Working as Intended

Well, y'know, it's only been.... What? Eight/Nine months since the last entry? It's still relevant!

Since that pesky thing known as the non-Internet has finally calmed down a bit, and I've stopped being incredibly lazy, now's as good a time as any to wrap up some of the Let's Play series I abandoned all those months ago. However, this one comes with a twist! Which actually isn't all that shocking, since the image above kinda-sorta spoils it.

I've ditched the regular Final Fantasy XII that the filthy peasant class likes to parade around like so many diseases and have picked up the gloriously resplendent International Zodiac Job System edition. Which, despite the 'International' in its name, was only ever released in Japan. The IZJS comes with many new gameplay quirks and fixes a lot of the issues the original game had, but more on that later!

I'm playing a fan-translated version of the game, since while the audio is in English, the subtitles and menus were all in Japanese. The text, at least for the menus and cutscenes, is directly taken from the English version of XII, except with a different font in the cutscenes. Incredible, I know!

Anyway, with explanations out of the way, let's jump back in, shall we?









When we last left Vaan Ratsbane and his crew of Actually Relevant Characters, they had been thrown into the Nalbina dungeons for all kinds of zany reasons that nobody really cares about. Inside they encounter Basch, who has been chained up there ever since the Empire announced his execution many years ago. Vaan, not willing to go a single cutscene without acting like a huge prat, chucked a massive hissy-fit over Basch killing his tutorial-traversing brother and then everyone fell down into a giant dungeon, as tends to happen to us all from time to time.

After figuring out the dungeon's gimmick, Basch explains that he never killed Vaan's poncy brother and sold out Dalmasca to the Empire; it was actually his identical twin brother that did. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN!! With that explained, possibly, the group escaped the dungeon, Basch reunited with the resistance who were trying to find Amalia and Fran and Balthier went to the pub to get drunk.

Oh, and Penelo gets kidnapped at some point, because it's a Final Fantasy game and a woman must always get kidnapped.

So now we're off to find Penelo!

This is the only time she's ever particularly relevant to the story, the poor dear.





Hey, a lunch that only costs you getting kidnapped is still free!





"I'm not important enough to know the main characters, damn it!"





Yes, because that's totally Balthier's doing. Yup.

Not at all him being forced into it by an annoying little dickcheese who just wouldn't shut up.





It will in about an hour, when Penelo's pushed into the background so fast it'll be make your bondage gear chafe.




"Aw, but I do so enjoy the killing...."





Some Guy accidentally let's slip his sordid past at an escort agency.





MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY





Yes, because Basch just always struck me as being a massive gossip-whore.





Remember - no Russian...






OH NOES!





O...kay. Kinda creepy....

That kid's definitely going to develop a complex.





"THOSE CHILD-GRABBING CLASSES WERE WORTH EVERY PENNY"





NPC Chat Time is over. Now is the time for rushing out into purgatory!





Just in case all that sky didn't tip you off.





Ah, yes, the obligatory Town Dungeon.

Oh, what gimmicks lie in store for us? I can hardly wait!





DAMN! BUSTED!

Quick, Vaan, leap off the edge! It's the only wait to escape!





Sorry, kid. We've already got the obligatory effeminate teenage male with us. You'll have to find another party.





"Oh, there is no errand. It... It just get so lonely up here, you know?"





We're... just going to let him come with us, with absolutely no explanation?

You're not helping my trying to avoid the Yaoi-Bait thing, Balthier!





NOT. HELPING.





"Plotski McNotUseless. Yours?"






Nice save.

Not suspicious at all.





So, not yours then?





What did Balthier just say?!









Let's just go...





"It's not the size - it's how you use it!"





A woman after my own heart.





GOOD DAY, SIR AND/OR MADAM. I REQUIRE YOUR FINEST STABBING INSTRUMENTS POST-HASTE!





*one quick orgy of spending later~*

Right. Back to the plot!





There's something wrong with this picture, but I can't put my finger on it...

Ah, of course!





Get out.





That's better!





And then we walk head-first into a wall of exposition. Ouch!





FOR THE EMPAHRAH!!





Would one of those exceptions be 'we have an amarda of warships, let us the hell in'?





MEANWHILE, IN THE MINES

SORT OF





Vayne is adamant nobody discovers his shipment of Gigantic Asses Monthly.





Uh... I'm not interrupting something between you two, am I?

Also, why are there two soldier's watc---OH GOD





So it's a lover's spat, is it?





. . . .





That's it, I'm outta here.





"You wouldn't believe the kinky stuff he's into."





So he likes being in the middle, doe--Actually, I'm gonna stop. I'm starting to feel vaguely ill.





The other nations just, like, totally don't get him at all, like, you know? I mean, cha!





OR SO THE LEGENDS FORTOLD





"Do they say 'shut up, you little brat'?"

"..... Maybe.."






"Oh, you know. Just some guy. BROTHER TO... Uh, I mean. Joe!"





Yeah! Who needs explanations and story when we have a tedious dungeon to explore!





Mo' liek Poo-su Mines.... Yeah!

OH SHUT UP





The time for explanations has come!

One of the biggest changes to the Zodiac Job System edition of XII is, funnily enough, the addition of the Zodiac Job System. Unlike the original XII, where everyone could learn everything, IZJS completely removes the universal License Grid in favour of splitting it up into twelve (GET IT??) separate ones for each new class.

You can only pick one class for each character to focus on for the entire game, so choose wisely!





Once you pick a class for a character, the License Grid is pretty similar to XII. You get LP from defeating enemies and you spend it here on new abilities/armour/spells/ect. With the cast unable to take on any and all roles at any given time, the game becomes a lot more challenging and (especially the optional fights) focuses quite a bit more on strategy and party set up. There's no specific roles you need in a party, but the age old setup of Tank/Damage Dealer/Healer always works wonders.

For the curious, the classes in the IZJS are:

Monk - Uses bare-fists and/or staffs to inflict damage. Grid focuses on HP and physical damage boosts.
Knight - Classic tank. Uses sword and shield and gains quick access to HP boosting grids.
Red Mage - Jack of all trades. Has access to Time/Black/White/Arcane and Green magic. It casts the spells well.
Machinist - Uses guns as their primary weapon and has access to Charm, Steal and some Time Magic.
Uhlan - A Dragoon without Jump, basically. Lots of raw power, uses Polearms and stabs things really good.
White Mage - Gains access to more healing spells and faster than any other job. Limited offensive capabilities.
Hunter - Uses Ninja Swords and Daggers to deal weak, but consistent damage.
Samurai - Has access to Gil Toss and uses Katanas and mystic armour to deal quick damage.
Black Mage - Casts the spells that make the peoples fall down.
Archer - Have access to Charm, Bows and very limited White Magic. Ranged damage dealer. Duh.
Breaker - A Dark Knight without black magic. Uses axes and abilities to try and OHKO an enemy.
Time Mage - Uses crossbows as weapons and focuses on spells like Haste, Reflect, Slow, ect.

I have Vaan as a Knight, Balthier as a Red Mage, Fran as a Monk, Penelo as a White Mage and Basch as a Uhlan. Not entirely sure what I'm going to make our lucky last party member when they appear, but that's something we can worry about later. Onwards!





The Lhusu Mines, occasional pretty view aside, is a pretty bog-standard dungeon. There's no outstanding gimmick to the place, outside of some hidden traps that'll damage your party, but there are a lot of mobs that want to tear your face off. Skeletons in particular, which can pack quite a punch if you're not prepared for them.

Right, that's enough boring blah-de-blahs for now. Let's get back to the plot!





"Yup, this is dirt alright. Welp, I'm satisfied. We can head back now!"





Of course! I should have known! It's a.... thing?





Well, that just clears up everything for me. How about you?





Manufacted nethicite is the result of manufacturing nethicite? What a world!





"(My plot importancy senses are tingling!)"





So... his errand was to bring made nethicite to a place they make nethicite to make sure they make nethicite here?

..... Okay?





"Meet me in my chamber after sunset. I'll bring the wine."





Again with the not helping, Balthier.





I know it sounds like a place a Batman villain would hang out.





Lamont's facial expression adds an air of wrongness to this whole thing.





The plot's lost its patience and decided to take matters into its own hands.





Oh yeah! Kinda forgot about him for a while there.

He's the one holding Pegallo or whatever her name is, right?





Well any thinking ill befits him, really.





Now, and just hear me out on this one, it's purely hypothetical, but.... do we have to?





That... doesn't sound so bad at all.

They fed her, apparently quite well since they mention she ate a lot, and then they just let her go when the person they're looking for arrives. Sounds rather sporting of them, actually!





BUT ENOUGH OF THAT. THE TIME FOR RUNNING HAS COMMENCED!





Whoop-whooooop-whoopwhoop-whoop!





Technically you can stay and fight these guys, but unless you're very well prepared for a hard fight, it's best to take the game's recommendation and RUN LIKE HELL





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA





Once again, fleeing like a coward and wetting myself has paid off!






... and then, despite being in the cutscene, we have to revive Balthier afterwards.

Because game/story segregation is silly~!





Why, Lamont doesn't need a cortege at all. He's just a perfectly normal and innocent citizen!

Why would you even suggest such a thing? Oh, you!





SHOCK AND GASP!!





Wow. That's some real cool stealth you have going on there, Vaan.





So she was fed, let free and got a free Imperial escort out?

Lucky bitch!





"IT IS! OFF WITH HER HEAD!"





"THEN OFF WITH YOUR HEAD TOO! MY RIDICULOUSLY ADORNED HELMET DEMANDS SACRIFICE!!"





"... Especially if we only need the one bed. Wink, wink."

"Yeah, okay. So..."

"Hint, hint, eh? Catch my drift?"

"Yes, I get it!"





Why not, indeed!





"Excellent. Head-choppings for all then, eh?"





"S.. Someone actually listened to me! Oh, if this helmet wouldn't rust I'd be crying right now."





Finding someone better to hang out with than you. Good for her, I say!





"Why, I'm so mad I could expose my ribs!"





IT'S A SPACE STATION!





Ponciest name to ever ponce about the great poncing plains of Poncanthia.





The other two sons, Barry and Psychedelic Funk, were disowned from the family after an unfortunate blender accident.






It's funny because everyone knows Vaan is useless with women!





FOR MIDDLE-EARTH!!

Sorry. His name just has that effect.





You could always just walk up to him and say 'hi'.

Just sayin'.





Yeah, they've been doing a great job of that so far...





Now this is something I don't get. Maybe it's explained later and I just forgot, but if you're going to announce his execution and you have him chained up in one of your prisons.... why not just execute him? Seems like it'd solve a whole mess of trouble.





I'd say they can join the club, but I guess they sorta already did that.





I dunno, Basch is a pretty swell guy.

Now, if someone announced Zell was killed and it turned out to be false, I certainly wouldn't be thrilled.







How 'bout no.





Nope. I know where this is going, game, and you can't make me!

I'm just going to end the LP right here.





Now.





Okay, fine! I'll press the stupid button!





And, lo, a meme was born.

And part of me just died.





"What the hell was that?"

"Hell if I know dude, I think it was coming from that moron over there..."

"Is he one of them 'special' kids?"





I think you're a goddamn spaz, that's what.





Hah.





"Captain Asstard, away!!"





If you just watched the video, then I am deeply sorry you had to experience that. It's a ritual for all who go through XII.

I could tell you what the mini-game involves, but I doubt anyone really cares after that display.

Let us move on and never speak of it again.





Oh, thank god. I was wondering when the firing squad would arrive.





If Square can't be bothered giving NPCs names, then I'll do it for 'em!





Why indeed....





Even the characters in the game want to know what the developers were smoking.





Nobody would do business with a man whose name sounds suspiciously like Hamtaro.







Balthier waltzes into a hideout full of people who could very easily kill him and just insults them all.

Because that's the kind of classy and awesome guy he is.





Y'know, if you wanted the people here to discover that Basch is alive, couldn't he just waltz around town until they discovered him? Wouldn't take long, given how small the place is.

No, wait, then our brains couldn't have been scarred for life by a soul-retching mini-game. My mistake!





MEANWHILE, FAR AWAY FROM THE PLOT





Yeah, I'm disappointed too.





"Oh god no! Just let those guys kidnap me again. Anything but that!"





You and everyone else in this game, but do go on, you lovable little scamp.





Is it the whole 'imprisoning and oppression' thing? It's the imprisoning and oppression, isn't it?





DUN DUN DU-Wait, we already knew that.

Damn. Wasted a perfectly good dun-dun and everything...





Pfthahahahahaha!

Good job so far, skippy.





I'm sure the Empire would know all about the Right.

HEY-O!





"Like, this one time, a stupid peasant city wanted its rights back, so my brother burnt their city and killed them all by himself! Hahahaha! Aahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaaaaaa... Right. Probably not helping. Sorry."





"My brother's not that bad a guy. Really."

"Who cares about your brother!? I'm talking about Vaan. Please don't make me go back!"





It's a war. Loss and suffering kinda happen on both sides, y'know?

Well, unless your side royally sucks...





"I have to go to the bathroom really bad, alright? I want you to cover your ears and for god's sake don't start sniffing!"







I never understood this argument. 'You can trust me because I say you can' doesn't solve the problem of the person not trusting what you're saying! Not that it matters, since Penelo's kind of a dope, but whatever.





MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PLOT





"Actually, I'd like the last few hellish years of my life back, but your thing is good too I guess."




"YOU WILL NOT DULL MY TRIUMPH!"





Excellent. See ya!





Before we advance the plot, there's a nice, challenging optional fight you can undertake.

Thankfully, I know just where to find the guy!





And now we wait....





"<Protect> IN 5 SECONDS!!!!!! <call2>"

"Why don't you cast Protectga? It saves MP."

"omg wut protecga??? CAN U GIBE ME IT???"

"Oh my god..."





If you decide to take on the rather Leviathan-looking Nidhogg when he's first available, you're in for a very difficult fight. He's considered to be one of the toughest battles in the first few hours of the game by a wide margin. He hits like a truck, has enough durability to make a tank jealous, and is just an all-round asshole.

Casting Slow really helps, if you can stick it. Protect is highly recommended, and try to keep away from the bats and skeletons standing around in the right tunnel, as they can link pretty easily. When he gets down to about 10% health he'll start hitting you 3-5 times in a row, which can often KO a less bulky character. I didn't have a Knight here (since that'd involve using Vaan and everything) but Fran on Monk, when she could get the stupid Nidhogg to target her, took the hits like a champ.





ADABURK DROP???


Okay, okay. That was the last XI joke, I promise.





Right. Back to the plot, chaps!





UM.... SUDDENLY! AT NIGHT!





Of Dalmasca! Don't forget that!





HA HA

HOW AWKWARD





Well, look on the bright side. Better a metaphorical sword than a real one!

Though, knowing Vayne, he's probably got one of those too.





Except for the whole 'not actually killing Basch' thing, sure.





And what? Don't look at me. I don't know what the hell's going on!





Oh! I know this one! It's... um... d'oooh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Allama! Wait... Anastasia! No... Damn it!





That's it! Thank you.

Yeah, good ol' Malaria.





Well... yeah, that's why she's called the leader, dingus.





I'm sure you consider all sorts of positions, you sick little monkey.





Oh dear. Do I sense an impending Estrogen Bait Beta Male standoff?





"I'm sure he's already 'rejoined' your friend's 'detachment', if you get what I mean?"

"No... N-Not really."





So we came all this way to save Penelo, only to find out we have to go all the way back?

That's some circuitous crap right there!





Suddenly: Airships. THOUSANDS OF THEM!!





"What's your opinion on being double-crossed by someone you sort of trust?"

"Uh... Why?"

"Oh. No reason! Nooooooo reason at all~"





"Mr. Ondore, you're trying to seduce me."







"Get it!? I'm making fun of your being imprisoned again after just breaking out. Oh, what a card I am! The guys at the Christmas party always say that I should get into comedy, but y'know... I-I'm just too stage frightened. You know how it is. Well, not anymore you won't! Haha! Two in a row~!"









Woo! Time to kick some ass!





... or maybe not.





Mo' liek Judge..... Jerk!






Yeah!





MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MI-... Hey, it actually is this time.

Huh.





"God! Why don't they ever just consider what I want, hmmm? All I want to do is murder and oppress them a little, but nooooo, they're all like rebellious and stuff! What's that about?!"






"I've heard they might be setting up a Facebook account any day now. It'll be viral within a week, I fear."





"Personally, I blame the fashion sense there. Nobody should wear so many belts so low! It's against nature!"





"... This is going to completely render my anti-Bhujerba rant pointless, isn't it?"

"Little bit."





"Now all we need is an explanation for why someone devised a cage that conveniently drops a prisoner out of the prison..."





"Or my foot, if I'm feeling a little sassy. I have these stabbing swords too. Those might work. Whatever."





"Any... particular reason why I need to know all that, sir?"

"No. I just felt like sharing it, is all."

"Okay..."





"I'm the only one in this room, you didn't need to address me personally."

"I'll undress you however I want!"

"'Address.'"

"What?"

"You meant to say address, sir."

"Oh. Well shit, what'd I say?"





A simple 'goodbye' would work fine too, ya jerk!






Writing Tip #0334: If you can't find a reasonable way to put foreshadowing into your story, just have a character start blurting it out for seemingly no reason at all!





"Been up to much killing and oppressing yet, eh?"

"No! Stupid world and it's 'War Crimes'... Bah!"





Okay, if this game is going to turn into the Fantasy equivalent of the Star Wars prequels, I'm just going to end it right here.





"Well maybe I have a dagger for their backs? Or maybe FIFTY SEVEN OF THEM! AHAHAHAHAHA!"





Maybe this is a weird time to bring it up, but what in the world is up with Vayne's hair?

It's like a comb-over, only he combed it over the wrong side.




Elsewhere, and apparently many hours later, the group finds itself in a sticky situation!

One that'll never be repeated ever again.

Will our heroes be able to free themselves from the Empire!?

What will happen to Larsa and Penelo!?

Just what the darn was up with that creepy-ass Half-Lion-Man dude from before!?

Well, you'll just have to wait until next time, won't ya?

Or you could play the game yourselves. I won't tell you how to live your lives. Leave me alone!