in for a while, but that's no excuse to be rude and feign amnesia!




Well, you know what? IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DU-




Well, crap, that was easy....




The King: So important that other words aren't even worthy to be on the same sentence line after it!




Now while it's actually kind of fun to go searching for the CC members, the instructions needed to find the King were so amazingly vague to me that I ran around Garden for like an hour until my friend, who I was chatting with while I streamed my play, had to go grab a guide and read out the instructions to me.

Basically, you have to talk to Nida, then Kadowaki (but you chat by pressing Square with Kado', not X, because... I dunno). After this, you head back to your dormitory and tell everyone else to bugger off. Then you keep selecting the bed and taking a nap until the King randomly shows up.

... How did anyone figure this out again?




But Squall doesn't care. He's too busy having a kinky dream.




Whoa! This dream just took a turn for the sexy.

.... What?




DUN DUN DUNNNN

Also, the uniform only helps assert my theory here.

Also, also, why is Quistis considered the King? I probably don't want to know...




Ah, his 'game'. I gotcha.

Wink.




Oh-ho, is that a Gilgamesh card I spot there, Trepe?

Do you think Quistis minds me using the card of... herself, to defeat her?




SCREW THE RULES, I HAVE GIL




"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'Gay Clown'..."




Catch ya later!

Actually, someone said that if I did the CC Group quest I had to also complete the Card Queen one. I have no idea what that involves yet, so just gimme a second and I shall check~!








Yeah, I'm not doing that.




So, that's another one off the ol' checklist. Next up?




MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO




This quest is much easier with Enc-None on, as the fights trigger even with it activated.

Basically, you just run around the world and spot a UFO stealing stuff, until you finally get the chance to hit it.




After this, head back to the Balamb Crater and you'll meet...



PuPu~!




If you give him 5 Elixirs, he'll give you a PuPu Card, which can eventually be turned into a Rosetta Stone.

Actually, I probably should've done something else while we were near Winhill...




Back we go!




Can't say I am, Aerith.




"(Mental note: The child knows too much!)"




This quest is mostly worthless, except for two little things.




Chicobo!




AHHHHHHHHHHH GHOST OF SQUALL'S IMPLIED MOTHER KILL IT AHHHHHHHH




"Lady, you're clearly unfamiliar with how RPGs work. Incidentally, have you got any treasure chests lying about maybe?




I really don't like the way you say 'thank y-OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU DROPPING YOUR PANTS?!




Uh, thanks dude. I've got 100x3 Holy already from running around the Islands, but it's the thought that counts.

Right. So, what's next?




If you head just south of the Kashkabald Desert, you'll find this tiiiiiiny island.

If, naturally, if you hit the randomly appearing green cactus on it, you'll fight...




Jumbo Cactuar! Look at that fantastic moustache.

Aside from his 10,000 Needles attack, he's pretty harmless.




Because he lives in a desert, y'see.




Onwards, to more GFs!




This place is pretty out of the way. Also, invisible on the world map, so just keep an eye open~




You'd think the ex-instructor would know this, and the student would be clueless.

Oh well, toss yet another odd personality-swapping instance onto the table.




I have no idea what this means, and it's never mentioned again so... okay?

Do they mean a certain GF we'll be finding in a bit? Or the boss, also later on. Or.. hell, it could contain the world's largest cocktail of pina colada, but we'll never know.




BECAUSE THE TENSHODO TOLD ME TO! I KNOW OF YOUR CUNNING HIDDEN ANSWERS




At last, we get our first look at Bahamut!

I wish I could comment more, but he honestly died after one Renzokuken. He's like the Tenzen of this base.

o snapz




Matoya will be happy, at least.




I'm not sure why, but after this you can't proceed further until you've run around for a little bit. Possibly because the monsters in the base weren't expecting company, so they have to clean up the joint. In any case, we can cross off the other final thing on the checklist while we wait!




Make sure not to hit the Lunatic Pandora, or else the game will continue on with what it likes to refer to as its story.




If you have the Solomon Ring, as well as..

-6 Malboro Tentacles (Guess where you get them...)
-6 Steel Pipes (Mug Wendigos or mod Elastoid Cards)
-6 Remedy+ (Use Alexander's Med ability on 60 regular Remedies)

You can do this.




Yes, I have!




I'm sure he will be a Really Useful Engine™, indeed!




Right, back to the stupid island then.




Down, down, down~




... Might wanna see a doctor about that, Squall.



I do? Oh, happy days! This makes me so pleased my eyes just might start ejecting boiling piss.