Working as Intended

Well this is certainly not what I was expecting to next do an entry of!

Then again, with my incredible laziness I'm generally not expecting to do the next of anything, so there's that.

The Sims and I have a very strange history. It's a game that I actually have quite a bit of fun with, and usually rush out to buy the games/expansion packs the day they're released, but then I get bored within about a week or two of playing and just drop it like a bad habit made of lava until the next expansion comes out, then the whole wonderful/expensive cycle begins anew!

I haven't played The Sims 3 since just after the World Adventures expansion was released. Since then the gigantic money printing facility inside of EA known as Maxis have managed to bring out three more expansions and god knows how many DLC item packs and whatever inbetween. I've got them all now, and when I went to boot the game up, a friend asked why don't I do a stupid little Let's Play about the whole thing? Well, why not, indeed!

This will probably be a short LP, to keep it from dragging out and to stop me from getting bored and then never finishing the darn thing. I'll be lightly nudging my lovely little Sims in certain directions to progress in whatever stupid narrative I can concoct, but all the interactions within will be left up to the wonderful whims of the in-game Free Will mechanic. If I were a man to slap arbitrary numbers onto anything, I'd say the LP will be most likely 15% me nudging my Sims to do something and 80% observing what the game does with that. The last 5% will most likely be the game crashing or glitching out, as tends to happen. A lot.

Okay? Okay.

Let us begin!








The town of Sunset Valley! First neighbourhood released in the game. Still the only one worth a damn.
Population: Way too low to realistically sustain itself. Hooray!





Joining us on this whimsical tour in which, if my past experiences playing The Sims is any indication, will end with everyone dying in a gigantic fire or having a heavenly body fall and plaster them all over the ground, is the Zard family~

Utilizing the mystical power of 'I just hit Random until a semi-decent character popped up', the head of the Zard family is Moon. Whose parents I can only assume still live in a bungalow hippy community somewhere in the swamps of Oregon.





Next up is Rockabuck Zard, the apparent offspring of a circus sideshow sword-swallower and the flea-infested chimpanzee he fell in love with one cold, lonely winter evening. Despite sharing the same surname, Rockabuck doesn't appear to be related to Moon or her offspring. I'm sure this has some level of significance,  but we can worry about that when the next lonely evening rolls on by.

Next!





The oldest of Moon's offspring is Zap, a young teen the game decided to give a fedora hat to, so I have no choice but to make him squirm his way into the police force one day. I'm sure he probably wants to be an artist or something, but, Zap, my hands are tied. Think about that the next time you're randomly generated!





And finishing off the introductions is Giddy, an evil, rebellious girl who, two seconds after spawning into the game, decided to immediately run out into the middle of the street and nearly get mowed down by an oncoming vehicle. This would make her the most intelligent member of the family, then.





The Zard residence is, by far, the smallest residential block in the entire neighbourhood. Despite moving into this tiny squalor that would even make an ant feel claustrophobic, the family only has $5000 (or Simoleons, if you want to be all haughty-taughty about it) to its name. And it aint much of a name, let me tell you.





While I'm sure they're all super sane and charming people, charisma doesn't put food on the table, except the tables of debt collectors, so it's time for Moon to find herself a job!

I asked Rockabuck to look as the newspaper as well for a career, but apparently he took this as a suggestion to completely ignore me and make funny faces at Moon. Well, guess who's gonna be mooching off the sidewalks of Sunset Valley in a few weeks, bub!





Elsewhere in the house, Zap plays a pulse-pounding game of Pre-Rendered Looping Clips of Burnout Paradise.





A fact that apparently worries him something fierce.





Moon's aspirations, aside from wanting to make Waffles every waking moment of the game for reasons well beyond my level of understanding, is to become the world's greatest athlete! With this in mind, I set her up under a career that'll help achieve that very thing. Unfortunately, one of Moon's traits is that she's Clumsy, so I'm expecting her to partake in the Olympics one day and do a pratfall so catastrophic that it takes out every other racer on the field. And possibly the audience.

I'm nothing if not ambitious in my virtual schadenfreude.





Not long after Moon finds herself a fancy little job, some neighbours come to greet the newest family in the ol' valley.





Rockabuck gives them a warm, heart-felt welcoming.





Then pulls off a look that can only be described as the Supermodel Runway Pose While Smelling Onions and Being Constipated.





Feeling apparent pangs of guilt, Rockabuck tries to make up for his rude welcome by flirting with our poor guest.





When this gesture obviously falls flat, he instead opts to start constantly slapping the hell out of him.





The guests wisely decide now is the time to run as far away from this demented abode as humanly possible.

Run! Run while you still can!





"Everything went better than expected!"





Elsewhere, far away from parent supervision, little Giddy is... well, making friends better than Rocka', that's for sure.





She then spends the entire afternoon being way to enthusiastic about riding the pirate swingamajig.





Apparently satisfied with the way he handled meeting the neighbours, Rockabuck happily sits down and discusses proper fire safety techniques and appliances with....





Um. Okaaaaaaaay then.





While I'm sure discussing fires with himself is a wonderful past-time, it was honestly starting to creep me out a bit, so I decide to point Rockabuck in the general direction of the nearest park and let him mingle with the neighbours. Plus, if I left him to his own devices, I'm sure he'd find someway to set the house ablaze before I knew what the hell.





At the local park, Rockabuck sees a woman he happens to find quite attractive.

How do I know?





Oh, just call it a hunch.





Despite all previous personality displays, he actually manages to greet her in a mature and civil manner!  :O





And even brags about his house!

... Which might go over a bit better if the minuscule little matchbox hovel wasn't immediately behind him, but whatever.





But, of course, such moments of sanity are rapidly fleeting.





Before the poor girl can even react to the escaped mental patient/shaved chimpanzee currently standing in front of her, Rockabuck pulls out a bunch of flowers from some location I'm quite glad to remain ignorant about.

Although, he has to pay for those flowers, so that's even more money drained from the family account. Yay!





"OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE FLOWERS!!!"





Unfortunately, it turns out that his lovely girlfriend-in-the-making is actually already taken.

This confuses him!





Completely missing the point, Rockabuck then goes on to ask Whatsherface out on a date.

But, even more worringly...





She says yes!





For reasons beyond my understanding, and apparently the game's as well, the two don't actually jump in the same vehicle and drive to the restaurant. Or maybe it's because Whatsherface doesn't want a filthy peasant ruining the seat of the car mummy and daddy spent an entire day's pay on! Like, oh mah gawd.

Instead, poor Rockabuck has to take his own car.





Or, alternatively, just spends the evening playing on the swings.

T... That also works?





Eventually he remembers the date and runs off with great haste!





Whatsherface is less than amused by these antics, but, hey, a date's a date, right?

Logic that might make sense if she wasn't already in a relationship, but who am I to judge these things?





And, so, they dine on into the night~!





MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY, MOON IS FORCED TO COOK DINNER

IT CONSISTED OF BURNT SPAGHETTI AND PROBABLY BURNT ICE CREAM SOMEHOW

IT WASN'T VERY GOOD





Meanwhile, back at the park, Giddy continues to go on unsupervised and begins her reign of terror and destruction over the puny and pathetic lesser beings!





Also, this park is bizarrely, if not downright creepily, overpopulated with adults at all times.

Or maybe this is what actual parental supervision looks like.





Meanwhile, yet again, back where we originally were in the first place, the date has apparently gone off without a hitch!

Either that or, far more likely, Whatsherface has discovered Rockabuck has the mental capacity of an eroded brick and has just given back his flowers under the guise of a 'gift'. You craft devil, you!





As the two rather cutely go to sit down and chat the evening away, a random... cowboy... guy walks about and apparently starts thinking about dear old Whatsherface. Maybe that's her other boyfriend or something, I don't know. All I know is...





... that Rockabuck can apparently read minds and has a few choice words to say to That Guy.

Apparently about toothpaste.

Well... alrighty then!





The conversation goes as civilly as you'd expect.





CHEESE IT!





As the two sit back down to stargaze and end up just staring and pointing excitedly at some nearby shrubbery, it becomes clear that they're clearly meant for each other! I was about to say because lord knows nobody else wants them, but, yeah, Whatsherface's boyfriend.

That's probably going to be an awkward moment in the near future.






At this point it's well into the morning and everyone else is already slumbering away in the Land of Dreams.

Also known as the Place Where We Aren't Poor And Aren't Living With A Deranged Psychotic.





Speaking of said psychotic, the date has gone off wonderfully! But, alas, Whatsherface has to return home now. Presumably to be two-faced to someone else, but that's me being logical judgmental again. Bad!

With the date and evening now well and truly spent, Rockabuck decides to head on home and get some sleep.





At least that's what entered his thought process for all of two seconds before he deduced that dancing like a creepy bastard in a nearby rave club was a lot more entertaining for all concerned.





And by concerned, I mean 'they are deeply concerned about the man in a tuxedo on the dance floor talking into his hands about llamas at four o' clock in the morning'.





As dawn approaches, Rockabuck tucks himself in for a long, well-deserved sleep. Awwww~





While the man of the household is off dozing like an idiot on a park bench in the middle of town, Moon tries to keep her family together by serving up a nice bowl of presumably and inexplicably burnt cereal.





OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING





And then, and I'm honestly not kidding, about twenty minutes after the kids left for school both Moon and Rockabuck ran into a nearby subway terminal (added for Late Night, I think) and then the game said they were on holidays for two days.

Parents of the year, everybody!

Also, one small detail, I don't want you to worry about it or anything, but...





MOON LEFT THE GODDAMN OVEN ON

FOR CEREAL

I MEAN WHAT THE JESUSDJSAFUC-





Thankfully, one of the first and only things I bought for the family was a fire alarm, so the proper authorities rush to scene a good hour after the fire started. I'm sure if Rockabuck were here and not mysteriously on vacation for two days because the game just up and felt like it, he'd be proud of the fire safety measures displayed here this morning!





BLAZING JUSTICE!!





And, so, the house is (somewhat) saved thanks to the dutiful fire brigade.

My salutations to you, you overly late, ineffectual Sim society service!





Completely unaware of the fact that their house just caught on fire and, indeed because, their parents have mysteriously run away for a vacation with absolutely no warning, not even to the person actually playing the stupid game, Zap and Giddy finish their first day of school.

But before Zap can head home, the school asks him to stay back longer to help fix the broken mechanics in the basement. Despite sounding like the plot to a bad high-school horror movie/snuff film, I accept the school's challenge because the household really needs the money promised.

QUEST ACCEPTED, YOU POTENTIAL BASEMENT DWELLING AXE MURDERER





Elsewhere, away from the axe murderin', little Giddy brings a friend home from school with her.





A decision she immediately regrets.

But probably not as much as the regret of having her parents as, well... parents.





WHAT THE

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE





HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE

SHOO!

SHOO!





While, um.... that goes on in the household, Zap spends his evening after fixin' doing his homework.

NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD






"Hey, sis, I'm home. Anything interesting happen today?"





"Probably not. Man, I'm hungry. I should probably cook dinner, but I feel that something is amiss here..."





"Whatever. I'm going to bed. Night."





"...Uh-huh. Sure. Everything you said was right. Yup."





LATER, ON THE NEXT MORROW





With the parents still gone for one more day, and the kids being at school, not a single damn interesting thing happens between 9am and 3pm. So, now, we join our future gravefillers heroes Definitely Interesting People as school ends of the day.

Zap has been asked to go over to a friends place. Well, it probably wasn't so much 'asked' as it was 'OH GOD HELP ME MY PARENTS HAVE ABANDONED ME WHAT THE HELL MAN SERIOUSLY OH GOD'.





Future abandonment issues aside, Zap spends the evening dancing in front of his friend's little boom box.

aw yeah braek it down





Meanwhile, Giddy also performs a task for the school in the afternoon. Which means it might be a decent enough time to explain what the Opportunity system is, for those two people in the world that don't own The Sims 3. In a nutshell, they're basically like quests. One will occasionally pop up for a Sim if the circumstances are right, and if you fulfill the requirements you get recognition and some sort of reward.

Giddy's opportunity was to walk across the road after school and drop off some mail at City Hall.

HOW THRILLING!!





Elsewhere, Zap and his friend occupy the evening by... uh, having a girl's pillow fight?

Odd choice of activities for two male teenagers, to be sure. But, hey, whatever floats their boat.





This weird choice is quickly followed up by Zap apparently asking his friend about the concept of love, or something.

Well, you know, Zap. Teenagers are at that age where they fi--





Oh.

OH.





Aw, crikey, it's the rozzers!

They must have detected the raging levels of Turbo Gay coming from the premises!





Or it's because Zap is technically out after curfew. Either way.

Your lust for after-school tonsil hockey will have to wait until tomorrow, my friend!





"Hey, big brother! You're ho--"

"NO I DID NOT SPEND MY EVENING SEXUALLY EXPERIMENTING WITH A MALE CLASSMATE THAT I JUST MET YESTERDAY WHY WOULD YOU IMPLY THAT"

"I... didn't?"

"WELL GOOD NEITHER DID I. I AM NOW GOING TO DIGEST AND FEEL NOURISHED"

"..... Um?"

"AND BY DIGEST I MEAN FOOD ALRIGHT WHAT ELSE WOULD I MEAN WHAT IS YOUR DEAL! GOODNIGHT!"





THE FOLLOWING MORNING

AGAIN





Well, well, well! Look who finally decided to come back home!

I hope you two realize the utter chaos you've created while you've been going all "Ooh-la-la! Look at me! I'm on vacation with no warning and leaving our children behind to potentially fend off the fire and kidnappers!"

Jerks.





Thankfully, one of the shiny features of The Sims 3 is that you can replace all burnt/damaged objects with a simple click of the button if a house member is on the premises. So, outside the cost of replacing stuff putting them further into poverty, and Moon still hasn't worked a single day at her new job, at least things get back to normal quickly.





For reasons I don't even want to know, Moon decides to test the new oven by placing her hand on top of it.

Perhaps to see if it's working?





It is.