Working as Intended

Another day, another chunk of VII completed~!

I have absolutely nothing else to say right now, so let's just jump right in!








When we last left our spiky-headed friend, he was chasing Aerith towards this strange establishment, after having spotted a clusterfuck of polygons that was supposedly Tifa.




...... WHAT?




I'll get right on that, you demented freak.

In fact, I'll get on that so much that I'm going to run screaming in the opposite direction.




THIS PLACE DOESN'T SEEM ILLEGITIMATE AT ALL.

Also, why the hell would Tifa be in a place like this? Unless all those creepy fanfiction and DeviantArt images are true. Gasp!




Cloud feels insecure about being pretty fast ; ;




Alright, then I guess I know where I'm headed then!

Right the fuck away from this creepy-shit town.




Knock yourself out, big-boots.




"You can't enter a place like this! Look, the decor is so unfabulous!"




The local Arbys?




You... jumped to that conclusion disturbingly fast, Aerith!




My thoughts exactly.




"It's not even Rocky Horror Picture Show night!"




Y'know what, I can safely say I'm not worried about Tifa.

If she wants to have sweaty, fat-man sex, then that's her decision and I respect that and also I'm going to vomit now.




.... I have absolutely nothing to say. This is so far beyond insane that it hurts.




On the way to the local clothing store, Cloud wonders how his life got away from him so far in such little time.




And I'd like a truck-full off Cherry Ripes and several fanciful Unicorns, but it aint gonna happen.





If my living was almost entirely devoted to make dresses for burly wannabe transvestites I'd probably be wasted 24/7 too.




WHOSE FOOTPRINTS ARE THESE?!




One quick run to the local dive later!

Well, one of the local dives. This is a slum, afterall. They have more dives then an especially eager submarine captain.




Damn, now that would've been a cool plot-twist.





Trust me, Cloud. You're gonna need them!

Hell, at this rate I might need them too.




LATER: After some no doubt hilarious convincing and the dress maker pissing himself from laughter...




Oh, Cloud, you're going to be the prettiest woman at the Shinra Ball~!




.... I don't even want to know.




That was alarmingly quick to make!




"Why... Why is this my life?"




SUDDENLY: Sorrow!




I think the poor guy honestly needs a hug at this point.

Though, in this town, that'd probably just make things worse.




'Like you'?

Oh, this is not going to end well...




"No, I'm the one who wants SOME SEMBLANCE OF SANITY IN HIS GODFORSAKEN LIFE!!"




.... What?




I repeat:..... What?




Well, that saves me the trouble of having to explain the controls of what I have to do, I guess?




Pffft! Who needs Sephiroth or the WEAPONS? The true epic battle of the game IS RIGHT HERE BROS





Swish~! Now we can continue to dress Cloud up like a gir--WAIT NO FUCK AAAAARGH




"I could... I could..... Tinkle!"




Next up on the Let's Make Cloud a Pretty Princess round-up, we have to get ourselves a coupon!

Also, there's apparently a Korea in the VII world now. Huh.




Hooray!

This leads to...




A store owner who's absolutely stoked right now.




Dude, this is an RPG. I don't have to say squat if I run up to you and press X!

C'mon man, at least try to read the employee manual when you get these gigs...




All three sound like something one'd need for a crazy Friday night!




Shortly after, Cloud tries rather unsubtly to spike someone's drink :O




Lost Key Item "Self Dignity"!

No, wait, we lost that about 20 minutes ago. My bad.




I'd make fun of this line, but really, after all we've done so far, it just seems far too tame.

I think the game's officially gone completely off its rocker.




Yes. Me and it are on very good speaking terms, as a matter of fact!

We're going bowling next Tuesday~




I know a stupid fetch-quest when I see one.

However, Cloud needs to look simply fabulous tonight, so we're on the case, chief!




Welp, I guess this is the place! Let's just head in an---




Okay, yes, I'm going in. Shut up, now!




The fact that Cloud has to buy this under the cover of night makes certain that I really don't want to know what it is.




PISS OFF!




Duh, duh, duh-DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

We only have one item left on the ol' checklist. Which means....





The following scene within the Inn is extremely Fucked Up in several ways and is not intended to be viewed by children, the elderly, nuns, or anyone who still believes that there's any semblance of sanity left in this world. Wire-brushes for your eyes and bleach will be given out to all who decide they hate life enough to enter. Thank you.

You must be at least over 21 years of age and played through Final Fantasy VIII to be qualified to enter.





This is literally the only things Cloud and Aerith say, so.... the hell?




Cloud seems a tad too eager to enter this place, methinks.




Yeah, I get those two words mixed up all the bloody time.




Nothing suss about this place, let me tell you!




:O




Cloud, obviously a contender for Least Creepy Person on the Planet, can look through the keyholes of several rooms and spy on the people inside. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!




Inside one room there's someone very forcefully foreshadowing events later in the game...




In another room is.... uh....




Alright, that's it, I'm outta here!




Now this sounds like my kind of room!




Unfortunately, we seem to have mistakenly stepped into the Cloud Has a Mild Psychosis Attack room.

It doesn't get many customers, understandably.





Clearly this image of Cloud is the personification of what's left of his sanity, trying desperately to get control back!




Unfortunately, it loses just as Cloud is rendered unconscious.

But, considering later events in this game, it's probably for the best if it gave up. I don't think the poor dear could handle it...




Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....?




UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!?!




OH GOD WHY




D... Do you need a cigarette, Cloud?




Hey, don't look at me, I have no idea what the fucking fuck that was either!




Yay...?




Well, look on the bright side, Cloud.

At least you're a shoe-in to look convincing now, since that burly man just made a woman out of you.




"Oh you're so Someone's Going to Stab You and I'll Laugh for a Week Straight, Miss Aerith!"




Like a jumbled mess of polygons and poorly done gradients.




I try.




AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!




Cloud better get multiple blowjobs for all the shit he has to put up with right now.




"Hello, Tifa, I'll be your partner in the Awkward Cloud Love-Triangle for the next dozen hours!"




Two of the best questions asked so far in this game.




Cloud, no matter what you say, I don't think she's going to believe it.

Hell, I saw you go through it all and I still don't believe it!




Told ya!




Yeah, let's just very rapidly change the subject...




This is Final Fantasy VII, Tifa, you're gonna have to be a bit more specific.




Knowing Barret, this was probably literal.




Well, at long as that's the only thing about him that 'popped up'.




On a related note, the room they're standing in might be one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen in a game.

This whole segment is just wrong.




Oh, Christ, here we go....




I'd put up a metre to show how fast we can go from Zero to Wrong here, but I think it's safe to say we already passed that one at terminal velocity ages ago.




THE MOMENT OF TRUTH




"Oh, I just love chicks who sound like they're 21 year old ex-military guys!!"




Bow-chicka-bow-wow~




HA HA HOW AWKWARD




This is the best text-box choice in the entire series. Don't even try to deny it.




DO IT FAGGOT




Ohhh, cockblocked by the chicks! Sorry, Cloud...




"I simply will not stand for this! 


Now, if you'll excuse me, I just rented this movie called The Crying Game. I must see how it ends!"




"You'll give me a piggy-back ride?"




"THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED"




Goddamn, Corneo caves into pressure faster than a dead hooker in the Mariana Trench.

... I don't even know what that means!





How do they plan to infiltrate the hideout, exactly, if they're going to crush it?




Lady, he's just spent an hour dressing up in drag and getting the good stuff from a burly man, I don't think walking a few hundred feet into the next town is exactly a tall ask anymore.




"Please stand over the incredibly obvious trap-door mechanism!"




Wow. Who could've possibly have seen that one coming? Besides anyone with eyes!




Well, on the plus side, at least this sewer has the decency to only be two screens long, unlike the one in its successor.





Why didn't you just say, "At least things can't get any worse" for all the jinxing it would've done us!




This boss battle against... uh.... some jerk, is pretty much not worth mentioning, except to point out that it exists.

It has a move where it damages itself, alongside everyone else. Many years in the future, Yu Yevon the Metroid is frantically scribbling down this idea while going, "Holy shit!"




I never got why JRPGs seem to love putting these unnecessary options in. I mean, it's not like you can opt for Cloud, Aerith and Tifa to spend the rest of the game as sewer hermits, riding the waves of waste in search for long-lost treasure and mutant turtles to fight!

Just let us jump down the flippin' hole already.




Sadly, with no showers in sight, the trio must travel back home while smelling of five-month-old dog barf.




Selphie would be having fits of joy right about now.

CHOOOOOO-CHOOOOOOOO!!




Considering we're standing directly underneath the bloody thing, you get an A+ for brilliant observation, you dolt!




SUDDENLY: Suicide! :(




Oh, no, wait, it's just fatman. Nothing to see here, folks!




Whatever next on your list of startling revelations, Tifa?

"Guys, guy! There is air around us, and you can breathe it. I shit you not!"




... You seriously worry me, sir. Get help.




Time to climb the annoyingly long staircase!

Something VII will soon show that it has a particular fetish for.




*hack* Who... designs.. this.. shit.. so... *gasp*... tall... *splutter*




At least one of you AVALANCHE dingbats finally gets what's wrong with your organization!

Oh, and sorry about the whole dying tragically thing.




I wasn't aware the two had time for a quickie on the staircase.

Shows what I know.




SUBLTE BOSS BATTLE ALERT I HOPE YOU ALL UNDERSTOOD THAT!!!




I hope you like equipping Materia on your characters, because VII makes you do it all the blasted time!



"Candy will dispense from the roof~!!   You... You can't have any."

Or it's a bomb. No big, we'll just disarm it right now an---




Or, alternatively, not.




GOOOOO SHITTY PHOTOSHOP LENS-FLARE ATTACK

This is pretty much the only significant attack Reno has. Which is quite sad, considering it does no damage and you can just smack the Pyramid that engulfs a player with one attack. So, really, he would've been a bigger threat if he just stuck with his piss-weak melee attacks. Oh well!




I'll do you one better, my good man.

Go, Materia!




"o shi-"




"OH GOD MY SENSITIVE LITTLE ORGANS! THEY BUUUUUUUURN!!"




Get back here, you pansy!




It's candy, I know. I'm way ahead of ya!




SUDDENLY :O




I'm not sure which I should make fun of first. The fact that this dude thinks that 'stupid jerk' is a legitimate insult, or the fact that he just made a rather crude sex joke.

Either way, he's a bit of a prat.




"Oh, okay, I'll just disarm the bomb I ordered to be put here to specifically kill you guys. Yup. This is something I'll get on right away, miss! Look at me go. All eager like. That's me!"




I think the Ori will be very interested in this development!

No, wait, wrong series...




"I refuse to tell you who I'm referring to in order to maintain some level of mystery! D.. Do you like it?"




"Bitch, shut yo' face!"




And then Mr. Blue Suit and Aerith make their escape by flying up into the falling debri.

Because that makes sense?




Tifa responds by looking up like stoned turkey, and Barret just runs back and forth constantly.

Our valiant heroes at work!!




The wire that oh-so conveniently seems to be have specifically designed to swing the three directly out of the Sector.

Handy!





AND I'LL FORM THE HEAD!




Yeah, I think it might be a bit tough to try and explain why 1/7th of your city just exploded horribly...




"YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!"




Well, gosh, then I guess everything is just peachy now, then?




This is why it probably would've been wiser if Aerith just said her name.





"I prefer to think of them as pancakes. Mmmmmmm!"




YES.




Oh, for crying out loud...

Is it wrong that I'm actually feeling somewhat more sympathetic for Shinra at this point? I wouldn't want anyone running around blowing up my reactors and killing hundreds of innocent people either, frankly.




Hey, someone in this game who isn't full of shit. Hooray!




I certainly don't, and I can't honestly say I blame her for not doing so either.




Cloud, wisely, has had enough of their crap and decides to march off elsewhere.




Only to get smacked upside the head by a bout of psychosis. Dammit!




".... Mummy?"




That's the million-dollar question, sweetheart.




But with no time to answer, Cloud picks himself up and runs further into the slums!




GODDAMN GIANT DEMONIC SENTIENT HOUSE MONSTER LEAVE ME ALONE!!




And now we have to explain to Aerith's mother why her daughter got kidnapped by Shinra.

Hooboy, is this gonna be awkward...




"Actually, it's about that movie you rented two months back. The store is getting rather antsy about you returning it."




Is it 'Shinra' or 'The Shinra'? Because the game seems to be confused about what it should refer to them as...




Then why did you ask about Aerith if she got taken from here?




Because that's a plot-point that's never been done before in the fantasy genre, let me tell you.




Uh, thanks for the Name Drop, but we wanted to know about Aerith...




Yeah, that's rather depressing ; ;

Anywho, what was this about Aerith being the last of the who now?




You're not even listening to me, are you?




Nice job on that one, missy!




"Also, that video you rented from us. I think it was called Supple Asses 5 or something..."




"Also, a 'Whore', but that's a completely different matter."




Up until the time where she didn't, yes.




Would that be why Reno and the soldiers were shooting at her in the Church before?




"She's in the oven right now. Gotta eat sometime, y'know?"




No, she was caught because she's the Mary Sue. Humping the protagonist's leg and being kidnapped is all they do.





Because he's about as great a parent as he is thinking of ways to rightfully stand up against Shinra?




Just so long as you don't combine the two.




Well, as long as one of us knows why he can continue being completely negligent and murderous, I suppose...





You two are just ruining my good vibes. I'm outta here!




Well, technically, she only did one thing, but I catch your drift.




"Did you hear that noise? What was that? Oh gosh, why are these people kidnapping me?!"




Aerith has a soft-spot for transvestites with severe psychosis.

Then again, it seems a lot of people in the slums do. It's the new hawt trend.




Right. Back in the oven with you!




So you'll turn into 90% of the people in this series?




"I have to run off and murder people again, alalalalalalalalalalallalalalalala~ I'm the best father ever, shit!"




By frolicking, my dear!




Off we go then!




Oh, wait, she said Wall Market.

Whoopie-daisy~!




"I think I heard the grown-ups call it a... 'multiple homicide victim discovery' or something!"




Not... even going to bother exploring other options, Barret? We're just going to instantly believe that this wire not only takes us directly to where we have to go, but it's also the easiest possible way to get there?

Y'see, this is why Shinra just dropped an entire sector on your scary arse!




Cloud, in his rather rare Voice of Reason mode.




You... that... you.

That was...

I...

You can't...

golden... shiny..... what... I...




I think that broke Cloud's brain enough for him to consider this a good idea as well.




Not Shown: Every player in existence missing leaping onto the bar about 49,328,751 times....




I don't know about you guys, but I get nothing but good and friendly vibes from this place.

Not creepy or ominous at all!