Working as Intended

This is a super long post, even by my weird standards. I was going to end it about 30 or so images earlier, but I just couldn't find a decent enough spot to, so I went, "Stuff it!" and continued on. It doesn't especially matter, but I figure I'd explain it, just in case I appear to be going completely insane by the end.

Not that I was ever particularly sane, but you know.








Right. Back to Garden we go!

But before we do that, there's something that simply has to be covered.




Junctioning.

Outside of the story, Junctioning and Drawing are the two biggest issues I have with this game.

Why, you ask? Well...




If you're unfamiliar with it (you lucky soul), what Junctioning and Drawing are can basically be summed up as you equipping Summons (ie: Guardian Forces), which allow you to 'assign' magic to various stats. They also allow you to use certain abilities, and give you various neat little bonuses here and there. While that doesn't sound too bad, possibly even interesting, it all falls apart when it comes down to the Magic aspect of it.

There are only two major ways to get Magic in this game. Either by refining/breaking down items into spells (I don't get it, either, but that's how it works) or by Drawing the Magic out of enemies. For the beginning parts of the game the only really viable way is the later.

So you're going to have to sit there for hours just Drawing spells out of enemies so you can put them onto your stats. But since Magic is no longer determined by MP, but by how many you're carrying (like items), if you use a spell that's Junctioned onto a stat (which is usually your best ones), you become that much weaker. It leads to a scenario where you have the best spells in the game, but can't use any of them because you'll essentially shoot yourself in the foot.

How long does it take to grab some Magic? Well, let's find out!






That's about... half of the footage I recorded of me just drawing the first three spells in the game from a monster just outside of Balamb Garden. While I doubt the game designers ever expected you to just stand there and Draw 100 spells from everything, if you don't you're going to have to Draw still in practically every single fight you come across for a good while, just to keep up. Especially if you level, since monster stats shoot up with every level by larger bounds than anyone in your party.

The system is time consuming and almost hilariously broken. It has some nice ideas, but I honestly can't see how anyone at Squaresoft could've looked at this and gone, "Yup! This will never get old!"




Anyway, that's enough of that.

The [Fire Cavern] is just to the east of Garden. Onwards!




Charming little place, aint it?




I've already Junctioned, you big silly. Did you not see the giant rant up there?

It's hard to miss. You could practically crash a truck into it!



No, you really won't.



Jesus H. Christ, woman, does Garden pay you by the tutorial or something?




Yes. Let's.




Are your jobs seriously to just stand out here by a cave all day and wait for Garden students to waltz on by and do a test every so often? That's gotta be a pretty shitty gig. An electronic door could do your job.




I'd go 10 minutes, but I just know I'm going to find a spell in there I need to Draw the crap out of...




Is that what you call them?




Mr. Personality, ladies and gentlemen.




"Maybe I'd be less tense if I wasn't surrounded by fucking lava!"


I wonder if anyone's slipped and fell in? Boy, that'd be awkward to explain...




Told ya.




"... in bed."

Sorry. Couldn't resist.




Again with the pillow talk.




This is Ifrit, the first boss in the game. He might seem pretty intimidating, but a few summons of HAWT!!1!...




Like so.



And he's pretty soundly defeated. Huzzah!




It's nice to sometimes appeal to the little pyromaniac inside everyone.

Or is that just me?

Does any else smell something?




Oh, for God's sake!




I've had two for a while now. Where the hell have you been?




This is the only correct course of action.




One quick and uneventful run back to Garden later~




AURGH!!




Yeah, you better run!




Uh... Creepy.




Hey, thanks! Best of luck to you as w-




GET BACK HERE!




DAMN IT!




AHHHHH




Leave me alone!




Phew! Finally escaped.

Is there anyone even remotely sane around here?




Oh well, time to get changed.

Though Squall, for one brief moment, contemplates defying orders, leaving Garden and following his true calling in life. To live as a mechanic in Balamb Town, maintaining and fixing the two cars this island has, while spending his evenings getting drunk in the local pub. Over time, his closest mechanic friends would come to know him as 'Squalla Ven Enrico', and they'd live their lives with merriment and without regret!

Ah, what could've been....




None too shabby!




"Ladies."



Squall apparently went for a walk off-screen, since he enters this scene from the entrance/exit to Balamb Garden, while the dorms from the previous scene are in the entirely opposite direction!




A group of balanced and professionally-minded individuals?




That's the exact opposite of what I wanted!




'cuse me a second.



OH GOD AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


Okay. Okay.

Proceed.




Squall gives Zell the only correct welcoming.

Aside from a punch to the nadgers.




"No, we're actually best of chums. That's why this morning we were in a well known fight that could've ended with one of us being killed or horribly injur-What the hell do you think?!"




I'm sure you'd know all about pains in the arse.




Quistis, please remember your own lines. This game's gonna get confusing enough as it is!




DUN DUN DUN?




NO WAI




Speak of the devil.




He's gonna need some Blizzaga for that burn!




"You don't get to come to the baby showering!"




Is your definition of teamwork anything like Jayne's Chain of Command?




Then Cid shows up.

He doesn't say anything remotely interesting or snark-worthy, so I'll just save us the trouble!




That's possibly because it's the most stupid and ineffective weapon ever conceived outside of that crossbow that only fires Estonian dwarves.




Squall proceeds to walk off to the entrance/exit of Garden again. Which is interesting, because...




The Car Park is actually right next to the dorms. Whoops!




"At least buy me dinner first."




Nobody likes a man reeking of desperation, Zell.




Dude!




SCROOOOOOGE!




"Your head on a bloody pike. Now shut the fuck up."




Zell, you're in a moving vehicle. Sit the hell down!




At least someone has some brains.




O NO U DI'INT








I was wondering when they'd follow up on this.




You came into the room 3 seconds later and there's only one door!




Oh, Seifer. You so witty!




Squall attempts to show Seifer what's what by throwing the car off a nearby cliff!




But, alas, an invisible wall stops him.




Ah well, back to Balamb,




No, it's the Trabian international synchronized swimming team in their new outfits.



Insane. Care to join me?




Yes, m'am.




Wheeeee!




One boring exposition session later, Squall finds himself riding towards the battle zone for his SeeD test.

There, I just saved us five minutes of banter.




"Yup, that's an arrow, alright!"




"This ones for all you ladies out there. Awww yeah."




"Uh, Steve? You're about to hit the wall.... Steve?!"



"OW JESUS FUCK. STEVE!"




We're on it like a stoner on a welfare check!




Oooh boy, this is awkward. Yeah, it turns out they scheduled the invasion for tomorrow.

I know..




Actually, this brings up a good point. Garden students are coming to this battle between Galbadia and Dollet for their final exam, right? So.. what happens when there isn't a war going on? Several students at Garden made reference to recently becoming SeeD, so they must've done something as well. We never hear of any other struggles in the VIII world before this (at least until we go back about 15+ years), so.. what? Are their tests incredibly easy, and this group just has shitty timing?

This is my problem with VIII. It has some nice idea and some good set-pieces, but if you think about them for more than five minutes it all comes crumbling down.




"Your mothers wear combat boots!"




I have to say I agree with the hot-dog eating spaz over here.

And that means I have to cry.




Can do!




TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, YOU TRAITOROUS CANINE!




wut




I think Seifer's developed Ocean Madness.

The fact that he's on land only adds to the insanity.




Shortly after Seifer's Little Episode, some Galbadian soldiers run by!




By the writers themselves, I dare say it's the plot!

Let's get to it!




Oh, shut up, Zell. You're not helping anybody.




See, even the main character agrees. Let's press onward with Seifer's insane plan!



"... in bed."

I can't help it that the writer's made that joke so damn easy!




See?




Onwards!

And, oh dear lord, is that moon huge!




The mother of all keggers. School year nearly over and all.




"They ran out of Bacardi. Now all the idiots are taking the good drinks!"




Actually, it's just a boss battle against a random serpent-like mob. He's pretty weak, so I killed him using Seifer's rarely seen Limit Break. It's rather spiffy!




Nobody likes a gatecrasher, Seifer.




LIKE, OH MAH GAWD, PUH-LEASE. SRSLY?!




A spontaneous recital of Threepenny Opera.

It happens.




You answered your own question, numbnuts.




Unless your dream doesn't involve battles. Or involves avoiding them at all costs.




Goddamn, you're pushy.

You're like the incredibly weird and overly eager kid that acts like he's everyone's best friend, and gets all creepily personal, despite not even really knowing them for more than five minutes.




Seifer's had enough of Zell's shit and wisely walks away.

Smartest thing anyone's done in this game.



VOICE OF GOD! VOICE OF GOD!




"No, wait, it's just some random chic-HOLY CRAP IT'S YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!"




A messenger of death?




Yes, because that's the sane thing to scream out in the middle of a war!

One person that's remotely balanced. That's all I'm askin'.




The 17 year old schoolgirl who is freakishly obsessed with festivals cleared the jump.

Stop being such a pansy!




EXTREME AIR!!! - 500 POINTS




That was the worst jump ever. Of all time.




"LISTEN!"




He might be a bit batshit, but Seifer knows when to correctly leave a scene.




Considering in the next sequence he doesn't come up until after you guys, I'm gonna assume he's in the tower bathroom, crying while punching the mirror.

I don't know why.




Says the man who can't even stay still while in a fucking vehicle.




This is Biggs and Wedge. Their entire purpose in this game is to be as hi-lariously incompetent as humanly possible.

Also, considering they're at the top of the tower, and the giant satellite dish hasn't been put up yet, would it really be that fucking hard for them just to tilt their heads up slightly and see for themselves? Also, who the fuck filed the report? The people on the tower?

Oh, those wacky guys~!




Cue boss battle once we reach the top!

Biggs apparently has Double or something on him, but the pace of the battle is too damn slow for me to sit here for 20 minutes Drawing spells for everyone like hell I'm going to bother. Also, since Selphie is here, I now have to redraw older spells again for her. Oh, I'm so happy I might just put a revolver to my temple!




I think that's taking the concept of this game sucking way too literally.




Actually, it's that monster that was just mentioned. Apparently he was just hovering about 10 feet above everyone the entire time. You'd think someone would've noticed that!

Also, the monster carries Siren, a new GF for the group. Bosses tend to do this sometimes, so you've gotta keep Draw on at least one person at all times. Also, he too has a new spell. Hoo-fuckity-ray!




After a strategy that can only be described as, "Summon GFs with reckless abandon while Zell takes all the damage, because he's a douche-canoe", the monster explodes! As monsters in JRPGs and privy to do.




SCROOOOOOOOOOOGE




"Our dress-code isn't living up to Nomura's standards. Put this belt all over your face!"




"Three days? That's tomorrow! We gotta get going."




"It's not like we're in a rush or anything!"




I smell hijinks~




Eh, that thing doesn't look so bi-




OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE




There's an angle to this fight. This bastard will keep getting up and chase you all the way to the shore. You have to do at least 1,000 HP damage to him to make him collapse, so you can try and run away before he leaps on you.

Needless to say, this gets kind of annoying after a while.




"HEY! GET BACK HERE YOU CUNT-HAMMOCKS"




o shi-




"Curse my ability to pratfall at the worst possible moments!"




"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT JOINING THE GARDEN FESTIVAL, BITCH!"




Crap! Crap! Crap! Running! Running! Running! Running!




"With my last breath, I curse Zoidburrrrrrg!"




Holy shit, that's awesome!

I take back everything I said about your crappy tutorials!



Almost.




BLAMMO!




"On second thought, let's not go to Dollet. It is a silly place."




Aside from the constant life-threatening situations, giant mechanical spiders and Zell, it was pretty rockin'.




But you didn't do anything.




At least someone has something nice to say!




Why would I buy souvenirs for a town we've been living alongside for years now?

I do like the sound of that review meeting, though.
"Seifer: Batshit insane, but he dissed Zell. Overall? A+"
"Selphie: You weren't there long, bu-NO I WILL NOT JOIN THE GARDEN FESTIVAL!"
"Zell: Hahahahahahahahaha.  Ahhhhhhhh.                      Get out."
"Squall: Super S Class A++++. Keep on being awesome!"




Again? You mean he's done this before?

Also, I wouldn't go talking about ego, Mr. I Can't Go Five Seconds Without Starting a Punching Match.




Fuck convention. I say we skip!

Daresay, perhaps even frolic!




This is the weirdest looking inn I've ever seen.

Also, how dangerous is that corner? It leads to the harbour, so a fair few cars come this way. I wonder how many have misjudged their timing and flung themselves into the ocean below? It's a goddamn death-trap!




Indeed I will!

Until next time~