Final Fantasy X-2 - Part Ten
Posted on 6/22/2011 by Trambapoline
So.. yeah. Been a while since an X-2 entry popped up, huh?
Explanations are probably in order for all none of you who care. After the last X-2 entry the lovely ol' PCSX2 emulator started going all snooker-loopy again, and I was all set to fix it... until I realized what section of the game was going to rear its ugly, ugly head next. So thenhe game sat on the bench for a wonderful couple of months. I like Final Fantasy X-2, and think it definitely has its moments of being pretty darn fun, but the designer of this one particular part of the game should commit explosive seppuku for his crimes against humanity.
Probably a slight exaggeration there, but really, the next bit might be my least favorite section in any video game ever, so if I come off somehow more grouchy than usual, well, now you'll know why.
Let's... let's just get this over with, shall we?
When we last left Tooshie McDerriere, all those months ago, she had just snuck into Leblanc's totally hidden headquarters in Guadosalam in order to
Oh, and also fiends are now pouring out of every temple. That might be worth noting too.
After doing the usual rounds of marketing bullcrap that I thankfully don't subject you fine people to, Yuna finds herself in Luca for.. look, don't make me say it. Just mentioning the phrase makes bile rise...
Not as worked up as I am over it, believe me, Buddy.
WHY THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR A SPHERE HUNTER
Shame. If only we knew any....
Great! You go do it while I sit here and drink myself into an early and bitter grave, missy.
Let's not and say I shot anyone who dared suggest otherwise.
FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN PUTS SOME PANTS ON THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT!
.... At least I certainly hope that's a woman.
Okay, maybe not that much, but you get my point!
Don't remind me...
Marketing, Sphere Break and now Shelinda in the first 10 minutes! Today is going great.
Where's the bottle of pure cyanide when you need it?
So Rin is either now an extremely wealthy feudal tenant, or a god. Man's certainly worked his gig way up from just 'owner of a few dinky shops' two years ago.
"Hey, dude, point the camera over here. Lady Yuna's walking around with no pants on."
"Come on, Jim. That's stupid. Why would she ever do something li---"
"Duuuuude!"
Rin then opens the little shindig by walking up with his harem of cloned wenches and speaks a language nobody present can understand.
He's a class act, if nothing else.
You don't know the half of it, lady.
Right, so for those of you that somehow confused this for something completely irrelevant, this is Sphere Break. It's the latest craze in Spira and is the finest example of how maybe having Sin around to constantly off the population and keep the survivors huddling together in fear actually wasn't all that bad afterall.
I'll explain the mechanics in a sec', but for now, the gist is you have to walk around and find NPCs to do battle with. Just like Dual Monsters. Except somehow even more convoluted and stupid.
PARENT OF THE YEAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
Then prepare to have your dreams lay before you, mangled and crushed! For Lady Yuna is here to steal the prize and... well... not get that much use out of it, actually. But if she didn't win, then that would be something that wasn't all about her. And we couldn't allow that!
Okay. Here goes.
So this is.... ugh... Sphere Break. It is a randomized, math-based game that revolves around the concept of seeing how much the player can endure before they pull the PS2 out of the wall, fling it out the window and across the front yard before finding the nearest shredder to turn it into horrible, infuriating manure.
The objective of the game is to reach the Quota shown in the top-left corner. To do that, you need to use as many of the grey coins as possible to reach a number that's a multiple of the blue (core) number in the middle. But you can't use the grey coins until you use at least one gold coin in the center. At the end of the turn, the grey coins you used vanished, and the unused coins go up a number (ex: 7 -> 8). After they hit 9, they vanish. All vanished coins return to the field a few turns later, but until then, you've just gotta make do.
This would be annoying, but still rather okay if that was it. But oh no. You see, to often hit the quota mentioned, you need to hit an Echo, which gives you extra quota points. To do this, you need to use the exact same amount of coins in two turns. Like, if you used 5 coins in one turn to reach a number, then you better use 5 in the next. Again, not too bad. Except that you only have 30-60 seconds a turn to figure this out, the game never fully explains the mechanics, you have a limited amount of turns to reach a quota, and if you run out of time on any turn (even the first), the match instantly ends and you lose.
Also, the core number could hit 1. Which means any gold coin number will end the turn successfully, so you never hit the gray coins, so you never get any quota points. This will happen at least once a game, and often upwards of 3-5 times if the game really hates you. Which is does. With a seething, undead passion.
On top of all this, each coin has a randomized value and 'trait', which doesn't mean much to the overall game, but can still be annoying anyway. Like you might get a coin with a -500 gil trait. In which case, say goodbye to your money, jerk!
Almost every single element of this game is randomized, so you could instantly fail in the first few turns if the game darn well feels like it. The fact that you have to win the tournament to reach 100% is one of the most obvious signs that the game designers hate each and every single one of you that purchased their game.
But don't worry, game designers. The feeling is mutual, I assure you.
By some miracle (ie: restarting the game four times until the Random Number Generator liked me), I won!
In your face, random woman who just wants to live a simple, innocent life but can't because Lady Yuna demands everything is about her! That'll teach you to try and make an honest and actual living!
.... Isn't Yuna meant to be putting 'sphere hunting on hold' to help out the temples now anyway? Whoopsie!
The next battle goes surprisingly smoothly too.
Also, if you're playing the game at this point, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAVE AFTER THE SECOND BATTLE. The game, I'm assuming in an attempt to show just big of a complete asshole it can be, decides to make you fight the third and fourth battles back-to-back, so if you lose one... well, yeah. Hope you like resetting the game and trying again!
Did I mention how much I fucking hate this chapter and every single individual responsible for its creation?
After the third battle, we find Rikku crumpled on the ground in front of Rin, legs spread open.
Must be trying out for the harem...
Now, let's not jump to conclusions, Yuna. Maybe she just walked into a door?
Okay, so let me get this straight.
Yuna, Rikku and Shinra enter the tournament and get into the top three positions for the trophy. So, if Yuna loses right now, Shinra wins, and vise-versa, right? Since the entire point of doing this is for the sphere... who cares which one of the three wins? The Gullwings win the tournament and obtain the sphere either way, so why is it that only PRESHUS YOONA can win for it to count?
It's because if Shinra wins, he gets the sphere and then... never hands it over.
That's it.
Well, game, pardon my French for this next bit, but you can kindly take the sphere and shove it straight up your fu--
--sideways for three months with a chimpanzee!
So... I have less turns than any other match to do get over twice as many quota points?
Oh yeah. That's fair!
Interestingly, you never see your opponent play the game. It's always just you, for one reason or another.
Also, there doesn't seem to be any actual spheres in Sphere Break.
Christ, I hate this game sometimes.
Long story less long, after much swearing and having to restart the goddamn game three times, I finally win!
After the game decided to be a MASSIVE CHEATER and threw five 1 core numbers at me in a row.
Funny, so did your shut the hell up.
I'd ask where the confetti is coming from, since there are no buildings or any reasonable release point for them above the three... but who cares at this point. Or ever. I just want to leave already!
Of all the Gullwings to enter the competition, Rin is forced to speak to the one who doesn't know any Al Bhed.
Awkward.
Lady Luck sure aint on my side today...
No, my screams would be doing that.
Just don't go leaping off the edge of an airship at the end and you'll do fine.
This kid grows up to develop an oedipus complex and then murders a hooker behind the local Spiran 7-11. I'm calling it.
Machina Gone Wild? Is that a R18+ movie for technophiles?
Nothing in this game has anything to do with anything else, Yuna.
Also, why are you narrating this of all things? I don't think Mr. You-Know-Who particularly gives a shit that some poor machina went a bit Skynet over a giant dirt road.
Oh well. A gig's a gig, I suppose.
There's always time to do it with Rikku and Paine!
.... Wait.
The gist of this wonderful little exercise that isn't Sphere Break, so I'm coolio with it, is that you need to run down the Mi'ihen Highroad and eliminate at least 7-10 fiends before the Al Bhed group does. Why? Because of that ever-present and increasingly alcoholism-inducing 100% completion, of course! If you just let the Al Bhed do their job and make SOOPAH YOONA all pouty because she couldn't fucking please every single individual on the face of the planet, then certain events later won't trigger and NO 30 SECOND CUTSCENE AT THE END OF THE GAME FOR YOU.
Anyway, it's pretty darn easy to get 7-10 battles down, since the highroad is basically
... and the battles give me a good opportunity to check out the Lady Luck dress sphere!
Much like the hellish tournament womb from which it spawned, Lady Luck is mostly a random crapshoot. It'll either be incredibly powerful... or it'll kill 2/3 of your party in about 20 seconds. That said, when it works... holy crap, it's one of the best classes in the entire game. Between Rikku dishing out the casino royale all up in this hizzy, Paine hurting everything on Warrior, and Yuna holding the Caladbolg like a prissy on Dark Knight, it's pretty darn easy to curbstomp 90% of the battles this chapter.
Shoot, and I already wasted my Terminator reference.
Well, that's what I get for going off prematurely.
Actually, that's par the course for this game.
Pretty sad, huh?
"We don't have phones, smartass!"
Again, par the course, Rikku.
Moved by these inspiring words, Rikku rushes back to the Celsius to write smutty Gippal/Baralai/Nooj fan-fiction.
...
Too easy.
Oh boy, a Garment Grid I'll never use!
Still, better than Sphere Break, so I should cut the game some slack.
Except the game invented that wretched thing, so fuck that.
Let's not.
Next up on the ol' Chapter 3 checklist... something that sounds mighty important!
Oh.
Well I'll just see myself out then, shall I?
GIPPAL WAS HERE
NOOJ IS A LOSER
Calling you a worthless sack of shoopuf droppings is not odd in the slightest.
HOW IS THAT ODD?!
Hell, everyone should be listening to that little nugget, since Gippal appears to be the only sane person on this planet.
No, the other Lady Yuna that's parading around Spira half naked and solving everyone's problems.
THIS IS THE MOST RATIONAL THING EVER SAID IN THIS ENTIRE GAME
Where the hell is Gippal? Dude needs to get a high-five, like, right now.
"... eh kills Yevon and doesn't afraid of anything"
Who, Yaibal?
I thought the Gullwings didn't work for the Youth League?
Next up on the utterly butterly pointless checklist for 100% completion...
I do like how the computer is getting all haughty-taughty about someone not instantly wanting their help.
Get over it, oddly personalized computer!
Why, it's Mr. I'm-the-only-rational-person-left-on-this-goddamn-planet, himself!
... Which is an odd thing to say, given the explosive clown diarrhea that he's wearing, but my point remains valid!
AAAAAAAAAAAA BAD TOUCH
Hey, Tidus had to put up with this kind of crap from everyone in Spira.
You don't get to complain just yet, Daughter of Cid.
Or maybe Yuna's the kinky fan-fic writer in the group.
Wouldn't surprise me. Probably thinks she's helping the Internet by producing such quality material.
OH-HO-HO
("What are you saying?")
A dismissal that might go over better if you weren't bent over and checking out his arse, I'm sure.
Yeah, because that's what I was totally here for, Gippal.
Yup.
All about digging and losing my 100% complete up in this.
If they were here, doesn't that mean they've been cleaned up already?
Or maybe this looks like a job for the Gulljanitors!
Did they ever join it to begin with?
Actually, come to think of it, they only had the one sphere that was given to them by Kimahri before the game started, and at least Rikku/Brother/Paine/Buddy and Shinra have been at this for a while now, so what have they been doing all this time exactly?
That's not a change of pace, Yuna, and you goddamn know it!
Yes, I'm sure he'd like to hire you right after he told Yaibal and presumably everyone else at the Youth League that they should stand on their own two feet and not wait for you to cutsie your way around to helping them. For their own good, I'm sure. Not at all because you have a self-centered and conceited point of view that the whole world would just come to a fucking standstill the second you're not around to help. You know, everyone else in the party two years ago helped defeat Sin too! It's a point you made just 2-3 entries ago, so drop the EVERYTHING WOULD FALL APART WITHOUT ME ME ME ME ME ME ME act and let people bloody do things themselves!
.... Yeah, that kinda got away from me there for a bit. Sorry.
REJECTED!
Fuck yeah, Gippal!
EXACTLY
Thank you!
I should certainly hope not, what with you still being technically underage and all.
LATER, AT THE MOONFLOW
Good to see those three guys putting aside the fact that their entire race is doomed to extinction just so they can put on a show nobody seems to like. Now that's dedication!
Well I doubt Yuna thought you meant a spiffy new sweater.
Such an outfit is considered contraband in Spira!
It's a principle Sonic Team's being working at for the better part of a decade.
Yeah, people are kind of shallow like that, aren't they?
A-DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Second most rational thing anyone's said in this game!
CURSE MY METAL JOINTS! I WASN'T FAST ENOUGH!
Gippal and Paine are totally on my good side this entry.
Well, Paine pretty much always was, but y'know.
Paine cunningly rebuts this by unsheathing her sword, swinging around and decapitating Yuna. The End.
Or so I will always dream from this moment on...
THIS PANEL IS TO HELP YOU, THE TRUSTY VIEWER, DEDUCE THAT WE HAVE NOW SINCE MOVED LOCATION
Apparently Leblanc keeps good on her word, since the gals can just waltz right on into her little abode here.
Or the guards are completely brain-dead. Honestly, either is equally possible.
Well, you best go to the Northern Crater and find him then!
YEAH, SEE?
... If this honestly ends with another massage mini-game, I will fly to Japan and punch someone in the dick.
Doesn't have to be one of the game designers. I'm in no mood for specifics!
I really wish I could, dear, but... well, obligations and all.
Don't you?
Not at the group's current fucking rate, they won't.
I... thought she just did?
Leaving Leblanc to her oh-so-thrilling little pity parade she's throwing herself, Yuna feels a strange compulsion to head back to the main room for reasons unknown. Why, it was almost as if some obviously masochistic being was controller her, urging her to push forward!
As long as it isn't the one Leblanc and him made that one lonely night after down a few too many Mickey's, go for it.
Not... really, no.
I NEED AN ADULT!!
Run, Yuna! Run while you still can!
NO WAIT NO DON'T GO THAT WAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I'm... just gonna play the next bit of the game with my eyes shut and ears-plugged, okay?
Fortunately, all it shows is an extremely grainy sphere recording taken last entry.
Are all spheres just inherently of shitty quality, or is this one of those five dollar, disposal types?
Oh, it's just Logos training to be the next camera director for this series.
A DUD?!
Oh... snap?
Yeah, let's go with that.
More importantly, who cares?
Paine, I'll take constantly clumsy foreshadowed mysteries over constantly mind-scarring mini-games any day.
Yuna, as bored with the conversation as I am, decides it's more amusing to just rife through Logos's stuff.
"Er... no. That just has various.... things on it. It's pretty boring, you wouldn't like it. You should just give it back now."
Or new, since every single sphere ever seems to have the same crappy quality.
"Oh yeah? Well one day soon we Zanarkand citizens will create a gigantic demonic whale creature summoned by a tick that you guys will all unknowingly worship, while we create a big wall o' corpses on top of Gagazet in order to summon a dream version of our city! Which, in turn, will end being destroyed by the very demonic whale designed to protect it one thousand years later!"
".... That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard."
"Yeah. That was a bit far-fetched, wasn't it? I'll pipe down now."
Yes, that generally is sort of the problem with wars, isn't it?
"Oh, right. This coming from Mr. One-day-we'll-worship-a-giant-tick-inside-a-demon-whale..."
"Hey, shut up! It could happen!"
Huh? Why's Maechen narrating all of a sudden?
Eh. Must be the commentary track.
THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION! WHAT THE FRAK?
ie: The game designers needed some exposition, and they didn't really give two craps how he got down here.
Unbelievable writing and circumstances? That's what all the cool kids find happenin' these days, daddy-o!
Also, BioWare writers.
Who, Maechen? Of course it's him. Don't be daft!
As long as you mean explaining just how the hell you got down here and, more importantly, why? Knock yourself out.
Oh. You mean to talk more about the STAR PLAYER OF THE ZANARKAND ABES?
Well, that's fair enough too, I suppose.
Oooh, yeah... um, about that...
Don't be giving her ideas, Maechen. It's bad enough having to deal with New and
If only it were that simple, old man.
If only it were that simple...
Hopes set ablaze because some random old fart made a vague comment about there being a way to bring the dead and/or technically never alive back to life, Yuna sprints off to find her good ankh and first edition copy of the Necronomicon.
... but instead gets sidetracked by a round shiny thing!
No, I forgot to watch it in this entry. Something the game will probably make me pay dearly for.
Well, you and Yunalesca certainly wouldn't make good roommates then!
ONE SHORT TELEPORT TO THE THUNDER PLAINS LATER
Kimahri has Aydes.
Sorry, had to do it.
Well.... alrighty then!
"We expect to find the horn here. Lady Yuna, where should we go now?"
I... can't follow that line of logic for the life of me.
Asshole Yevonites and the world's most obnoxious town design. Why do ya ask?
You have absolutely no goddamn clue, do you?
You're going to waste the time of everyone involved just because you couldn't say 'no' to someone?
ARGH
Well I hope you're goddamn happy now, Yuna. Look at what you've done!
They're going to return to Gagazet full of tears, and scars from where Lord Ochu presumably violated them, all because you just couldn't admit you don't have the solution to every question in the entire Universe!
With self-absorbency levels now back to maximum, Yuna takes flight again!
Or any area in Spira, if I had my way.
NOW GET BACK ON THE SHIP BUDDY WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING DOWN HERE
Fiends? Out in the wild? INCONCEIVABLE!
Doesn't seem to matter to the writers either.
That... actually sums up the entire mission quite well. Just stab things until there's nothing else to stab.
Then stab Yuna.
Nah, just kidding.
... Maybe.
STABBING: IN PROGRESS
LEVELING: SLOW
EFFECTIVENESS OF COLON PUNCTUATION: OPTIMAL
Well, since all the fiends were out here, I'm sure the people inside are just peachy and all cozy and wa--
Oh.
Well, uh... I guess he wouldn't be needing it...
OH GOD HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE
MORE IMPORTANTLY, GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, VILE BEAST OF FLAB AND GAS
So, basically, I wasted 300,000 gil and lord knows how many hours getting that much for O'aka all for no reason now?
This game is trying to make me homicidal, isn't it?
NOBODY FREAKIN' CARES, HO'AKA
GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY, YOU CHEAP SOD
Excellent idea, Paine! We'll let the fiends eat O'aka, then we can just find the bag in their intestines later!
The latter being done by Brother and/or Yuna, naturally.
Yes! This is clearly a thing that needs to be done!
I hope you accept currency from the native land of Your Face Will Become Home To A Thousand Claws and Teeth.
They're a very passionate nation.
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHH HAHA AHAHAH AHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh, shut up, Rikku.
You shut up, too!
