Working as Intended

We've come a long way! From a simple story about a man being transported away from his technological wonder of a home to finally discovering that that was all a farce, and he and his home are, in fact, basically just glorified Aeons. Ghostly remnants that were built to sustain the memory of a city long ago destroyed by war. It's definitely a very bizarre and completely out-of-left-field plot twist that takes many by sheer surprise, but I actually kinda like it. It fits in well with the Spira/Summoning mythos, and if you follow that, it actually makes sense. Something a bit more tact than, 'no u r the dreamz' probably would've sat better with most people, but what are ya gonna do?

Anywho, we've yet to reach our destination on the Revelation Express, so let's keep going!

Choo-Choo!

Selphie would enjoy that poor analogy, I think.












We've finally reached the Zanarkand Ruins.

I'm going to be uncharacteristically quiet for a short while and just let the music do the talkin'


































Sure, if you consider 'Seen countless murdered by Sin, been stalked by half the denizens of the planet, caused upheaval in the world's largest religion, all while been chased by an insane, smug genocidal maester' to have journeyed well.




In hindsight, she'll wish she hadn't.




Well I don't think Yuna was about to push a leash on everyone and tie them to a pole outside.




SUDDENLY: VISIONS!!




Everyone was just as melodramatic back then as they are now. Ah, the more things change, ect, ect.




She may have said something of the like, yes.





Well, I guess it's a lucky thing the pyreflies seem to only show story-sensitive material. Not, say, the poor souls who decided to get it on behind the pillars up ahead, or those who let out an extraordinary fart, only to find out that people for countless generations would be forced to watch it as they entered this sacred hallow.




For the more cunning amongst you, you might remember this place as the Zanarkand Blitzball Stadium waaaaay back at the beginning of the game~ 




SUDDENLY FORSHADOWING AND DRAMA WHOEVER COULD IT BE???




Yes, let's apparently force a child to become a summoner, then send them on a march to their death.

Nothing wrong will ever come of this!




As we'll see about 20 years after this scene took place.




Well it sure as hell wasn't Frank!

Though the resemblance is uncanny...




Shortly up the road, even more visions!

Who needs TV? You could just sit here all day and watch the lives of previous summoners and creepy children.






"But I've come to die, goddamn it. And none of this Sensible Thinking shiz is gonna stand in my way!"




Ah, well at least we know which side of family Yuna got her pretentiousness from.




Do pyreflyworks count?

No?

Okay then.




Yes, because if one of my friends went and sacrificed themselves for an ultimately futile reason, I know the first thing I'll want is a parade and fireworks! What is up with this family and its casualness regarding their own deaths?




And that series of visions brings us to the Zanarkand Cloister of Trials! It's nowhere near as awful as Bevelle, but it does rely of memory and the ability to dodge the wrong Tetris Blocks glyth thingys. So, natually, this takes me longer than it would for any rational human being.




Then a Save Sphere pops up! I'm sure it's just a nicety on behalf of the game designers and isn't there to warn me of any incoming ancient evil defense systems. Yup. Definitely none of that up in this room!




... I said no ancient defense systems and I stand by that!




There are two kinds of people who play FFX. People who find this boss difficult and the next easy, or this boss easy and the next difficult. I'm of the latter, so I'm sure people who find ol' Spectral Keeper here to be the harbinger of death are going to be annoyed by how casually I stroll pass this guy!

This is definitely one of the more unique boss battles in the game. Each of the giant glowing glyths can be teleported to by a party member, which is definitely recommended, as Spectral Keeper's counter-attack hits the three glyths in front of him. Keeping everyone at least one glyth apart means they can't be hit. Yay!

Oh, except that occasionally a glyth will start glowing, which means it'll explode on it's next turn and horribly kill whoever is unfortunate enough to be standing on it. Boo!

He also has a Berserk-inducing attack, but if your healer has Berserk Ward armour on, you can pretty much just power through this guy with little sweat. Well, half of the players can, anywho!




But it doesn't matter, as in the end he'll explode anyway. HOORAY!




And then an... elevator like contraption appears.

I would just power it by electricity, and not via ancient demonic creatures beyond any's comprehension, but I'm not from Zanarkand, so what do I know?




Technically it's the Elevator of the Final Summoning, but both are good.




Auron still firmly wears the pants in the party.




:O!!




You mean someone didn't accept death while still alive and bind themselves to rock for eternity using ancient rites? What a jerk, am I right?




Oh, nevermind. I guess someone didn't decide to put the fayth equivalent of AA batteries in.




Which was Yunalesca's Husband, if one can remember back to Guadosalami.

It's fun to learn~! 




Well aint that just spiffy!




No, I'm sure he just closed his eyes, covered his ears and went "LALALALALALALAAA" through this section.




To the point as ever.





...... He's got ya there, Rikku.




Good. I didn't come all this way just for you to turn your butt around and call it quits!

Let's do this thing!




AW HERE GOES






You don't seem to have completed getting dressed yet, however.

It's cool. I can wait out here while you finish. I aint going anywhere.




Well I didn't come here for a 'I went on a Pilgrimage to Zanarkand and all I got was this lousy death T-Shirt.' souvenir.






DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

Hey, it's the last time I can use this. Leave me alone!





Basically, this means I can't go back to, say, Gagazet, grab Wantz or some random NPC and make them sacrifice themselves.




Actually, I think there'd be quite a lot to fear.

Especially if it's being told by a perplexingly nearly naked ghost woman thing.




There goes the good ol' Death theme Anvil. Smashing into my head again.

Ow.




Yes, I think we've covered that bit.

UNLIKE YOUR CLOTHES! Swish~!




But no time for any of that Final Summoning stuff yet! We've got more home movies visions to watch.




Plenty of other summoners? I didn't think they were a rarity around these parts, y'know.

You'd think they would be, but Spirans apparently are very poor at pattern recognition.





That, I doubt.




Nononononoooo, your other Zanarkand is the dream. It's not hard to grasp!

I wonder, though. Do you think Jecht ever poked the Wall o' Corpses on Gagazet?





Wow, this trip was going super positive until you just had to bring it down!




"Well, since you put it like that. Okay!"





Yes, because you're practically in crutches right now at the ancient age of vaguely mid-late 30's!




Sorry, Auron. Summoners are all about if they don't defeat Sin then who possibly can? "Me, me, me, me, me ME!"

What a bunch of blow-wanks.




They're also incredibly gullible. "Yeah, uh... Sin keeps coming back after the last 465 Summoners sacrificed themselves. But I've got a good feeling about the next one!"




NO YOU WONT LOL




Again, no.





Poor Auron ; ;




Choose Wakka? Why, I completely concur!

No, wait, this might mean Sin would do nothing but go near and accidentally destroy the... blitz... ball...

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT




I'm not sacrificing the tied-second most awesome character in the party. Are you NUTS?!




See? Yuna wants to kill herself, and Wakka wants to come with.

Everything's settled and nothing is a problem anymore!




Then.... THE PARTY!







Yeah.. um... this is probably not a very good idea.

She seems quite fond of the whole Final Summoning shtick she's got going on here.




Yes.

HELP HIM DIE





While that's rather poetic and all, I don't think life is the sort of thing you can just /ragequit




Did somebody order a melodramatic spiel about fate?

No?

Well too bad, we're all getting one now!







Good for Yuna! Getting a backbone a whole of 30 minutes before she has to go and kill herself.




Welp, time to commence Operation Shitstorm Mark IV.

But just before we go that...




We run back out and save our game.

Seriously. I'm not kidding here when I say....




SAVE. YOUR. GAME!




Oooooh, shiiiny!

And not at all ominous.




She has in the way you've chosen to wear pants.




Um... DURRRRR?




That was a pointless question.

It's good thing Yunalesca isn't a 'three questions only' kind of person.




Like a giant, demonic whale version of Tag, essentially.




HEY WAKKA

THE TEACHINGS WERE ALL A LIE TO KEEP THE MASSES IN ORDER

WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THIS




Yevon seems to think so, through genocide of the Al Bhed.

.... I have no idea how that equals purity, but you know those wacky cultists~!





God damn it, Lulu, not you too!




Pfft! Hope was clearly the worst character in Final Fantasy XIII


Have forums taught you nothing?!




Yeah, both Mika and Yunalesca are banned from any parties I might be holding in the future.

What a bunch of buzzkills.




SUDDENLY: MORE FLASHBACKS




Yeah, because that'll settle him down.




And then Young!Auron decides to attack Yunalesca...




... which goes about as well as you'd expect.





Is it possible to sue Square for damages Yunalesca's Hope Anvil is causing to my poor skull?

She's the very goddamn definition of Anvilicious.


LE GASP :O




Yes, we know.





So, basically, it's okay for Yuna to throw her life away, but if anyone she cares for tries to do it too, well that simply will not stand! Double standards, much?




No, there is another... [/yoda]




Seriously, no wonder Yunalesca sits in the ruins all by herself. Nobody wants to be near such a Debbie Downer!




Well, I should certainly hope so!




Oh, Yuna, what have you gone and done?

Could've just turned Wakka into the Final Aeon, waltzed off and killed yourself and Sin, but noooooooo...




STOP HITTING ME WITH THAT GODDAMN ANVIL YUNALESCA SERIOUSLY




Well, folks, which is where Shit unequivocally...




Gets.




Real.




IT BEGINS







Auron gets all the awesome lines.





Hah.




If this is a story, then the Yunalesca fight is nothing short of the horror chapter.




Welp, here we are... what is, to me and so many other players, the last in Trio of Controller Throwing Bosses. The first stage of the fight seems deceptively simple, which is what causes so much grief for people. Most tactics that work on one stage are completely turned against you on the next one.

For example, Yunalesca's only real annoyance at this stage is that she counters every attack with a specific spell. If you melee her, she'll cast Blind. If you throw magic at her, she'll cast Silence. If you throw an Aeon at her, she'll insta-kill it after one round. If you do an Overdrive, she'll cast Sleep. The most reasonable thing to do here would be to cast Reflect on everyone. This is what they call a BAD IDEA. Casting Regen is even worse.

Honestly, the best way to get through this stage, for the average player, is to just have one or two people attacking, and then cure their status effects as they come up. Which they will every single time they attack.

But what if you cast Reflect, or Regen, or anything? Well....




Once Yunalesca hits her second form, she'll start casting Hellbiter, which will inflict everyone with Zombie. Which, natually, means healing spells/items will now damage your party. Regen turns into Poison, and Cura/Curaga (which Yunalesca will now cast) will deal significant damage. Now, a pro of this game will know of ways to counter-act all this, as well as started preparing items/equipment for this boss hours ago. The average player, of which I am as well? Not a chance...

If you put Reflect on a character in the first form, Yunalesca will cast Regen/Curaga on them and just heal herself. This is why Yunalesca is just a royal pain in several arses. She doesn't have any Super Hyper Orbital Laser Buster Strike VVXIX attack or anything that does 29,000+ HP damage. All she does is slowly but surely cut your party apart and turn strategies against you. You can't heal, and once you have knowledge of her third form, you can't get rid of Zombie. Really, all most can do is keep fighting and revive the KO'd, then heal them before Yunalesca inflicts Zombie on them again.

However bad it may be, save your Overdrives for the final form, which is...




HOLY FUCKING HELL KILL IT WITH FIRE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Yunalesca will automatically get the first attack in during this form, which will always be Mega Death (no relation). This will KO everyone in your party unless they have the Zombie status effect. It's the catch. You either can't heal anyone and slowly die, or you instantly drop dead.

If Lulu has Flare unlocked, that should do roughly 6,000 damage. Any and all Overdrives should be used in this form, because Yunalesca gains what is probably the most annoying attack in her arsenal here: Mind Blast. It does decent damage to everyone, and has a good chance of inflicting them with Confuse. When Yunalesca did this, 2/3rds of my party was KO'd within 2 turna. Only Auron survived, and even then it was only because a Mighty Guard that Kimahri cast earlier gave him the Protect status.

Basically, if you're the type that has trouble with this fight (which is almost anyway), use anything you can to kill her.




ANYTHING.




I don't know what the hell was up with that third form, but I know I'll be seeing it in my nightmares...





Even when on the verge of death, Yunalesca tries to take everyone out with one last throw of the Hope Anvil.





Or Yu Yevon the Ultimecia, as s/he should probably be called.




Seriously. She's not coming to any shindig I'm holding!


And then Yunalesca quietly vanishes. It was the only thing about her that was subtle, really.




Go five seconds without melodrama?




Well I don't think the group killed freakin' Yunalesca and robbed the world of the Final Aeon just to go, "Well, that was pretty rad. Back to Besaid to chillax now~!"




OUTSIDE: REVELATIONS!!

I'm just going to guess it was something like :\/
Well, time to run around the ship and see what we can find!