Final Fantasy X-2 - Part Eleven
Posted on 6/28/2011 by Trambapoline
Well, I think the worst is behind us now.
There's still a distressingly large amount of confusing and embarrassing sections of the game left to go, but such is life in Final Fantasy X-2. Again, this game really is a case of actually being pretty darn fun if you just plod through the 'main' story, and maybe a few sidequests here and there. But if you're going for 100%, I can only assume the game designers thought it'd be hilarious to get back at all those silly completionist jerks who dared give them money by creating some of the most downright asinine gameplay choices ever witnessed.
And this is how pirating got started.
Probably.
When we last left Rumpy Von Hindquarters, she and the rest of the Dullwings had discovered that fiends were now mysteriously pouring out of every temple in Spira and causing untold havoc! In response to this, Yuna proceeded to completely ignore all that and went around playing the
Along the way to the next wonderful and not at all pointless and pedantic side-quest, I had to go catch a lot of Chocobos for Clasko (which I'll get to much later down the line) and do s'more stupid Reputation guessing. There was a plus-side, though! I got to check out Berserker on Paine, which looked rather awesome!
... and then it suddenly didn't.
But enough talk, we're off to Bikanel.
Remember, no
Who of the what nation? I... I wasn't aware Cactuars had their own sovereign state.
And here I was thinking this game might've started making sense. That'll teach me.
You're going to let Yuna represent you? Well, I suppose she might some of that High Summoner reputation left.
No, wait, no. She threw that right out the window around the time she gave O'aka 300,000 gil on a whim. Shit.
"I only establish diplomatic ties with underground nations. You've probably never heard of them before. They're deep."
I like how Paine's giving Yuna shit before she can even say Yes now.
See, kids? That's called Pattern Recognition
You can take me somewhere that isn't completely batshit insane, that's where.
No, small child, that is a giant plant.
Look, I know you have all the time in the world, but I don't. I'm 23. In JRPG terms, I may as well be dropping dead soon!
Uhhhhhhhhhhh...
C... Can you hear the plant talking right now?
Oooookay then!
Just back away nice and slow. Nice and slow. Nobody has to get hurt. Oh god help me.
Yes. And only you can talk to them! This is perfectly rational.
Stay right here, child, I have to use the phone to totally not call the men in white coats and then run away screaming.
Such is the circle of you're completely off your fucking goard what am I even doing out here in the desert??
A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED!?!
I'VE SEEN OCEAN-SPANNING BRIDGES THAT REQUIRED LESS SUSPENSION THAN MY DISBELIEF RIGHT NOW
"What's that, Marnela? You want me to kill the hookers and then cleanse the world with fire?"
Yeah, Yuna had a little too many Al Bhed Jalapeños last night. Sorry.
Okay. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you all.
I have absolutely no idea what's going on right now.
Uhhh, would this be a bad time to point out that Tidus kinda killed them all two years ago?
HA HA HOW AWKWARD
Apparently not!
Mission Time, cats and kittens~
You heard the Text Box God. It's time to find those pesky little Cactuars again.
Because, gosh darn it, if a dragged out mini-quest is worth doing once, it's apparently worth doing a second time!
The name of the game is pretty simple. Yuna has a certain amount of ammo, and the Cactuar has a certain amount of HP. When one or the other hits 0, the game ends. In a show of compassion from the game designers (!) you don't have to win a single battle to get 100%. You just need to find all the Cactuar. Which is good, because I royally suck at this mini-game.
Basically, the left side of the screen will swap between the Cactuar and 2-3 other things at a rapid and often unpredictable pace. If you hit the other items, you waste ammo (duh). Whenever you hit/miss the Cactuar, he will randomly shoot mysterious ammo-vaporizing needles at Yuna. This begs the question of why does Yuna only have a limited amount of ammunition here when she has an endless supply in battle, but that would be expecting this game to make even the slightest iota of sense. Which we know just aint proper.
Unlike the Gatekeeper mini-game in X, however, these Cactuar have to be found outside of Bikanel as well. I'd complain about how the obscenely vague hints the game gives you as to the whereabouts of these Cactuar seems to be designed to piss off the player and waste their time, but if you're going for 100% completion, these hints actually seem downright generous of the game in comparison to others.
Also, it would imply the player doesn't have two or more guides for the game out right next to them.
But on the plus side, at least the Cactuar are off doing adorable things. Awwwwwwwwwww~!
See? I'm not always bitter!
Anyway, we can only find 6 out of the 10 Gatekeepers at the moey mo', so we'll return to this little arc later~
MAYBE IT DOES, GAME
MAYBE IT DOES...
Oh snap, Yuna. Looks like you have to actually deal with the issue you said you would in the first place now!
Why, this looks like a job for...
Okay. Okay. Let me get this straight...
Yuna (and the rest of the group, but they're not the focus of my ire right now) hear that fiends are pouring out of the temple and terrorizing people. Yuna agrees to help. Until she hears that a location of a Summoner's pilgrimage is now a happenin' joint (which you'd think she would've known already, given the whole TEMPLE bit), and now she wants to basically tell them to fuck off and let the people down in the chamber fend for themselves because they did something WITTLE YOONA doesn't like?
I know I make a lot of snarky comments about Yuna being conceited and self-centered, but holy shit. We know that the chambers of the fayth must be quite special to her, given her journey two years ago and all, but the entire world doesn't revolve around you, Yuna. Hell, Dona and Isaaru were Summoners as well and they don't give two shits! Also, I don't know, maybe people want to visit the locations where summoners gave their lives to protect them and all of Spira? To, amongst other things, pay their respects.
This is not even getting into the fact that telling the tourists to fend for themselves since the place was turned into an attraction is completely retarded and akin to screaming over the phone at someone from tech support because an item the company made went kaput. If Yuna wants to direct her egotistical and passive-aggressive rage at anyone, it should be the people in charge of turning this place into what it is, and not the people who are just visiting or respecting those who gave up everything to protect the world.
No, wait, then it couldn't be ALL ABOUT YUNA. Shit, when will I learn?
Oh, shut up, Yuna.
Now, since this is FFX-2 and all, rescuing tourists can't be as simple as just waltzing down there, throwing them over the ol' shoulder and walking out. Oh no, all the tourists of course have to be the most neurotic and picky little bastards on the planet. If you try and rescue too many or too few of them in one go, they'll suffer what doctors are calling a monumental case of the Derps, and run off into the cave screaming and hopefully getting their asses eaten by fiends.
So you have to find the right people and make about 3-4 trips in and out of the cave.
Tally-ho, chaps. Follow the leader, eh wot?
Well, if anyone knows about giant, gaping holes, it'd certainly be Yuna.
Wellity, wellity, wellity!
Looks like I'll be getting 300,000 gil back afterall. You still owe me, you little man-skank!
You know your plot's suffering when even the characters are confused as to what's going on.
In a surprising break from tradition, Dark Hojimbo is an actually challenging boss. Holy carp!
He has about 22,000 HP, which double that of a storyline boss for this chapter, and most of his moves either drain MP (meaning if you don't have an Alchemist or a lot of Ethers for White Mage, you're stuffed), inflict poison, or just follow the old tradition of making with the many ouchies.
Also, just to show he's still very much capable of being a gigantic asshole, Hojimbo can and will use Zanmato. A lot.
Thankfully it doesn't outright kill you now, but it will take you down to 1 HP/1 MP, meaning if you didn't cure that poison from before or have a decent heal on the way quick-smart, well... yeah. Have fun rescuing those tourists all over again, sport!
However, because
I bet if you hocked a big loogie down there it would go for ages.
Why? Because of the fiends, or because Little Miss Wonderbucket over there would start pouting?
Or, heaven forbid, stomping her feet. Oh, the horror!
Also, for my trouble, I received the Tetra Master garment grid. How worth it! Except not.
Putting that little ordeal behind her (you'd think the presence of an Aeon would be worth talking about, but apparently not), Yuna and co. jump back onto the airship so they can avoid running the whole 20 feet it would've taken to reach Gagazet from the ground instead of teleporting.
Man, why can't more places greet Yuna like this? So awesome.
Well good for him! Nice to see someone in Spira's showing some initiative.
Though I still don't know why the Ronso hate the Guado specifically for what Seymour did. Granted they did follow him rather religiously, but that's just it. He was a Maester. Besides being a completely stupid made up word, it meant that all of Yevon followed him in one way or another. Including the Ronso.
Hell, the Ronso wanted to kill Yuna just two years ago because Yevon and Mr. Kelk deemed it so.
I know, I know... X-2, logic, hardy-har-har. But still!
Oh god....
What is it with Spirans and their believing that giant inanimate creations are talking and listening to them?
Kimahri's too weak to take on Garik alone. Such is the downside of me not leveling him at all in FFX.
Boy. Hindsight, huh?
Yes, talking to a mountain is a bit bats in the belfry, isn't it?
Please tell me it's some proper pants...
Eh, close enough.
Please don't encourage her, Paine.
Oh, who am I kidding? Hell, I'm surprised she isn't halfway to the mountain top already.
Speaking of. Since Garik was a shitstomper and decided to disable all the lovely teleporters for reasons I can't even begin to figure out why, it means we have to run up the entire mountain. With random battles that give barely any EXP every other step. Hoo-frickity-ray!
IT IS A GIANT LUMP OF ROCK FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
IT IS NOT CAPABLE OF SPEAKING OR RECEIVING SPOKEN WORDS IN ANY MEANINGFUL CAPACITY
Well, I'd hate to be the one to point this out, but technically the Guado are in the opposite direction.
Then I hope you can block out the uproarious laughter that'd most likely follow.
"LALALALALALALA IS ANYONE THERE I DON'T KNOW I CAN'T HEAR THEM LALALALALALALALALALALALA!!"
Oh, great. Here comes the googly-eyed, tree-hugging 'Why can't we all just get along??' spee--
Or.... Or there's that option too!
Though given Yuna's track record with packing heat, she'd just miss every fucking shot on a stationary target anyway.
"I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT'S ALLOWED TO DO THESE THINGS. DO YOU SEE A RONSO ON THE GAME'S LOGO?! WELL, DO YA, PUNK? YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT"
.... Seriously?
I wish I had the ability to go from 'Let Those People Die Because They're At A Place I Don't Like' to 'I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO BE OF THE SAD FACE ANYMORE :(' within 10 minutes and be 100% serious about it.
Even Garik sees that Yuna's hypocritical and full of shit.
"Can Garik have some time to think this over?"
"NO TOO LATE NOW IT IS A BOSS BATTLE"
After Dark Hojimbo, I was hoping Garik would provide a good fight as well!
He does not.
I can't imagine why.
IT. IS. NOT. ALI--Ah, forget it.
Try talking to a cacti, Garik. That seems to be all the rage these days, I guess?
*Fwoooooosh*
Translation: "Kimahri's not going to do a damn thing and he'll probably ask for our help again next chapter."
Ah, yes, let's see how the monkeys from Yuna's little escapade into ruining people's businesses for her own selfish desires last chapter are going, hmmm?
Sure is purty, huh?
"Well, this is certainly news to us! Right, girls?"
"Uh, actually, Yuna..."
"Right. Girls."
"Y--Yeah?"
HAH!
Sorry.
As opposed to the monsters pouring out of the temples that are coming from the toilet, obviously.
"Really? That's... so... strange..."
That'd explain why the airship that was outside the dome before is gone now.
When Cid runs off to have a sulk, he goes far.
So... yeah, that was it for Zanarkand this chapter.
Thrilling!
Do you remember that crazy bunch of word-salads that some refer to as the plot?
Let's see what it's been up to, shall we!
Wow. Just look at all those fiends pouring out of the temple.
I can't see why they'd need to track them down. There's so many out there!
PURE PANDEMONIUM UP IN THIS BITCH
Oh, Lulu~
Can you just cast Firaga or something on Yuna and join us for the rest of the game? The Celsius could always use another snarky woman in borderline bondage gear. It's like Tim-Tams. You can never have too many!
Yes. They'll be put at ease once they realize the town's shipment of fiend-bait has arrived.
"Someone left a sphere here of that one night you drank too much and stumbled into the Auroch's barracks. Remarkable! So many hands..."
This Final Fantasy X-2 entry was brought to you by CommSphere!
CommSphere: Y.. You Never Know When You Might Need One?
Oh lord.
That's your cousin, you sick little monkey.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GAME??
Yeah, that's this game in a nutshell, kid.
Please don't let her be referring to Brother....
"Look over there. I think the plot has finally showed up!"
I assumed you already had, given the whole none of them on-screen at the moment.
... Wait, what!?
Gee, I don't know, how about we don't instantly decide to burn down the temple? How'd that for ya?
Are we talking about the danger from the fiends or the danger from setting fire to the largest establishment in the village when there's no source of water within a mile?
.... Okay, I think Beclem has some serious personal issues he might need to solve.
Who was the Admiral Dickcheese who left him in charge again?
Whaaaa?
Praying to the fayth in the temple never did anyone any good? This... despite the fact that the fayth were instrumental in helping Yuna and co. bring down Sin? This is almost as stupid as that jerk in A New Hope that gives Darth Vader shit for believing in the Jedi ways, despite the Galaxy was crawling with them just twenty-odd years ago.
In conclusion: Shut up, Beclem.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE
Look, game. I know you want Beclem to be the obligatory jaded, but well-intentioned whosit, but having him not believe in the fayth when Summoners and the Aeons that the fayth created were world-renowned just two years ago is just completely mental. It's like living in Middle Earth and going, "Oh, I don't believe in that thing you call 'Magic'!" I mean, seriously?
Yuna wisely (!) just ignores Beclem and prances further into the temple.
I didn't encounter a single fiend along the way, so I can only assume that there is no crisis and people are just seeing fiends because Wakka's stash leaked out from his hut and spread across the village this morning.
Oh no! The madness of the leaky bong has even infected our daring heroes!
"I guess you're right, Paine. We have to destroy the fiends..."
"What fiends? Look, I just want to use fire. Don't make this all weird."
How does Wakka know something is even controlling the fiends? Or if there are any fiends, since I have been here for about 15 minutes and haven't spotted a single one! I know I keep repeating that, but I was told there was a fiend infestation, and characters keep bringing it up!
I'd complain more, but it turns out Wakka's is correct, so we'll let him slide this time.
"DAMN!"
"What was that, Paine?"
"Nothin'."
After a quick trip down the elevator, Yuna spots the culprit behind the fiend infestation!
Curse those cunning camera angles, obscuring the boss! Oh, whatever could it be, I wonder??
WHAT A TWEEEEST!!
That's what I would have said if we hadn't already encountered two of the damn things before now.
I know you're not a main character anymore, Wakka, but do try to keep up!
Again, this game in a nutshell.
After the battle with Dark Yojimbo, I was expecting Dark Valefor to pack at least somewhat of a punch.
Sadly, with less than half the health and stats of her Samurai colleague, poor Valefor is a complete cake-walk. To the point where I don't even need to put Rikku into Alchemist!Mode once. She just spends the battle throwing giant puffy dice at Valefor's face, as we all tend to do from time to time.
Dark Valefor can use her Overdrive moves, though.
They do a whopping 240 damage to the group.
Yeah...
As the series went on, the designs for Pokemon got increasingly abstract.
Yes, Yuna. I think they know that already.
Actually, considering they don't seem to know a damn thing about each other, or even the name of Barkeep on board the Celsius, even when they could just ask the poor guy, this might actually be new information to Rikku and Paine.
"You barged in and could've possibly have gotten me ex-communicated. Ah, good times..."
Excellent! Now the fiend population should drop down to zero from the.... zero it was at before?
What did we accomplish again?
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN
No, wait, that was a question, not a declaration of a shocking reveal. My bad.
Don't remind me.
Then Besaid would be at peace with the lack of bong smoke and not getting freaked out about imaginary fiend attacks.
"We don't take kindly to logic in this game, bub!"
Wait... weren't we trying to avoid burning down the temple because that was an incredibly stupid idea?
Where'd all this talk about preserving memories come from?
I think Rikku was referring to the Farplane when she said that, but I guess it also applies here.
Sure, why not.
Unfortunately.
.... I don't even want to know what that could imply.
A mind that's on one very, very disturbing track....
Uh.... yeah?
AND ON THAT SHOCKING REVELATION THE MISSION IS NOW COMPLETE
AWWWW YEAH
Next up on the list? Why, it seems Wakka's second-hand bong smoke has even crossed the ocean to Kilika.
Man, that shit is potent.
Advancement of the plot, m'dear.
Also, so I can continue laughing at your massively idiotic costume. How do you even get into that thing every morning?
Yes, the complete lack of fiends during a supposed fiend outbreak does raise an eyebrow, huh?
God, if only.
Don't they do that like every chapter?
That gate is like the Madagascar of this town.
No, she means the kid that wanted to be a blitzball, obviously.
His was a dream that was just.... unattainable...
"You'll can't get through. The gate is blocked. There's a way to get through."
I... don't follow in the slightest, but if this kind of nonsense is what it takes to advance the plot, then whatever.
Did somebody order another mini-game? No? WELL TOO BAD YOU GET MINI GAME NOW YOU LOSER
I'm not entirely sure why this mini-game is even here, since as far as I can tell it's impossible to cock up. You wait until someone opens the gate, and then you press X. The End! Well, okay, you also have to make sure the guard Dona's distracting doesn't turn around, but there's two guards at the freakin' gate and they don't seem to care when you bum-rush it, so this is entirely pointless.
Like, get in line behind the other mini-games in X-2, stupid gate.
CHEESE IT!
I think your disturbingly tight g-string is creating a hidden path right now, Dona, if you catch my drift.
Eugh...
Meanwhile, in the forest, random Katamari Damacy cameos are running away from a fire!
Beclem must have dropped by here to vent his anger over the events in Besaid.
I don't know how the fiends in the forest now differentiate from the fiends that have been here during the past two chapters and the previous game, but I'm not a crazy, toked out Kilikan citizen, so what do I know?
What I do know is that this gate has some freaky magic going on. At the moment, there's nobody by the gate. However...
Now there suddenly is!
What manner of
Anyway, with all the the usual paths blocked inexplicably by gates all of a sudden, Yuna has to wrack her precious little noggin' and figure out a way to decipher Dona's oh-so cryptic advice.
And in a shocking twist, for once, it turns out the fiend attack actually involves fiends!
Except when it turns out it doesn't.
Hell, maybe the bong smoke is leaking out of the monitor and infecting me now.
I'm scared....
Yoda, you are not.
Talking like that, you should stop.
Well, it's good to see the Gullwings aren't above a little extorting when it comes to people who are in need of help.
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
The fiends that are coming from inside the temple are coming from inside the temple!?
"And she'll sleep with anything. Damn it all!"
Oh.
Well that solves that problem then!
Moved by Lady Yuna's unwavering resolve, Barthello just up and walks away mid-cutscene. Okey-dokey then!
But not before parting some Don't Be Hatin' words of advice to the lesbian trio.
SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!
I could barely listen to it with a straight face.
Finally, after about an hour and a half of running about and hearing how fiends are attacking, I get to fight a fiend.
Oh, happy days!
On top of extorting New Yevon, Yuna feels compelled to start stealing their stuff while they're busy saving themselves.
What an appealing character!
Completing the pillaging portion of the temple raid, Yuna moves straight onto the murderin' phase!
Also, Ifrit appears to be wearing the world's most totally trippin' neon necklace.
Must be off to a sweet rave party...
I know. Getting rather repetitive, isn't it?
BUT... YOU'VE... FOUGHT.... THREE.... THEM... I...
HOW IS THIS SHOCKING??
Yuna's body is ready.
If you were expecting Dark Ifrit to be a tough boss battle, well...
You clearly aren't familiar with how boss battles work in this game then.
Also, while I do give a few of the dress-sphere designs in this game a hard time, Rikku as a Samurai is pretty grand.
"Blargh. I am the dead. Oh, if only I had more than three predictable attacks and some decent health. If ooooonlyyyy...."
I've run out of hole-related jokes.
I guess you could say I didn't have a 'hole' lot of them! Get it?!
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAaaaa-I'll shut up now.
LATER, ABOARD THE GREAT RED CRAB TALLYWACKER IN THE SKY...
... Rikku and the others sit around and try to figure out the plot.
Join the freakin' club.
That is an excellent question! Guys?
Well, well, I wasn't aware that Staff Sergeant Semantics was joining us for this conversation!
Sit down, sir, and have a nice, warm glass of shut the hell up.
Yes, the temples were very well known for their giant gaping holes into monster-infested pits.
Actually, that sounds really cool. Why weren't they like that?
Alright folks, better go put the kids to sleep and make a nice cup of coffee.
The brain-trust is going to be here all fucking night at this rate.
One might even daresay it was majestic!
And the other holes can't be made by Vegnagun all of a sudden?
Well, I highly doubt that all the giant, fiend-infested holes that suddenly appeared in every temple was just a big coinkydink.
The concept of female anatomy freaks Brother out something fierce.
HAWT
I think Brother's face here was mo-capped from the writers as they were vomiting up the dialogue for this cutscene.
OH LET ME GUESS
THERE ARE FIENDS
IN THE TEMPLE
AND AN AEON IS CONTROLLING THEM
I think I just saved us all about 20 minutes. Except for where we have to watch it all anyway because the game hates us.
Told ya.
I'm going to celebrate by smashing my head into the keyboard. Hooray!
.... Why do you have to look at your crotch while saying that?
Yeah, how dare he have the gall to not rely on Yuna for every single little thing. That bastard.
("Gippal gets all the action.")
Oh, Brother. I'm sure if you stopped perving on your cousin you could find someone who... no, wait. You're a lost cause.
Nevermind.
Do you really have to ask, Buddy?
EXTORTION: THE GAME
I could summon up another gigantic rant if I wanted, but I think everyone gets the point already. I hate Yuna.
And, well, every other non-Paine and maybe Rikku member of this crew right now.
If my experiences are anything to go by? Wonderland.
See you next time for the end of Chapter 3, you wacky people!
