Working as Intended

Well, well, it's certainly been a while since I last played this game~!

That's because of, uh... some entirely legitimate reason that doesn't revolve around me being lazy and indecisive, I assure you. I have a big back catalog of games I've started LPing, and gosh darn it, I'm going to finish them one of these decades years centuries cupcakes days! In any case, let's see what's next on the wonderful adventures of Monkey Boy, Rat-Tail and friends!






When we last left Mr. Zidane "Oooh Soft" Tribal, he was just leaving Lindblum to head to Burmecia for reasons that I'm sure aren't dramatic or foreboding at all.




Along the way, we encounter a giant, levitating question mark.

WHAT COULD IT BE????






Uh, that's.... nice?

Out of the way, whoever you are.




FROG GET




40 hours of gameplay down the road and I don't think we ever find out...




What's wrong with your face?




Okay, you're starting to creep me out. I'm just going to go away now.




I don't know how I found myself having a conversation in the middle of a dank marsh with a morbidly obese five-year old with special needs, but.... no, no. Any answer I could come up with would just raise further ones...




Oh, thank god, the parent is here.

Well, I'll just show myself out, shall I---




OH GOD DAMN IT









And now we know the Qu equivalent to herbal Viagra.

I don't think I'm ever going to stop screaming.




An excellent suggestion. Well, I'll be seeing you guys sometime around never. Toodles, guys, it's been rea---




Mortal tongues have yet to devise a word that can sum up the proper amount of NO I'm currently feeling.




Oh, go to hell, Zidane...




Yeah, that's about my approximation on events today.




. . . .   How?




"No, the fish on the left side above his chair. Who the buggery did you think I was referring to!"





"Directly referring to him will make sure they think I don't know. Genius, Quale. Genius~!"




"Do you know this man?"
"He's an asshole, but I don't know him, honest!"
"Oh. Okay. Bye~"

It takes a special kind of stupid to be that gullible.




Oh, Quale...




Oh, nonononononononononononononononononoNO, I've got one soul-crushing mini-game to deal with this update. I don't need TWO




But what the hey...

The gist of catching frogs for Quina is this; The more frogs you catch (Up to 99) the better rewards you can get from it, as it powers up one of Quina's attacks (Frog Drop, if memory serves) later down the line. But it's not as simple as just running up to a frog and hitting X. Oh no...

Y'see, each Marsh you encounter around the world has a certain population of frogs, which means that if you catch all of them, it'll take forever for the frogs to repopulate the Marsh, so you've got to make sure you don't catch some, so you can keep a steady flow going later down the line.

I'll come back to this much later, but for now Quina's not going to be in my main party line-up, so stuff him!

Or... her...

Or... [gender of preference]...




Welp, better get started on that other mini-game then~




Tralalalalalalala~




If you've played this game before, you've seen this little forest probably more times then you'd like to admit.

Why? Well, lets find out!




A Chocobo named Choco. Who'da thunk?

I'll cut the game some slack, since later down the line we'll see, by far, the best name for a Chocobo ever.




Yes, I kinda gathered that already.





O SNAP SON




Uh... okay?




The Qu's disturbed me enough as it is, I really don't want to know how a Chocobo gets its rocks off, okay?!




. . . . There's something seriously wrong with you, you know that.




But before I lose the next 10 hours of my life to the virtual crack, let's take a little diversion!

Just north of the Chocobo forest, there's the lovely South Gate. Inside there's a handy-dandy HP/MP restoring spring, so this is an excellent place to do some quick leveling, should the urge arise. The dragons around here, while tough, do give out quite a few bits of EXP, so it's definitely worth your while.




Oh, and there's also an item for a side-quest.

Yet another one.

With that done, let's head back~




;  ;




Here we go...




And there we have it!

Unless you're the world's most side-quest hating individual, you'll spend hours during one playthrough or another just playing Chocobo Hot & Cold. Hell, I've known people who racked up a good 19-20 hours on the first disc alone, just because of this mini-game.

Basically, each time you play the game, up to four bits of treasure are randomly generated around the forest, and it's your job to dig 'em up. The deeper the treasure, the better the reward. The more you dig, the stronger Choco gets. The stronger Choco gets, the more rewards you can dig up. If you dig up all four treasure, even more get plonked down and you get a spiffy bonus. Each treasure you dig up gets you points you can exchange for some pretty cool items.

It's specifically designed to be video game crack.

And I love it for it.




As you keep playing, you'll eventually run into some of these Chocographs, which, well....





I certainly hope it wasn't these, otherwise he'll be pretty fucking disappointed.




Once you get a Chocograph, you can go to the world map (while riding Choco, naturally) to bring up this menu. To find the -graph treasure (which is always worth the effort), you're given a little snapshot of the area, and a general hint. That's it. Everything else it up to you!

Or GameFAQs, if you're boring and don't like the idea of adventuring and actually using your brain.




Huzzah!




While you can dig up to 7 Chocographs on your visit to the forest, you can only find two of them right now.

So, with reluctance, we must abandon Choco and return to the plot.




I'm sure these titles would be dramatic if the World Map didn't already spoil the locations for me.




"If you want me to take your wallet, just lie there motionless and leak bodily fluids at an alarming rate...."




Russian chapayev players who got rather ansty over one too many vodkas, how the bloody hell should we know?!




Well, they aint his uncle, we know that much.




OH NOES

It's an RPG. Law says he's either already dead, or he'll be dying on the throne when we arrive. We're in no rush.




Personally, I kinda hope she did. Hee!




No, he's lying on the ground with stab wounds for his health, Zidane.




Ah, so they're incompetent, then?




A bell? I assume you're kidding.




I so did not think that word was 'bells' when I first read this.




Well, look out mages of destruction and tools of war, because Zidane Tribal is packing a BELL.

The heavens themselves do tremble...




:D




D:




Oh, cripes, it's those two shit-projectors again...




I know it's been a while since I last played this game, but that's no reason to be snippy and feign memory, guys!




Oh no, mages, whatever shall we do?




Besides One-Hit KO them with The Ogre~

That weapon is to Disc 1 what a thing would be to.... something... that's.... thing...

It's 40 degrees, humid and the air-conditioner isn't working. Sue me! ; ;






Awwwwwwwww~

Both of the :D and D: variety.



Maybe, maybe, maybe!




Uh... is 'Kupo Nut' Moogle-speak for cocaine or something?




I know you want him out of the bell, sweety, but there's no way a silly nut is going to do anythi---




. . .

Well, that shut me up.





Hahaha




Well that was adorable. Let's see what else this crazy Grotto, which may or may not actually be a grotto, holds for us, eh?




"Well, golly, and here I was just half-arsing this whole 'mortal peril' thing. You have opened my eyes!"




Good to know, friend. Thankfully, the exit to this dungeon is just five steps away, so I'm sure we're perfectly fi---




. . . .

I'll learn to shut my goddamn mouth one of these days.




Gizamaluke is the first boss in IX that can really cause some problems if you're not aware of his abilities.

First thing's first, throwing a Tent at him (which in IX has a 50% chance of causing status effects when used in-battle) will make him significantly easier to deal with. He's not a powerhouse or anything, but you'll want to Steal an Ice Staff and other lovelies from him with Zidane. Which, given that this is IX, took me about 150 more turns then it would've liked!

Seriously, if there's a Hell and I go there, all it's going to consist of is messages saying, "Couldn't Steal Anything!"




But eventually everything is stolen and Vivi Thunders the living crap out of the stupid flying water.. serpent.. thing.

The IX equivalent of Gyarados, basically.




That's an excellent question. Let's see what the game has to say about it.

Game?




Apparently we're going to answer this by going to a completely different storyline.

Yaaaaaaay!




Oh, if it isn't Mr. *clank* *clank* *clank* *clank* *clank* *clank* *clank* himself~




"I wish to become a hostess at the South Gate Hooters. I know it's a position mostly filled by women, but I've just got this passionate fire in me, you know? Plus, oh my god, the hot guys, seriously!"






She's still underage, you sick bastards.

Seriously, what is with this game and its lusting for jailbait? It's getting rather disconcerting.




"How a diseased, rotten carcass of a cancerous elephant manages to have a human child, I'll never know..."




I DON'T EVEN




Except your personality.




Oh-ho, Steiner. You so wacky!




Ah, McCain!




I hope you're fine with still being heard, because if don't want anyone to notice your boisterous attitude and frackin' clanking armour, I think we'll have to move away to... say... Terra?




Steiner must've smuggled in some prostitutes to murder O:




"Except if a wily band of misfits somehow managed to escape the Evil Forest and needed a quick means of fleeing the monsters and horrors, but what are the odds of that, eh?"




DO IT FAGGOT




"What?! He was like that when I got here!"




You're a lesbian?




It's a good thing Dagger didn't suddenly start talking, say, five minutes ago when there were people out and about...

Or the guards didn't inspect the bag any further than just peering into it.




HAWT!!1!




What the? You didn't get changed at all! You big, fat, phony!

Though it does raise the question of where does she carry the supposed extra clothing anyway?




"And get some oil for your armour joints too, for the love of Ark!"




"It's one of those mechanized autonomous rail-gyros I've heard about in the scoop tabloids!"




As opposed to Cleavland, obviously.




Awwww~ Who's a good little Mary Sue? Yes, you are. YES, YOU ARE~!




No, I'd like to board the train. Go make propositions about your wife somewhere else!




If you want to see Dagger's gate, you're going to have to buy her dinner first.




"I'm sure my life is going to be completely simple and not at all melodramatic from now on until FOREVER!"




You didn't have to put up with Quina, so shush!




Yes, White Magic. Something I WOULD HAVE FOUND EXTREMELY USEFUL WHILE FIGHTING GIZAMALUKE




Moogles? I only saw one.

Unless....

WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM?!




I hope they thought of this part of the plan before they left Lindblum, otherwise that would've been an awkward journey back.




Oh. Okay. I... guess we're done with that pointless sequence then!




"Because if you can, you would've been a vital meat-shield for that boss battle and I'll now have to drown you as an example."




DONE!




Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!