Working as Intended

In the last section of this game, Squall, Quistis and Irvine returned to Balamb Garden to warn people that Galbadian missiles with eyes were about to blow shit up real good, but found themselves caught in a very silly struggle between two groups of students. In the end, the missiles ended up not hitting Balamb Garden, because the academy had a long-hidden ability to transform into a flying fortress, and it took off across the countryside before slamming into the ocean and becoming a boat.

...

I have no idea what's happening anymore.





According to my broken watch? 239 years.



I don't think Cid gives even half a shit as much about the report as you do, Squall. Just drop it.



In terms of both location and plot!




Join the freakin' club.




Uhhh.. Story? Game?

Can I have it, please?




There we go!

Right, well, let's see if we can find out about this NORG chap then?




Why would they even bother writing this in?




'sup, ladies? You know I-




GET BACK HERE YOU SON OF A...




"Uh, no, my name's Juarez, I sweep the floors here."




GOD DAMN IT, YOU SAUCER-HEADED SHIT-SAUSAGE, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CATCH THAT KID.




Sure thing, Voice of God. What up?




"I'm just listening to the voice in my head, and am going to follow its every command! Why do you ask?"




Well, someone woke up on the wrong side of the freaky ocean fortress, didn't they?




Headmaster Cid has a potty-mouth :O




"No, Juarez. Why can't anybody get my name right?!"




Heard enough to know you were throwing the mother of all hissy-fits.




What could possibly be so important about the report, Squall?

"Headmaster Cid, we failed in everything we set out to do, thanks to that shit-logger Zell. The End."




"Oooh, awkward. We're actually the SeeDs who came from the Centra Coast. Yeah, place was pretty rad. We've took holiday pictures if you wanna see! Irvine wore a bikini. I... I don't know what was up with that."




At least buy me dinner first.




NORG will see us when I goddamn want him to. Shut your trap.




Boy, you really don't have much stamina, do you?




That's because that'd require this story to be coherent on some level.




:O




"We fucked up. Zell is a cockhead. Rinoa is a bitch. Irvine had trouble performing. That's about it, really."




YES. GOD-YOU'RE-WORSE-THAN-FUJIN.




WHAT A TWEEEST




Welcome to my world once again.




And this has what to do with anything?




Oh, Martine, you sly weasel. You devilish rogue. You cat's bollocks.




I-I-KNOW.




B.. But I thought what we had was special?!




No shit, Sherlock.




"Okay, just hear me out on this one. What if we, okay, dress everyone up in coconut bikinis and perform a calming luau sunset dance? People dig that shit, right?"




BUJURURURURU!




"Yeah, not gonna lie. I think we should list that as Plan That Fucking Sucks, Also You're Fat."




My sentiments exactly.




Because the last time you tried that shit you got an ICICLE THROUGH THE TORSO.

That and I rather saw off my own limbs using my arse then go through the Prison sequence again.




Dude has a point.




What? That they should be fighting the sorceress, or that they're incompetent assholes?

Really, with Cid it could go either way.




Yes, I do believe that's his name.




 Yes, we know that. I thought this entire discussion was about how that idea sucked shit?




I'd be inclined to kind of agree, but Squall has actually prepared a very convincing counter-point.

Squall?




See? There you go.




DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN




Again, a perfectly normal reaction.




That's a first for this game.




I think someone should take the fork away from you.




Well that's just plain mean!




THANKS FOR GIVING AWAY YOUR WEAKNESS, NUMBNUTS

Basically all you have to do is have 1-2 people constantly hitting the stupid orbs so they stay blue, while your most powerful character wails on the main pod section of NORG. So, yeah, this entire battle phase revolves around giving him blue balls. Go fig'.




After some damage, Phase 2 of the battle begins. Which really isn't that different from the first, except you may want to considering Drawing and casting Protect on everyone, as his Psycho Blast attack does decent damage.




Oh, and he also has a GF.




Damn right you are, you little bitch!




SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!




"I heard there'd be punch and pie down here!"




Jesus Christ, Squall. Are you just willing to ignore every fucking insane thing that happens to you?




See? Hotness agrees!




Who pissed in your QQ Tea today, Sheryl?




Clearly the plot is starting to send Squall loopy.




Well why don't we go do that then?

But first, let's see how Garden's faring.




Has the... Credit Card.. what challenged me to a... what?!




Adults playing a children's card game? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!

... In the past 15 seconds.




Uhhh.. is there something you'd like to share with us, Squall?




You knew a time when the school would magically lift itself out of the ground to avoid missiles, float across the island, slam into the ocean and drift aimlessly would come? Damn, you're either completely insane, or a fucking psychic.




Uh, she's right in front of you, dude.




No joke, that's the entire conversation you get when you chat to the guy at the front.

Someone had to spend time putting this in!




You're both freaks.




Um, sure thing, Random NPC I'll Never Encounter Again?




A hissy-fit throwing pansy? I already know.




;____;




Alright, does this line make any sense to anyone?

It's the first line Cid says, and he never follows it up, so... kinda confuzzled over here.




How about we try and figure out what the hell you just said?




"Ohhhh, yeah. Um. Funny story, actually!"




"Hey, honey, how about we train people to kill me? Holy shit, this is the best idea ever!"




Um.. yeah.




Then I hope she finds the tragic humour in us stabbing her in the face shortly.




More like the fat sheep. Zing!




Cool beans.




Goddamn it, Squall, give it up already. Nobody fucking cares.




"Your huge string of failures speak for themselves."




"Zell?"
"Zell..."




Now we find ourselves slaves to the rhythm of the beat!




Yes, this'll probably happen when we collide with something horrifically.

You're the worst pirate captain ever! I'm leaving.




What? What?




Yeah, he's in the Infirmary looking for the world's smallest violin.




"Or even worse. MIMES!"




I don't think the Galbadians would drive around in something so poncy.

Besides, it can't be them. I don't see any Error Ratio controls on-board.




"Again, awkward. We... sorta left him behind in the Balamb Crater. Yeah, sorry..."




Huh. I didn't think Edea has the ability to disperse her seed.




"Well we are, so fuck off."




o snapz




Assuming we go by the JRPG Law of Names and there's only one Ellone on the entire planet? Kind of.



How would you know? You weren't part of that sequence!

Or maybe he was. It's kinda hard to tell who the hell is/was/will be who.




Let me just check Twitter...




There we go!




"Yes, I am alone. Creep."




"I'm a Ellone, yes."




Awww~




Oh now he gives a shit.




What isn't in this game?




"You look ridiculous in that outfit. Leather and belts? Really?"




No kidding. And here I just figured you suddenly de-aged for that slight period of time Laguna was in Winhill.




"No, that's Barry from middle management's fault. We keep telling him not to fuck up the time-space continuum but the dickhead does it anyway!"




Why? It's not like you're Zell or anything. Chill out.




HURRR




"Here's the number of a fashion guru I always go to. He's name's Clyde and he did wonders for me!"




Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.




Ponciest. Boat. Ever.




We next join Squall as he-WHOA




Mr. Personality strikes again.




"You were suck a clueless pillock back then. How about now? Wink."




Hah!




Well, ho-lee shit. This is a first.




Aw yeah.




Well it took him a while, but it's nice to see Squall finally go on his first little da-




"Please don't do what I think you're going to do."




"OH YOU KIROS! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!"




"God, I despise you so much, you old fart."




WHOOPS I HOPE YOU DIDN'T NEED THAT WINDMILL LOL




"Well... fuck."




"While we crush and murder thousands of innocent residents. Peace out!"




Oh great, because those last few orders you've issued have been real doozies!




And then we pillage and burn the joint, right?




A new mission...




"Let's break their legs!"




Well I do not tolerate YOUR FACE




I'll get right on that then!




Well, no shit.




So.. you think Balamb Garden suddenly lifted itself out of the ground and crashed into this city because of poor maintenance? Well, crap, guess we better take better care of all our buildings then! Lest they decide one day to go for a stroll right into the wall of a neighbouring city.




I didn't realize this until a secondary playthrough, but there's a neat little 'hidden' ladder here that eventually takes you on a path to an NPC, who gives you a weird magazine that may or may not become useful in the future for this particular run through the game.




"Look at this picture. Now back to me..."




Running~!




I believe you, random drunkard. Fight the power!




What? NORG is evolving!




I like how all the students, teachers and, apparently, most SeeD didn't know anything about NORG or his origins, but some random asshole boatman in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere apparently has all the hot gossip on him.




You don't know the half of it, man.




Whoa! Maybe I came at a bad time.

Also... h-how are you doing that with your voice?




Okay, okay, I'm leaving. God!




"Yeah, I have a comment. It's.. um.. oh, yeah. WHAT THE HELL IS A MILITARY ACADEMY DOING FLOATING AIMLESSLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN?!"




"Oh yeah! Our own room. Irvine, do you mind?


Irvine?


No?


Well, fuck you then."




To the Mayor's House!